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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

349 replies

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:14

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

OP posts:
ladycarlotta · 11/10/2022 11:10

BeeDavis · 11/10/2022 10:52

Honestly, I think you should really consider this. It will be a lot easier to leave her if it’s already started from a young age. I can leave my 1 year old with any of his grandparents and he settled really well with a childminder when I went back to work. That one day a week will let you have a break and she’ll build a great bond with her grandma. I get the need to be overprotective but I never get why people make such a big deal out of grandparents wanting to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance! My little boy is going away for a few nights with my parents, he’s been with them a few times this year. I miss him but gives me chance to reset, get the house clean, do some life admin! It’s a godsend.

On the other hand, I left my baby with other people a scant handful of times before she went to nursery age 1 (no family nearby, I'd have loved to have had more help), and she also settled in great. She also is now completely fine for days and overnights with grandparents. Any child with secure attachments to their caregivers will be able to adapt to being apart from them at an appropriate age, they don't need to be trained up to it from 8 weeks.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:11

This reply has been deleted

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EstellaRijnveld · 11/10/2022 11:12

Ask her how old your dh was when she handed him over to her mil for a set day each week? My mum tried this and then promptly shut up when I asked her this question.

Headsshoulderskneesandtoess · 11/10/2022 11:14

Topgub · 11/10/2022 10:50

@YoSofi

Yup.

It might not be the norm for you. It is for me.

People I know aren't weirdly precious/possessive about it and view family as family rather than the enemy to kept at bay at all costs

I think it’s awful to describe someone who doesn’t feel ready to be parted with her 8 week old baby yet as weirdly precious or possessive. This is the stuff post natal depression is made of.

OP I wasn’t ready for a good year or so. Everyone is different. Stick to your guns.

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/10/2022 11:15

What should you do? Err, you say no. Yes, it is that simple. What she wants doesn’t work for you. She’s your daughter. Your husband should be backing you up!

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/10/2022 11:15

A day a week is too much at this age

but say to her maybe when baby is older for a few hours

but as one or two others said, suggest she pops round. You have a bath or she takes baby fir a walk and spends some time with her

WahineToa · 11/10/2022 11:18

My best advice to you for this and all future decisions around your child, is to do what you want to do and not feel so pressured. You cannot just do whatever MIL wants, start that now and it never ends.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:19

@Headsshoulderskneesandtoess

I didnt specifically mean the op.

As I said, 2 months is still quite young.

I just dont think it needs to be a battle and some people are weird about it.

They see the mil as the enemy trying to steal their kid.

35965a · 11/10/2022 11:19

I don’t understand how some usually rational
people become so weird when a family member has a baby. I can’t imagine wanting to take a weeks old baby from their mother at all. Yet these people get stroppy and act like they can only bond with the child if they’re alone. Selfish and bizarre behaviour. It is fine to offer to see if the mother wants a couple of hours to herself but if she says anything other than ‘yes!’ just back off.

Anyway OP if you’re not happy about it just say no. Keep repeating it. Part of being a parent is learning to stand up for your child and yourself.

Coffeepot72 · 11/10/2022 11:19

Your baby, your choice. Just say NO

Dogtooth · 11/10/2022 11:20

There have been threads on MIL wanting sole charge/pushing the mother out before. It's not her baby. She presumably had sole charge of her babies. This is a different role.

I'd say you're not ready for that, she can come for a regular slot and take baby for half an hour or an hour while you nap and work up as and when you're both ready.

It's not in the best interests of a baby to be separated from the mother for a long period at that age. Plus you don't want it. So it doesn't happen.

RTHJ14 · 11/10/2022 11:20

Someone has already mentioned the supply issue - there is also the fact that when your baby is exclusively breast fed the sheer volume of milk can cause your boobs to become really swollen and painful - I just couldn’t get a pump to be as effective as my baby!

I do agree it’s great to have grandparents involved, we do and it’s lovely - but in a way that’s appropriate to the age and need of the family…. There is all the time in the world for structure when Mat leave is over!

on the other hand - you could do it once, baby might scream for hours, refuse bottle, not sleep and she’ll never want to do it again! This is pretty much what happened to us!

Marcipex · 11/10/2022 11:20

You say no. She’s your baby, she needs to be with you.
Tell your DH to back you up, not his mother.

whoamI00 · 11/10/2022 11:21

I'm sure both OP and MIL are normal people (by my standards). Provided that, you can say no to the idea and I'm sure MIL will understand it. No drama..

