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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner viewing webcam girls

175 replies

Pinklemons9 · 10/10/2022 10:45

Last night I found out my partner of 1.5 years watches webcam girls. I have never been comfortable with porn but this is just on another level for me. He said he uses them once a week (we see each other 5 nights a week now, was 3 until recently). They are free and he said he doesn’t chat to them. I think I believe this. I know he loves me and he’d do anything for me. He said he won’t do it again but I feel he’s crossed a line. AIBU?

OP posts:
bettyfretty · 10/10/2022 10:54

Nope I wouldn't like that either. I also wouldn't believe that he doesn't talk to them either....but that's just me. Watching porn is one thing but this is another level for me. I don't think I'd be able to trust him going forward.

mamabear715 · 10/10/2022 10:54

Yuck.

Hiimblahblah · 10/10/2022 10:55

It’s very difficult to say if YABU because it’s very personal to you. If I found out my partner was doing this I don’t think I would be annoyed, as long as he wasn’t interacting with them, but you and I are different people!

Have you told him he’s crossed a line and it makes you very uncomfortable?

Original poster
Pinklemons9 · 10/10/2022 11:02

Yeah I have told him it’s border line cheating to me. It’s too interactive and way more personal than porn. I feel sick. I’m disgusted at him. I don’t think I’ll be able to see him in the same way again. I’m 99% sure he didn’t chat because I saw his phone history. If he did then I would end the relationship without a second thought, I kind wish he did tbh then it wouldn’t be so difficult. I already felt shit about myself. Now I feel like I’m not even good enough for my own boyfriend. He’s my best friend. I don’t have many friends so losing him will leave a massive gap.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklemons9 · 10/10/2022 11:04

Would it be reasonable to end it over this? I just can’t see a way forward right now.

OP posts:
SarahSissions · 10/10/2022 11:13

He’s a pig. I think you are on very different pages

TurmericFan · 10/10/2022 11:14

[Single] man here. I became addicted to this myself in lockdown.

If he is watching the free ones, the popular women have anything from 200 to 7500 other people watching at the same time. He is just part of an anonymous audience. How it works is a small minority of the audience will be continuously giving tips (anything from £1 to £100) to keep the show going. Most shows are explicit but not all of them! Some very popular free ones are dancing and strip-tease.

So it is absolutely believable that he has had zero interaction with the women. He is just another number in the audience, he wouldn't be able to get their attention anyway.

Why he's doing it and whether it matters, is another question.

bettyfretty · 10/10/2022 11:16

Pinklemons9 · 10/10/2022 11:02

Yeah I have told him it’s border line cheating to me. It’s too interactive and way more personal than porn. I feel sick. I’m disgusted at him. I don’t think I’ll be able to see him in the same way again. I’m 99% sure he didn’t chat because I saw his phone history. If he did then I would end the relationship without a second thought, I kind wish he did tbh then it wouldn’t be so difficult. I already felt shit about myself. Now I feel like I’m not even good enough for my own boyfriend. He’s my best friend. I don’t have many friends so losing him will leave a massive gap.

Whatever you decide is up to you. However please don't think this is anything to do with you. I can guarantee he will do this wether single or in any relationship with anyone. You are not the issue.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:17

TurmericFan · 10/10/2022 11:14

[Single] man here. I became addicted to this myself in lockdown.

If he is watching the free ones, the popular women have anything from 200 to 7500 other people watching at the same time. He is just part of an anonymous audience. How it works is a small minority of the audience will be continuously giving tips (anything from £1 to £100) to keep the show going. Most shows are explicit but not all of them! Some very popular free ones are dancing and strip-tease.

So it is absolutely believable that he has had zero interaction with the women. He is just another number in the audience, he wouldn't be able to get their attention anyway.

Why he's doing it and whether it matters, is another question.

You're single.

So irrelevant.

Original poster
Pinklemons9 · 10/10/2022 11:18

TurmericFan · 10/10/2022 11:14

[Single] man here. I became addicted to this myself in lockdown.

If he is watching the free ones, the popular women have anything from 200 to 7500 other people watching at the same time. He is just part of an anonymous audience. How it works is a small minority of the audience will be continuously giving tips (anything from £1 to £100) to keep the show going. Most shows are explicit but not all of them! Some very popular free ones are dancing and strip-tease.

So it is absolutely believable that he has had zero interaction with the women. He is just another number in the audience, he wouldn't be able to get their attention anyway.

Why he's doing it and whether it matters, is another question.

Thank you. It’s good to get a guys perspective because I don’t really know how it works. How he’s described it is exactly what you have said... he’s part of a big audience. He said he prefers it over porn which is staged. He said most guys watch it. Porn maybe but surely not webcam? Especially when you’re in a relationship.

OP posts:
andymary · 10/10/2022 11:19

Pinklemons9 · 10/10/2022 11:02

Yeah I have told him it’s border line cheating to me. It’s too interactive and way more personal than porn. I feel sick. I’m disgusted at him. I don’t think I’ll be able to see him in the same way again. I’m 99% sure he didn’t chat because I saw his phone history. If he did then I would end the relationship without a second thought, I kind wish he did tbh then it wouldn’t be so difficult. I already felt shit about myself. Now I feel like I’m not even good enough for my own boyfriend. He’s my best friend. I don’t have many friends so losing him will leave a massive gap.

I think it's unfair to end it over something he's possibly done from a young adult, especially if it's never came up in the relationship before, for you to tell him how you feel about it. Otherwise how is he meant to know?

It's like saying your partner cooked you a dinner, with an ingredient that you don't like, but you never discussed or told them that you don't like it.
Would you then never eat a dinner made by this person again over this one thing?

Of course, this all presumes that he will take your feelings on board, and limit himself to just porn without the webcams. But surely, him and your relationship deserves that chance?

