To not want MIL to take baby a set day each week

[Mitzymarvel]

DD is not even two months old yet and already MIL is pushing me to commit to a set day per week when she can take the baby.

Currently DD is mainly breastfed but I top her up with a bit of formula. MIL suggests she just has formula on the days she takes her, or I can try to pump enough breast milk.

I know she is keen to have a close relationship with her GD but I just don’t feel comfortable being apart from the baby for a whole day a week. MIL wants this to become an overnight visit as soon as possible but understands DD is too young at the moment.

I just want to say no to the whole thing (in fact even when DD is old enough I don’t want her to be elsewhere for an overnight every week) but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

I can hold her off for a little while but not long. What should I do?

Both my baby's grandparents dote on him and see him very frequently. You can see my son's face light up when they come over. They've never once asked to see him alone, because they love me too. Why wouldn't they want me there?

Is she the kind of person where you will trust her with DD when she's a bit older? If so then just say either - "when I'm close to going back to work we can start doing babysitting times to get her used to being away or in preparation for you having her a day each week if you want then, but it makes no sense yet as she's still breastfeeding and I want to spend my maternity leave with her"

Or if you're not going back to work "she's too young at the moment, did you actually send yours off with people for a whole day each week at this age?" If she says yes then just say "well it's not common, we'll sort something out at a more suitable age"

Or if she's not trustworthy then something along the lines of "thanks but we don't need a babysitter, I'd rather be with her but happy for you to come along for her (baby sensory class/swimming class/walk in the park) etc"

I have an 11 month old and I do like my breaks, but within reason and never more than 24 hours if she’s staying out overnight. My in laws have also wanted a close relationship with my baby and when I was feeling pressured to hand her over when she was much littler, I just said that I didn’t need her being looked after for a whole day atm and that more regular time with her would come when I was back at work. A couple of months before I went back, they started to take her a day a week and it did make the transition really easy because she knows them and they know her. She’s happy in their house with them and that’s the most important thing I felt I had to consider, but it didn’t happen until she and I had got to know each other when she was about 7 months old. I’d do the same again. The best place for a baby is with their mother for the first few months.

@Rutland2022
Out of interest, what is the reason why you haven't had anyone look after your DD for a full day or more in 3 years? (Unless it's SEND or breastfeeding related? Or that your family aren't close/live abroad.)

Exactly this. NO.

Your DH should be the one to ask her to stop asking but it looks like he’s putting his mother’s wants and feelings before yours. Remember you are baby’s mother and your feelings count more than MIL’s here.
Tell her you’re not ready for her to be away from you for so long, especially not overnight, she’s so very little and new. You’ll reconsider when she’s older but in the meantime…”Would,you,like to come over for a cuppa and a cuddle instead?

but DH feels in an awkward position as he doesn’t want to upset his mum, so says I should just go with it and enjoy having a break.

You need to make it quite clear to DH that it will be far worse upsetting you, than upsetting his mum, so that he backs you up on this.

It’s not ‘entitled’ as you put it. It’s about the best interests of the child. The baby is not there for the MIL to play at being mummy.

Totally agree with this. My DC have this relationship with all 4 GPs and they are so, so lucky.
I know it’s too soon for you OP, and you shouldn’t have any pressure. But don’t discount it for the future, if you otherwise like and trust your MIL.

MN is full of people who seem to want to cut off all other family then complain later that the GPs aren’t interested or they have no family support. Works both ways IMO.

You can’t leave a breastfed baby all day, your poor breasts will explode with milk. Just keep breastfeeding, as you have a perfect reason not to leave your baby.

In the meantime, work on figuring out how you can use your MIL’s offers to help. Long term you could be extremely grateful for her offering childcare but you are in charge and you get to decide, not her. Be strong, you are a grown up person and a mother. You mustn’t take any shit from anyone. 💐

Exactly. Why would you not want your child to bond with your family unless you’re NC?

@firstmummy2019 but the OP doesn't want time away / time off from her baby. Why should she have to!

Congratulations on your baby! You should be enjoying her without this odd pressure from MIL and your DH. Say a firm 'no' and tell them you'll let them know if your view changes so they don't need to keep asking. Maybe invite MIL over when your DM is also there. I have a funny feeling she'll be less pushy when she knows there's another mother there who will support you saying 'no'.

You can ‘hold her off’ for as long as you like! It’s totally unnecessary and I wouldn’t like it either. The more you give the more she’ll push. Just give a firm no, after you’ve had a firm and frank discussion with your husband, (who is your main problem, by the way) and give a united front. If it comes up again, just shut down the conversation with ‘don’t be silly, you know we’ve decided that’s not happening’ or better still, get your husband to do it. He really is the one you need to be dealing with, you need him to support you.

Urgh. Mil is just thinking about herself here, not dd and not you.

