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Original poster

To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

349 replies

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:14

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

OP posts:
Coffeepot72 · 12/10/2022 13:24

@GeekyThings I'm guessing you've never had a baby?

Whitepouringglue · 12/10/2022 13:25

It's not her job to compromise, I'm afraid. It's her job to care for her baby and the family's job to support her in whatever way is most appropriate for that particular mother and child. In a lot of cases it is spending time with mum and baby, not whisking baby off to play dolls.

Calphurnia88 · 12/10/2022 13:36

GeekyThings · 12/10/2022 13:21

I don't understand why a son wanting his mum to have alone time with his child, and him wanting to prevent her from being upset by his wife putting a blanket ban on that happening, is manipulation on his mum's part? He may just not agree with you, but actually YOU'RE putting the pressure on him to do what you want, at the expense of both his child and mother. And if you've said to him that she's "manipulating" him because she's upset when she's spoken to him, then isn't that you gaslighting him too? He's obviously been manipulated because otherwise he would never disagree with you?

He doesn't have to support you if he doesn't agree with you, it's his child too, he gets (or should get) equal input into how the child is raised and cared for. I feel really sorry for both him and your MIL after your updates, you don't seem to be willing to accept anyone else's input or even put any thought into how to reach a reasonable compromise.

If you really feel that a whole day is too much at the moment then maybe consider a few hours at a time during the day - you can go round, leave baby with her, go out for a coffee or to do some shopping or something, then go back to pick up? That's a reasonable compromise, it gives her some special time with her grandchild, but it isn't for a long period of time. It'll also get you used to being away from your baby for short spells, which will likely make it easier when you go back to work. Win win.

I feel really sorry for both him and your MIL after your updates, you don't seem to be willing to accept anyone else's input or even put any thought into how to reach a reasonable compromise.

Are you reading a different set of updates, because I really don't understand any of what you're saying in your comment? Are you one of those posters who embellishes to give yourself something to get worked up about?

MeridianB · 12/10/2022 13:50

DH needs to support me on this. It is hard though, as she puts the pressure on him on the phone when I’m not there to say no. She really knows how to manipulate him - turns on the waterworks etc. Makes me look like the bad guy.

Wow. Who does this? Pushes and pushes for something so selfish and then cries and blackmails when they don't get it?

Please make sure your DH protects you and DD from this drama. He doesn't even need to tell you she's doing it (again). And he can rinse and the repeat the 'no, this doesn't work for us - please stop asking'.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 12/10/2022 13:50

Can anyone please explain why MIL has to have the baby alone. What is this psychological reasons behind it. I see it so much in my own life and on here. Trying to get it so the DIL is not there. Even when the relationship pre baby is good. Why cant the MIL be happy with having baby for a few hours whilst mum does some housework in the home or whatever or why cant DIL take the baby to MILs and MIL can play with baby etc but DIL is present to chat and have lunch or whatever. It always has to be ‘alone’.

Coffeepot72 · 12/10/2022 14:11

The 'alone' element of the request makes me feel particularly uneasy.

Whitepouringglue · 12/10/2022 14:44

You can't play dolls with someone else's baby when they're there. Simple as that.

6poundshower · 12/10/2022 17:21

GeekyThings · 12/10/2022 13:21

I don't understand why a son wanting his mum to have alone time with his child, and him wanting to prevent her from being upset by his wife putting a blanket ban on that happening, is manipulation on his mum's part? He may just not agree with you, but actually YOU'RE putting the pressure on him to do what you want, at the expense of both his child and mother. And if you've said to him that she's "manipulating" him because she's upset when she's spoken to him, then isn't that you gaslighting him too? He's obviously been manipulated because otherwise he would never disagree with you?

He doesn't have to support you if he doesn't agree with you, it's his child too, he gets (or should get) equal input into how the child is raised and cared for. I feel really sorry for both him and your MIL after your updates, you don't seem to be willing to accept anyone else's input or even put any thought into how to reach a reasonable compromise.

