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Original poster

To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

349 replies

Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 10:14

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 11/10/2022 14:08

Topgub · 11/10/2022 13:59

@R0BYN

Fair point

The baby isn't just hers though.

The rest I agree with.

What exactly is it you are saying here?

That a woman, 8 weeks post partum and breastfeeding should, against her will, hand her baby to her MIL for a set day and night a week, simply because the baby is her husband’s too.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 14:09

@Mummyoflittledragon

The op doesn't say she is taking 1 years at leave or that the request was discussed while ttc.

That would be weird

The op doesn't want to do it. She doesn't have to.

I just dont think its worth creating a war over or that gp or dh are monsters as is being suggested

NightmareSituation · 11/10/2022 14:09

YANBU. I don’t know what it is with all these grandparents that insist they need to be alone with grandchildren. You have good reason to say no and are perfectly entitled to do so.

  1. You don’t want to pump or combination feed
  2. You want to enjoy as much time as possible before returning to work
  3. You just don’t feel you or DD are ready for that yet.

Out of interest, did your MIL used to leave your DH as a baby regularly and just for her parents self indulgence? I bet the answer is no.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 14:10

@Vivi0

Nope

I mean you can quote where I've said anything like that if you want though?

xogossipgirlxo · 11/10/2022 14:11

SoftwareDev · 11/10/2022 13:26

OP I’m appalled at your partners attitude to this. He is basically saying his mother’s needs take priority over your feelings as a mother. I’d ask him to clarify that’s exactly what he’s saying! You may well find he backs down.

When my son was a baby he was never away from me for more than a couple of hours and even then he was with his dad!

If your MIL has a desperate need to mother a newborn baby girl on her own that’s her issue - not yours! If she had any sense she would be building bonds with both of you (e.g holding baby while you relax with a hot drink in the same room for example).

100% this. Why to take such a small baby away from mother? That won't do anything good.

Anothermother3 · 11/10/2022 14:13

Absolutely no grey areas here or she will keep pushing. It’s not good for you or your baby if it makes you stressed and upset to be separate from her. She’s tiny and it’s normal not to want to be away from such a little baby, especially a first child. Take it at your pace. Set the boundaries make sure your DH have the same message.

daretodenim · 11/10/2022 14:15

MIL loves newborns? Well she had her own.

Now you get your turn.

As for DH not wanting to upset his mum, WTAF? He'd want to separate his breastfed baby from her mother, so his own mum doesn't get upset?!! He can't even prioritise a tiny baby?

Wow.

Herejustforthisone · 11/10/2022 14:47

Another pathetic man prepared to put his mother ahead of his partner and newborn child. Grim.

Whybot · 11/10/2022 14:50

You and your babies needs first , forever.
I would nt negotiate. Just say I’m not ready to do that thanks .
Attachment parenting is worth looking up .

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/10/2022 14:58

YellowTreeHouse · 11/10/2022 12:15

Firstly, Breastmilk is enough for your baby. She doesn’t need formula top ups.

Secondly, learn to say no and mean it. Be assertive about it. If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s okay. And you don’t ever have to be, at any age.

Your first comment is irrelevant and you cannot possibly know more than this baby's parents.

CousinTime · 11/10/2022 15:01

Hello no.
just that.

CousinTime · 11/10/2022 15:01

*Hell no

Maray1967 · 11/10/2022 15:04

deeperthanallroses · 11/10/2022 13:51

To mil you say she’s so small and she’s my baby, I can’t bear to be apart. To dh you say over my dead body, and you are not neutral here- you need to support me in looking after our baby. Your mum is an adult, our baby needs me while so tiny.

Exactly this. Put your foot down politely but firmly. Give DH a bollocking if he doesn’t support you. She wants to play mummy by having your DD on her own - no way would I have allowed that, not that my mil would have asked such a weird thing.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/10/2022 15:05

Snoopsnoggysnog · 11/10/2022 13:00

Exactly. Why would you not want your child to bond with your family unless you’re NC?

Show quote history

Explain to me why a full day without parents present is required for bonding?

My kids didn't do this until they were 5 and 8, because my parents live 200 miles away. They still have a great relationship and 6 years later, mum takes all three on holiday for a week or so every summer holiday.

StapFooterin · 11/10/2022 15:10

Explain to me why a full day without parents present is required for bonding?

Yes please. I'd like to know this too ...

MeridianB · 11/10/2022 15:41

Explain to me why a full day without parents present is required for bonding?

Yes please. I'd like to know this too ...

And me.

Mariellama · 11/10/2022 16:23

So So many reasons to say a big fat NO!

