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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be gobsmacked by this

191 replies

Vodkaany1 · 10/10/2022 23:07

Was walking through our local town tonight and there was a man outside one of the local mini supermarkets who was homeless and asked if I could spare some money, I said sorry, no as I didn't have any cash on me as I rarely carry cash these days. He was stood by the cashpoint outside and said "Maybe you could draw some money out" Being I was on my own and aware of potential distraction theft (fairly large town with fairly high crime rate) I said no, I wasn't prepared to take any money out, so he asked if I could perhaps buy him some food from the mini supermarket and as I'm not completely heartless I said yes that's fine. Went in with him to pick some food and then he asked me if I would buy him a small can of alcohol with mixer - think JD & coke in a can type thing - and a scratch card!! I was utterly gob smacked and my response was to tell him he was taking the piss and I'd buy him some food and a non alcohol drink and that was it or he could have nothing. Honestly couldn't believe it! AIBU to be shocked by the sheer cfery of him? It's really put me off helping anyone else in future

OP posts:
CheezePleeze · 11/10/2022 00:00

Oh come on OP

Assuming you're a grown adult you couldn't seriously be 'gobsmacked' that a homeless person asked you for an alcoholic drink.

Fine to say no if you didn't want to buy it, but to take to the internet with your fake outrage makes you look like a bit of a tit.

PurplRainDancer · 11/10/2022 00:00

AmadeusBreathingWater · 10/10/2022 23:18

you’re right, he should have kissed your feet for offering to buy him a sandwich

🙄

Give over

Feelingconfused2020 · 11/10/2022 00:01

I've put YANBU to be shocked but I get why you are annoyed. Unfortunately being homeless is pretty desperate and I can see why alcohol and the prospect of winning something might be appealing to him. I would have said no like you did but understand.

Feelingconfused2020 · 11/10/2022 00:02

I mean YABU to be shocked but not to being annoyed.

Original poster
Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 00:03

Can I just point out for those having a go that it's just a drink/scratchcard - I probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid had he not already asked me to take money out of my bank when I said I had no cash on me. It's not just the things he asked for in the shop, he actually asked me to withdraw money from the ATM!

OP posts:
AloysiusBear · 11/10/2022 00:03

Contrary to whats in the media, we do have the rudiments of a social safety net in the uk and as a result rough sleeping is actually rare and largely limited to individuals with substance abuse and severe mental health issues. I think many of those people are well past comprehending the significance of a CF and its unlikely they give a shit.

2ManyPjs · 11/10/2022 00:03

VeridicalVagabond · 10/10/2022 23:48

He's got no fucking house. He asked for a can and a scratch card, not a bungalow in the Cotswolds. Not as if he's got much to loose by asking.

This.

What I'm gobsmacked at is that someone would go our their way to start a thread like this to judge some poor soul who's basically got fuck all.

CheezePleeze · 11/10/2022 00:04

I won't buy alcohol for anyone on the streets (as much as I understand the need/want to escape for reality for a little while) as I won't enable alcoholism

You can't 'enable' alcoholism ffs. He's either an alcoholic or he isn't.

And even if he isn't, the poor fucker probably wanted to take the edge off the bloody cold weather and the fact he doesn't have a warm bed to sleep in.

Fine if you don't want to buy it, but stop being such a judgemental prick about it.

Original poster
Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 00:08

CheezePleeze · 11/10/2022 00:00

Oh come on OP

Assuming you're a grown adult you couldn't seriously be 'gobsmacked' that a homeless person asked you for an alcoholic drink.

Fine to say no if you didn't want to buy it, but to take to the internet with your fake outrage makes you look like a bit of a tit.

Not gobsmacked so much that he asked for the drink but that he asked me to take money out of the cashpoint when I said I had no money on me. When I said no to that is when he asked for the food and then the other bits.