If you really feel that a whole day is too much at the moment then maybe consider a few hours at a time during the day - you can go round, leave baby with her, go out for a coffee or to do some shopping or something, then go back to pick up? That's a reasonable compromise, it gives her some special time with her grandchild, but it isn't for a long period of time. It'll also get you used to being away from your baby for short spells, which will likely make it easier when you go back to work. Win win.

This isn't how it works when you are breastfeeding. Baby wants food now, and your breasts leak and very uncomfortable.

And she doesn't want to have anyone take her baby away. No reason GM can't spend time with baby with her, so when baby needs feeding she's right there.

pinkappleorpineapple · 12/10/2022 18:15

If you really feel that a whole day is too much at the moment then maybe consider a few hours at a time during the day - you can go round, leave baby with her, go out for a coffee or to do some shopping or something, then go back to pick up? That's a reasonable compromise, it gives her some special time with her grandchild, but it isn't for a long period of time. It'll also get you used to being away from your baby for short spells, which will likely make it easier when you go back to work. Win win.

@GeekyThings OP does not need to compromise with MIL, nor go round and drop off her baby even for a few hours.
OP and MIL are not in a job share, OP is the mum of a 2 month old baby and there is no way I'd have left mine at that age to please anyone. I also wanted to protect breastfeeding, I was not minded to pump so that anyone could play doll with my baby. And if OP is going back to work she should treasure every moment with her baby if she wants to.
I had wonderful relationships with both grandmas, they didn't need to take me away from my mum for that to happen.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/10/2022 18:50

GeekyThings · 12/10/2022 13:21

I don't understand why a son wanting his mum to have alone time with his child, and him wanting to prevent her from being upset by his wife putting a blanket ban on that happening, is manipulation on his mum's part? He may just not agree with you, but actually YOU'RE putting the pressure on him to do what you want, at the expense of both his child and mother. And if you've said to him that she's "manipulating" him because she's upset when she's spoken to him, then isn't that you gaslighting him too? He's obviously been manipulated because otherwise he would never disagree with you?

He doesn't have to support you if he doesn't agree with you, it's his child too, he gets (or should get) equal input into how the child is raised and cared for. I feel really sorry for both him and your MIL after your updates, you don't seem to be willing to accept anyone else's input or even put any thought into how to reach a reasonable compromise.

If you really feel that a whole day is too much at the moment then maybe consider a few hours at a time during the day - you can go round, leave baby with her, go out for a coffee or to do some shopping or something, then go back to pick up? That's a reasonable compromise, it gives her some special time with her grandchild, but it isn't for a long period of time. It'll also get you used to being away from your baby for short spells, which will likely make it easier when you go back to work. Win win.

The baby is still in the 4th trimester. Being with a grandparent once a week does not benefit the child. Op definitely doesn’t need to start planning the transition to work right now. She’s keeping her baby with her as much as possible at this time to form a firm attachment and make it easier for the baby to transition to another caregiver when she goes to work.

Whitepouringglue · 12/10/2022 19:35

I hate that you have to be breast feeding to be considered to have a good excuse for keeping your baby with you. In reality it's exactly the same principle no matter how the food gets to baby.

DozyFox · 13/10/2022 07:50

Blueeyedgirl21 · 12/10/2022 13:50

Can anyone please explain why MIL has to have the baby alone. What is this psychological reasons behind it. I see it so much in my own life and on here. Trying to get it so the DIL is not there. Even when the relationship pre baby is good. Why cant the MIL be happy with having baby for a few hours whilst mum does some housework in the home or whatever or why cant DIL take the baby to MILs and MIL can play with baby etc but DIL is present to chat and have lunch or whatever. It always has to be ‘alone’.

This is what I find so ridiculous, I cannot imagine my MIL wanting me to leave so she can play dolls with my baby. So weird. Thankfully she's normal and seems to think I'm alright so is very happy to spend time with me!

Somethingsnappy · 13/10/2022 13:29

Whitepouringglue · 12/10/2022 19:35

I hate that you have to be breast feeding to be considered to have a good excuse for keeping your baby with you. In reality it's exactly the same principle no matter how the food gets to baby.

Yes, this is true. Breastfeeding does add another layer of practical reasons to the equation though.

