Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

Totally agree with the intention

Christmas is about family though. We will spend 5 days out of three weeks with family.

He just wants to lounge on the sofa for three weeks. That's not on.

My DH argues that he is working hard for his family.

But as our business is close to our house, he pops home for the odd twenty minute break or to do a school run. He is always busy but he does fit important family time in to his day. Not enough but he does try!

You also said you organised a baby sitter to be in the house when you were both at home- that's just weird. I'd be very uncomfortable with tha

I didn't. He said he wouldn't be home and I had organised an activity for myself to be out of the house for a few hours. He was then home last minute and wanted me to cancel everything, but I refused. He could also have gone out, but chose to stay at home, while I went to my activity. I spent maybe an hour at home whilst baby sitter was there, doing some chores. But then I left. If I had been him, I would either have gone out/ got on with some chores / or watched a film upstairs in peace or slept. He chose to moan pretty much and then remarked it wasn't that bad in the end.. so pretty much ruined my activity

All I want to do over Xmas is sit on the sofa I'm absolutely knackered. Mind you I'm in my 60s, live alone and my DS is grown up. How old is your DH?

I have been here and know how you feel.
Both my daughter's then went the same way and never wanted to do anything unless I was spending money on them.
Your best way forward is to lower your expectations, yes I know it is hard to seeand do, however once he sees he isn't expected to join in you might be able to stop his actions.
So you tell him your taking the children to the park, he starts to moan about it , look him dead in the eye and say "I told you I was doing this, I want to go enjoy watching the children play on the swings, enjoy your rest!" Get ready do not ask him again, then post loads of happy pics on Facebook. Enjoy the moment for what it is.
When he moans about not wanting days with your family, just tell him if he wants his Xmas to be alone in the house so be it, remind him, he needs to organise his food. Then leave the adult to adult. Funny as once they can't sit and complain they mostly decide to join in.

It makes me laugh because I did tell him that he can spend Christmas on his own so he can get all the rest he wants ! My children and I went to stay with family for a month earlier in the year, he still complained he didn't get a rest while we were gone! He had quite a few days off to himself..

How does he react if you do fun things with the kids without him? Like visit friends/family? Have a fun weekend with a friend instead of him? Have the option to spend Christmas alone? Is he happy, indifferent, complains about not being invited?

When he had children, he signed up to use his none work time to be a daddy. It is just tough titties for him. His main job is being a husband and father, as much as he seems to think its his job. He is obliged to make time and energy. Otherwise he will lose you all.

Simple facts of life.

@tantala I reckon the majority of couples have this competition, even if they’re not in the highly stressed position of you and your husband. We certainly do; it’s very common when you’re raising young children who need you so much and put a lot of pressure on a relationship.

I think perhaps you took that as derogatory when it wasn’t meant to be. I’m very much on your side @tantala.

My imagined image comes from having a friend whose partner runs a smoked meat business and who has also checked out of family life. Days are spent preparing meat for orders, nights are spent running the takeaway element. He wants a wife at home facilitating him entirely in the most old fashioned way. He doesn’t like it when she ‘answers back’. He has a beard. I want her to leave him. He’s awful.

I think you very much tried to claim expertise in the thread. Other posters called your derailments ‘smug’.

😂😂😂😂 oh, you 😂

Hospitality is now having massive issues with staff. Most people I know are now in similar situation OP when they have 1 day a week off, if that and work more hours because staff isn't available or takes a piss or ill (and you don't eant someone with flu like symptoms visible...) or just not there. On top of it it's gone quieter everywhere so some owners do more to preserve wages for themselves otherwise they would be on big fat zero.

Yeah it sucks, but that's the industry. I feel for you both, but I take quite an issue with people here calling him pathetic.

That is so funny, as now you have him.
But honey you stayed home alone and could sleep 24 hours a day and you still didn't feel rested, maybe your bored not tired.
Why don't you come do x with us so you can get a change from just working, after all they say " All work and no play makes for a dull life!" Smile do not engage and walk away.

I dread to imagine what it is going to be like for OP when she returns to her paying job. She will be doing IT ALL and will probably be back here asking for help and suggestions to get her husband to chip around the house.

It's a really tough industry isnt it, and I can understand wanting to relax if you get a day off. But in that case he shouldn't have had a family, you cant bring kids into things and then literally do fuck all with them even when you're not working. Most parents dont get a complete break as in have nothing to do with their family, chores etc when they're off work.

I think I'd sit down with him and ask him what he actually wants. Does he want to spend all his time at work or watching TV? If so that's fine but you wont have a marriage, you may as well leave if you are doing it all yourself. Does he want you to stop asking him to do anything and just do your own thing? As that's the way its heading if he is continually negative about everything. Does he want a family? Does he want to take days out with the kids? What he is trying to achieve by moaning about it other than stop you asking. Is the root of the issue that he sees his job as 'working' and your job as 'kids/home'...in which case how will it work when you go back to work after mat leave?

Ultimately if he wont change and wont even attempt counselling or something then it's probably not going to work unfortunately. I would however be a bit more understanding around christmas as it is probably his worst time of year.

Does he ever take holiday? What's he like then after a few days rest?

OP, this is such a difficult situation that you're in. Honestly, I can see both sides, and have been on both sides myself.