OP posts:
2ManyPjs · 11/10/2022 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

mibbelucieachwell · 11/10/2022 00:10

DS (in London) had a lovely Flatmate who is super nice and very gentle. Once he was asked for money by someone on the street. When he said he didn't have anything on him he asked if he could walk back with him to his flat to get his bank card then walk with him to the nearest cash point to withdraw cash.

NightsByTheLake · 11/10/2022 00:11

Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 00:03

Can I just point out for those having a go that it's just a drink/scratchcard - I probably wouldn't have batted an eyelid had he not already asked me to take money out of my bank when I said I had no cash on me. It's not just the things he asked for in the shop, he actually asked me to withdraw money from the ATM!

Seriously OP, get a grip. He’s not really in the society that we all are day to day, with all the norms of politeness and please and thank yous and normal etiquette . His world is a very different one. If you choose to help, you don’t have to buy what he asks for, but it’s really shit to judge someone in that position. You’re in a different world to him, your norms don’t really apply.

NightsByTheLake · 11/10/2022 00:15

And with the number of people carrying cash now being much lower, asking you to take money out your bank isn’t really as shocking as you think it is. Years ago lots of people would have given them the change in their pocket, now most people won’t have any. ‘Even’ homeless people have to move with the times to survive. Try to be less judgemental.

Original poster
Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 00:18

CheezePleeze · 11/10/2022 00:04

I won't buy alcohol for anyone on the streets (as much as I understand the need/want to escape for reality for a little while) as I won't enable alcoholism

You can't 'enable' alcoholism ffs. He's either an alcoholic or he isn't.

And even if he isn't, the poor fucker probably wanted to take the edge off the bloody cold weather and the fact he doesn't have a warm bed to sleep in.

Fine if you don't want to buy it, but stop being such a judgemental prick about it.

I'm far from a judgemental prick, unlike some. Of course you can enable someone with an alcohol problem. Have you ever seen someone you love die because people bought them alcohol against all of the medical advise? I have so please don't tell me what I do or don't know

OP posts:
roestbruin · 11/10/2022 00:21

I had something similar happened and said no just food and a hot drink. Afterward I felt rather dicky, walking to my car to go to my nice dry warm house, so went back to the shop to get what he wanted and gave it to him. I'm not the beverage police and I it helps him who am I to judge.

happy66 · 11/10/2022 00:22

I think people are being a bit harsh to the OP here. But OP was naive to post on here and expect anything other than what she’s got. Tell the story to a friend or family OP. Not MN.

Mamai90 · 11/10/2022 00:22

It was cheeky but unless you've experienced addiction you've no idea of the sheer desperation people feel. I would have bought him the alcoholic drink but of course you were totally within your rights to tell him to do one.

Most homeless people are struggling with some form of addiction. Some people for this reason don't like to give money as they feel its feeding the addiction but I have no issue with that as I know they'd get it from somewhere anyway.

Original poster
Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 00:22

NightsByTheLake · 11/10/2022 00:15

And with the number of people carrying cash now being much lower, asking you to take money out your bank isn’t really as shocking as you think it is. Years ago lots of people would have given them the change in their pocket, now most people won’t have any. ‘Even’ homeless people have to move with the times to survive. Try to be less judgemental.

Honestly not being judgemental, it just shocked me as not had someone ask me to withdraw money before. Normally if they ask and I say I have no money, they say ok thanks anyway and don't ask further. As I said in my OP, we're in a relatively high crime area with lots of distraction thefts so it also made me wary as I was on my own and hardly anyone else around.

OP posts:
Solonge · 11/10/2022 00:23

Vodkaany1 · 10/10/2022 23:07

Was walking through our local town tonight and there was a man outside one of the local mini supermarkets who was homeless and asked if I could spare some money, I said sorry, no as I didn't have any cash on me as I rarely carry cash these days. He was stood by the cashpoint outside and said "Maybe you could draw some money out" Being I was on my own and aware of potential distraction theft (fairly large town with fairly high crime rate) I said no, I wasn't prepared to take any money out, so he asked if I could perhaps buy him some food from the mini supermarket and as I'm not completely heartless I said yes that's fine. Went in with him to pick some food and then he asked me if I would buy him a small can of alcohol with mixer - think JD & coke in a can type thing - and a scratch card!! I was utterly gob smacked and my response was to tell him he was taking the piss and I'd buy him some food and a non alcohol drink and that was it or he could have nothing. Honestly couldn't believe it! AIBU to be shocked by the sheer cfery of him? It's really put me off helping anyone else in future