Cw112 · 13/10/2022 13:43

Is there a way you could meet her in the middle? So instead of mil taking her for one entire day, could she take her for maybe one or two mornings a week? Give you a chance to catch up on sleep/ housework/ whatever you want to do and mil could bring her to a wee group in the library or something lovely for a couple of hours. If she needs fed mil could use a bottle initially and she'll be back with you in a few hours to continue bf? Or could mil make you all dinner a night each week so you're there to bf if she needs it or whatever alternative you'd actually find helpful? I think it's nice she's very invested and keen to support you and GC so I'd try and give her something rather than a flat no and just explain that with the bf that would be really helpful for now? You might need her for childcare when you're back to work so I'd not want to burn a bridge there just yet.

MeridianB · 13/10/2022 13:52

@Cw112 Not sure if have RTFT but OP already spends time with MIL and has said she doesn't plan to rely on her for childcare. She also said she wants to spend time with her baby during mat leave and to BF, so sending her tiny baby off with a bottle isn't what's best for either of them.

Mostly, no one seems to be able to explain why MIL needs to have the baby alone and why she can't bond with and enjoy her GC with a parent there.

Ilovechinese · 13/10/2022 14:18

GeekyThings · 12/10/2022 13:21

I don't understand why a son wanting his mum to have alone time with his child, and him wanting to prevent her from being upset by his wife putting a blanket ban on that happening, is manipulation on his mum's part? He may just not agree with you, but actually YOU'RE putting the pressure on him to do what you want, at the expense of both his child and mother. And if you've said to him that she's "manipulating" him because she's upset when she's spoken to him, then isn't that you gaslighting him too? He's obviously been manipulated because otherwise he would never disagree with you?

He doesn't have to support you if he doesn't agree with you, it's his child too, he gets (or should get) equal input into how the child is raised and cared for. I feel really sorry for both him and your MIL after your updates, you don't seem to be willing to accept anyone else's input or even put any thought into how to reach a reasonable compromise.

If you really feel that a whole day is too much at the moment then maybe consider a few hours at a time during the day - you can go round, leave baby with her, go out for a coffee or to do some shopping or something, then go back to pick up? That's a reasonable compromise, it gives her some special time with her grandchild, but it isn't for a long period of time. It'll also get you used to being away from your baby for short spells, which will likely make it easier when you go back to work. Win win.

@GeekyThings as others have said why does the mil need alone time with someone else's baby at such a young age? Ots not at the expense of the child's its in the best interests of the child to be with their mother! Babies that young are still in the 4tg trimester, all they know and want is their mum wbu they grew inside for the last 9 months! Babies that young still think they are part of the mum so it is distressing for them to be separated from their mother. Why can't the mil just be happy with visiting the baby it it's own home with the mum there and having a quick cuddle like most people do?

Jaaxe · 13/10/2022 15:01

Just say you aren’t ready to be apart from her whilst she’s still so tiny but that it would be helpful for her to have her once a week when you return to work but probably not overnight but you will review this nearer the time. Tell her she’s more than welcome to come round and see her whenever she wants though whilst your on Mat leave and help out and (so long as you are comfortable) she’ll be the first to be asked to babysit should you need it.

Its lovely she wants to be involved (if she isn’t one of those overbearing, I’m gna take over annoying sort of mil’s and you value her in your daughters life) but it’s perfectly normal and completely natural for you to not want to be parted from your newborn and she should understand that. If she doesn’t then she’s the one with the problem not you. Also you are breastfeeding so even if you wanted a day off from her that would be difficult.

I have experience of my ex MIL who was completely overbearing and wanted my first daughter ALL THE TIME and even had the audacity to say “shall I take her overnight tonight so you can get some sleep?” when we had just returned from hospital, my daughter was less than a week old and breastfed and I was that shocked I went “WHAT?! ABSOLUTELY NOT” and she later fell out with me as I didn’t want to be apart from her throughout my whole Mat leave. However when it came to going back to work it was helpful to know I could call on her to have her and i knew she’d never say no.

