To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

All your dh needs to say is that she's had her time with a newborn, it's now his turn.

DH needs to stand firm and not allow his mum to manipulate him.
I would not be agreeing to any visits away from me, nor would I be agreeing to every time MIL (or anyone else) wants to visit your house if it doesn't suit you.

Around that age I enjoyed going to baby classes with DC.

Don’t let your Dh persuade you because he fears upsetting his mum-he’d rather upset you, would he?! Just tell her no, firmly, so she doesn’t keep pestering you. Tell her your parents know not to ask you, she’s bf, why should you stop that/pump to please your mil? It’s insane.

Oops, posted too soon.
The baby classes were a good way to meet other mums of babies.

There is nothing wrong with family helping if it's what you want. If it's not what you want it's not helping, is it?

I wouldn't have let anyone have my baby overnight or for longer than a few hours for many more months.

@Topgub if you're talking about a young baby they do usually have one primary caregiver, unless the parents split childcare absolutely 50:50 from birth onwards, which I'd imagine is very rare. The first year of life is by far the most crucial one for brain development, about 90% of adult brain develops in that time.

Consequences of not being with their primary caregiver consistently are potential problems with attachment, insecure or anxious attachment, which can lead to MH problems.

Obviously I'm not talking about nana occasionally babysitting for a couple of hours or baby being away overnight because the parents absolutely need a break so you can apply your common sense here.

No. Don’t discuss or debate it, just say no thank you I wouldn’t be comfortable with that. End of discussion. Then DH doesn’t have to get into the debate - because there isn’t one! If you don’t nip this is the bud now, you are gonna be prizing your daughter out of her fingertips !

Mine tried that I said no , my gosh u only just had her to you have to give her up one day a week
hahahaha tell her to stop making jokes
especially as she’s breast fed
she can come and visit the baby . Waaaaay too young for sleep overs and she knows it ! Just say no ! When she’s a toddler maybe ! Hi

@Mariellama

That's not quite how your other comment read.

A 1 month old baby will not be harmed by being away from a pcg for longer than 1 hour.

I dont think any psychologist thinks that.

These situations, where the DH is prepared to potentially upset and traumatize DW and baby all so as not to upset his DM, make me foam at the mouth.

Absolutely

Just say no thank you. And definitely not at 2 months

Just use the good old parents trope to put things off, when she mentions it say:
‘oh I don’t know mil…we’ll see…’

DH needs to support me on this. It is hard though, as she puts the pressure on him on the phone when I’m not there to say no. She really knows how to manipulate him - turns on the waterworks etc. Makes me look like the bad guy.
frankly, that’s batshit. Crying because no one will give her their tiny baby for a full day? Ask Dh if he’s worried about her and say she seems unhinged, you’d be a terrible father if you really want to hand our baby over with that behaviour.

he lives with you. If he doesn’t start defending you he should expect to be far unhappier at home than he is when on the phone to his mum. Don’t be nice and reasonable, she certainly isn’t.

@girlfriend44 so by that logic if tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for anyone why should OP not spend every day she can with her newborn , if anything that’s more important!

Good god, no. The baby needs you- NOT her! Stand your ground now and enforce strong boundaries- your MIL will cause you a lot of trouble ahead.

“Who does this situation actually benefit?” As a mother, learn to ask yourself this question ALL the time, if the answer is not an unequivocal, 100%, resounding, “my child”, then you say no to whatever request it is.

If it means the baby is given to someone else, then no, he doesn't get a say.

His body isn't wanting the baby to be close. The OP's is

It's lovely she wants to be involved if getting the baby's mum out of the way isn't a prerequisite. There's no need for grandparents to get the parents out of the way to enjoy their grandchildren and build a bond. If they think there is, I suspect it's more about them than the family because the grandparents role is bigger than playing dolls.

Er, I didn’t say that 🙄🤷🏼‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I’m a nana, and there is no way I would even think of suggesting this. MiL is crazy, and I find her demands a bit creepy. Why does she have to have baby on her own? Why does she want to take her away from you? And all this crying on the phone…. I would not want my child looked after by someone like that.

Im afraid you are going to have to be blunt, to both DH and MiL.
To DH, it’s really weird how MiL is so obsessed with taking our baby away from us. I don’t like it, and it’s not happening.
To MiL, I know you adore her, but frankly, I find it very odd that you are so determined take baby away from us. This is not in baby’s best interests and won’t be happening, please stop asking.

And if she continues, tell her that she behaves or her visits stop. This is not normal behaviour, and I would be very worried that she is planning something else.

I agree with all this.

I would Nip this in the bud now - just say no and repeat.

Just say no to a set day as you want to spend time with baby but she can visit and maybe have baby odd few hours here and their when its suits you
Is she going to have baby when you go back to work ?

I would of been happy for mil to of wanted to of been involved and I don't think mil taking baby for a quick walk or babysitting so you can go out is a bad thing
Mumsnet seems strange in many who have barely left their kids with family for an hour yet leave them with strangers in a nursery ?
When you go back to work mil having her one day a week could be a real help, just explain it won't be overnights until you or your child wants that

Plenty of good advice on this thread already (plus the usual smattering of entitled grannies 🙄), but if this doesn't work for you then you're more than entitled to say so.

IMO two months is too young to be be away from mum for a full day a week, from both a mother and baby perspective, however appreciate this can and does work for some families. It wouldn't work for me personally (even at 6mo) as I struggle to express and baby will only consume small amounts of formula in a bottle anyway, so after a few hours would be very hungry.

Agree with PP that I would try to avoid burning bridges, as you might find in a few months when you've established a bit more of a routine that you will be grateful for MIL to have baby for a few hours while you have a break. Perhaps in the meantime you can compromise and have MIL spend some time with baby at your house?

Does her dad not her equal say?

Maybe when he starts lactating 🤷🏻‍♀️
**

I don't understand why a son wanting his mum to have alone time with his child, and him wanting to prevent her from being upset by his wife putting a blanket ban on that happening, is manipulation on his mum's part? He may just not agree with you, but actually YOU'RE putting the pressure on him to do what you want, at the expense of both his child and mother. And if you've said to him that she's "manipulating" him because she's upset when she's spoken to him, then isn't that you gaslighting him too? He's obviously been manipulated because otherwise he would never disagree with you?

He doesn't have to support you if he doesn't agree with you, it's his child too, he gets (or should get) equal input into how the child is raised and cared for. I feel really sorry for both him and your MIL after your updates, you don't seem to be willing to accept anyone else's input or even put any thought into how to reach a reasonable compromise.

If you really feel that a whole day is too much at the moment then maybe consider a few hours at a time during the day - you can go round, leave baby with her, go out for a coffee or to do some shopping or something, then go back to pick up? That's a reasonable compromise, it gives her some special time with her grandchild, but it isn't for a long period of time. It'll also get you used to being away from your baby for short spells, which will likely make it easier when you go back to work. Win win.