To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

There is a happy little word you can use here ‘no’!

I have small grandchildren and hell would freeze over before I would make such a suggestion!

your MIL is perhaps a little odd?

you enjoy your little one while you can, they are not tiny for long!

@Dreamer14 it would appear MIL wants DD all by herself and doesn’t want OP around. If she genuinely wanted to be helpful and supportive she would be happy to do what you suggest (as would most GPs)

And again if MIL genuinely wants to be a supportive grandmother she would totally listen to OP when she says it is too soon for MIL to have DD one day a week, but OP may feel different in a few months time, and she would wait and offer if there was anything else she could do to help in the meantime. She wouldn’t be pushing the OP for one day a week

Amazing the MILs on here whose mindset seems to be 'right well if my demands to have the baby whenever I want aren't met, I'm going to punish DIL by never providing any childcare when the child is older'. All about what they want, not even considering what the baby or mother need.

I'm bloody glad I never had a MIL in the picture, I've raised DC by myself and used paid childcare when I needed to.

Too passive…right gist

”I am breastfeeding for as long as me and baby can make it work. Whilst I use formulae on odd occasion that is an exception not the rule that only me or baby will make. As a consequence leaving the baby with anyone else while I’m breastfeeding is not an option.

I get maternity leave for a reason, which is to ensure I recover fully from the long term effects of pregnancy and birth, and so that the baby gets the best possible start in life including being breastfed for as long as possible, to ensure a good sleep and other routines are established, and to allow a strong parenteral bond to develop.

I know generations of women, like you, fought for legal Maternity leave and it may not have existed as the full 12 months in your day, but these days thankfully the government LEGISLATES so that mothers need sufficient time and babies need that 12 months with 1 of their parents full time caring (this is reference to sharedarenteral leave ) as recommended by numerous public health bodies and WHO .
It would be loverly, and beneficially for baby to start to spend some time with you in a few weeks. That needs to start with very short periods of times, that is flexible, and in my home where I can step in if needed at least till a stable routine is established and baby is weaned partially,. Overtime as baby gets more dependant, at minimum form 12 months on, we would welcome you increasing your visit or beginning baby’s visit to you.

Remember, as a grandchild, they won’t recall these early days with you…they will recall the lovely memories you make when they are say 4-5 onwards where you can have a very individual and personal relationship with them. I would love to see that and how you use your (insert word like gift, talent etc) with baby.

She's had her baby! You want yours. Not way would I be giving up a bmday for my MIL. When you're back at work great, until then nope!

How entitled to say no but then say OK when it suits me

1 month old babies are only away from mum overnight for extreme reasons like mum being in hospital. They don't benefit being away from mum (or dad) for 24 hours.

Pressuring someone into a decision that they aren't ready to make is unfair. Op is clearly open to MIL's request when baby is older but it's impossible to put a date on it or prepare herself. She's never denied MIL a chance to
visit the family of 3 which is a good compromise for now.

MIL is nuts and your DH needs to deal with it

@BuildersTeaMaker

Where does the WHO and numerous public health bodies recommend that babies under 12 months are only cared for by 1 parent?

You’re not happy with it, so just say no.

Shes too young.
We’re too busy with baby groups etc.
I don’t want to interrupt breastfeeding.

Any reason you’re not happy with it is a legitimate reason. If your spineless husband feels he’s in a difficult place, don’t involve him. YOU be the one to say NO. YOU’RE the one looking after her all day, not him.

No chance I’d be leaving my tiny baby with anyone, on their own.

Your MIL has had her babies. This is YOUR baby.

I think just from a breastfeeding pov you can say no! 2 months is still tiny and as they say, the 4th trimester. Trying to pump all day will mess up your supply. I went back to work when dd1 was 9months, eating well and I still went home to feed her at lunchtimes. I would have struggled to manage all day, until she dropped that feed herself.

Your mil can pop over and bond with your baby with you there. Over time she can build on that relationship, maybe taking the baby for short amounts of time when you are ready.

Any excuses you give she will argue with.
So don't give any, just say no. I used to complain that neither set of grandparents were interested. Starting to think its a blessing!

Even without all the very many valid reasons that pp have outlined as to why this is not a reasonable request, the breastfeeding side of things alone is a strong barrier. Pumping should be something that is done only if and when the mother wants to, not because someone else requests it. And for this reason too, no, the father does not get equal say, as a few pp have suggested. The mother/baby breastfeeding relationship is a dyad, and particularly co-dependent. The mother gets the final say as to whether she is ready or happy to be separated from her child.

To mil you say she’s so small and she’s my baby, I can’t bear to be apart. To dh you say over my dead body, and you are not neutral here- you need to support me in looking after our baby. Your mum is an adult, our baby needs me while so tiny.