I also have experience with my current mil who wouldn’t dream of asking to have my children as newborns or even now they’re a little older for even an hour to herself let alone for the day/ overnight but would go out her way to have them if we asked her to. This is better in many ways but as she works and is so busy all the time if we ask her to have the children on rare occasions a lot of the time she can’t as she has things on (but she would love to) and we therefore have huge childcare bills.

PickAnyName · 13/10/2022 15:13

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:25

I am having a year off for maternity leave (hopefully, though we’ll see how it goes with cost of living crisis).

It will be helpful for a day a week when I go back but I just know this will come at the price of being an overnight stay.

MIL absolutely loves newborns, hence why she is keen to start sooner rather than later. She also always wanted a daughter but ended up only having boys, so I think that’s another reason she is being so pushy.

Lovely that she wants to be involved, but she has to back off. Just say you are not ready. Don't even suggest when you might be ready. If she tried to push you, push back. @Rutland2022 gives great guidance on this!

PickAnyName · 13/10/2022 15:16

Blueeyedgirl21 · 12/10/2022 13:50

Can anyone please explain why MIL has to have the baby alone. What is this psychological reasons behind it. I see it so much in my own life and on here. Trying to get it so the DIL is not there. Even when the relationship pre baby is good. Why cant the MIL be happy with having baby for a few hours whilst mum does some housework in the home or whatever or why cant DIL take the baby to MILs and MIL can play with baby etc but DIL is present to chat and have lunch or whatever. It always has to be ‘alone’.

...or even, why can't MIL help with some housework? Now that would be useful!

Baby is not a toy for MIL to play with because she didn't have a DD of her own.

Mariellama · 13/10/2022 15:21

@Cw112 that's not how breastfeeding works, even with fully combifed babies you need to balance breastfeeding and bottle feeding very carefully. Breastfeeding is also not just about nutrition but comfort and reassurance. At 8 ish weeks both of my babies were feeding for food AND comfort every 2-3 hours during the day.

There's no benefit for the baby to be away from OP and perhaps OP doesn't want a 'break' from her baby. Sounds like MIL does see baby regularly, that should be enough for her at this stage and they can discuss future arrangements when baby is older.

MsRosley · 13/10/2022 23:31

VickyEadieofThigh · 12/10/2022 10:41

I agree with all this.

Show quote history

So do I. MiL sounds absolutely batshit.

NomiMacaroni · 09/02/2023 20:00

Can you start off with a day every 2 weeks/once a month and see how it goes?

As a Mum of a 3yo and and 6yo I would be over the moon if my MIL offered this. You don't want to cut off your nose to spit your face.

I get it while she's so little, I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from them either at that point. Can you compromise with a few hrs maybe?

You just don't want to drive her away and regret it later!!

deeperthanallroses · 09/02/2023 20:23

There is no benefit to teeny babies to be away from their mum. It doesn’t help them socialise later, if anything knowing their mum /dad (if they are hands on) is there every second of their life during their first 6-10 months is how they become emotionally secure and happy to leave them. Things would be very icy at our house if my Dh said anything other than ‘op will not be reducing breastfeeding until she feels like it’ and ‘op doesn’t want to leave baby for a day, she’s too young’ to his mum. I’d suggest telling him to do the babies washing and bath and everything else one evening and saying each time I’ve been doing it but if I don’t have the right to say no fucking way to giving my baby to someone else then I’m obviously not qualified to do all the caring for baby, since you don’t seem to think that counts for much. Basically make it clear the costs of pandering to his mum and upsetting you are much higher than the costs of saying no to unreasonable requests.

deeperthanallroses · 09/02/2023 20:24

NomiMacaroni · 09/02/2023 20:00

Can you start off with a day every 2 weeks/once a month and see how it goes?

As a Mum of a 3yo and and 6yo I would be over the moon if my MIL offered this. You don't want to cut off your nose to spit your face.

I get it while she's so little, I wouldn't have wanted to be apart from them either at that point. Can you compromise with a few hrs maybe?

You just don't want to drive her away and regret it later!!

There’s no guarantee she will want a 6 year old to stay regularly. They are quite different to newborns. I wouldn’t start off with anything I don’t feel comfortable with.

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