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AIBU?

To not buy things for grandchild?

160 replies

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

OP posts:
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kingtamponthefurred · 11/10/2022 17:30

You are not unreasonable. They need to start taking responsibility for this child they have decided to have, and they could start by tracking down a free or very cheap pram on Freecycle/ebay/Gumtree or just asking around.

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Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/10/2022 17:39

twoandone · 11/10/2022 15:56

I can't imagine not wanting to buy something for a grandchild. I can't imagine paying my adult child's rent for them. Why are they having a baby they can't afford? If they're still studying and doing their best to carve a future for themselves then I would probably try to help if I could. They shouldn't expect you to be a third parent to this baby!

Its not as simple as why are they having a baby they can't afford, even though the point is valid. Maybe they fell pregnant accidentally.
No protection aside from complete abstinence is 100% reliable. Also not everyone agrees with abortion.

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Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/10/2022 17:41

Well you're clearly doing more than enough by paying their rent. Not every parent would or could do that.

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KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 11/10/2022 17:46

Had my baby at 17 had already worked full time for atleast a year and a half. Had mat leave and paid half my wages as rent and brought everything second hand mostly. Wtf is your child doing op. Needs to sort their life out

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RedHelenB · 11/10/2022 17:55

medvedgosha · 11/10/2022 15:46

DS and his gf are students, they're expecting a baby in a couple of months. They have clothes for baby etc but DS has asked if we can buy a pram and a cot.

I've said no as I'm currently paying their rent for them, but AIBU?

If you can afford it I think yabu.

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PinkSyCo · 11/10/2022 18:00

I think it’s cheeky of them to ask for both a cot and a pram. They chose to have a baby, not you. And why on earth are you paying their rent for them?

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JenniferBarkley · 11/10/2022 18:05

We were professionals in our 30s with a comfortable income when we had DC1, and my parents bought the buggy and DH's bought the cot. They are quite common gifts from grandparents.

If you can afford it and you would have been paying rent anyway then I would.

If you can't afford it or the rent payments are been because of the baby, then I wouldn't.

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Summerfun54321 · 11/10/2022 18:07

I had reduced rent from a parent when I fell pregnant with my first. I didn’t dare ask for expensive gifts though - I got all the baby stuff second hand and my parents bought a little baby blanket. I moved out not long after, it was a temporary set up.

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catandcoffee · 11/10/2022 18:10

No you're not.

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Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/10/2022 18:10

Absolitelt loads of really nice prams carriers and cots online dead cheap. tell them to go on their local Facebook group ‘Jonesville Notice Board’ or whatever and just put a post up saying what they are looking for, state they want excellent condition and watch people literally desperate to get rid of perfectly good stuff that is cluttering their houses up! Alternatively you can get an IKEA cot for about 40 quid and you don’t need a fancy pram, an Icklebubba or Hauck travel system with car seat and everything is about £180 if you get a deal online.

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iratepirate · 11/10/2022 18:15

These things don’t have to be expensive. We paid £4 on eBay for a cot. We actually didn’t even bother with a pram as a carrier was much more practical for where we live.

It sounds as though you’re already helping out a lot. I’m sure they can source these things themselves.

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AuntieMarys · 11/10/2022 18:15

2nd hand is the way to go. They are hoping to have a big shock when baby comes

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ELMhouse · 11/10/2022 18:23

I did! Don’t be an arse (not you OP).

I didn’t plan it but my DD is almost 18 now and I can’t imagine life with out her! My parents helped us no end in the beginning as me and (my now) DH were poor Uni students. My parents helped because they love me, they love their first GC (they have more now). I will never and have never forgotten how much support they showed me.

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MinervaTerrathorn · 11/10/2022 18:26

I'd buy a basic second hand pram and cot, then new mattress.

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TabithaTittlemouse · 11/10/2022 18:28

Again it depends on if you can afford it and what they are doing to help themselves.
We did for our dgc (paid for everything) but we could and we wanted to (they couldn’t).

