Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

That day being the 1930's? Or a novel of some kind?

1970's when I moved there. Wealthy area in N Wales. The village had three jewellers. The ladies changed their cars every three years. Nine dress shops. 3 golf clubs within three miles. A different world for a southerner whose career brought them here. Lots of big fish in a small pond. The money came from the mills in Yorkshire, a national cinema chain, a national cigarette manufacturers, a national soup chain, an international tea importer. That's what I can recall instantly.

@Endofmytetherfinally

you have hit the nail on the head
you my woman are speaking facts and nothing but truth

amen to that

I never have a day off or rest days.. I’m mother, cleaner/chef, accountant, carer for my mother, taxi and the list goes on

never ever have I had a day off except when I was in hospital for a back injury over 6 years ago it was 2 weeks of bliss and pain 😂

Sounds like you need to have a conversation about the basics of how he sees family life and how you see it. From what you have said he is looking for a 'traditional' set up (can't think of a better way to phrase it) and that is not what you want.

You need those basics as a starting point, or you cannot move forwards.

No one really cares what you think. You’ve been trying to get the OP to notice you for a while.

Wise woman. We've done our own thing as and when. We have different interests. Never hold each other back works for us

@goldfinchonthelawn

I hate posts like this. Casually suggesting children live in a broken home just because things are tough while DC are small and everyone is overworked and exhausted.

But genuinely what is the point being married to someone who can't ever find time to do things with their spouse or children?

I get that family life on top of a job is sometimes utterly draining and exhausting, particularly if you are a business owner. But why stay with someone who has no interest in doing anything with you? Surely it's much better to live alone and be able to fulfil your own family expectations than spend your whole dancing around the fact that your SO never wants to spend time with you?

I can't see how people can square being married to or cohabiting with someone who doesn't like you or enjoy your company. Particularly if you don't need the money.

Sounds more like people who made their money and retired early - completely different to the OPs experience. Surely you don't think that all self-employed people "back in the day" lived that kind of life?

@Thepeopleversuswork I guess the point is that it doesn’t last forever. And in the example I gave earlier of my friend’s ex who did indeed end up running off with one of his waitresses, had that not happened my friend, the first wife and the first children would’ve had an excellent standard of living even if he wasn’t around much and as things grew, managers did come on board she would’ve had an even better standard of living. Short-term pain for long term gain.

The 2nd wife seems to have played it well

They did round here. Old man got on the Manchester club Train or lived away during the week earning the money. They certainly weren't retired. After the cattle sheep auctions if it had been a good result £££ wise the farmers wives would treat themselves to a nice outfit. The poor taxman had his work cut out there cash being king.

OK, so what you seem to be saying here in the example of your friend, the ex and the waitress is that it's worth sticking around with a lazy dullard who doesn't like you, doesn't want to spend time with you or your children and is shagging someone else, just to maintain a certain standard of living?

No thanks, I'll make my own money and support my own children, rather than stay with a cheating bore just to keep the money coming in.

@Thepeopleversuswork and good luck to you maybe you would be in a position to do, that maybe you wouldn’t … plenty of people women keep men around like some sort of expensive pet for all sorts of reasons societal acceptance, Family expectations who knows.

But the OP doesn’t seem to work so at least for now has circumstances suit her. She can re-evaluate if/when they don’t.

divorce is always expensive and always traumatic, as I said seven hours ago it’s just a case of weighing it all up.

@AuntSalli

What a depressing outlook to have on life. Women keep men around as some sort of “expensive pet”?

If I had a pet which was messy, lazy and disagreeable I would rehome it.

Oh dear - I suppose the OP just wants complete validation that she is in the right and no other opinion is welcome.

Not sure what you're on about trying to get OP's attention for a while. I posted twice. She replied. I still feel sorry for her husband.

I've been married to a Head Chef for several decades.

A few things.

The general public don't get how difficult it is at the moment in hospitality. I get it- it's so hard. BUT- there has always been staff shortages. Always. It's worse now- but honestly- it isn't going to get better anytime soon. Don't hang on in the hope it will. It won't. It really, honestly won't.

The only thing that is going to make it better is your OH. My husbands boss recognised that if he was to get a full team, he needed to think differently. If your OH reads the catering news, he will see that the successful companies are changing the way the treat staff. The company my OH works for now just closes for 2 days. Because the staff sickness, people not turning up never ends. Honestly. He is a very experienced HC and he has had people trying to head hunt all the time- but as soon as they approach him, he knows he will be doing 70-80 plus hours a week to make sure everything runs smoothly. If it's a wedding etc- as the Head Chef, you can't just not turn up. Until 3 years ago, he'd worked every single Christmas Day. The business has taken a hit but staff turnover is really low. Having 2 days away from the business makes such a difference.

