Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

I left my husband for this reason. I felt that I didn’t have the energy to cajole an adult as well as two children (I actually was working full time, so only had the weekends; he worked on a shift pattern so was either away from home for a month, working, or back for a month)
We discussed it and considered he might be depressed but despite a few actions, nothing changed.

fast forward 6 years and we have a fantastic, platonic relationship, he’s a super hands on dad. He takes our kids camping on his own, he’s happy. Although our relationship is definitely over, I think I had tolerated his negativity over the young children age, we might have got to this place and have all the benefits of a full family. But maybe being alone forced him to be accountable for his own actions?

In my opinion, parents have strengths for different ages. Not many men are strong in the baby and toddler stage. It’s a totally different world in 7+
but should you have to suck it up, absolutely not!

I don't think it's as easy as 'he can just give it up / sell and do something else'. Or 'just walk away'.

It sounds miserable for you all.

Could he scale it back a bit ? Do you need the money? How long left for maternity leave? Are your salaries equal? Is he having to work more to cover maternity cover?

If you were to split, is he likely to see them anymore than he does now?

I think you need to talk to him in the first instance.

Definitely time to have a proper chat to him but it sounds to me like you are just poorly matched with what you want and expect out of life. It sounds like he wants a Trad Wife set up where his only concern is the business/making money and everything else sits with you. You want a more "modern" (hardly a recent phenomenon though!!) split of two parents both invested in the children etc.

Before you had kids, did this come up? This isn't a criticism - if he had previously indicated he wanted a Trad set up it's much harder for you to have issue with him still wanting it now (and vice versa)....

Absolutely ! When I do have an extra pair of hands, things are so much easier ! But he begrudges me even that sometimes. When he's angry he throws it back in my face. It's hard to forget that.

It really stood out for me as well. That's why I mentioned it, because I can't forget it. Even my mother in law has said similar. Mums are just strong. We have to be strong. Everything is expected from mums. Mums can't get ill etc.. someone else said to me, mums are super hero's. I'm not ! I'm tired !

Sounds tough for everyone right now OP. Would a possible compromise be to plan low-key family things for your DH's day off - a walk in the woods, a trip to the park, a family film at home with popcorn etc, and dial back on the meeting up with friends type of activity (or do that yourself with the kids on another day)? I quite often have to work weekends as well as weekdays and I totally get that if you have very limited time off, socialising with other people can feel like a bridge too far in terms of effort/energy.

I normally help people set up businesses, but I have helped close down

You really don’t write like someone with experience in this @Oblomov22.

@tantala, the talk of his own family growing, particularly his father and his ‘role’, and his comments about mums being mums, plus his vitriol when you have the audacity to get someone in to give you a much needed break, suggests to me his actions are deliberate to force you into submission, to break you until you the role he wants you to fulfil, so he can be free to do what the fuck he wants without any demands placed on him by his family. He doesn’t see you as anything other than a pretty facilitator of his life.

My friend was married to a man like this. She was miserable, he was miserable.
It came to a heads few months after she found out how much he actually earnt, after years of it being quite difficult to ascertain what these 'returns' were after years of him prioritising the business over the kids. (To a PP point, as a business owner you will often feel responsible for other peoples livelihood and the community) he had led her to believe the money coming in was worth it and that him spending less time there was 'just around the corner' which is how he's convinced her to start a family while he was working the crazy hours to begin with (he missed his kids entire childhood saying this)
She found out how much it was, and he gaslit her into thinking that was 'worth it'
Then she went out with a group of friends one night shortly after, got drunk and it all came spilling out. It was a LOT less than anyone sane would accept working 70 hour weeks and missing their childrens lives for years for.
A friend who works in recruitment literally pulled up a list of jobs the husband would be qualified/experienced enough to do elsewhere... 20k more than what he was currently bringing home, for a working week of half of what he was currently doing.
She sat him down a few weeks later and he pulled out the 'but people are depending on me for jobs' line. She asked who was more important, her and the kids or the staff who could go and get another job. Silence. She left him, he kept going, the business has never expanded, he has no relationship with his adult kids.

That was full of typos.

*growing up
*until you accept the role

Then he's an eejit. Think of your home as a business. You need an extra member of staff. If you get time to have a bath, shave your legs, prepare a meal, exercise the kids, you're more likely to have some energy left for your relationship.

My advice do a rough business plan pros and cons. The hiree will go against his profit rather you than the taxman surely.

Then email the plan to him at work let him chew on it for a few hours. It does take time for the penny to drop.

It's not forever just while they're so young

I’m picturing him either running a takeaway restaurant, or a bar or a barbecued meat business. With a beard. Not sure why.

Different circumstances but I've had a similar conversation with my own MIL. I had to be really blunt and tell her that while she may have done it when her kids were small I just don't have it in me to be the family "propper upper". Maybe I'm too selfish but I just don't have it in me and I was becoming resentful. It's not for everyone.

I think it matters because, at the moment, you are picking up all the slack, leaving him free to concentrate on his business. The question is how is that going to work if you start working outside the home again.

Does the business generate sufficient income to outsource some of the parenting to a nanny?

He's got three weeks off at Christmas and we are making some plans, have some family visits etc and he's already moaning he won't get any break at all. I organise a babysitter to give us both a break and it's not right either.

I'm with him re Christmas- "family visits" aren't a break.

You also said you organised a baby sitter to be in the house when you were both at home- that's just weird. I'd be very uncomfortable with that.

@tantala i understand what you and you family are going through, myself and my husband run a business and it takes a lot of time dedication and it’s HARD work

has Your husband run his own business from the start of the marriage and of so has he always been like this ?

could there be a possibility he is depressed from the work load ? Constantly working and having no time off can take its toll on a person and he could be displaying this attitude and lack of interest because of the pressure it’s just a thought

it’s so easy for everyone to say just leave he’s a selfish hit who only cares about himself if your family unit can be saved isn’t it worth a try ?

I think if he only wants to work and rest then partner and kids was not a good choice for him.

OH add to the business plan the children carer can supplement her hours in the business. My friends does. He'll like that

I would stop organising social things for him, he keeps telling you he doesn’t want to do them but you aren’t listening. Instead ask him how and when he wants to make time for his wife and family? If he doesn’t want to spend any time with you and the kids at all then that’s obviously a huge issue that isn’t going to be improved with the odd date night.

My OH self employed all his life family business. It's bloody hard work and you bring it home. I didn't go back after maternity leave but waited until both in school. It just wasn't doable otherwise. Ironically I found a job I loved after retrained in a different Field

Same for me only it was work and sport. It can get very, very lonely and frustrating.

Like a previous poster said, you could give him an ultimatum, but just be aware that he may well choose his own way rather than what's best for his wife and kids.

just got to say from absolute experience- PLEASE don’t think you’ll EVER get a team who will allow him to not work so much. It isn’t a thing. If anything it will get worse. And no one will understand unless they’ve managed/owned in hospitality so you won’t get sympathy or understanding you desperately need.

He’s the problem though as he’s not doing what he needs to do to keep both side of his life together. Family has to come first. Even if he can’t give literal time, he should WANT to be with you and the kids. The INTENTION should be there.

Nice.

@Herejustforthisone
Oh dear. But I never claimed to be qualified. What do you think I should write to explain? I'm not an expert.

I just basic accounts, so I do due diligence for businesses selling; help people set up their businesses and I do their tax returns; and I'm closing a business now. In fact when I was posting earlier I was walking to work. I'm now sat at work, just about to start work on helping a closing business.

You and the children are not his priority -it is as simple as that. Are you prepared to settle for that? Kids will resent and sense this as they get older.