You're going to have to be straight with her: 'MIL, you've had your babies. This is my baby, and I don't want to be away from her. I don't want her staying overnight. I don't want you having her one day a week. I want to be with her.'

I was with you until here. Whilst I totally get your feelings, and you have every right to say no, you can't have it your way AND have "helpful" when it suits you and on your terms only. She is either your daughter, and that means all the time, or you are happy to have help in which case you need to compromise at some point even if not now. You don't get to say no, then in a year or so be back complaining grandma won't take the baby as much as you want and you need free childcare.

Boundaries. She is your child NOT your MILs. You need very firm boundaries. Do what YOU feel is right.

My ex MIL was similar, always pushing to have DD on her own. It ended with DD being stuffed with sweets, kept awake to the point of exhaustion, nearly catching hypothermia, and a nasty scratch on her face which scarred. Such grandparents only think about themselves, not what’s best for the child. Thank goodness they moved far far away.

All these people saying well one day OP will want MIL to babysit and will have burned those bridges … you do realise not everyone does want their MIL to babysit for various reasons. I’m not comfortable with my MIL having my baby without me or dh there, she has health issues and falls every couple of months or so and when dd was small I had constant intrusive thoughts of MIL dropping her , falling on her etc because DH was so so I voiced these to a friend who said it was not normal to be giving it so much headspace. MIL also can’t change a nappy without putting dd on the dining table and I literally had an anxiety dream about her rolling off once and MIL not telling me and DD being poorly because of it. I don’t voice my concerns to dh as he thinks I’m loopy. So when MIL offers to have dd alone which she is desperate for, I can’t bring my self to do it and have no intention of ever doing so - not everyone is desperate for childcare all the time and will be needing their in laws t provide it. We will pay for professional child care when necessary and have other relatives for the odd wedding or whatever who I am more than happy to leave dd with.
It’s clear who the MILs are on here and it’s also fair enough if someone needs the break and leaves their baby from a young age, I know someone who took their baby to their mums the first night out of hospital, baby stayed their for two nights whilst mum recovered at home 5 miles away! Not for me but in that family totally normal. But wish people would respect that what’s fine for one family isn’t for another.

Sorry should say ‘because dh was so dismissive of my fears I voiced them to a friend ’

Why would she want small baby overnight? She had her time and her own babies. Does she even think of your baby and her comfort? I bet she doesn't!

I said I have never needed my family to look after her, not anyone. I use childcare.

My side live 1.5hrs away, I see them about once a week but there’s never been an occasion where they have asked to have her own their own and neither have I. I like to see them WITH DD. I did BF to gone 2 but DD went to nursery from 13 months so that wasn’t a reason after about 12 months.

My family has an amazing bond with DD, they speak on video calls all the time as well as seeing them most weeks in person. But none of that requires time with her alone. I get precious little time with DD as I work, so the time I have is for me and DH.

MIL is abroad and is a bit of a twat but she still has a very good bind with DD from video contact (Covid severely limited visits), step MIL is local but as she chain smokes hell will freeze over before she sees DD in her house or without me as I don’t want her breathing that in. Fortunately she and FIL are not very interested so it’s never come up.

My mum once took my 4 month niece home with us, with my sister's blessing.

We brought her back within the hour because niece developed a slight temperature.

This was 20 years ago, when I was a late teen. I do wonder now if my sister was actually happy about that!

My mum never took one of her grandchildren home again for the night, but we did lots of babysitting and are very close.

And you absolutely get to say 'no' now and a different answer when baby is older. It's stupid that some posters are implying otherwise.
Childhood development shows exactly how much babies and children change as they grow. Their world expands accordingly. Only an idiot would suggest if a baby can't do something at two months, it can never do it. Same with whether you'd leave a baby with someone or not. You decide as a parent when and where your DC can go.
Fwiw we never let MIL babysit for a number of reasons. She still saw them and had a relationship with them. The point is, you decide what you think is best for your baby. They're not a plaything for other relatives no matter how well-meaning.

I would get her to come to you. When I had my kids my mum used to do one day a week at the start. She would come over, help with cleaning and clothes Washing etc, we would go to garden centre or to a baby class, of a cafe for lunch make a nice dinner. It was lovely. I felt very supported but didn’t miss out. If I fancied looking round shops for an hour by myself that was an option too.

id get her over to to that. Just act as a support.

OP I’m appalled at your partners attitude to this. He is basically saying his mother’s needs take priority over your feelings as a mother. I’d ask him to clarify that’s exactly what he’s saying! You may well find he backs down.

When my son was a baby he was never away from me for more than a couple of hours and even then he was with his dad!

If your MIL has a desperate need to mother a newborn baby girl on her own that’s her issue - not yours! If she had any sense she would be building bonds with both of you (e.g holding baby while you relax with a hot drink in the same room for example).