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AIBU?

To not buy things for grandchild?

160 replies

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

OP posts:
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happy66 · 11/10/2022 20:58

there is actually loads of good stuff you can get secondhand. For your first child you usually buy it new. then you realise you could’ve got it loads cheaper second hand and it is absolutely fine.

Look on Facebook Marketplace or eBay.

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JaninaDuszejko · 11/10/2022 20:59

So many parents pay their student children's rent. Our government to thank. And many people don’t even know this until the year their young people start Uni.

I went to university in the 80s and my parents paid all my living expenses because student grants were means tested and if your household income was too high your child got no grant. My grandfather's parents had to pay all his expenses including fees when he went to University in the 1920s, there were no loans or grants. Parents pay less now to support their children at university now than they ever did.

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saraclara · 11/10/2022 21:02

If my mum was paying my rent I wouldn't dream of asking her to buy two such high priced items.
What are his girlfriend's family contributing?

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Mylittlesandwich · 11/10/2022 21:08

How did the request come up? Did you ask what you could get them and they've suggested more expensive items than you want to get?

We didn't have a huge amount of money when I had DS. My mum bought our travel system, I shopped around for the very best deal and got it about half price due to getting an older print that was going out. I got my cot and changing table for £50 on gumtree and it has been sold on for the same as I paid for it 3 years later. Still in excellent condition. I splurged on the next to me I wanted and when it was no longer useful I recouped about half the cost.

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Jumperoo56370000 · 11/10/2022 21:38

You can get high quality secondhand prams around £20. No one needs a new pram.

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thegreylady · 11/10/2022 21:43

I was desperate to buy things for dgc. I compromised by letting them choose pram etc and dd’s mil and I paid for them and had the pleasure of collecting them from the shop! 16.5 years ago an emerald green Bugaboo gave me so much pleasure.

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PickAnyName · 11/10/2022 21:47

I'd splash out and buy a xylophone and a set of drums for the little one. It's so important that they are able to play and express their creativity as they grow.

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Cornishclio · 11/10/2022 21:55

I think it would depend very much on your own financial position and what efforts they are making to try and become financially independent. What is their plan for continuing their studies after the baby arrives? Do either of them work part time to subsidise their student loan assuming they get one? If you can afford it and they are trying to cover some of these costs themselves I would maybe offer to get a second hand pram and crib but you are not duty bound to do it so if you don't want to offer then just say no you are already paying their rent so they will have to sort that out themselves. Is your DS GF family helping out?

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Mothersruin123 · 11/10/2022 21:57

Not being unreasonable at all, especially as you're already paying their rent. You
shouldn't feel obliged to buy them anything, unless you want to.

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EmeraldShamrock1 · 11/10/2022 21:59

No yanbu.

If they can't afford the rent then they can't afford new items for the baby.

If they were paying their own rent I'd buy one of the larger items.

Do what other broke people do and use a free cycle pages to source baby stuff.

How are they going to afford to raise the child.

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Lotusmonster · 11/10/2022 22:25

Get second hand and clean it up. Better for the environment, better for your pocket. It’s a no brainer for items that are essentially short term use.

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MightyOaks · 11/10/2022 22:28

Valeriekat · 11/10/2022 15:50

Why are they even having a child? They sound incredibly irresponsible.

Erm how dare you?! You have zero clue what they're studying or how this has happened! What a horrible, nasty thing to say based on two facts - they're students & they're expecting a baby! Ffs.

Some of us found ourselves pregnant whilst on the contraceptive implant AND using a condom! Luckily I was with the father but these things happen to women no matter what protection is used!

You're a nasty piece of work!

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MightyOaks · 11/10/2022 22:30

Bobbins36 · 11/10/2022 16:59

Why the hell are two students having a child when they can’t even afford rent for themselves 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

You do realise that despite contraception sometimes it happens anyway? Or are you pretending to not be aware of this?

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monkeyupsidedown · 11/10/2022 22:33

You're not unreasonable but I'd help out anyway. Having a child is a shock to their finances. It doesn't have to be new stuff but they'll need it anyway. I would want to help my child if I could afford it.

