Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

@byvirtue
I disagree. Many of us do understand what running a SE business is like. Many posters do themselves, or their Dh is SE.

But from an outsiders point of view, you have to stop and wonder if it's worth it?
And also your accountant (or financial advisor) should be advising aswell.

No good running a SE business if you keel over from a heart attack is it? Or if your wife leaves you (if that in itself would bother you).

@Bestcatmum

I think its a bit pissy to say dump him when he is working really hard for the family.

It's clear from the OP's posts that he's working really hard for himself, not his family. His family is an afterthought for him, and far from being a priority.

I think this is very helpful and true, thank you.

This used to be my life! DH worked ridiculously long hours in his hospitality business and was completely absent from family life. It came to a head when I had to take my daughter alone on holiday due to an employee calling in sick, I told him that it was us or the job and he made a plan to get out.

Looking back it was clear he was utterly exhausted, burnt out and depressed. He says he can't believe he thought that level of work was ok and doesn't understand how he did it for so long.

He is a different person now, we are a family again. It was a struggle financially at first but we are in a good place now.

I really feel for you, it's such a miserable situation. Is there any chance he would consider selling the business and starting again?

I think changing his attitude would be a massive help.

OP seems to be in denial. Posters ask her why she posted / what she intends to do, but she can't answer that. Because she knows what she needs to do, but doesn't want to.

My husband has own restaurant and I can sympathise. As you say very difficult industry right now and he’s at work 7 days most weeks. Honestly think you either leave or accept it, make plans for yourself and thd children and let him know. He either joins in or doesn’t, his choice, with only condition that if he does he’s engaged and pleasant. I find removing the stress of expectations and the arguments has worked for me to some extent.

All these posters who think you can't close down a SE business?

Of course you can. It happens all the time. Sometimes planned. Sometimes emergency. Sometimes someone dies! or in Covid their business just evaporates and disappears and they have to take a different job or someone plans it or someone doesn't plane it, but has to react.

Businesses do less, take a holiday, or close, all the time.

And not as simple to close down a business as people say. Depends if you have debts and how business lease is set up. Many leases are in personal name even if limited company. We can’t afford to close without losing our house.

He needs to hire a manager.

Are people just not applying or does he never find one good enough to hire?

I think a lot of people here have no idea how difficult it is to run and business and keep staff at the moment.

There might be lots of people looking for jobs, but that doesn't mean they're a good fit for your business. It doesn't mean they have the skills or availability or experience needed to solve the DP's problem.

That being said, he needs to do something about his attitude. Both DH and I are self-employed and we don't behave like stroppy toddlers on our days off.

It's only harder to close, if people haven't done things properly.

I normally help people set up businesses, but I have helped close down.

Dancing, presumably then that is one of your long term goals, to change that over time, to make yourself less vulnerable.

My dad worked long hours 6 days a week and on a Sunday, about once a month we'd go on a day trip. The other Sundays he'd spend time with us at the park, testing our maths or making things. I miss him.

The prob today is we don't know how to live. I'm as guilty as the next person. Unless you have a new baby, cant sleep or have CFS (or other medical condition that means you are constantly tured) feeling tired is probably more of a mental state than a physical one. My hubby was undiagnosed ASD. He hated going out, so I went out on my own. It pissed me off no end, but I knew he wouldn't cope so just cracked on. My DCs are just 14m apart in age, so it was tough, but again how hard something is imo is a state of mind too.

Good luck, OP. Its hard being a single parent when you're not a single parent x

I don’t think many of us predicted covid. @Oblomov22 must be nice to be so smug. But thread not about me. I’m not complaining about my situation. Ive made things work and like OP I have my own well paid career.
Restaurant leases usually require personal guarantees.
A lot of people on here clueless particularly re staff. Good managers are like gold dust.

So if he's working 6 days a week and spends a chunk on his only day off in bed who's taking care of the kids?;doing the housework?,the cooking?,the laundry?the shopping?

It sounds like you do it all whilst working yourself (which I'm assuming you also have to source childcare for) and have a husband who's got one foot out of the door already.

Does he really need to work so much or is it somewhere to simply hide from the responsibility of having children especially a baby?

I think it'd hard work running your own business.however he is working not off cycling or whatever! Would you be able to get a babysitter and go away just one night even like a one off.you need to explain that you need family time.what about pre dc was he the same then .maybe he finds being a dad hard ?if you are working too surely he could ease back now and then. Sometimes just go our alone ,many people do this .

