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To not buy things for grandchild?

160 replies

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/10/2022 08:41

There must be some kind of back story to this - why are you paying their rent in the first place? Why did they think having a child now might be a good idea?

CosyDarkNights · 12/10/2022 08:43

Judgey judgey comments. Pretty sure if they are students they weren't plotting this (im assuming uni and not college i might be wrong). Their earning potential will at some point increase, they aren't destined for a life on benefits. It is a very good point asking if you are in a position to help? I think most people would in this situation. For what it's worth our parents bought our pram and crib and gave us cash everytime we had a child (3!), we didn't need it they wanted to. My sister was the same her in laws did the same thing. I think how you treat them/react now has the potential to make or break your relationship in future. They might be poor now and it isn't ideal but eventually they'll find themselves in better circumstances, but then it'll be socially acceptable to have a child and I guess you won't mind?

If it was me I'd help, but I've been brought up with this kind of attitude, our parents would never see us struggle and I'd never see my children struggle either, even if the circumstances aren't what anyone would call ideal.

ArcticSkewer · 12/10/2022 08:47

Are you currently paying the parental contribution towards your son's university, as other parents also do, and as the student loan system assumes you will?

If that's what you mean by 'paying his rent' then you don't get any special prizes for that and it's unrelated to the request

It's entirely normal for grandparents to buy something like a cot/pram for the new baby. Up to you if you do or not. Can you afford it, for starters? If you can't then yanbu. If you can but choose not to, that's your call, but it's a bit ungenerous

SillySausage81 · 12/10/2022 08:55

When my friends started having kids in their 30s, pretty much all of our parents offered to buy a pram and a cot. And we were all professionals earning our own incomes.

My mum bought ours second hand from a colleague (but in absolutely lovely condition, honestly couldn't have wished for better).

So I would see it as just a loving thing to do... (if you can afford it of course. If not then you'll obviously have to say no). But don't feel you have to go all out and splash out on the flashest brand new ones. You can get some really lovely stuff second hand.

Mediaetak · 12/10/2022 08:57

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Dipsydoodlenoodle · 12/10/2022 09:21

I don't necessarily think this is a can OP afford it or not. If you are paying their rent that's more than enough. If you wanted to help towards the cost of those things then give then x amount of money or say you'll go half's etc.

Careful doing this thought as my cousin was always like this, he's nearly 50 now and still financially unstable...he now lives with my elderly aunty (who has just bought him a car)

PinkyFlamingo · 12/10/2022 09:28

What are the circumstances surrounding paying their rent?

MatronicO6 · 12/10/2022 09:58

I think we need a bit more context.

Do you have other GC you did buy cot/pram for?
Did you pay DC rent during uni?
If they were having the baby 5 years from now would you be buying the cot/pram then?

My parents moto is 'what you do for one you have to do for them all.' They bought my brother and his wife a cot, so when we were expecting they offered the same amount of money to us, which we used for our pram. We also both had our rent paid during university!

But they also don't need to buy either of these things new. I would recommend as other have: Facebook Marketplace, nextdoor app and Gumtree. We also got some amazing things on free cycle!

Sweetener12 · 12/10/2022 10:07

YANBU. I see where they come from with them asking you to buy things, but it's up to you to decide whether you want/can afford to do so.

Softplayhooray · 12/10/2022 10:14

It's hard to know without context OP! Personally, if I could afford it and they really couldn't, I'd buy them whatever they needed, including pram, Moses basket, nappies, and everything else. They sound young and it is what it is - they will need all the help they can get!

Of course, that's not a judgement of any kind - you pay their rent already and know the ins and outs of the situation better than we do.

