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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Miserable husband never wants to do anything

229 replies

tantala · 09/10/2022 22:45

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 09/10/2022 22:53

Unless he can change his situation/outlook, I guess there are two options:

  • you make your own plans, assuming he's not coming with you. Invite him, but accept you'll be going by yourself with your children.
  • you split up so you don't feel constantly resentful of him.
I know it's crap when you're with them all the time and just want a 'proper' family life on his day off but you can't change his behaviour, only your own. Will things just get worse when you return to work after maternity leave?
Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 09/10/2022 23:00

When I was married previously I did absolutely nothing with my dh. He had zero interest in family life. When we divorced he saw 2 of our 4 dc. Court ordered and not particularly what he wanted. Post teens none saw him. Absolutely no relationship there at all. Ask your dh how her sees his relationship with his dc's as older /adults.. Get out now op. Your dc deserve more.

oldestmumaintheworld · 10/10/2022 05:16

His job is more important than you and your children - to him. I do understand. Some people (and I'm one of them) love their jobs. It defines them. They enjoy it and get a good deal from it. And also it can be tiring running your own business. However, that's not important if you have children. At home you need to put work behind you and be wholly present for your children and your partner. It's hard sometimes but that's what you have to do. And he isn't. So, does he want to be in a relationship with you? Does he want a relationship with his children? These are the questions you have to ask him? I fear that you might not like the answers, but at least you'll know. And can decide what to do about it.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 10/10/2022 05:22

He doesn't sound present in the relationship. He has children but isn't parenting them.
You'd be better off without him

autienotnaughty · 10/10/2022 05:25

I think you need to sit and talk and explain that whilst you understand he needs a break you are worried he's missing out with kids and you and that's potentially going to impact on your relationship and his relationship with kids. Try to explain you want to include him becaus you all love spending time with him and you don't want him to miss out on quality family time. After that it's up to him. I think you need to do what ever you and kids want to do, invite him but it's upto him if he makes the effort back. If he doesn't then long term he risks losing out in his relationship with you and kids. But that's his choice.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/10/2022 05:29

I think maybe have a discussion about it with him. Your dc need family time on the one day. I understand that he is frazzled but that isn't the dcs fault. Would he agree to doing something every other day off? It doesn't have to be massive but going to the park for a couple of hours in the morning should be doable.

It sounds like a real slog. Is there anything he could delegate?

RondaYolanda · 10/10/2022 05:40

It sounds like he cares more about socializing in his hospitality business than being present with his family. Narcissists are like this - they lavish all their energy on strangers while treating the people closest to them like furniture.

girlmom21 · 10/10/2022 05:41

I'm going to hazard a guess that his working hours mean you never actually get a proper 'break' either?

olympicsrock · 10/10/2022 05:44

I was in this position ( but my DH has both work abs sport) .
I spent years doing things alone or with girlfriends. We had evening watching TV together as couple time.
I was lonely. I gave him an ultimatum and things changed for the better BUT I was ready to follow through and he knew it. I had decided that I deserved to be happy. Do not let your children grow up with this atmosphere

ItsHitTheFanNow · 10/10/2022 05:56

When do you get a "rest day"?

Original poster
tantala · 10/10/2022 06:04

ItsHitTheFanNow · 10/10/2022 05:56

When do you get a "rest day"?

I don't. I also always let him sleep as long as he likes on his days off. He's never had to do a night waking. He basically does very little aside from his job.

The thing that annoys me the most, is actually his attitude around doing stuff. He is always miserable around it. He never looks forward to doing anything.

I'll be talking about Christmas plans and all he can think of, is that he won't get a proper rest / break. It's so frustrating.

The other day I organised a baby sitter for a few hours while we were at home. All he could say about that was that he wasn't able to get a proper rest because a stranger was in his house. I did it so we could both have a bit of a break, but he still wasn't happy about it.

He's just always disappointed. I don't even plan stuff sometimes, because I know he won't be happy about it because it's too much for him and he won't get a break.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 10/10/2022 06:26

I was married to someone like this. I left and my life has improved vastly. He’s checked out of the marriage and wants to live a totally parallel life while you facilitate family life it won’t get better.

KKslideaway · 10/10/2022 06:36

You have two options:
1.He changes jobs to a more manageable work situation

  1. You leave with the kids

I have been in stressful work situations with young kids and it is fucking hard and miserable. So I understand the whole why he doesnt want to do anything. But I left that job because it made me and everyone around me miserable.