I never understand these sort of threads (in terms of the MIL putting pressure on. Why can't they just calm the fuck down? ). Just say no , you're not comfortable with baby being away from you while she is so young. You will get very painful boobs if she is away from you over night, or even all day
You can talk about it when you go back to work or she is at least 1 or whatever you think is reasonable. She is more than welcome to visit while you are there. Stick to it like a broken record. Say the same to DH (I would go ballistic with my DH if he was prioritising MIL feelings over mine) .
Please stick up for yourself. Don't be manipulated into doing it because she might not babysit in future. A good MIL would support your wishes at this point ( and so would a good DH) .

How entitled to say no but then say OK when it suits me

Yes that’s how consent works.

When friends are going out, I join them when it suits me and not when it doesn’t.

When My partner asks me to have sex, I say no when I don’t want to and yes please when it suits me.

When a salesperson asks me I want to buy a dress, I say no if I don’t want to but then say yes when I do.

My time, my money , my body, , my life , my 2 month old baby. My choice.

There’s always someone who wants to insist that women who want to have freedom of choice in their own lives are entitled.

Its also self defeating - its saying "if I can't have what I want now I'm going to deprive myself of DGC forever".

The OP is already supporting a relationship by accommodating frequent visits for the day. She isn't ready for being away for a whole day or overnight yet - that is normal at this age.

Its disingenuous for posters to suggest that its "hand over now or never", just because the OP is willing to reopen the subject when she returns to work. A new baby is a world away from a weaning six month+ old who is ready for a childcare setting and a mother who feels confident to leave that child. A whole day and/or night is also a world away from a couple of hours.

A key point here is also that its very one sided - what kind of DGM wants their new grandchild's feeding programme disrupted just so that they can play mummy with the child? Its not a normal demand of a new mother.

My 15 week old has been going to MIL for a day (about 4-5 hours) since he was 10 weeks old but it was an offer with zero pressure/expectations. I love it because I get time then to go for a run, sort the house or just chill with the dog 😂It needs to be something YOU want and are comfortable with though. It just so happens that I’ve been very happy from the start to “leave him” with his grans. Everyone is different though and I think it’s a personal thing. Plus he’s formula fed which makes it easier. We haven’t done an overnight yet and my mum has said she won’t do one until he’s older as it’s a big responsibility.

Can you thank MIL for the offer but say it’s a little soon and something that could be reviewed in a couple of months? You might find yourself wanting a few hours to yourself later on.

I ebf my dd. There is no way one day a week is viable to continuing long term breastfeeding. Idk why you top up with formula but if that’s fine if it works for you but your milk should be enough. But if you want to breastfeed long term, it’s definitely harder to mixed feed. So just something to bear in mind.

I tried giving a formula feed a couple of times and realised just how much it affected supply so stopped. I did this because I was fearful it wasn’t enough for dd because I didn’t have loads of milk as some women do and never even felt a let down. However, I realised just how full and painful my boobs were and realised it was just enough. It did get very much harder to produce enough as dd reached weaning age. I had to feed a lot to satiate her.

It is also very important to put your baby to the breast when they’re going through a growth spurt. These spurts are regular and you could easily miss a large chunk of that window. so your mil taking your baby just for the day will really affect your long term supply.

That is just the practical feeding stuff and there is no way on earth I would have allowed my dd to be away from me as a tiny baby. Your dh needs to realise he’s part of a new nuclear family now.

@R0BYN

Fair point

The baby isn't just hers though.

The rest I agree with.

Is it in your child's interests to be apart from its mother while still full time breastfeeding? No. Is it in yours? No, you'll end up very uncomfortable even with pumping, and it could affect your milk supply.

Your MIL's needs do not come before everyone else's, and your DH needs to grow a pair.

Hell will freeze over the day my dh gets to tell me the babies are going to his mother's house for the day when I'm at home to care for them because 'he has equal say'. No he bloody doesn't and if he doesn't like it he can leave and share his one week night and eow with his mum!

What a toxic and misogynistic little notion.

These situations, where the DH is prepared to potentially upset and traumatize DW and baby all so as not to upset his DM, make me foam at the mouth.

And what is with all these selfish GPs wanting to push out the baby's mother? I've never come across them, fortunately, so I'm hoping they're too common.

The baby isn’t just op’s. However, she and her dh had a baby to complete their family, not his mum’s family. The agreement was op takes a year off for mat leave to look after the baby. That agreement didn’t include giving the baby to his mum once a week to satisfy her desires. I cannot imagine any woman agreeing to this while ttc and he can’t move the goal posts just to please his mum now the baby is here.

@Whitepouringglue

You dont think your kids dad has equal say in how they are parented?

Do they have any say?

@ROBYN I heart you.