  1. Baby is way too young to be away from you for that long. Psychologists say that 1 month old = 1 hour away from primary carer, 1 year old = 1 day away etc. Of course some families do do it because the want to and it's fine, but psychologists don't recommend it.
  1. Being away from your baby for that long will affect your milk supply and cause you discomfort, mastitis can develop very fast. Pumping is never as effective as letting baby feed directly from you. Does your DH want to be responsible for a nasty infection that might require hospital treatment? I say this as a mum who breastfed two, sometimes I accidentally fed from the wrong breast and started feeling unwell within hours. I was totally fine after lots of feeding and a hot shower but not being able to breastfeed for a day would have been really difficult.
  1. You are the baby's primary carer and food source, if you don't want to be separated from your baby you don't need to! When your DH is baby's primary carer and deals with night feeds and stays with baby 24/7 he can have an opinion! DH needs to put your and your baby's needs first.

Don't let anyone bully or blackmail you, a granny who threatens not to provide childcare in the future doesn't deserve to be a granny. Also, many families including mine haven't got family locally for support anyway and we manage just fine! DD has had 1 overnight stay with my parents (they live abroad) without us and that was when she was nearly 2. She is really close to my parents and they facetime all the time. I've had that 1 night off in nearly 3 years of parenting and I'm completely fine with it, they won't be little forever.

Topgub · 11/10/2022 16:31

@Mariellama

What do psychologists say are the risks of not adhering to these guidelines?

What if your kids don't have 1 primary carer?

girlfriend44 · 11/10/2022 17:20

Exactly alot of people would love that and aovely way to bond with grandparent.
One day grandparent won't be here to help out anymore but folks never see or that way.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/10/2022 17:39

@girlfriend44 seeing as my grandparents are still very much alive and only 80 and thriving, and I’m 31, I don’t think the old ‘one day they won’t be here to baby sit’ thing rings true 🤣 my mum was 43 when she became a nana! Think she would have been offended if you’d suggested she was about to keel over from old age

Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/10/2022 17:42

@Topgub does it really matter what psychologists say or whether some babies have four adults as the primary carers or are raised four days a week by their great aunt Sally who loves kids or whatever what matters is OP’s feelings around this and what she is personally comfortable with at only 8 weeks into motherhood. Don’t know why you’re so insistent that anyone who won’t leave a newborn is weird or possessive or whatever. It’s nature, hormones etc, that make women protective over newborns and small babies! Some people have trusted family
or friends they want to involve from the start, some people take a bit longer, some people are comfortable with certain people and not others doing care for longer periods of time, it takes all sorts, no one is criticizing you if you’re a very involved nana, it’s just that OP personally is not wanting the arrangement suggested, it’s a personal thing !

Original poster
Mitzymarvel · 11/10/2022 17:50

Thanks for all your comments. It’s reassured me that I’m not being unreasonable to not want to hand over my newborn for a day each week.

I don’t object to MIL regularly visiting and spending time with us, but I don’t understand why she needs to get me out of the picture and have the baby to herself.

If that means she won’t babysit further down the line, then so be it, though I suspect she won’t want to cut off her nose to spite her face.

DH needs to support me on this. It is hard though, as she puts the pressure on him on the phone when I’m not there to say no. She really knows how to manipulate him - turns on the waterworks etc. Makes me look like the bad guy.

OP posts:
girlfriend44 · 11/10/2022 17:51

Blueeyedgirl21 · 11/10/2022 17:39

@girlfriend44 seeing as my grandparents are still very much alive and only 80 and thriving, and I’m 31, I don’t think the old ‘one day they won’t be here to baby sit’ thing rings true 🤣 my mum was 43 when she became a nana! Think she would have been offended if you’d suggested she was about to keel over from old age

You never know when anythings going to happen.
Tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone not even you and me.

Darbs76 · 11/10/2022 17:55

Just say you’re not ready. Really don’t know why these pushy mothers or MIL risk alienating relationships by insisting on time with their GC that’s not supported by the mother. I hope I don’t ever turn into one. Infact I’d love GC at some point but I’ve spent 29yrs (tomorrow) raising kids and I’ve still got 4yrs until my youngest is 18, so I’m happy to have some time to myself! Won’t be any GC pressure here

Topgub · 11/10/2022 17:56

@Blueeyedgirl21

I'm not a nana. I'm not taking anything personally.

I was just interested in the claim, thats all. It has wider impacts that time with gp after all.

And I'm not insistent that anyone who doesn't want to leave a newborn is weird or possessive. I havent said that. Some women do seem to want to turn into a battle. Even with their own ohs it would seem. Hormones could be to blame.

It is a personal thing but there have been lots of people claiming its weird or wrong to want to leave them or for gp / family to want to have them alone. Why arent you challenging those comments?