To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

You MIL wants to have your child a full day including staying over on a set day each week?

Have you and your DH decided you're sharing custody of your child with his mother?

Yes kids spend time with their grandparents and even stay over but what your MIL is pushing for is beyond that;does she have form for boundary pushing?

Honestly, I think you should really consider this. It will be a lot easier to leave her if it’s already started from a young age. I can leave my 1 year old with any of his grandparents and he settled really well with a childminder when I went back to work. That one day a week will let you have a break and she’ll build a great bond with her grandma. I get the need to be overprotective but I never get why people make such a big deal out of grandparents wanting to spend time with their grandchildren while they have the chance! My little boy is going away for a few nights with my parents, he’s been with them a few times this year. I miss him but gives me chance to reset, get the house clean, do some life admin! It’s a godsend.

Just say no. And stick to it.

There is absolutely zero benefit for your newborn baby to be alone with someone who is not her main caregiver for more than an hour. So do not feel awkward or second guess yourself about boundaries. You feel uncomfortable for a reason. So the answer is no.

Why is this woman undermining your breastfeeding of a newborn to get what she wants? Your baby is not a dolly for her to play with and relive motherhood.

If she asks why not, as her why she is so keen to have the baby alone - why isn't it good enough for her to spend time with you both/all? Bonding is not a good enough answer - she can do that with you/DH there.

If she keeps asking, tell her to please stop and you will let her know when you think the time is right but it won't be for a year (less and she will keep pushing).

And enlist support from your DH - this will be essential!

Your MIL needs to find another hobby that isn't your baby.

I can picture her having people over slobbering all in your babies face with who knows what germs, cold sores, etc. for her look at me moment.

Just tell her no.

This, in spades.

Tell her, nicely, to back off. You'll let her know when you're ready for some time off but right now you want to be with your baby and please stop asking.

Tell your DH in no uncertain terms to back you up, too.

And my comment was OTT? 😂

OK, well that’s lovely but there are some mums who DON’T want to hand their 8 week old breastfed babies over to all who ask just because they’re family.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

This is actually making me really annoyed on your behalf. You're vulnerable with a tiny baby at the moment. Stand up for yourself, find that inner mama bear and do what is right for YOU. You can hold her off as long as you damn well like!

The issue here is the motivation behind the offer.
If she is offering because she wants to help out, she will be happy to fit in with what is most helpful to you, whether thats babysitting at your house for a couple of hours, or taking DD for a walk so you get a bit of time to yourself or do some housework.
If its because she wants to play dolls, then thats her being selfish and you have no obligation at all to give in.
She shouldnt be pushing for you to change your feeding habits to suit her either way, and your husband should be supporting you whatever your decision. Perhaps he could speak with her to suggest she comes to yours / babysits on your terms rather than demands to have DD for an entire day. That way she still gets to build up her bond, without impacting on your feeding.

The set day thing isnt a bad idea - it allows MIL to plan her week and set time aside to dedicate to DD.

Tell your husband to get a bloody backbone and tell his mother it’s not happening or else you will tell her and you won’t mince your words. Her needs (which are ridiculous)do not trump yours.
You don’t need this hassle when you should be enjoying your new baby. Your baby, your rules.

Absolutely not 🤷🏻‍♀️ there can be visits each side but I wouldn't drop my BFed baby in anyone's house alone, unless it was strictly necessary.

@Rutland2022

why on earth would she be telling her to fuck off?!

op will only be too glad of mother in law babysitting in a few months so she can go
to dinner with her partner or out with her mates or whatever

do no burn bridges!

I think it's fine to say no but do it kindly. It's coming from a place of love and you are likely to value her support in the future.

There are enough threads on mn about unsupportive or indifferent grandparents, or grandparents who live too far away to be helpful, for me to think that you may feel differently in the future.

It's up to you push back and don't be gentle if she won't get the message!

At 2 months old I'd have enjoyed a few hrs to myself certainly jot a dull day. Even so when they so little you don't want to be away for long at all you always worrying if they feeding etc. if you want to let her have baby when it suits you then play it that way. Certainly not a set full day a week. Maybe she can do that when ur bk at work and looking for help with childcare.

@YoSofi

And this fair enough.

Its also fair enough for the mil to wamt to spend time with her grandchild

Neither are unreasonable and there's no need to be adversarial about it.

Compromise

🤷‍♀️

Absolutely not

I can so relate. My MIL seemed to treat me as an obstacle to her relationship with DD when she was a tiny baby. She was really caught up in the long view of granny-granddaughter sleepovers and cake baking etc, and wanted that NOW. She would get very disappointed when my baby wanted me or her dad, and seemed offended that the baby's primary relationship was with us at that young age, as if we'd engineered it to thwart her?

Your MIL isn't grasping that she wants something that isn't yet possible, and she'd do better to drop in for a few hours regularly, become a familiar stable presence, so that when your baby is older, more responsive, more independent, the relationship is primed for her to give more regular care when needed. My MIL and my daughter now have a lovely relationship, exactly the kind she always wanted, but this is possible because my daughter is 3. 2 months is just too early for what she wants. Stick to your guns and don't let her take this very brief and precious time away from you. They have years ahead to do all the things she wants.

Absolutely not! She is not entitled to anything with YOUR baby. If she wants to visit with you, or babysit and you are comfortable with that then fine. But she is not entitled to anything, and you aren’t required to hand over your child so she can play at having the baby she never had.

Totally agree!

I would just say no and look her straight in the eye. It’s your baby not hers. She is behaving oddly and it’s not in the baby’s interests to be separated from you at this stage.

It's great that Lucky and Bee wanted this. No one disputes that some parents feel totally happy with this kind of arrangement.

But the OP doesn't. She doesn't want to be away from her baby, or to move from BF to pumping. She doesn't want to broker longer term babysitting benefits. She feels under pressure to agree to something she doesn't want. And that is not good.

@Topgub fine for a GP to offer babysitting, not fine for pushing until OP feels ground down and has to give in.

Baby is still young and breastfed, not that easy for GP to babysit for a whole day.

OP isn't preventing a relationship between DD and MIL as sees her every week. Why the demand to have her on her own?

When the baby is so young, breastfed and mum is primary carer then mum does have final say

If you're at home for the first year anyway, I'd just say no but you're happy to do it when you go back to work. She can build a relationship in other ways. I don't think taking away a breastfed baby away for a day is the best idea (unless it's necessary, like mum has to go back to work etc). But when you're at home anyway, I don't see the need. Mil could come over once a week and spend a few hours instead? My mil would ask constantly to take my newborn breastfed baby out alone without me. It was weird and I never said yes. it took me a long time to then say yes because I found it so bizarre that she wanted to always be on her own with him. Just set your boundaries and what you feel comfortable with. Your baby, not Mils.

Oh no that wouldn't work for me! That early on your supposed to pump for every bottle they have? Is she gonna ring you everytime baby has a bottle?

I think perhaps by 5 or 6 months you might be ready (I certainly would love someone just to have my bub for one day, he's 5.5 months now, hasn't been sleeping well and im exhausted!)

Just tell her not at the moment but try and maybe spend some days with her? (Depends how much you like you MIL I guess 😂😂)