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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

349 replies

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:14

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

OP posts:

Hindsightin · 11/10/2022 10:15

just say no. Why on earth does your mil neediness take precedence over your feelings as a mother?

TeddyBeans · 11/10/2022 10:16

The whole idea

TeddyBeans · 11/10/2022 10:18

Wow MN had a little moment there.

I meant to say the whole idea of your mat leave is to spend the time bonding with your little one. Tell MIL you won't be giving up a day until you need childcare for your return to work at the very earliest. I didn't spend a day away from DS until his father left and I had to share care with him. DS was 15 months old by that point

NewtoHolland · 11/10/2022 10:18

Perhaps blame the health visitor? Say for secure attachment they've advised you that you are with the baby until they are.....old...makes it easier to blame someone else :)
Or Maybe she could care for the baby on your home for a couple of hours for you one day a week so you're still there? What feels comfortable for you?

Rutland2022 · 11/10/2022 10:19

Say no. Or fuck off if No doesn’t cut it.
No relative has had my DD for a day and she’s 3!
There’s absolutely no part of me that ever wanted to leave DD. I probably would now, but it’s not come up. But absolutely no way would I entertain it for a newborn.
Your baby doesn’t need to bond with anyone else at this point.

Stand your ground now or your life will get difficult.

FluffMagnet · 11/10/2022 10:19

Just say no, and have sharp words with your DH about upsetting you. Babysitting may be very helpful in the future, but essentially sharing a baby? FFS. What if your parents then do the same. Does your DH really want to be in a co-parenting relationship with his parents and in-laws, leaving the pair of you only seeing your own children part of every week?!

HermioneWeasley · 11/10/2022 10:19

Just say she’s very little and you’re not thinking about it yet. Your husband’s role is to support you, by the way, not prioritise his mother.

PeekAtYou · 11/10/2022 10:19

Yanbu to say no.
A fixed day per week will be useful if you go back to work but If be blunt and say let's have this conversation in 6 months time (or other time frame) when things will be clearer.
If your MIL lives locally then you might want the odd couple of hours to run errands or attend appointments at the hairdresser sort of thing but nobody should be pressuring you.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 10:20

Will you expect her to watch her when you feel like it?

Does her dad not her equal say?

I think its lovely she wants to be so involved

2anddone · 11/10/2022 10:20

Crazy how she wants that when baby is so young but be careful how you word it.
If MIL is happy for an over night you have 2 potential days of free childcare if you are planning on returning to work!
Maybe explain that you don't want to do a day of sole bottle feeding while breast feeding baby so young and offer her to come round for a cup of tea instead and take dd for a walk?
Don't let her make you feel guilty she is your baby so do what you feel is best

KylieCharlene · 11/10/2022 10:21

I'd tell her (and your husband) that it's not happening.
You are the mother and you are not comfortable with this. You don't feel you need a break from your young baby.
Of course you will help facilitate a great relationship between her and your baby however there will be no set days she can take baby for the foreseeable future.

whoruntheworldgirls · 11/10/2022 10:21

Just say no i'm sorry she's my baby and i'm not comfortable her being away from me, as and when i do feel comfortable with it i'll let you know.
My daughter is 6 and has only stayed at grandparents overnight once as was necessary and she hasn't had any full days with them, the odd couple of hours yes but not as a baby. Hasn't affected their bond/relationship at all.
Don't do it if your not comfortable with it, she's your baby.

TwoWeeksislong · 11/10/2022 10:22

Tell her you’ll ask her to babysit when you want a sitter. Don’t entertain anymore of this nonsense. No one should be pressuring a new mother to separate from her baby. It’s just going to create a stressed mum, baby and a mastitis risk.

B1pbop · 11/10/2022 10:22

If you want her help when you go back to work the issue is really that she’s pushing it before you’re ready to discuss it. Maybe just reassure her that she will be a big feature in your child’s life but at a pace that’s right for attachment and family needs. Tell her that her hassling you is making you feel anxious and rushed and that there’s no need for it.

Rutland2022 · 11/10/2022 10:22

Topgub · 11/10/2022 10:20

Will you expect her to watch her when you feel like it?