I think it comes down to whether this is a permanent theme / value clash or a temporary rough situation that requires teamwork and strategising solutions.

It sounds to me like he views your job as the kids + house + family stuff, and he views his job as the business + bringing his share of the money in + entrepreneurial success. So he's seeing it like you're trying to drag him into "your job", when he's already overwhelmed and at breaking point with his own.

Meanwhile, you're resenting him for being effectively absent from family life, uninterested in proactively engaging and spending quality time with you all. And you're feeling like if you do what he wants and stick around the house, life is passing you by. Yet if you grab the kind of life you want, you're doing it without a partner. And I don't blame you for feeling that way one bit. I'd feel the same way. And have left partners over it (and haven't regretted it).

The bottom line is that he's asking you to support him by letting him disengage, and you're asking him to support you by engaging. So you're at complete odds and need to figure out if it's a deep conflict over beliefs about family roles, or whether it's a temporary problem that can be ridden out with practical solutions.

If it's truly a case of his business coming first to him and wanting family life to be your bag to carry permanently, you only have two options. Either accept it as it is, or start discussing separation and mean it.

The only next step I can see for you right now is to sit down and really talk, without defensiveness. Ask him what he needs. Listen properly without interrupting, arguing, or cutting him off. Take it in and validate him, recognise his needs and recognise how you've contributed to not hearing them. Really just own your shit and be open. Then expect the same of him. Then figure out which way you want to move forward.

I feel for both of you. It’s been an awful time in hospitality and as a business owner it must have been so stressful wondering if his business would survive. He sounds burnt out and stressed and in need of some help but that’s easier said than done and I presume the upcoming Xmas period will be very busy with work and he’d just want to relax when that’s finished. I agree with others that visiting family isn’t always relaxing. Could you afford an actual holiday over this period? Maybe somewhere with a kids club so that you could both relax for some of the time?
However, his pressure doesn’t distract from the pressure on you and in terms of family time. It’s a hard time for many families when kids are so young. Can you agree some sharing of childcare so that you get a day of rest every other week?

My friends husband was exactly like him he was a headteacher but the only had teacher in the world that had the stresses and pressures that he had apparently. After 20 years of putting up with that crap she’s finally left him. And found love with somebody who actually wants to go out into the world and see it and enjoy life. I children haven’t had a bad childhood at all they’ve had lots of stability and a nice home and a reasonable standard of living but I don’t think they’ve ever had a holiday, or a day out as a family.
it’s just weighing it all up, if you’re going to be a single parent would you be able to afford a day out/holiday anyway and if the answer is no you might as well stay where you are.

I agree with pp who have said that he seems to have a very fixed way of thinking, of viewing how his work-life and marriage should be, probably based on his own parents' marriage.

The thing is, it's not working - for him or for you. You are both unhappy and stressed, so a solution needs to be found. Can he really not find a manager to take some of the strain off him?

I think you need to sit down with him and explain that the situation is not tenable and try to go through possible alternatives with him. If he refuses to discuss things with you, or dismisses your concerns, then I guess you will have to take some tough decisions yourself about the future that you want.

Good luck and don't let him fob you off!

The people thing.

Has he tried looking for someone to cover managing say 10-2. School hours, covers the lunch shift and some prep for the evening- lots of parents would jump for a role like that. Ok he’s still going to work six days a week but a four hour break gives him some time to maybe eat a relaxed lunch with you, or meet you and the kids at the park for an hour or two.

He could then look for a manager to do say 8pm- closing. It’s after bedtime so again parents who want to tag team with their partner and avoid childcare costs might be interested and he’d be home in time to relax and unwind for bed at a normal hour.

Hell still be working a lot but it might give him breathing space and it offers the sort of hours most hospitality places don’t so could make the job more attractive to the limited pool of potential workers.

@Herejustforthisone
Many posters don't like basic questions about their business, it's a very touchy issue. When it turns out that their business is not quite as healthy or viable or cash flow friendly as they wish.

Nothing I said earlier couldn't be said by a non qualified accountant / financial adviser. I don't believe I said anything that's wasn't basic common sense. If you have leases against your home, and you fear that your home is in jepody, it doesn't take a qualified accountant to tell us all that this is not ideal and that it's probably best to work towards changing that.
If any area of your life is keeping you up at night, worrying, it's probably best ideally to work towards resolving that.

Friend has a restaurant three kids. Staffing rotation etc chefs and managers lured away by competition during the summer. They took the decision to close on Tuesdays, dumped the evening meals. Everyone much happier. The staff that went after the big bucks are seeing the lack of business and panicking now. They'll be let go. They're still making money

So Christmas is not the busiest time, it's summer, for him. So no, it's not unreasonable that after four years of not spending Christmas with my relatives, I should spend the entire 3 week holiday with him at home moaning that he's tired and fed up. It's 5 days. I hardly ever drag him out. We've not spent time with friends for months and months and months.

We went on holiday, he moaned about it before and moaned during as well. But recognised we needed to go for the kids

This thread is depressing.

I would leave him. He's not interested in you or your children. Doesn't give a shit. It wouldn't be enough of a life for me, and like fuck would I have my kids growing up feeling like their existence was a burden.