To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

How entitled to say no but then say OK when it suits me

Why do GPs think it’s their right to have GC for a day or overnight? I see this a lot on GN and want to tell them to stop interfering.
When she asks again say “what day would you like us to come over?” Make it clear you will be staying. If you are topping up with formula you won’t be able to express enough milk for a day, tell her you don’t want baby to have just formula. Or just be honest and say, “maybe when older, just not yet”, and repeat. But you may need her for babysitting in future so don’t alienate her!

A pump doesn't drain your milk as good as a baby so if MIL takes the baby for a day your milk supply will reduce even if you pump . It sounds like you already don't have a big milk supply. That would be a good excuse to keep the baby with you . I wouldn't rule out a few hours of childcare some mornings though so that you can get some sleep !

Don't be so bloody stupid, baby is w months old

I honestly never really understand how weirdly possessive some mums are. (Don't mean op 2 months is still very young)

Until they want time off and then the gp they've been slagging off as pushy and too involved are suddenly ok.

But I’m not bothered about having the babysitting long term.

DD will have to go go to nursery when I’m back at work anyway.

@Chickychoccyegg

So?

No, far too young, LO need her mum at that age and as pp said it won't do your milk supply any favours. Why can't she spend time with her granddaughter with you around? (This one always confuses me on MN, my MIL never had the slightest interest in having time with our DC without me or DH around to do all the nappy changes)

BUT - If you do actually want/need her to help with free childcare when you go back to work you need to not alienate her completely.

@Mitzymarvel So you won't ever ask your mil to babysit on your terms or when it suits you?

Fair enough

ah x-post with your update. In that case it's just a plain old "no thank you MIL"

No way!! She's your baby and she's still so young so she needs you. If you don't want to be away from her for a whole day every week then you absolutely shouldn't have too. It may be different when you're back at work and need childcare but DD will be much older then.

I'm due my first DD in January and I dread this kind of behavior from in-laws...

Assuming your on good terms normally could you compromise- go over with the baby? That way she gets to see the baby, and you get some adult time out the house

I agree that atm baby is too young - why not say that you’ll start off with a morning or afternoon once baby is about 5 months old? This would give you some free time to do what you want - that could be a trip to the hairdresser/gym/coffee with a friend?
before then, encourage her to pop round for a morning/ afternoon whilst you are there so she can get to know the baby and bind with them and you can potter and have a bath/do the hoovering/ pop shopping etc.Or even catch up on that non- existent sleep you might need!

This will then give you a grounding for the baby to go there once a week when you go back to work (or if you don’t and are a SAHM you’ll have time to do those things when baby isn’t there.)

it sounds like to me, that MIL just wants to be involved and that’s really lovely 😊
Im sure you’ll see on other threads how people moan that GP’s don’t want to be involved but if you push her away now then she might never offer again.

MIL probably has a life outside of your family and if she wants to plan her weeks around when she’s having the baby (to give you a break/save you childcare fees) then she’s not being unreasonable- she may need that certainty! I have friends who only go shopping on a Thursday (no deviation😱) - it’s not for me! (they like to know what they are doing everyday of the week)

I hope you come to an agreement between you

And of course you can say no! I wouldn't be comfortable with that either

So the OP should give her baby up for a full day a week, and then an overnight incase she needs a babysitter in future?

Since when we’re babies bargaining tools? She’s 8 weeks old ffs!

Another vote for just being direct and honest.

Next time she mentions it

Sorry Mary but I'm just not ready for anyone to have Prunella for that long and I honestly don't know when I will be. Maybe we can think about it later on my in my mat.

And repeat. If DH says "But my Mommy is so sad, you have to make her not sad, poor Mommy" say "well Prunella's Momym will be sad if she does go and she's your wife so no"

Why does childcare once you're back at work mean an overnight? If she's basically bribing you to help I'd be not using her.

Fine if that's what you wanted, but did your lovely nan pressurise you to hand over your children on set days? I doubt it. It's the assumption and the pressure to comply that rings alarm bells for me.

Is there not a compromise to be found though ? A morning for example.... She is very enthusiastic about spending time with grandchild which is lovely. Allowing her some time to build up their relationship will be really beneficial in the long term when you will need childcare.... yes two month olds are just adorable but you might be really appreciate having someone capable to hand over your 5 month old to so you can get haircut etc. I say this as someone who didn't have anyone around to help ...I would try to find a solution and this also allows you to set down boundaries and operate by your rules more rather than leaving it all until your going back to work.

Just tell her that you will be spending your maternity leave with your baby. You might (note "might" rather than "will") consider taking her up on the offer of daycare for a day or two each week when you are considering returning to work as that would be helpful and beneficial all round.

Note that it is "daycare" though. There will be no overnights until or unless you and your baby are ready, except perhaps in an emergency.

She doesn't get a say I'm afraid. This is up to you the mother with a newborn. Your choice.

Re overnights in a while - this will need discussed with your dh and both of you get an equal say (depending on ebf of course - if that's the case then it's solely your call)

I would be kind in my refusal, (unless she's a pushy bitch usually) but if you don't want to then it's a solid NO.

“Thank you very much for your kind offer MIL, myself and DD are nowhere near ready for this yet though. If you’d like to pop round one day a week and spend the day with us or have us pop to yours I’d be more than happy to.”

An eager MIL is worth their weight in gold, so some sort of compromise you are happy with is always good. Especially if you’ll be wanting her for childcare later on in life.

Your DH needs to grow a pair, now and support you.

@YoSofi

Give her baby up?

That's a weirdly ott choice of phrase.

No, she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to but I also think the dad should get a say. It's his baby too.

But I dont think the op can then moan if the mil says no

Can't have it both ways

Absolutely this. I don't understand why people who aren't the child's parents have this sense of entitlement about having 'alone time' with other peoples babies. Agree with PP that this will turn into co-parenting. They will also become precious about you doing anything on 'their' day which will impact you making plans which is not on. Honestly I'd be putting this to bed now.

I'm still having this issue with my mil - she wants me to take my son out of the nursery he attends on 2 set days per week so she can take him instead. She works shifts and does 4 on/4 off so doesn't have them same days off each week- how does she thinks this would work when my husband works 5 days and I work a set 4?! She brings it up every so often - 'I've been thinking about nursery' and I just cut her off now and say 'you don't need to worry about nursery, it's not your decision to make' and then just sit in awkward silence until she moves on.

Do what is right for you and baby, and stand your ground now

You should ask yourself why your husband is more worried about upsetting his mum than you.

Now would be a good time to remind him that you should be his priority.