It sounds like he's heading towards a burnout. I've seen it loads of times with chefs we know. Can't switch off- ordering food supplies at 11pm, missing family events. Marriage breakdown is common as well as too many drugs.

This will be hard for him to hear- but if he reads the Caterer magazine, he will realise the 'old model' of catering is becoming less and less sustainable.

My OH still works a lot of hours. However, he is always there for breakfast. He makes them a meal, they catch up about yesterday (they are both asleep when he gets home) they have a chat. It also means I get a shower, and get sorted for the day in peace. That is so important for me- going to the toilet in peace is a highlight of my day! He then also has a chill out day and then a family day. A family day might be taking the youngest to the allotment and helping the oldest with something. It might be a day out. Whatever it is- no work stuff.

But- I'm not sure you can change him unless he wants to change. When the kids were young, we had a common goal as we knew that when he achieved Rosettes, that would increase his earning capacity.

Then- we had a firm chat. I reminded him that out eldest was rapidly turning into a teenager and would likely not want to spend time with us anymore. And he would have missed everything. I pointed out that they turned to me for everything and he was just a passenger. He saw this and he made changes.

But- he wanted things to be different. Some in the industry love the thrill, the drama, the highs- they just can't leave it. Only you know which one your husband is.

Until then, you need to get used to being a single parent. Organise your own days with the kids, see the people you want to see, just carry on if he isn't there. It's brutal but it's far worse to look forward to something and spending time together and they can't come or are too tired. Make your life- and if he wants to join in, that's great. If not- well you need to have a good think and no amount of Mumsnet advice can make that decision for you.

Great post @ForestofD

I think it's possible to make it work with a spouse in hospitality BUT they have to want to make time for their family and there needs to be a realistic possibility that things will get better. It doesn't sound like the OP's husband fits the bill, he just thinks all of this is the way things should be.

My DH and I both worked in hospitality for a long time but gave it up when we had DC. I know it's not the same as owning a business but honestly, there is nothing in hospitality that is worth more than your own family. It's just food. It's just money. If it's destroying your relationship with your wife and children, it's not worth it.

@ForestofD 👏
Perfectly written

He sounds knackered. And depressed. Unhappy people are not always great to be around but it sounds like he’s working really hard to provide for you and your family. I work long hours too - often 6 day weeks and exhaustion does bring you down. All I want to do is veg when I’m at home. Luckily my kids are adults now. I suppose I did still go out and make an effort to have fun with them when I was off work but it was tiring!

I completely understand the problems of being in the hospitality business post covid regarding staffing etc but in my experience it’s sometimes down to the owner being unable to trust staff enough to step up to his standard. Has he got any family or friends who need work that could possibly step up and follow in his shoes? I know you’re on maternity leave but as the business is profitable, perhaps you could get a child
minder for one day a week and offer to help with the business? Just for a month or so as a trial to see if he can get the much needed ‘break’ he desires? It would also give you a break away from the children (I’m also on maternity leave at the moment and understand how lonely it can be especially if the partner isn’t around that much).

If he actually enjoys spending time with you all once you’ve done it, maybe just go ahead and plan things that he has to follow through with. Even just going to the park or something, the outdoors has been proven to increase mental health and it does sound as if he’s suffering. Even if he doesn’t want to do it before hand he might feel better for it afterwards. Making him do things on the days off may improve his long term physical health too, long term hospitality owners are prone to mental and physical health problems due to the high stress.

Goodluck with it all though.

He sounds like a complete and utter misery. Complains about everything. Drags you down all the time. Has refused individual or couple's counselling.

If work is making him miserable, he could actually make a career change, but the way you seem to say it's not even an option makes me think he wouldn't consider it. The fact is, if work is more important to him than family, you can't change that.

I don't think you have any choice but to end the relationship. You'd be so much happier without him.

How do you think he'd react if you asked him to leave?

How do you make a career change when you own hospitality business at times when it's hard to sell hospitals business

Or even rent it out.

Sounds like he's burning out. How many hours is he working and them you want family time on top - not feasible for anyone who values their mental health. Something has to give.
Either he works shorter hours and you cope with the impact on the business and finances or he does something else instead. How would be change the work situation? He might feel trapped and you're bashing him for being burnt out and over worked.

Can you do work at home hours so he doesn't have to work so many hours? Then easier to get family time.