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Original poster

To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

349 replies

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:14

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

OP posts:
PomRuns · 11/10/2022 11:31

Be really honest and say you don't want to be apart from the baby. Don't give in to her. Maybe she could do an afternoon? If she's pushing now- she'll get worse. imo

User38899953 · 11/10/2022 11:32

Topgub · 11/10/2022 10:20

Will you expect her to watch her when you feel like it?

Does her dad not her equal say?

I think its lovely she wants to be so involved

You're a MIL aren't you 😂

There is nothing about this situation that is normal. Of course Granny should see the baby. Why on earth does she NEED a day a week on her own. Invite her over for a coffee or something. If she keeps pushing, keep pushing back.

Get DP on board also.

Bonbon21 · 11/10/2022 11:33

This is the foot in the door for mil... just one day a week.. just one overnight... just a weekend.... jyst these shoes.. just this dress... on and on... for years and years...

Dont let her set the precedent... this is you child... dont let her dictate whst happens here.. what you.. as mum.. say..goes... if dad wants something different let him give up his job and stay home full time.. his mother should not be his priority.. he has a wife and baby... they alone are number one.
Tell her no.. it doesnt suit... just no. ... it doesnt suit..
And mean it.... and stick to it...

LuckySantangelo35 · 11/10/2022 11:35

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:26

Also if we're accusing people of 'giving mums pnd'

Then suggesting that there's something wrong with being apart from your baby is probably up there, dont you think?

YES!!!!

it’s how mums get into that dire situation of thinking they can’t put baby down to go for a shower or to the toilet in case they cry. And why you hear about mums say they haven’t been for their hair cutting or to the gym or whatever for about three years!

baby doesn’t need to be with mum allllll the time!

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:35

@User38899953

Nope.

SatinHeart · 11/10/2022 11:37

The difference is, my parents want to see us all together, but MIL wants to have DD to herself one to one, without me there

You should get all offended with her about why she doesn't want to spend time with you as well as your baby.

Also, make her really spell out for you in quite some detail what it is that she wants to do with an 8 week old baby all day without their mother around. Then your DH (and hopefully MIL as well) will be able to hear how ridiculous it sounds - especially if it is basically about playing dolls.

1Wanda1 · 11/10/2022 11:37

It's absolutely up to you and I agree that 2 months is much too early for a whole day a week. HOWEVER, much as you currently can't imagine wanting to leave your child, I guarantee that the time will come when you either do want to, or you have to. Having involved grandparents makes this so much easier. So don't make this into a fight. Just set your boundaries now but let her know the door is open and she can visit you maybe an afternoon a week or whatever.

My "baby" is 3.5 now. My ILs have had her 2 days a week since I went back to work when she was 11 months old and that's been so lovely for her and for them. Not to mention the massive saving on nursery costs. By the time she was 8 months old tbh I'd have chewed their arm off for a day to myself but DD was a bottle refuser (I created this problem by being fixated on BF) and I couldn't leave her because she always fussed so much at feed times.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:37

@LuckySantangelo35

Baby needs secure attachments with loving care givers

Mine had loads.

All good. There's definitely a balance to be had

Coffeeandcrocs · 11/10/2022 11:39

No is a complete sentence.

I never understand people's obsession with having someone's new baby away from their parents.

You dont have to do anything you don't want to do OP, tell her you'll let her know when you're ready to be away from DD but that it won't be on a regular basis and you won't be changing the way you feed her

MRSE20 · 11/10/2022 11:39

I would just say no

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 11/10/2022 11:39

SatinHeart · 11/10/2022 11:37

The difference is, my parents want to see us all together, but MIL wants to have DD to herself one to one, without me there

You should get all offended with her about why she doesn't want to spend time with you as well as your baby.

Also, make her really spell out for you in quite some detail what it is that she wants to do with an 8 week old baby all day without their mother around. Then your DH (and hopefully MIL as well) will be able to hear how ridiculous it sounds - especially if it is basically about playing dolls.

I agree, it is strange I'd she is wanting to have the baby without OP or her husband there.
That definitely seems odd.

But I agree with pp about there being a time when she will want to use MIL for childcare. It's just too early imo, it will come

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:39

@SatinHeart

The people who had my kids alone did so for various reasons

The main one being they didn't view it as abnormal or predatory.

Just part of being a family.

Spending time with the kids while giving the parents a much needed break.

TooHotToTangoToo · 11/10/2022 11:40

Your dd, your choice. If you don't want it to happen, say no. You are under no obligation to let this happen

CassandraBarrett · 11/10/2022 11:40

Just say no. Yanbu to tell her no. It's not in the baby's best interests, she's not a toy to be shared.
For context, my baby is 9 months old. The longest I've left him is 3 hours (maybe 3 and a half) with DH for an appointment. I've left him with MIL I think twice for an hour or two. In my house while I went out, with my DH WFH while she was there.
It is normal to want your baby close. (it's also ok to want a break).