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/10/2022 11:21

No, no, no. A baby is meant to be with their mummy and daddy. Tell MIL she's welcome for visits but your baby won't be going to hers a day a week until you are both ready.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/10/2022 11:22

whoamI00 · 11/10/2022 11:21

I'm sure both OP and MIL are normal people (by my standards). Provided that, you can say no to the idea and I'm sure MIL will understand it. No drama..

That's right. People tend to think there'll be a big argument or falling out but in reality I doubt that will happen.
Mil may be disappointed but that's up to her. She had her chance to bring up her children how she liked, now it's OPs turn.

CosyDarkNights · 11/10/2022 11:23

"I can hold her off for a little while but not long."

You can hold her off indefinitely, YOU are the mother. Being a grandparent isn't a second shot at being a parent, you are the mother here you say what does and doesn't go. You are breastfeeding why would you want a day away from your baby, it's hassle, hard work and the risk of mastitis or reducing milk supply is a worry. Don't let this woman take your baby unless this is what you want. Your husband might just want to go along with his mother for a quiet life, his mother isn't number 1 here, you and your baby are. Just repeat, "that's really kind of you to offer but it's not something I feel happy with or want to do, so it's a no. Maybe school age an occasional sleepover would be nice?"

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 11/10/2022 11:24

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:25

I am having a year off for maternity leave (hopefully, though we’ll see how it goes with cost of living crisis).

It will be helpful for a day a week when I go back but I just know this will come at the price of being an overnight stay.

MIL absolutely loves newborns, hence why she is keen to start sooner rather than later. She also always wanted a daughter but ended up only having boys, so I think that’s another reason she is being so pushy.

She can love newborns all she wants, it’s NOT HER BABY. I really don’t get this grandparent crap where some seem to pretend it’s their child, to show off to their friends. ( and I’m a gran to 3, but that’s the point, I’m their grandmother, not their pretend mother)
Your baby, your rules and your DH needs to be firm on this too.

TempyBrennan · 11/10/2022 11:26

Don’t blame other people, don’t make excuses just be honest and say no. If you want to elaborate say ‘no, I am not comfortable with it’.
And if you’re feeling really kind you can even add in a ‘no thank you, but appreciate the option is there’

I have chronic MIL issues. Make your boundaries now before she doesn’t have any.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:26

Also if we're accusing people of 'giving mums pnd'

Then suggesting that there's something wrong with being apart from your baby is probably up there, dont you think?

Blocked · 11/10/2022 11:27

SarahSissions · 11/10/2022 11:03

Absolutely not! She is not entitled to anything with YOUR baby. If she wants to visit with you, or babysit and you are comfortable with that then fine. But she is not entitled to anything, and you aren’t required to hand over your child so she can play at having the baby she never had.

This is a horrible way of putting it. Being maternal towards your grandchild isn't playing mummy. It's a whole different relationship and one that should be encouraged.

Someone said that this is how PND starts. It's entirely possible that the grandmother knows that being a new mum with no support is lonely and shit, and being entirely focused on your PFB can consume you and make you anxious and that can also be how PND starts.

You don't have to hand your baby over OP but don't let people here influence your feelings towards her because they can't stand their MIL.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:28

@Blocked

👏

Franca123 · 11/10/2022 11:29

Say no for now but maybe when she's weaned. Personally, I think having an overnight once a week is a dream. Our pre schoolers go to their granny's overnight once a month. I'm hoping as the kids grow, we can make it more frequent. It's bliss. We go out for dinner then pub and have a lie in the next morning in peace. Don't know why mumsnet is so anti it. In real life all my mates do it and the ones that don't only don't as they don't have relatives who can do it.

StapFooterin · 11/10/2022 11:29

Just no. No way on this earth. If you felt ok with it, then fair enough. But you don't and you are the baby's mother. I think your DH should have your back here. He should not feel torn between you and your MIL and he needs to support you by reinforcing your 'no'. Why on earth does your MIL need huge swathes of time alone with a 2 month old baby in order to form a bond as a grandparent? It's not the length of time that matters, but more how you interact with the baby during that time.

Untitledsquatboulder · 11/10/2022 11:30

If you are not comfortable with it then the answer is no. Fine for those who want that sort of set up, but it's not necessary for good grandchild/grandparent relations for your baby to stay with your MiL overnight, or for her to have sole care of her either.

Smile, thank her, put your foot down.