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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be gobsmacked by this

191 replies

Vodkaany1 · 10/10/2022 23:07

Was walking through our local town tonight and there was a man outside one of the local mini supermarkets who was homeless and asked if I could spare some money, I said sorry, no as I didn't have any cash on me as I rarely carry cash these days. He was stood by the cashpoint outside and said "Maybe you could draw some money out" Being I was on my own and aware of potential distraction theft (fairly large town with fairly high crime rate) I said no, I wasn't prepared to take any money out, so he asked if I could perhaps buy him some food from the mini supermarket and as I'm not completely heartless I said yes that's fine. Went in with him to pick some food and then he asked me if I would buy him a small can of alcohol with mixer - think JD & coke in a can type thing - and a scratch card!! I was utterly gob smacked and my response was to tell him he was taking the piss and I'd buy him some food and a non alcohol drink and that was it or he could have nothing. Honestly couldn't believe it! AIBU to be shocked by the sheer cfery of him? It's really put me off helping anyone else in future

OP posts:
Redfrangipani · 11/10/2022 05:57

NightsByTheLake · 11/10/2022 00:15

And with the number of people carrying cash now being much lower, asking you to take money out your bank isn’t really as shocking as you think it is. Years ago lots of people would have given them the change in their pocket, now most people won’t have any. ‘Even’ homeless people have to move with the times to survive. Try to be less judgemental.

Really good point. I never have cash in my pocket anymore.

Yet Another problem/obstacle homeless people face.

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 11/10/2022 06:01

Oh I HATE people with attitudes like yours. So what if he wanted a bloody mixed drink - it’s not like he was asking you to buy him a bag of heroin or a litre of vodka? That food and drink was probably the only comfort he got that day - if I was homeless I’d want a drink too! And even if you wouldn’t, who are you to judge? It wasn’t much more expensive than a non alcoholic drink. And how much is a scratch card - £1? £1 to give the poor guy some hope at a desperate time? You were cruel and judgemental and unkind.

Fimofriend · 11/10/2022 06:09

Hilarious that so many posters are accusing OP of being judgemental while being judgemental of OP because she wouldn't just give him whatever he asked for.

I am sure booze and drugs makes it easier for someone to forget they are homeless but it also makes them more likely to be unpleasant or downright dangerous to innocent passers-by.

Luckily, where I live the local council makes a huge effort to keep people from becoming homeless. Usually politicians react if they get more than 300 letters about a subject so if just some of you would write to your local councils and ask them to ensure that places are opened to keep the homeless safe or at least during the cold months it would really help.

Beeinalily · 11/10/2022 06:10

OP you were kind. I wonder if the sanctimonious lot on here actually ever do anything for anyone, or if they just sit in judgment.

RudsyFarmer · 11/10/2022 06:11

Good deeds never go unpunished which is why most people walk past homeless people and ignore the begging.

tranquiltortoise · 11/10/2022 06:21

No, you should not be gobsmacked by it.

How a homeless person behaves is not something to be shocked by, they are in various complicated and difficult situations and are often desperate.

If you don't want to interact then you shouldn't have engaged with him. It's ridiculous to judge his actions/ behaviour.

Give a monthly donation to a local charity that supports homeless people.

Iwanttoholdyourham · 11/10/2022 06:25

Mummysharkdoodoodoodoodoodoo · 11/10/2022 06:01

Oh I HATE people with attitudes like yours. So what if he wanted a bloody mixed drink - it’s not like he was asking you to buy him a bag of heroin or a litre of vodka? That food and drink was probably the only comfort he got that day - if I was homeless I’d want a drink too! And even if you wouldn’t, who are you to judge? It wasn’t much more expensive than a non alcoholic drink. And how much is a scratch card - £1? £1 to give the poor guy some hope at a desperate time? You were cruel and judgemental and unkind.

@Vodkaany1 has stated that they have experienced alcoholism within their own family. A lot of people who haven't seen alcoholism or other addictions up close don't realise how devastating this can be. The UK minimises heavy drinking as normal culture, and this can be hellish for anyone trying to protect a loved one with a genuine drinking problem.

