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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be gobsmacked by this

191 replies

Vodkaany1 · 10/10/2022 23:07

Was walking through our local town tonight and there was a man outside one of the local mini supermarkets who was homeless and asked if I could spare some money, I said sorry, no as I didn't have any cash on me as I rarely carry cash these days. He was stood by the cashpoint outside and said "Maybe you could draw some money out" Being I was on my own and aware of potential distraction theft (fairly large town with fairly high crime rate) I said no, I wasn't prepared to take any money out, so he asked if I could perhaps buy him some food from the mini supermarket and as I'm not completely heartless I said yes that's fine. Went in with him to pick some food and then he asked me if I would buy him a small can of alcohol with mixer - think JD & coke in a can type thing - and a scratch card!! I was utterly gob smacked and my response was to tell him he was taking the piss and I'd buy him some food and a non alcohol drink and that was it or he could have nothing. Honestly couldn't believe it! AIBU to be shocked by the sheer cfery of him? It's really put me off helping anyone else in future

OP posts:
phishy · 11/10/2022 10:23

MorrisZapp · 11/10/2022 08:55

This happened to me, it was horrible. Young man begging tearfully for a bottle of water outside tescos. I said, sure, I'll get you some water. Money, money he said. Need food. I'll get you food I said, and went into tescos. He came with me saying money, money. When he realised I wasn't going to give him cash, he scanned the prices of the meat and took the most expensive box of chicken, then grabbed more bits by looking at the prices.

I felt really intimidated but I just wanted it over with so I went up to the checkout with him, he basically threw the food down in anger. The guy at the till clearly recognised him.

I paid up and the guy grabbed the stuff and stormed out. I was shaking as I walked away, it was a horrible experience and I couldn't work out what had just happened.

I walked back the same way an hour later and another guy was there with him, going through his takings and shouting angrily at him.

Clearly it was a script and the guy gives the money to a higher up guy. I don't make eye contact with them now.

I rarely give money to the homeless now, mostly due to similar things like above.

I do give to charity in the UK and I also have relatives in developing countries who are able to help people directly. I know charity begins at home, but giving money directly in the hands of people working to build lives for themselves for them and their children removes some of the unease about how my donations are being spent. It actually makes you give more because of that certainty that money is going to people who are using it to build/repair their home, pay school fees and put food on the table.

bingbummy · 11/10/2022 10:32

As a rule of thumb, if I walk into a shop and have spare money, as in I have a surplus that month after my essentials and luxuries, and there is someone outside the shop sitting for handouts, I pick up a sandwich and drink, possibly a meal deal with a chocolate bar, and just hand it to the person on my way out saying very little except 'there you go' and possibly 'you're welcome' and then I just get on with my life.

dworky · 11/10/2022 11:17

So because an addict tried to get his alcohol fix, you won't help any homeless person?

phishy · 11/10/2022 11:30

bingbummy · 11/10/2022 10:32

As a rule of thumb, if I walk into a shop and have spare money, as in I have a surplus that month after my essentials and luxuries, and there is someone outside the shop sitting for handouts, I pick up a sandwich and drink, possibly a meal deal with a chocolate bar, and just hand it to the person on my way out saying very little except 'there you go' and possibly 'you're welcome' and then I just get on with my life.

How do you know if they want a sandwich though?

JockTamsonsBairns · 11/10/2022 11:51

Iwanttoholdyourham · 11/10/2022 05:51

Not you, @Vodkaany1 , but @Wdib78 's comment on mobile phones is ridiculous.

Most people in the UK weren't born homeless, but fell into rough sleeping after their lives blew up. Often it's a breakdown with family, job loss and/or addiction. There are plenty of nice middle class men for example, who get divorced, can't afford to live on their own, and don't get treated as priority by the council because they're single men and supposed to take care of themselves, and they end up on the streets.

Women with kids struggle to get council accommodation as it is, because we have a shortage of housing stock. What do you think happens to all those men who don't get council housing? I can tell you, they don't magically find somewhere else to live.

Once you're on the streets, it becomes very difficult to get yourself off the streets. And some people end up with such poor mental ill health that they struggle to live inside again, given the choice. I've volunteered in shelters before where people have come in for practical support like food and showers, then slept back outside because they're so accustomed to the noise of the city. Fixing homelessness isn't always as simple as giving everyone somewhere to stay.

If you had a handset before you were sleeping rough, why wouldn't you cling on it when you were on the streets? It's hard enough not having a fixed address - can you imagine not being contactable by mobile and email either? If you don't have a phone, you can acquire one via a homeless charity. Getting people off the streets is the ultimate goal. There are lots of hoops to jump through in the meantime, and charities will try their best to provide support in that period, and that can include giving a PAYG handset to a rough sleeper and helping to keep it topped up so they can stay connected.

Depends on the location, but where I am, you can charge your phone on the bus (riding public transport is always a great way of staying warm and safe, and relatively cheap, so that's a bonus) or in shopping centres (again, nice and warm inside, and unlikely to be attacked given the number of people and cameras around).

When it comes to giving money or things to homeless people - sure, some do take the mick. Some aren't even genuine, and are just con artists. It can be difficult to read if the person in front of you is 'real' or not, if you don't have a lot of experience in speaking to rough sleepers. Some people just try their luck. Some are gang members and/or trafficked victims, forced to beg for what they can get. Although many people on the streets are genuine, there are unfortunately some people who take advantage of that by mimicking them and playing on your heartstrings.