Original poster
tantala · 10/10/2022 06:38

KKslideaway · 10/10/2022 06:36

You have two options:
1.He changes jobs to a more manageable work situation

  1. You leave with the kids

I have been in stressful work situations with young kids and it is fucking hard and miserable. So I understand the whole why he doesnt want to do anything. But I left that job because it made me and everyone around me miserable.

He can't leave his job. It's not an option. Things will get easier with a proper team in place, but that's hard to find and hard to maintain. The nature of the job is what it is. He also

OP posts:
Original poster
tantala · 10/10/2022 06:39

He also isn't happy about his job situation.

OP posts:
LadyHarmby · 10/10/2022 06:39

Time for a big chat.

Surely if he owns the business, he can take time off whenever he wants? Presumably he has staff he trusts to run the place when he’s not there?

WhatNoRaisins · 10/10/2022 06:39

Obviously you'll get told to leave but another option could be to just think of yourself as a single parent with a better income. Make your own plans with the kids without him and reach out to other people.

LadyHarmby · 10/10/2022 06:41

He can't leave his job. It's not an option

Well, he can. He can sell the business or close it down and do something else.

cimena · 10/10/2022 06:42

When you’re in a job like this it’s easy to become a tad obsessive about ‘down time’ - the way you write about him constantly talking about ‘a break’ sounds like he might be stuck in a mindset about what ‘a break’ looks like. Could he hire someone to take on a bit of the work? Even if not immediately, if that’s something to work towards so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel?

Otherwise, yeah, it’s an ‘I get you’re tired but we need to find a way to make this work cos the whingeing is killing me’ conversation.

jadedspark · 10/10/2022 06:43

Why can't he leave his job? I couldn't be with someone who didn't prioritise their DC.

Original poster
tantala · 10/10/2022 06:43

LadyHarmby · 10/10/2022 06:39

Time for a big chat.

Surely if he owns the business, he can take time off whenever he wants? Presumably he has staff he trusts to run the place when he’s not there?

It's not as simple as that at all.

Staff leaves, gets sick, has holidays. If it's your own place, ultimately you have to be there if those things happen. Things have been very tough since covid and brexit. It was a bit better before. Anyway. Hopefully the situation will get better. We are in a better place than a couple of months ago. But it's a difficult industry. Talk to anyone about it, the last few years have been very difficult. It's not just us. There's a massive shortage of people.

OP posts:
Original poster
tantala · 10/10/2022 06:47

cimena · 10/10/2022 06:42

When you’re in a job like this it’s easy to become a tad obsessive about ‘down time’ - the way you write about him constantly talking about ‘a break’ sounds like he might be stuck in a mindset about what ‘a break’ looks like. Could he hire someone to take on a bit of the work? Even if not immediately, if that’s something to work towards so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel?

Otherwise, yeah, it’s an ‘I get you’re tired but we need to find a way to make this work cos the whingeing is killing me’ conversation.

Yeah constantly looking for people. It's tough to find people right now.

OP posts:
EmmaDilemma5 · 10/10/2022 06:48

He sounds depressed. And trapped in negative thinking.

Does he see a problem with the current family dynamics/lifestyle?

Do you work?

Would he consider changing jobs?

  1. In the immediacy, I would suggest counselling for him, although that may be tricky if he has no time or inclination for it. But I really do think he sounds low.

  2. would he consider making changes to his work? Either biting he bullet and getting an employed job. OR reducing how much he does?

  3. Would he consider a compromise? For example, once a fortnight he gets a full day off to do whatever he wants (you arrange to see family for support). BUT that's on the proviso that the following weekend he has dedicated family time with no moans and groans.

If he won't budge, then personally I'd leave. Only because I know I couldn't live like that. I need support with the kids and company. I need my partner to not drag me down emotionally. But I do know a few people who have a similar life to you, the ones who are happy stopped expecting time together, they see their family a lot, and they kind of see their husband as a cash cow to be honest. I guess it's their way of making the set up worth it.

LadyHarmby · 10/10/2022 06:51

Would he consider giving up the business, do you think?

Leakingroofagain · 10/10/2022 06:52

My dh can be a bit like this..I just organize everything assuming he's not coming. He's a bit of a Disney dad so does like getting the kudos if the DC like a day out, so often comes anyway. I think it's largely the planning he doesn't like and discussion about what we are doing, a little bit of apprehensive social anxiety too.

In your shoes though OP I'd be taking two days a month where you leave the DC with him have your own time off.