I don't think the OP is coming at this from a place of judgement, more a lack of knowledge about the issues facing homelessness, and a lot of personal lived experience of feeling helpless whilst a loved one drinks themselves to death, whilst those around minimise the problem.

The OP tried to help, it didn't go they way they expected. They've tried to help people dear to them before and it hasn't gone the way they hoped either. You can understand questioning the interaction, and wondering what they could have/should have done differently to get a better outcome.

As a lone person (I haven't assumed the OP is female, but the odds on this site are the OP is a woman), the request to take cash out would have immediately made them feel vulnerable, and that would have informed the rest of their interactions. When you don't feel safe yourself, you act on adrenaline and you're not entirely sure if you made the most logical decisions, because you weren't your usual self at the time; you were yourself on high alert.

The OP had the kindness to actually stop. A lot of people don't.

People are allowed to put boundaries around their kindness. In fact, I'd encourage it. If you have to do everything or nothing, most people will opt for nothing. When people are allowed to determine the level of support they give to strangers, they're more likely to do so, and the world is a less shitty place.

You might not be able to afford to or want to give £100k to Crisis. You might have the resources to stick 50p in a charity tin. Just because you can't do the big gesture doesn't mean you should skip the smaller gesture for not being as good. You do what you can, and what feels right to you. When you're kind within your own boundaries, you don't feel taken advantage of, and you are able to later repeat that kindness, because it feels safe.

Small, kind gestures all add up. Don't ignore their cumulative effect.

And I don't think it's kind to judge the OP, who tried their best. I hope they'll take on board my previous comments on Street Link, and learn from this encounter. Not because I think they're an awful person, but because I think the way they helped didn't make them feel safe, and when you're being kind, you deserve to feel safe. That's not something you should have to give up when helping.

tranquiltortoise · 11/10/2022 06:26

There are two options when walking past a homeless person the way I see it:

  1. You engage with a homeless person and you accept however they are, e.g. if you give them money you accept that they may spend it on booze or drugs and that is their choice as an adult. Once you give it to them, it's theirs.

  2. You just don't engage, and/ or you donate to a charity instead.

There is literally no point in worrying about what they are spending money on or what they are doing with their evenings etc. - that's patronising and is like taking away their autonomy as adults. If they want to drink/ get stoned that's up to them and god knows they have more reasons to want that escape than most of us.

If you don't want money to be spent on those things, you give it to a charity.

lannistunut · 11/10/2022 06:37

2ManyPjs · 11/10/2022 00:03

This.

What I'm gobsmacked at is that someone would go our their way to start a thread like this to judge some poor soul who's basically got fuck all.

I agree. Nasty thread, just designed to stir up anti-begging vitriol.

MrsMaxDeWinter · 11/10/2022 06:42

OP, I must say I laughed at this story because it is funny. You did a kind thing and got an amusing story out of it. I am not sure it is so gobsmacking that a homeless person who may not have talked to anyone that day thought he would try his luck. I would simply have laughed, told him he was cheeky, and moved on.
One of the things that homeless people say is that they often feel invisible and unseen. So it's really nice that you took a bit time to do him a small kindness.Think no more of it.

Darbs76 · 11/10/2022 06:48

Some of the responses on here. Honestly why are do people suddenly become so judgmental and critical when hiding before a screen?

Anyway yes you’re not unreasonable to be shocked when he asked for the scratch card and alcoholic drink. And you’re definitely not unreasonable to not get them for him. I guess he has nothing to lose by asking

Bestcatmum · 11/10/2022 07:11

In the past I have been in a desperate situation with mental health where all I wanted to do was deaden the pain with alcohol or prescription drugs anyway I could. Don't judge.

dirtyasadustpanlid · 11/10/2022 07:22

I have often bought booze for a homeless person rightly or wrongly. Whatever gets you through the night. My father was a raging alcoholic and my childhood was pretty grim because of it. In my eyes a couple of cans would be a hell of a lot more welcome that. Tesco Sandwich especially when you are in the throes of addiction, of you don’t have to hussle anymore that night and it gives you some peace, well good. One small thing I can do then. Half of you will go home and crack open your nightly bottle of wine, but you have a home and the money to buy it. He asked for what he needed and that’s ok, you refused to buy it for him and that’s ok but don’t come on a judge a man for asking. You don’t ask, you don’t get and had he asked me, I would have given it and others too so it’s always worth the ask. For me, understanding alcoholism as I do from my childhood just makes me more aware and compassionate.