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:19

No, you wouldn't be unreasonable in my view.

It's live and potentially interactive. It's a step beyond regular porn

Would he be happy with you doing it with a male stripper/escort/porn actor?

Men never get this shit back, if they did they'd have rather different views on it.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:21

He said he prefers it over porn which is staged

He thinks cam sex etc is not staged?

I don't think an emoji exists to express my response to that .... I'll go with 😂🤔🙄

I can't find a "you must be fucking joking mate, do I look that stupid" emoji.

andymary · 10/10/2022 11:21

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:17

You're single.

So irrelevant.

Show quote history

He didn't say it was relevant vs his relationship status.
He purely told the OP how these webcam sites work from his own experience.
Why are you attacking him for that?

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:25

andymary · 10/10/2022 11:21

He didn't say it was relevant vs his relationship status.
He purely told the OP how these webcam sites work from his own experience.
Why are you attacking him for that?

Show quote history

You clearly haven't been on MN long if you think that's an attack. 😀

BernsBellRowling · 10/10/2022 11:25

Your boyfriend thinks it’s ok to exploit women for his masturbatory pleasure.

Most women selling visual access to their vulva/vagina, anus, breasts and rest of their bodies are not doing it because they find it sexually gratifying or it is great for their self esteem. They are doing it because they need money and we live in a porn-soaked, rape apologist society where we tell women that their body is a commodity to be consumed by men for a few pennies at a time, or perhaps even for free before men will pay for the pleasure of making them do even more extreme things for a few pennies. Porn is, in my opinion, horribly exploitative enough, but the ability to exploit a woman in real time via webcam is, in my opinion, a whole other level of selfish, entitled, degrading behaviour.

There are reasons you feel disgusted by this behaviour, OP. Listen to your gut instinct. Don’t stay with someone you can’t respect because you’re worried that life without him will be worse - it won’t. Look after yourself, hold appropriate boundaries and know your worth. Good things happen when you treat yourself well.

andymary · 10/10/2022 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is most definitely an attack and verbal abuse. Your post has been Reported.

Redqueenheart · 10/10/2022 11:27

it would be a deal breaker for me.

I have a reached a point where I no longer tolerate online porn of any kind.

Because to me it objectifies and degrades women, turns sex into a financial transaction, gives completely unrealistic views of sex and as per the feedback of the ''single man'' on this thread it creates addiction and poisons relationships/

I could not care less if anyone thinks I am a ''prude'' or not a good feminist for believing that sex work does not empower women.

Those are my values. Other people are free to have different ones, but I no longer compromise on this. I have seen too much of the negative effect that porn is having on men, sex and relationships when I was dating to realise that this is not a harmless hobby...

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:28

Most women selling visual access to their vulva/vagina, anus, breasts and rest of their bodies are not doing it because they find it sexually gratifying or it is great for their self esteem. They are doing it because they need money and we live in a porn-soaked, rape apologist society where we tell women that their body is a commodity to be consumed by men for a few pennies at a time, or perhaps even for free before men will pay for the pleasure of making them do even more extreme things for a few pennies. Porn is, in my opinion, horribly exploitative enough, but the ability to exploit a woman in real time via webcam is, in my opinion, a whole other level of selfish, entitled, degrading behaviour.

This is an excellent post.

What is our society coming to that women are having to debate whether behaviour like this is ok and get past-able in a relationship.

My Dad's generation would've been "lucky" if they got an under the counter porn msg that probably wasn't even hard core. And they were hidden and would e caused problems had they been found. Look at the shit women are being conditioned to accept in a relationship now.

Gotskeaswr · 10/10/2022 11:29

@TurmericFan good insight for OP, I wouldn’t have known how it works and nor would most posters…
OP if your values aren’t aligned, and he can’t see your POV, might be time to reconsider this one.

andymary · 10/10/2022 11:30

BernsBellRowling · 10/10/2022 11:25

Your boyfriend thinks it’s ok to exploit women for his masturbatory pleasure.

Most women selling visual access to their vulva/vagina, anus, breasts and rest of their bodies are not doing it because they find it sexually gratifying or it is great for their self esteem. They are doing it because they need money and we live in a porn-soaked, rape apologist society where we tell women that their body is a commodity to be consumed by men for a few pennies at a time, or perhaps even for free before men will pay for the pleasure of making them do even more extreme things for a few pennies. Porn is, in my opinion, horribly exploitative enough, but the ability to exploit a woman in real time via webcam is, in my opinion, a whole other level of selfish, entitled, degrading behaviour.

There are reasons you feel disgusted by this behaviour, OP. Listen to your gut instinct. Don’t stay with someone you can’t respect because you’re worried that life without him will be worse - it won’t. Look after yourself, hold appropriate boundaries and know your worth. Good things happen when you treat yourself well.

You are under the impression that every body thinks the same way that you do.

Have you not seen the amount of money these cam girls make? Or on OnlyFans? They are empowering themselves to work at home, in the comfort of their own home, working their own hours with their own business.
And frankly, their business is their choice, and noone else's business to judge.

outtheshowernow · 10/10/2022 11:30

Are you sure it's free ? I don't think it is

LemonDrop22 · 10/10/2022 11:33

andymary · 10/10/2022 11:30

You are under the impression that every body thinks the same way that you do.

Have you not seen the amount of money these cam girls make? Or on OnlyFans? They are empowering themselves to work at home, in the comfort of their own home, working their own hours with their own business.
And frankly, their business is their choice, and noone else's business to judge.

Show quote history

Delusion.

Are you going to report that too?

Are you going to report everyone who doesn't agree with you on this thread?

TheHoover · 10/10/2022 11:34

Someone needs to give Lemondrop22 an education in men and porn….