DarkShade · 12/10/2022 10:19

Cots can be really cheap. Ikea's cheapest one was no more than £40 when mine needed one, and you can also get secondhand from facebook marketplace, freecycle or charity shops for cheap. Same for the pram, and in the meantime, they can have a sling. Why are you paying rent? Would they not be eligible for gov help if you didn't?

cutthelawn · 12/10/2022 10:29

if my parents were paying my rent for me I'd already feel indebted so wouldn't be asking for more but having said that it depends on their age. At 19 I'd have being alot more lax at taking money from my parents cos I was still young and not matured than when I was 29.

Cats23 · 12/10/2022 10:32

Valeriekat · 11/10/2022 15:50

Why are they even having a child? They sound incredibly irresponsible.

You are paying their rent- They are lucky!
I would'nt buy the items either

bringincrazyback · 12/10/2022 10:32

Surprised at some of these responses. I think they're cheeky asking for more when they're already getting their rent paid.

SunshineLoving · 12/10/2022 10:42

I don't agree with commenting on how irresponsible they have been. They are having a baby, planned or not and are obviously struggling financially.

You are a good person for supporting them with the rent. I would personally as pps have said suggest you help find nice second hand pram, cot etc.

ShineOnYouLikeMorningStar · 12/10/2022 10:51

You are paying their rent. What - if anything - are the GF's parents paying for? Do your DS or his GF have jobs? Do either of them have student loans? Has anyone looked into whether they'd be eligible for special funding due to their circumstances? Why did they decide to get PG/keep the baby? Can you actually afford to pay more than you are currently doing?

ArcticSkewer · 12/10/2022 10:53

PinkyFlamingo · 12/10/2022 09:28

What are the circumstances surrounding paying their rent?

This is normal. If students don't get the full student loan then it is supposed to be topped up by parental contribution. Many parents do this by paying their child's rent.

PoundShopPrincess · 12/10/2022 10:58

Let's see how many pages we can run up trying to guess all the relevant information that OP missed out. Hmm

I think OP is seriously wealthy, the secret love child of a famous actor and OP has inherited a fortune. Her DS is aware of this hence why he thinks a cot or pram would be a reasonable purchase (tbh most GPs do offer to buy a cot or pram or car seat). OP doesn't want to buy something because she's already paying a fortune in rent for their exclusive penthouse apartment plus she doesn't like the gf. In which case OP is the Schrodinger's cat of unreasonableness - both UR and NUR at the same time.

HazelBite · 12/10/2022 11:14

I would buy them things for the baby but get them second hand, I had all secondhand buggies, prams, cots etc for all of mine I couldn't afford new and managed to get really lovely things that nobody guessed were used items

MILLYmo0se · 12/10/2022 11:18

Its one thing to offer to buy baby equipment but to actually ask the person already paying your rent to also buy big items?! They have no money, they need preloved items, whether you want to contribute to them is up to you

catandcoffee · 12/10/2022 11:41

6 pages and OP hasn't returned 🤔

FamilyTreeBuilder · 12/10/2022 11:53

Some people are in for a massive shock if they think they wave their offspring away to Uni aged 18 and aren't expected to contribute a penny.


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CJsGoldfish · 12/10/2022 13:11

Actually you're wrong. There was a great NYT article with graphs for all the methods and the failure rates. There are many children born while using contraception. Those failure rates are often with perfect use, for one year. Well unless you only have sex for one year, the cumulative risk is quite large
Yeah, that article really just confirms that user error (or complacency) is the cause of most 'accidents'. 😂

Blueeyedgirl21 · 12/10/2022 14:07

@FamilyTreeBuilder quite ! But their perfect offspring will manage a medical degree at Russell group (RG or death on here 🤣) whilst working to pay their rent and expenses and maintain perfect grades, despite OP having waited until they had at least 100k in their bank before they even contemplated trying to TTC because it’s just IRRESPONSIBLE to not be loaded and have a kid 🙄🙈😂

Blueeyedgirl21 · 12/10/2022 14:09

@CJsGoldfish thank god you’re not prime minister then! I guess you’d close all the food banks and stop child and housing benefit then?

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