To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

Absolutely agree it is great for grandparents and kids to have a close relationship. However surely there is middle ground - demanding a full day of solo care + impending overnights is absolutely not the only way of achieving a great relationship.

When we had our now six year old, my mil was full of demands and expectations. We had to put up very strong boundaries, because at the time we thought she would just take over. Our son has still never stayed the night. My bil has since had a kid, and didn't enforce those boundaries. Within three months, mil had moved into their two bedroom flat, and now a year later, bil and sil are facing divorce because of the drama mil has brought into their lives. Cringe-worthingly predictable, like watching a car crash in slow motion.

@Vivi0

I havent forced anyone to do or think anything

No one is forced to listen to a single comment.

I'm sharing my views as raised by the op.

My comments were in response to other points raised by different posters who seemed to be suggesting its abnormal in some way for gp to want to spend time with their gc alone.

Sorry you didn't get the context of that discussion but tbh I'm not sure why you're so focused on my comments when lots are saying similar and even more are saying their way is the right way in the opposite direction

What about the safety aspects, germs, cot death? Who will GM show baby off to, allow to touch baby, allow to pad baby round like a toy? Who will vet those people and decide whether they should?

Does GM have a proper cot, mattress, bedding, baby alarm, are we certain she will use it. What about sterilising equipment. What about leaving baby unattended. Would you forgive yourself OP, if you handed your baby over and you didn't get baby back?

This is quite besides everything pp have said. There is no reason anyone should demand to take a baby away from it's mother, when the mother is clearly uncomfortable with the idea. It would be different if the OP wanted it, if it were her idea. But it's not. She's just scared GM will punish her in some way of she doesn't comply with the demand. That is completely different to the family situations some pp have described.

Does everyone live in EastEnders these days, where every life situation is a battle?

Have a chat about it? Compromise? Say you aren't ready to be separated now but it sounds lovely for the future? (Entirely up to you whether 'the future' is in a few months or never.)

Obviously everyone is different but I loved handing my DD over to family members for a few hours from when she was very small. Those blissful coffees alone in town! I didn't feel happy to leave her overnight for the first year but other people obviously do and there's no right or wrong.

God! The people who are:
Well you can say no to weekly days with your very tiny baby as long as you NEVER ask for babysitting on your terms.

I hope to be a grandma in the next few years and won’t punish my daughter not wanting to be apart from her baby by spending the next 16 years grimly refusing any polite requests to babysit, requests which are just that, not demands.

No no no. Your baby, your choice. My MIL did the same pushing constantly to have baby on their own. My FIL did the same and when DS was 2 days old told me he wanted to take him for a walk on his own. NO.
if you’re not comfortable, “no sorry” is enough. You need to bond with your baby, others can build a bond whenever. Maybe she can come round once a week and you can have a nap/shower etc while she’s there but personally that would be the limit?!

If you don’t feel comfortable at the moment then remind her that no means no.

i have a similar set up with my MIL which started when DD was around 5/6 months old and she goes there one day a week from 9am until around 4pm and I do really enjoy the break to just have some me time. Maybe it’s something you’d be open to in the future x

@Mitzymarvel congrats on your first dc. Not a women obviously so don’t know what the bond is like and I know it’s different for everyone.

But it’s your baby your choice and in life we should always put ourselves first when we can.

But I understand some grandparents would like to be hands on but the balance has to be right. I’m sure in time you may want her to help with child care for multiple days or nights.

Just start with her taking her for walks a couple of times a week while you can have some time to yourself and build it up as and when your happy to do so.

Good luck with everything with a new baby and congrats

@WhatHoJeeves those alone time coffees give me life once a week 😂

Two months is too young. She doesn't have to take the baby at all if you are not comfortable for her to, but if you are comfortable for her to take them for a few hours it might give you a lovely rest and allow her some bonding time. You could even stay in the same house as your DC. You could use the time to do some yoga, have coffee with a friend or read ect, or just to sleep!

My DM was also pushing for more time with our DS when he was tiny. I just said I was really grateful and when he was older that was lovely, but for now I needed to be around to BF. I would often go there for the day and she would look after my DS for a couple of hours whilst I did some yoga or had a nap. Occassionally I would pop our for a couple of hours for lunch.

It was stressful at the start, when she basically expected me to hand over my tiny neenorn, but actaully worked out really well for me once I set boundaries, and now he is older I am very grateful that she takes him for a day a week to help with childcare.

Depends how you feel though and you should mot be bullied inot anything or feel you can't BF as much as you want to.

Only on MN is there this insane need for MIL to insist on taking a baby away from it's parents

just say no @Mitzymarvel and say that you aren't committing to anything set, but that you absolutely want your dd to have a wonderful and close relationship with all your family members so yes she will get her turn <tinkly laugh>

Most families muddle through but most families don't have one grandparent or parent making ridiculous demands. However nobody needs to start a thread to say "we agreed a mutually beneficial arrangement" - its only the "man bites dog" issues that result in a thread.

Here the OP is not happy with the demands and has stated that her DH just wants to go along with it for his own convenience rather than support her, so she has a problem to post.

Just say no, you don’t know when you’ll be ready for overnight visits and don’t want to commit to anything regular. She can see the baby when you’re there, she’s not a doll to have a turn with.

Ask your husband why he thinks his mum’s feelings are more important than yours.

Excellent post .

Your husband needs to grow up and man up. He sounds selfish and immature, putting his own feelings of discomfort ahead of the best interests of his wife and child.

It’s not your job as his wife to rescue him from any awkward bits of adulting.

I agree. It's perfectly possible to bond with your grandchild whilst their mother is present.

Those who are desperate for time alone with someone else's baby usually want to play mummy. I find it so odd.

Stick to your guns, OP!

Just push back firmly OP. Ask your DH to support your decision. You want to be able to bond with and breastfeed DD, but happy for MIL to visit.
I would suggest to MIL you will reconsider around 9 months (and then do daytime only if you feel comfortable). This gives a clear boundary and enough time not to have it in your background.
If you are putting DD in full time nursery from a year, 1/2 days building up in the months before are helpful as may be hard for her to transition otherwise, also good to settle her while you are easily available so she is settled and the return to work is not so stressful.

Also I think it's pretty shitty to have a new mum put in a position of anxiety and dread when she should just be enjoying her baby.

Really? I have 5 DC and the youngest any of them stayed overnight without parents was 3 years old.

I have 2 DGC whom I have had in the daytime at their parents direct request but would be saying no to overnights until they are considerably older.

@AncientQuercus

Do I know you?

YANBU at all. Your feelings as a mother - and your newborn daughter's need to be close to her mother - vastly outweigh your MIL wanting to play mummy again.

This! Maybe suggest 1 morning a week. Say 3 or 4 hours. Gives you a chance to go out and have a little time to yourself, get things done.

It's possible to have a bond with your GC without having them for full days/overnights.

Did she do this with your husband Op?

Also I'm confused by the "dad should have an equal say" argument.

When you're parenting, you both have to proactively AGREE on what you're doing. Nothing happens unless both parents agree. In situations like this, if the parents can't agree on doing XYZ then XYZ doesn't happen.

I'm from a family where gc, nephews and nieces all spend nights over in each other's homes and no one has ever insisted on a 2 month old baby being separated from their mother. It really isn't normal.

Mil needs to back off.