I am always surprised at the nannying refusal to buy alcohol. Do you drink alcohol? most people do. Why should someone on the streets, who lets face it is probably going to freeze to death soon, be denied something that makes his life more pleasant? I worked in a wet homeless hostel....wet meaning they could check in their booze. Thus we had a lot more people wishing to live in our hostel than the Sally Army hostels which are strictly dry! Ive never understood the Victorian attitude we have towards people unfortunate enough to be homeless....you may have a £2.80 coffee but Im not letting you have a £1.75 can of beer. I do carry cash....and am lucky to be comfortable enough to not miss a few quid here and there, so I tend to give cash so they can buy what they want.

BadNomad · 11/10/2022 00:24

I doubt you refusing to buy him a shitty can of alcohol improved his life in any way. You just showed yourself to be judgmental.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/10/2022 00:25

Don’t ask, don’t get. Poor bugger had nothing to lose.

It was very kind of you to go in with him, though. Would like to say I’d have done the same but tbh I’m not sure I would have.

roestbruin · 11/10/2022 00:29

@Vodkaany1 (hang on your name is @Vodkaany1 ??😂) Not piling on you at all but imagine the level of desperation to get to the point when you ask random people for money or to buy you stuff.

Original poster
Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 00:29

happy66 · 11/10/2022 00:22

I think people are being a bit harsh to the OP here. But OP was naive to post on here and expect anything other than what she’s got. Tell the story to a friend or family OP. Not MN.

Thank you. I wasn't judging him, despite what people may think. I've just not had someone ask for these kind of extras when they've asked me for food so was shocked and thought it was a bit cheeky

OP posts:
NightsByTheLake · 11/10/2022 00:31

Vodkaany1 · 11/10/2022 00:22

Honestly not being judgemental, it just shocked me as not had someone ask me to withdraw money before. Normally if they ask and I say I have no money, they say ok thanks anyway and don't ask further. As I said in my OP, we're in a relatively high crime area with lots of distraction thefts so it also made me wary as I was on my own and hardly anyone else around.

Show quote history

It sounds like your eyes have just been opened then OP. It’s common for homeless people to ask you if you would withdraw money, a consequence of us seemingly heading towards a cashless society.

Life’s pretty shitty for people on the streets, they can buy alcohol and drugs, our government are happy to take the tax on alcohol and don’t do enough to stop drugs. Then when our most vulnerable people inevitably get hooked on them there’s very little help.

Solonge · 11/10/2022 00:32

AloysiusBear · 11/10/2022 00:03

Contrary to whats in the media, we do have the rudiments of a social safety net in the uk and as a result rough sleeping is actually rare and largely limited to individuals with substance abuse and severe mental health issues. I think many of those people are well past comprehending the significance of a CF and its unlikely they give a shit.

Im fascinated by your reply.....which part of the UK do you live in????? I live in the home counties....nice comfortably off market town near a canal. We have a wet homeless shelter that takes around 40 people. Every night of the week its oversubscribed by half as much again....and would be more but for the regulars who know that it only houses those who have a connection to the area

When they do a yearly government count...they do it over the course of a few hours. They do the main street running through the town but go no where near the canal, where there are tents and rough sleepers galore.

So the numbers are never correct. Dont believe all the hype about a safety net....Ive had people crying to be let in the hostel and we have had extras in the sitting rooms and dining rooms when its really freezing but its illegal to have more than the numbers you are registered for....but the numbers of homeless have exploded and with the present cost of living crisis they will explode again. There are more homeless people now than there have ever been, and the numbers continue to grow and this government couldnt care less.

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