Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

Absolutely not. That's not how being self employed works really.

Yes I work. I am on maternity leave. Not sure why that matters.

I think you are making too many excuses for him at this stage.

Yes, I can understand that he wants to focus a lot of time and energy on his business but that should not mean he neglects you and your children and expects you to do everything in the home and when it comes to childcare.

Your kids are growing up without any kind of interaction and real relationship with their father, even if he is living with you. This will affect them and how they relate to him long term.

As people have already said you have various options:

• make it clear this has to end now and he needs to make time at the weekend for his family. That might mean that he sells the business if it is no longer viable. He should not be living for his job only, it should be something that gives him enough money to spend time with his family and enjoy life too
• leave
• do nothing and keep exhausting yourself running everything and being unhappy while your partner ignores you and your kids.

Rubbish. He can give it up and do something else, he just doesn’t want to.

He can't see it. And I suspect no amount of you explaining it will make him change. Some men are just married to the job. He is like one of those. He can't grasp that whilst working hard is important, what are you working hard FOR? He can't see that life outside work is there to be enjoyed, because of work. You and that kids aren't that important to him. Sorry. But it's the truth. People rarely change, on this issue.

People invest a lot of money into building their own business, it’s not as simple as giving it up and going and getting another job. Would you be prepared to lose your life savings like that? It’s a really tough situation, you have to accept nothing is going to change anytime soon. You can speak to him about his attitude though, tell him you’re just going to do stuff yourself with the kids as he doesn’t want to get involved. Not much else you can do, unless you left

Laughing and cringing at those that think it's just so easy for him to give up his business etc - that's their livelihood! Presumably it's also what's funding maternity leave - more than one I'm guessing?

does he earn the more money OP? TBH in this situation you either discuss his general attitude outside of work and how it's bringing you down and he tries to change or you leave because that's just not the sort of personality he has? Or if he is feeling the pressure of carrying the family financially you attempt to even up your earning potential and give him a break?

It is that easy. He hires someone to take the strain. Give him some time off.
If he can't afford to do that, then your business isn't that profitable and sustainable, is it?

1. In the immediacy, I would suggest counselling for him, although that may be tricky if he has no time or inclination for it. But I really do think he sounds low.

He will not go to counselling. I've also suggested marriage counselling. He's completely against both.

Does he see a problem with this lifestyle ?

He says he wishes he had more time off, but also that lots of families live like this and that his family was like that and the mums were just mums and everyone just got on with it.... and didn't complain. It's just the way life was. I don't think he thinks it's that unusual.

To be fair, my dad was also home late every night. But we did have weekends together and my dad is a very get up and go kind of person who has always wanted to be out and about. He hates being at home. My dads job was also physical and also self employed and exhausting. I guess he just had more energy, plus the entire weekend off.

In terms of my husband, I feel like he just wishes he was left alone to grow his business etc. his dad apparently didn't need to worry about home life etc. apparently everything was taken care of Bla Bla Bla

I think he's actually depressed because of me. Because I don't stand there with a cooked dinner in suspenders every night waiting for him. Because I ask him to change the odd nappy and get involved when he's home.

Loads of people take a PAYE job, when their SE business if failing. Lots of people have to do this.

How much money is he actually earning OP? Is it regular? Whats his monthly income? What's his Turnover, and profit before tax? Is he taking a salary and/or dividends?

He's never had to carry me financially ever. I make very good money and I have paid maternity leave.

It sounds like he owns a restaurant of some type.

These types of jobs never have regular hours.
BIL was a cook and a kitchen manager for several years. He was never home.

My first DH was in sales. Had to beg for him to take any time off for us.
He made time to hang out in the pub after work with his friends though.

Hopefully he is bringing in a decent amount of money for all the hours he is putting in.

I can't tell you those details.

His business is not failing at all ( aside from failing our family life together ). It's very profitable.

It's not about affording it. It's tough times out there to actually find people.

I think most of the posters here don’t understand the challenges of running a business, the pressure and responsibility that brings, how there can be NO one else to rely on. You obviously support your husband with his business and understand that life style, he must be knackered and miserable it’s fun at the start but when you’ve been doing it for years with no proper break it becomes exhausting.

i think it’s probably time to sit down with him and work out a plan. Most of it will likely come down to money is he supporting the family? How many years until the children are in school and you can go to work? Is there a way of changing the business model so her gets more days off? Eg shutting the business Monday/Tuesday if they are less profitable? Outline the life you want with him and work on a plan to get there over the next few years, what changes can he make now, what will take longer to put in place. If he won’t listen or refuses to make a change you’ve got a problem.