Sunnyqueen · 11/10/2022 07:24

I'd have got him them. I'd want a bloody drink if I was sleeping on the streets and it's only a weak can with mixer not a bottle of Glen's! And the scratchcard he might as well try his luck it's a pound of someone else's money that he could win more off.

Sunnyqueen · 11/10/2022 07:27

Oh and fwiw I have lost close relatives to alcoholism and still have other close relatives in the throes of it.

Softplayhooray · 11/10/2022 07:28

AmadeusBreathingWater · 10/10/2022 23:18

you’re right, he should have kissed your feet for offering to buy him a sandwich

🙄

I mean, the guy is homeless, sounds like his life has gone to compete shit and he's still ballsy enough to try his luck which is at least a positive. I'd be drinking too (or trying to) if I was destitute and homeless.

Was there piss taking? Yes. I can kind of understand it though.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/10/2022 07:29

Vodkaany1 · 10/10/2022 23:24

It wasn't the cost of it that bothered me and maybe CF isn't the right phrase, I was just shocked when he'd asked for food and then added on the other things, especially after asking me to draw money out of the cashpoint. I think he said something along the lines of "maybe you could take £20 out". I wouldn't support buying alcohol and I'm wary of giving money if I suspect there maybe an alcohol/substance abuse problem. While I understand there maybe a "need" for some escapism if living on the streets, it feels wrong to enable it.

You sound incredibly naive and priggish op.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/10/2022 07:30

I wonder what the op would’ve done if she’d bought the scratch card and he’d won big?

Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 07:33

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 11/10/2022 02:27

You offered not having cash up as an excuse - he took that to mean that if you had cash on you, you would give him some, so he offered a solution to the problem. If you just didn't want to give him money, you could've just said 'no'.

I've already explained why I wasn't happy to take money out of the cash point. It wasn't that I didn't want to give him money - I was a lone female at night in a town that has a high volume of distraction thefts. I wasn't going to take my purse out of my handbag when there was barely anyone to help if it turned out to be a that case

OP posts:
Softplayhooray · 11/10/2022 07:39

I do find it weird that anyone says buying a weak can of mixed alcohol for the guy encourages alcohol abuse.

As adults, probably most of us know someone already who has suffered from alcoholism or binge drinking or drugs or whatever, but when is the last time your mate asked you to buy them a weakly mixed alcoholic drink down the pub and you said no because I don't want to encourage you to have an alcohol abuse problem?

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 11/10/2022 07:40

Jesus I'd have bought him a scratchcard! For Christ sake he's homeless!
He's not a CF.
Give the guy a bit of respect and let him have some autonomy. He doesn't have the means to have anything he likes, imagine never being able to choose for yourself and always being given only what other people deign to give away/pre-approve for you. I'd have had a chat about the alcohol but even that was a mixed drink in a can not a 3L bottle!
You'd give a toddler more say in what they were given than that.
Honestly I'm gobsmacked that you were so outraged about an adult in a shitty situation asking for some small comforts that you've posted about it online!

Riverlee · 11/10/2022 07:43

I would be gobsmacked as well, and would only buy food, not alcohol or a scratch card.

SleeplessInEngland · 11/10/2022 07:43

I saw a documentary on the homeless and they hate being constantly given sandwiches. It sounds so counterintuitive and you weren’t wrong to offer but I can understand when living on the streets all you really want is a moment of escapism.

MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds · 11/10/2022 07:44

Escapism from a can of JD and coke 😂

What puritanical nonsense

sst1234 · 11/10/2022 07:45

This is MN OP. Some batshit posters will tell you that you are devoid of any mouthy unless you buy him some crack and a joint too.

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