Does her dad not her equal say?

I think its lovely she wants to be so involved

What is lovely about pressuring a new mother to leave her child when they have shown no desire to?
There’s years and years to be involved. But funnily enough the batshit MIL’s usually only want the newborns to play dolly with. They go off the boil once they are difficult toddlers or non compliant children….

Worthyornot · 11/10/2022 10:23

Op this is completely wrong. Your baby is tiny, there is absolutely no need for anyone else to have her if you don't want it. Put your foot down, this is your baby and you don't have to do anything to please anyone else!! She wants you to switch to formula so that it suits her, she doesn't care about what's best for your baby. Your dh needs to step up and get his mother to back off.

wifeofaclosefriend · 11/10/2022 10:24

"Sorry, I want to breastfeed for as long as I can do while I am happy to use formula on the odd occasion, I'm not happy with been away from baby for a full day as yet. It's my maternity leave and I want to spend as much time with her as possible. Please let me know if you want to come round and see us or take baby out for a walk though"

KingJulien · 11/10/2022 10:24

One of the things you need to learn to do as a parent is advocate for what is best for your child. Learn to say no and make your feelings clearly understood. No need to use health visitors as a scape goat or make other wishy washy promises. Just say it’s lovely that she wants to be involved but it doesn’t work for you or baby right now.

ThatsTheWayIHikeIt · 11/10/2022 10:25

I'm not doubting you OP but I do find these threads quite unbelievable. In what universe does this happen? No, she can't just demand you hand over your baby, and no your DH doesn't get an equal say because he's just trying to placate his mother, he's not putting his child's interests first.

FlibbertyGiblets · 11/10/2022 10:25

No thank you. She is too little. When we are ready we will let you know. (kick your husband up the bum, he needs to be protecting and supporting the mother/baby breastfeeding dyad not enabling a separation!)

CatchersAndDreams · 11/10/2022 10:25

I'm sure you will have loads of posters telling you not to do it.

My perspective is a bit different. My lovely lovely nan who was a lot younger then she is now had my dc from babies on a set day. It went to a set overnight when they were at school but she had them overnight before that if I was going out.

My dc have the best relationship with her and it's so lovely to see. She's basically house bound now but my older teens go and visit her off their own back. They walked her dog a few times a week before ddog was PTS. My dc have massively benefited from their relationship.

When she was younger she would pick them up from school once a week, take them to their hobby, have them for tea and take them to school the next day. This was a joy for her, my dc loved it and I loved the break.

Don't cut your nose off just yet OP. Have a look into how positive social connections and community is a HUGE protective factor for dcs MH and better life outcomes. The best thing you can do for your dc is to create lots of positive social and emotional relationships for them.

Original poster

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:25

I am having a year off for maternity leave (hopefully, though we’ll see how it goes with cost of living crisis).

It will be helpful for a day a week when I go back but I just know this will come at the price of being an overnight stay.

MIL absolutely loves newborns, hence why she is keen to start sooner rather than later. She also always wanted a daughter but ended up only having boys, so I think that’s another reason she is being so pushy.

OP posts:

Anonymouseposter · 11/10/2022 10:26

I would just tell her that you think the baby is too young and you’ll think about it when she’s a bit older. You don’t have to go along with anything you aren’t comfortable with but in a few months you might appreciate a bit of time to yourself.

serenghetti2011 · 11/10/2022 10:27

Why does she need to claim her for a whole day though, being close isn’t about annoying other people it’s about the relationship she builds with the baby/child.

my mum moved to Australia when my eldest was 11 days old and they are very close, she wasn’t even in the country when my second son was born and is very close to both boys because the effort was put in, obs not by having them for a ‘day’ mil just wants to have the child for her own selfish reasons and that’s not putting your daughter or you first so how she’ll be close I don’t know

Raindancer411 · 11/10/2022 10:27

Just say no, it isn't going to work for you and even one day will mess with your supply. She is your DD, put your foot down.

What is the plan for when you go back to work? You can maybe say nearer to the time you can start introducing days but for now she needs you and not her Grandma...

With over nights just stay no if that is not what you want at all. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything

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