I have been in this position except I owned the business, I was a miserable cow and a slave to the company. My husband asked me to step back which I thought was impossible but I found ways to do it. The less I worked the happier I became. I would never have made the changes on my own (im a workaholic who doesn’t really stop) I really needed my husband to prompt the change show me what our life would be like if i didn’t work all the time and support me through it. No regrets

What do you want to happen?

You're saying he won't change jobs, you're repeating every reason he's told you for being unable to dial back his hours. So his working situation isn't going to change. You can't change his attitude when he isn't at work, there's no reason for him to change it, he has the kids and wife to show off and make him look good and all the benefits of living with a high earner who also provides childcare, housework and sex. There's no impetus for him to change.

You're left with the choice of either accepting the status quo, or leaving. At least if you leave you can cheerfully make plans without being guilted about them, and nobody in your home will treat you and your children like a burden.

My husband is a bit like this, he got a bit obsessed with a break being sitting on the sofa watching sport. We had to have a serious conversation about how depressing it was for all of us that he was being so bloody boring, and that age old proverb ‘a change is as good as a rest’. Your husband will feel just as recharged by going out and enjoying himself as he will spending the day on the sofa.

we came up with some ideas as a family of what we could do on weekends and then every week picked one. I prefer to be outside so lots of them were a walk round the woods or go to the beach or whatever, but there’s also make a home cinema and have popcorn and sweets and watch a film together, or have a games night.

Basically he needs to get over the idea that for him to be rested he needs to be sat on the sofa not doing anything.

My partner is very similar works 6 days a week (not his own business though) when I posted previously most people said I should just do things on my own.

it’s sad though isn’t it, if I had my time again I wouldn’t have had kids with him.

Oh come on. He is obviously exhausted. I work in the NHS and work ridiculous hours often only having a day off during covid.
On my day off I just wanted to hold my head in my hands and cry. Thank God I live alone because if anyone had dragged me off to see family I would have done my nut.
This is no life for anyone.
Is it possible for him to delegate so he gets two full days off?
You are going to have to sit down and thrash it out.
I think its a bit pissy to say dump him when he is working really hard for the family.

When you said you couldn't, talk about figures : you don't want to on mn? (For privacy reasons which we would all understand) Or you don't know because you haven't seen the accounts?

Ok, so it's very profitable, how come he's so strained? Or rather if the business has got the money, the business can therefore employ more people to ease the strain for him. What's stopping him doing that?

If he's in the hospitality industry there's an abundance of staff available to be hired.

One of our football dads runs a hospitality business, huge parties and do's and big cricket clubs and football and rugby grounds etc. he's permanently on the phone. But he's making a packet.

It would literally all be better if his attitude was different and he wanted to do stuff and was more excited about life and doing stuff with us.

Usually when he's actually doing stuff / has done stuff, he's always glad that he did !

I need to talk to him again about the attitude

A bit alarmed at the posters saying the OPs husband can just sell/leave his business, it’s not that easy when you are self employed to walk away from something you have built. Besides which it doesn’t strike me that would help.
Would he consider seeing a GP and talking about his options?
If you are on May leave could you go away from a few days, stay with friends, and leave him to figure his shit out alone? May make him realise how much he is taking from you.
If you love him, you can make it work, the answer isn’t always to leave, despite what mumsnet will say.

He can't grasp that whilst working hard is important, what are you working hard FOR? He can't see that life outside work is there to be enjoyed, because of work.

This... If he truly cared and prioritised his family, he would see his current situation as a massive issue for you and his children, and be trying hard to change things, and recognise that he needed to be involved even if knackered.

However, it seems like he has fully prioritised his work and business over you, and sees you simply as enabling the important part of his life, his work.

Many people justify this by saying they're "building a future" for their family at the expense of the present... without recognising that the key time to spend with your family is when they are young. there's no point having time to spend with them when they're grown up and living their own lives...

This way of thinking makes as much sense as working through a holiday, so you can enjoy your holiday when the holiday is over and you're back home!

Yeah of course, just privacy reasons. I know what he makes and what the business makes.

Well, you'll need to tell me where all this available Staff are.. because it doesn't seem like that to us. Literally desperate to hire people and on excellent salaries too, but it's difficult to fill positions. Especially long term.

What did you post for?
He won't change his job, you have no plans to leave, you won't change his attitude, so that's sorted isn't it? Just accept it. This is it, this is the life you chose/are choosing.