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Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/10/2022 22:34

Love that because OP’s son and their partner are being slammed for not being responsible because they can’t ‘afford’ a baby as OP is paying rent. Do you apply that logic to every person in this country who is living in social housing or receiving benefits in order to feed/clothe/house their kids?

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Musti · 11/10/2022 22:36

If you can afford it, yes, if not, no.

Plenty of cheap prams and cots around. I got an expensive travel system for my first. Barely used as it was complicated. Quickly bought a £20 stroller and for my second bought a basic travel system from mothercare for under £200 and used it for 3 kids.

I bought a basic cot from ikea (I liked the simplicity and again, it did 3 kids). My eldest never slept in a cot.

Just had a look on Facebook . Lots of lovely prams and cots for sale really well priced

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MrsTerryPratchett · 12/10/2022 02:12

Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/10/2022 22:34

Love that because OP’s son and their partner are being slammed for not being responsible because they can’t ‘afford’ a baby as OP is paying rent. Do you apply that logic to every person in this country who is living in social housing or receiving benefits in order to feed/clothe/house their kids?

Social housing isn't free.

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DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/10/2022 03:29

PickAnyName · 11/10/2022 21:47

I'd splash out and buy a xylophone and a set of drums for the little one. It's so important that they are able to play and express their creativity as they grow.

You are evil and I respect that.

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DifficultBloodyWoman · 12/10/2022 03:36

I disagree with asking anyone, even parents, to buy specific items. Presents should be offered, not requested.

And asking a person who is already shelling out for rent to but not one but two high priced items?

Your DS needs a gentle reminder of manners. I might be tempted to say ‘you mean instead of paying your rent, sure, no problem!’ But I don’t know if I would actually go that far.

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GUARDIAN1 · 12/10/2022 04:14

If buying either or both would put you in financial hardship I'd tell them that paying for these woulf mean their rent wouldn't be paid. Even if you can afford, I would offer to buy the cot but suggest either second hand pram or look on Freecycle for one. They need to live in the real world and take responsibility. They're going to be parents and much as it's nice to be able to help out where you can, the baby is not your responsibility. What about the other grandparents? Are they going to help out too?

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greenteafiend · 12/10/2022 04:26

I think it's great for GPs to help out, but paying rent is already doing quite a lot. If the OP has money to spare, it would be better off going into a saving fund or investments for the child's future, not a brand new pram and cot; a young couple raising a baby on limited income needs to get into the habit of shopping around for second hand things. My local freecycle FB page has things like this posted regularly, and a low income couple can probably get most of the things they need from such sources if they are smart.

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Trez1510 · 12/10/2022 04:47

Depends entirely whether or not you can afford to do so, and then do the same for any other children you have.

As others have said, it's traditional for one set of GPs to buy one, and the other set the other. No mention of GF's parents. Does she have any?

If you want to make a point, set them a budget that will cover decent, secondhand items and challenge them to see what they can get!

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MK85 · 12/10/2022 04:50

Not to sound harsh, but I think you need to have a sit down and have a discussion with them and make the understand the value of money and providing for this child is their responsibility. Your son is an adult who is going to become a father. He needs to take some responsibility for his actions. Why dosent he at least try to get a part time job to suit around his studying? Why are two students creating a child if they can't even afford their rent ? How are they going to pay for the basics, food , nappies , future child care ? Assumingly things are that financially different that they can't even afford condoms

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Marmee53 · 12/10/2022 04:54

It's ultimately your choice.

Me and hubby bought a used pushchair from eBay for our first since we couldn't justify spending the amount it costs for a brand new one. (And I'd like to think we are financially stable)

They could do the same.

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Tigofigo · 12/10/2022 05:00

We could have afforded new, but got a second hand cot bed & buggy system for free. Bit old but absolutely fine. A relative bought a new cot mattress as a gift. I bought a second hand sling and Moses basket (again got a new mattress) for very little.

Tell them to get on Gumtree or FB, or do you have a local Nextdoor group?

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