If you are prepared to buy something for someone, remember, dignity is important. If you buy a bunch of food and drink and give to a homeless person, they might not be able to eat it. Anyone can be homeless. That can include vegetarians, for example, who would rather be hungry than eat meat. You can still be religious on the streets. You can still have allergies. You can still have a set of values that you refuse to compromise.

Not everyone has a substance abuse problem. But for those who do, it can mess with their tastebuds. A hot drink, for example, might need no sugar in it, or it might need 10 sugars in it to be palatable. If you tell people what you are prepared to do - e.g. offer them a hot drink and/or a sandwich - it's the kind thing to honour the choice within that boundary.

You're not wrong to refuse to do things outside your limits. If you're prepared to buy a soft drink but not a can of beer, you're OK to repeat you can't buy the beer, but they can have whatever soft drink they like. It's not CFery of them to see what they can get (you stopped to talk, how many other people did?) but it's also not wrong of you to reinforce that your kindness has boundaries.

If you're the type of person who ends up followed around a supermarket by a homeless person hoping you'll buy very specific things, I'd suggest you shouldn't be engaging. The last thing you want is to make a homeless person reliant on you, so every time they see you in the streets, they ask you for something you can't give them. Some people with very kind intentions do sometimes inadvertently put themselves at risk, because they find boundaries very difficult when they feel so guilty about being better off.

If you find these conversations too hard to manage, honestly, this isn't a fob off - the best way to support people on the streets is to make sure homeless charities know about them, so they can deliver the practical support instead, with experienced volunteers and staff having those interactions. You can, for example, flag a rough sleeper to Street Link here: www.streetlink.org.uk Give them as much information as you can, and they'll make sure an outreach worker checks up on them.

You can also donate money to homeless charities like Street Link, Shelter and Crisis. Or volunteer your time with one of them. Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to make sure someone with a different skillset to you takes the lead - and you support that person instead, whether financially or with time.

@Vodkaany1 , I'm sorry this interaction has left you feeling unsure if you did the right thing, and uncertain about how to handle yourself next time. But you know you meant well, so take comfort in your instincts for kindness, and don't feel obliged to stop next time if it doesn't feel right. Instead, report the location to Street Link and bob the charity the few quid you'd have been prepared to spend on a sandwich. You can feel more certain you've helped that way, without wondering if you've helped a genuine person, and without feeling personally unsafe.

What a fabulous post. Thank you ❤️

Calandor · 11/10/2022 12:15

Homeless people are often bought 5/6 meals a day by people. They actually want the booze/ scratch card and sometimes cigarettes.

I know it's awkward and feels wrong and I find some requests cheeky (£20 for example is a chunk of people's food shop for their families).

But tbh I'd have just got him them

Cantbebotheredwithchores · 11/10/2022 12:30

Sorry your getting a hard time OP. People love to let their mouths go when they're not there in that situation.
You said you were in a large city with a high crime rate. If a random man approached me, asked me to take money out etc I wouldn't have been walking around a shop with him. I would feel vulnerable!
We have a few local homeless charities and 'soup kitchens' around our town and I donate to them. I do ask if they want any food when I'm in the shop and I will bring some out but that's it.

xiaoxo · 11/10/2022 13:51

phishy · 11/10/2022 11:30

How do you know if they want a sandwich though?

ffs, you get shot down for ignoring them, and shot down for giving them food/sandwiches. you can’t win Confused

phishy · 11/10/2022 13:53

I'm saying if you're getting a sandwich, ask if they want it first. They may not like chicken, ham, salmon etc. I'm all for getting the sandwich if they want it.

limitedperiodonly · 11/10/2022 22:09

Oh please everyone. I really wanted to start a thread about how nice I am and someone was really horrid to me when I am really nice and bought them a sandwich and now I will never be nice to anyone again and I am gobsmacked and in bits. So please be nice to me. The end

mauveskies · 11/10/2022 22:25

So many spiteful saints on this thread.

Hmmm, I'm on MN, who should I throw my support to? The upset woman who was intimidated by a man who demanded she feed his addictions, or the man who intimidated her?

"Oh, I always ask what sandwich filling they want/Buy them as much alcohol as they ask for/it is only kind to support gambling/I have real and very considerate feelings for aggressive intimidating homeless addict males on the make, do try harder to be like me, OP..."

Pixiedust1234 · 11/10/2022 22:32

I'm pretty sure Shelter says don't give direct, give it to the homeless charities who can help more. Its been repeatedly said in the main news for years now.

limitedperiodonly · 12/10/2022 00:13

I gave someone some pocket change tonight and apologised for not giving him a quid. He thanked me. I'm sobering up now and beginning to think he'd rented that dog

Newcatbrowntail · 12/10/2022 00:20

To be honest there’s a lot of people who wind down from a stressful day with a drink, I don’t see why he would be any different. If I give a beggar cash I don’t begrudge them spending it on booze, it’s what I do, I just have it in a nice glass with food.

Newcatbrowntail · 12/10/2022 00:21

I also only give to women now, they’re the ones who are really vulnerable, and end up giving blowjobs in allies to buy a bed for the night and something to numb the pain.

sst1234 · 12/10/2022 00:30

LumpyandBumps · 11/10/2022 08:25

This thread is quite interesting in terms of voting.
Most comments indicate that OP is being unreasonable, whereas the poll shows a silent majority of voters think she is not unreasonable.
(28/72 at present)

It’s always the case that that the those who scream the loudest drown out the majority. The loudest screamers also tend to believe in their own moral superiority.

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