As this is stressing you out and will continue to do so, text mil now and say
"I've thought about leaving baby. I've discussed it with Doctor and it has been advised against."
I'm sure someone will phrase it better.

Also, if you're breastfeeding, leaving the baby for a while can affect your milk supply and lead to mastitis.

Say no now, instead of stressing for weeks/months and then saying no

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 11/10/2022 11:40

The UNICEF baby friendly initiative says that you should responsively feed (when bottle feeding) and restrict this to 2 people, usually the primary care givers, and when breastfeeding responsively breastfeed, to any of baby's hunger cues, or needs for comfort.

This is for developing the bond between mother and father and child. This is for as long as the baby is being breast or bottle fed.

Tell her this is your parenting choice and you firmly believe in its benefits so no she won't be having the baby one day a week and by telling you to offer formula on that day she's undermining your choice to breastfeed, which you'll do as and when you choose to.

NerrSnerr · 11/10/2022 11:41

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:25

I am having a year off for maternity leave (hopefully, though we’ll see how it goes with cost of living crisis).

It will be helpful for a day a week when I go back but I just know this will come at the price of being an overnight stay.

MIL absolutely loves newborns, hence why she is keen to start sooner rather than later. She also always wanted a daughter but ended up only having boys, so I think that’s another reason she is being so pushy.

It doesn't have to be an overnight stay if that's not what you and your husband want. If that's a condition of using her for childcare then you don't have to use her.

Jazzandblues · 11/10/2022 11:42

I think it's lovely that she wants to be involved and if you reject her now don't expect her to later help you out when you need her for childcare.

I think it is important that she bonds with her GD, it doesn't have to be the whole day given how young she is but let her bond for a few hours. You can use this time to relax and tend to other things.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2022 11:43

Tell her no, you don't want to do that. End of. And there is no "price" of leaving your child over night either, if you don't want her staying over night when you do go back to work you say no to that as well, don't let her blackmail you, tell her you will find a baby sitter if she refuses to take her without an over night.

Having helpful family is wonderful of course but demanding that kind of contact is not on and massively over stepping

Harridan1981 · 11/10/2022 11:44

Topgub · 11/10/2022 10:45

I dont (and I'm not exaggerating) know any families where gp and extended families don't have gc /neices/nephews/cousins alone/overnight

Its entirely the norm.

Absolutely not the norm here. I don’t know any families that do! I know a couple where grandparents have say, 3 or 4 year olds overnight on the odd occasion.

Who would this be benefiting? A 2 month old will get no enjoyment out of being away from mum, and as they are not a toy that is what takes priority.

The husband doesn’t actively want the child to go elsewhere by the sounds of it, but would rather upset his wife and baby than his mother.

BigglyBee · 11/10/2022 11:44

Did I read it right, is the MIL really visiting every day already? If so, then you are doing plenty, OP.

If you were blunt with her and said that the constant pushing is making you uncomfortable and stressed, what would the result be? It all sounds pretty full-on and I don't think there is an indirect way of dealing with this, so some bluntness is required. Somebody is going to be unhappy, because you can't both have what you want, but it doesn't have to be you. If it's handled well, there doesn't need to be a huge falling out, but there will probably be some temporary ill feeling.

Ideally, you (or your husband, if her were more supportive) would have a quiet word and reassure her that she is a loved and valued mother and grandmother, but this pressure at such an early stage is too much. If that doesn't work and you aren't able to move forward, or she has a massive tantrum/starts complaining to your husband that you are mistreating her, then you have a bigger problem, but I think it's worth a try.

BTW, I loved my late MIL and we happily shared a house, but that was because we both had good boundaries and were considerate towards each other.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:44

@Jimmyneutronsforehead

What research is there that other people feeding the baby affects the bond with the parents?

Do you think babies in childcare have no bond with their parents because someone else fed them?

Littleladylumps · 11/10/2022 11:44

Would you not be greatly of the help and break? So you can catch up on sleep, have some time for you? Have time with you and jus dh?

Littleladylumps · 11/10/2022 11:45

Grateful^

Topgub · 11/10/2022 11:45

@Harridan1981

Thats a shame its not the norm for you.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/10/2022 11:45

Littleladylumps · 11/10/2022 11:44

Would you not be greatly of the help and break? So you can catch up on sleep, have some time for you? Have time with you and jus dh?

She clearly says in her OP she doesn't want this.....