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phishy · 11/10/2022 18:28

I wouldn't, no. They're not even providing the basics like a roof over their heads.

Instead of buying a pram and a cot, tell them they have until 31 Dec and youwill stop renting by then.

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FamilyTreeBuilder · 11/10/2022 18:29

Cuppasoupmonster · 11/10/2022 15:51

Why are you paying their rent?! No YANBU, they need to learn the value of money and that you won’t always be there to open your purse when they need something.

Because they're students? And most parents pay rent or costs for their student offspring?

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phishy · 11/10/2022 18:30

FamilyTreeBuilder · 11/10/2022 18:29

Because they're students? And most parents pay rent or costs for their student offspring?

No, most students get a loan.

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Twoshoesnewshoes · 11/10/2022 18:35

most students do not get the full loan, the minimum loan which my DCs all got would not even pay their rent, let alone anything left to live off.
I paid their rent at Uni.
I got pregnant as a student, everyone was very helpful (well, apart from my Dad…) and bought things, housed us etc.
surely it’s better to support than for them to have to drop out of Uni?

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butterfliedtwo · 11/10/2022 18:40

FamilyTreeBuilder · 11/10/2022 18:29

Because they're students? And most parents pay rent or costs for their student offspring?

In what universe do 'most parents' do that?

Most students get a job or a loan and don't have children before they can at least pay rent. YANBU, OP.

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mam0918 · 11/10/2022 18:41

Most active grabdparents would be honored to be asked, nearly everyone I know that is NC with their parents allowed their parents to buy those big items.

Granted it shouldn't be demanded by the child (expecting and demanding is rude) but most litrally fight to, so your lack of want too seems a bit strange.

I would have far bigger issues with paying their rent. If they cant afford it themselves they need to apply for UC to get a housing allowence and follow whatever proceedure UC require. Its not your job to be paying for their love nest.

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LuffleGro · 11/10/2022 18:42

I can't imagine paying my adult child's rent for them.

There isn't much choice when they are students and you earn too much for them to get a full loan. Parents are expected to make up the difference even though they are adults.

OP if they are both students now then they are working towards a better future for themselves and their child. In the long run that will make them much more independent and less reliant on you for help. Helping them now will make a big difference to their lives so personally, if you can afford it, then I would help them out. However I would make it clear that you are only helping them so that they can finish their studies and once they have then they will need to get jobs and be self sufficient.

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Darbs76 · 11/10/2022 18:43

Well they need a pram. They should look on market place etc, and just buy a new mattress. My brother and his wife did that recently and they are both working. It sounds like you’re already doing a lot financially for them and they do need to learn to step up.

My mum had to buy a lot for my first child as I was very young and lived at home, so no judgment to them. I probably wasn’t as grateful as I should have been back then, but now 30yrs (almost) later I’m earning well and can treat my mum for the help she gave me. But I also purchased a lot myself - wasn’t all gifted by my parents

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Darbs76 · 11/10/2022 18:46

phishy · 11/10/2022 18:30

No, most students get a loan.

Student loans are means tested. Yes a loan means tested. So if parents earning over 25k (household income) they don’t get the full loan. There’s a sliding scale then and over around 50/60k they get the minimum which is less than 5k and doesn’t cover their accommodation let alone anything else. So many parents pay their student children's rent. Our government to thank. And many people don’t even know this until the year their young people start Uni

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mam0918 · 11/10/2022 18:46

FamilyTreeBuilder · 11/10/2022 18:29

Because they're students? And most parents pay rent or costs for their student offspring?

Thats news too me... when I was at uni half my friends lived at home and commuted the other half lived in student housing paid for by loans and part time work.

I was the odd one out as I privately rented my own house for me, DH and DS as I was a mature student.

I didnt know ANYONE whose parents paid for them in uni... I find it so bizaare that some mumsnetters think thats normal.

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