To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

The difference is, my parents want to see us all together, but MIL wants to have DD to herself one to one, without me there.

I can understand her wanting to be close and currently have her over for a visit a day each week (I’ve said yes to every visit request), so I certainly don’t block contact.

It’s just I don’t want to not have baby with me and I think she will be too young for a long time yet. I don’t want to just pass her onto someone else.

Are you hearing how absolutely idiotic you sound? It’s not entitled to not want to hand your baby over for a day per week! Tough shit for MIL if OP is not ready yet.

She is very enthusiastic about spending time with grandchild which is lovely.

I look at it differently. It's not "lovely" to push and pressurise the OP, the baby's mum. It's also weird that these grandmothers are so pushy to have the baby all to themselves, looking after them by themself and overnight. Why? If they genuinely want a nice relationship then why not just see the tiny baby at the baby's home with the breastfeeding mum present?

It smacks of a grandmother harbouring unfulfilled emotional needs, wanting to address her own needs of still feeling needed or whatever, over and above what is best for the baby and the baby's mum.

The grandmother is not being truthful with herself or the op here.

There is no way I'd agree to this. I think it is quite odd. I think it is nice that she wants to have a close relationship but to expect to have your very very new baby overnight on a set day seems odd to me.

@Topgub

Will you expect her to watch her when you feel like it? OP has said nothing to infer she expects MIL to do as she's told and drop everything when she demands childcare. If OP ASKS for childcare and MIL doesn't want to, she can say no. You don't use a 2 month old as a bargaining chip.

Does her dad not her equal say? actually, no. Op is home with the baby, she doesn't have to hand her over to anyone because that's her time. Similarly if op goes away for the weekend Dad looks after the baby and she has no right to insist he hands baby over to her Mom.

I think its lovely she wants to be so involved, it's possible to be involved without trying to guilt a new Mom into handing over her baby once a week so she can sit home alone with her milk pump

Huh?

To MIL: oh thank you that will be lovely, when we feel ready.

on repeat, till you are ready.

If you're breastfeeding it's actually really hard to do this for a whole day and completely different to the odd formula top up. Can you agree on a compromise? Say a couple of hours rather than a whole day?

@SleepingStandingUp

Sorry. Are you saying that a parent doesn't have an equal say in parenting their child unless they are directly caring for that child that day?

OK.

What if the mil wants the baby on a day that dad is home?

Does he get a say then?

You missed half of my sentence…”give her up for a day a week”.

But I think you knew that.

I'm guessing TopGub is one of these MILs based on the idiotic responses!

@Topgub it isn't a weird choice of phase, that's exactly what is being expected of the OP. Her MIL and DH wants her to give the baby to her MIL one day a week, regardless of her feelings, or the needs of the baby. Her DH doesn't get a say. He only gets to say what he does on any full days that he has his DD. At this age with a bf baby, the court gives access with the Mother present. It is totally up to the Mother with a baby under one year old.

I say that as someone who had overnights with my first GC from six weeks.

I dont (and I'm not exaggerating) know any families where gp and extended families don't have gc /neices/nephews/cousins alone/overnight

Its entirely the norm.

As a mum who has no in-laws and who’s mother doesn’t have long left let her. Build up slowly x

I can hold her off for a little while but not long.

??? Does she have a gun? Of course it’s not a good or appropriate idea at this point and likely not for over a year yet. Just say no, it’s not in your child’s best interest and then talk about the weather or who is on dancing with the stars or something. If she goes back to it, just put a bewildered look on your face and say ‘we’ve discussed this, it’s not suitable, I’m not sure what you didn’t understand as I said it doesn’t work for her now and won’t for quite some time. Let’s discuss it again when she is 18mo and see how she’s going then’, and then relaunch into the weather or dancing with the stars.

Why can you not just say NO?

@Ponoka7

Its not giving the baby up or to the mil though.

Its just time with granny/babysitting

She's not adopting them

At 8 weeks old when mum is at home on maternity leave?

No that’s not the norm.

'Take' your baby?

I had this when dd was a baby, older ladies literally wanting to take her from me, while inferring they could do s better job.

You are her mother.

I would NEVER agree to this. For a start I was breastfeeding, dd didn't take a bottle and I didn't really want her to. She didn't need to.

Stand firm, say no. Your daughter isn't a toy.

It's not about what your MIL wants. Don't feel you have to appease her, you don't. You set the rules.

Also, I didnt read it as though the op was separated from the dad?

Perfectly acceptable to say no! I wouldn't have wanted to either when my baby was 2 months old. How about just letting her have her for a couple of hours a week. Maybe taking her for a walk so you can put your feet up. That would have been bliss for me. I was sooo exhausted and we had no family to help.

It's still early days so I can understand your reluctance to be away from her. I was similar for the first few months. I think it should be as simple as "I'm not ready to be apart from her yet".

Things might change in a few months or a year but there's no predicting the future so it's silly if they expect you to commit to something now.

I ended up going back to work early and would have jumped at the chance to have a night off when my DD suddenly stopped sleeping through the night a few months later. After a few weeks of working on no sleep we did end up getting a nanny for two nights a week because I was dead on my feet.

This.

@YoSofi

Yup.

It might not be the norm for you. It is for me.

People I know aren't weirdly precious/possessive about it and view family as family rather than the enemy to kept at bay at all costs

Just say no! Even now with kids at the upper end of Primary school, I have no pressure at all for grandparents to have them. They offer and we very occasionally take it up but there is never any pressure. And they adore our kids. Say you love seeing her and you can do some lovely days out together while your on Mat leave, but you are not comfortable being away from your baby. If she doesn’t respect that, then your Husband needs to have a serious word with her!

I think this is one for gentle firmness.

"Thanks MIL, I know I'll be delighted to wave her off at some point down the line. She loves her granny. But I'm just not ready yet. Don't worry, I'll let you know as soon as I am."