He may not be the sole/main earner but presumably his profitable business affords you a certain lifestyle together with your job so that any significant reduction would inevitably have an impact on you? Especially given rising costs, possible looming recession etc. Coupled with the pressure of working in an industry which was impacted for 2 years during covid.

Have you asked him if he's feeling a certain amount of pressure / responsibility / stress?

I understand your frustration op, I really do, as my dh has an all consuming job, but you are right in the trenches atm. Your dc are young and are waking at night. The hospitality sector has gone through hell and many restaurants, cafes and bars are hanging in there by the skin of their teeth. So your family is under a huge amount of stress and pressure.

It also sounds like your dh could be depressed. You don’t have to feel “sad” to be depressed, some people get angry and negative about everything. And push everyone away. Him not being able to tolerate the baby sitter in the house is a red flag here I think.

These suggestions are what I did to get us through the most pressured period of life with young dc:

-Encourage your dh to go and have a chat with the gp to take a depression test
-Take your dh away (if you can) overnight for a romantic/spa type of break to try and reconnect a bit without discussing the issue
-On a different occasion have a long honest conversation with him about how you are feeling on another occasion
-Agree to put in place six dates between now and Christmas , and during Christmas itself, when you expect a three line whip attendance from him, which will take the pressure off him the rest of the time
-Find a friend whose dh is in a similar situation with dc of a similar age to you and go out together on some “family” outings
-Give your dh a deadline by which this has to improve eg next Easter

Good luck op

That sounds tough. If he works so hard in hospitality socialising will feel like more of the same. There is a reason some professions experience more broken relationships than others. 😕
He needs to recharge but getting out and having a change of scene/some fun might be something else entirely, not seeing friends.
His life revolves around his work but it isn't simple to change professions, so somehow you have to make what you gave work if that can't change.
If you can make it work for now, but have an exit strategy for later it would be good, the current situation will be hard to keep up forever.

The clue is what you say about his dad. He actively wants you to be at home with the kids. He's recreating his parents' life. All this about feeling so sorry for him from so many posters and the attempts to paint you as the unreasonable one are just the usual misogynistic attitudes that enable these men.

It will not change. The choice for you is whether you just live your life without him and spend your precious family time sitting watching TV, or whether you find something more fulfilling.

Even when his business is less stressful, I bet he'll start prioritising his mates or his new hobby. Because that's what these men are like. They don't see family life or their wives as valuable as their 'single' life.

Some of the replies here are awful. I am in this situation only I own the business, not my husband. I employ people, use local businesses, contribute to the community, etc etc. To suggest closing a business signifies total ignorance of the current financial/economic situation in the country right now.

How would you explain to the families of your employees that you’ve just thrown them into poverty because you’re spouse wants you to go on a day out!!!!!

The business was there before he children and the OP chose to have a family knowing this. My husband would never dream of organising or committing my only day off to social activities, he appreciates I need to rest and recharge. This, in turn, makes me so much more receptive, when I know that he or my family really want me to do something.

I am not saying that the situation is good, it is very much not. Please give a thought to the poor person, working himself into the ground etc just trying to keep his head above water.

people are far to precious now, get on with life, support each other and be thankful that you have an income coming in. Your children won’t be small for long and things will get easier.

I know this isn't helpful to the op, but, you're not alone op - not me, but there are parents, generally the men, everywhere on family things out, that look like they would rather be anywhere but there. Bored and miserable. It doesn't excuse it, because the mother is often bored and miserable too, but has no choice other than to get on. Maybe we all just need to accept that whilst dc bring many positives to our lives, family outings with young children are boring, and then do with that what we will.

I really feel for both of you here op. Your dh must be scraping the barrel for what's he's got to give to anything and you're in a similar position for different reasons.
@Pheasantpluckersunite86 gives some great advice. Maybe setting an arbitrary deadline won't work as it must depend what else is going on how that could happen, but the rest of clearly defined times when no expectations will be on him mixed with some nice stuff for you all is good.
Whatever you do don't into a competition about who has it tougher, his burden is your burden and vice versa and try to tackle things together. But that might mean that one supports the other for a while.

How did you know about the competition ?? We always do this. Definitely unhelpful !

Running a restaurant and having young children sounds exhausting. I am sure things will improve as they get older.