Miserable husband never wants to do anything

[tantala]

My DH has a demanding job. He runs his own business in the hospitality industry. Early starts, late finishes. Often just one day off a week and sometimes, depending on staff shortages, not even that.

It's been this way for a long time.

On his rest days, he just wants to chill. I'm a chilled person too, so I don't mind staying home a lot.

But since we have children, it's become more tricky.

Whenever I mention doing something / seeing friends etc, he gets really negative about it. ' I guess we can, but it's not a beak for me'. Everything is a massive effort for him, I get it, but it just puts a damper on everything we do / plan to do and it just makes everything miserable, because ' it's not really a break for him '.. to go out for dinner or have family visit. Or take the kids to the playground. Everything is accompanied by a shitty attitude beforehand. Sometimes during the activity is fine, but the before ruins it for me.

I get it, he's really tired. I am too. Our children are tiny and I'm alone with them most of the time due to his schedule ( currently on Mat leave ).

I just don't know how to change it and what to do. The work situation is up and down, but it won't change. It's very much damaging our time together. I also get put off making any plans, because I know he

The competition thing is a fairly standard thing op. It's not good. It's the first step to divorce. The good marriages are the ones where the couple support each other and listen and want to make each other happier, the marriages set to end are those where there is no team work when it gets tough, just competitive who has it harder.

He's knackered and you're neglected, it's a vicious cycle at the moment and to resolve it you need to communicate with mutual respect regarding what the other is going through. I would not advise leading with the whole "selfish arsehole, shit dad" comments you always get here; those posters obviously have no idea either what it's like to own your own hospitality business in 2022, or what it's like to actually be passionate about the work you do. I'm married to my work to an extent - that's because I love what I do and feel very lucky that I can actually earn a living from it. The people I know who work in food and drink feel similarly.

Anyway, the solution is to find ways of doing family time that are ALSO relaxing for your husband and enable him to decompress. Not socialising - I can't emphasise that enough. If he works in hospitality he absolutely does not want to spend his day off going to dinner or seeing friends/family. That's not relaxing for him.

Do lower-key things - local walks, nature reserves, galleries, museums. Put the ball in his court and get him to make suggestions.

And you don't need to leave the house to have quality time. If he's knackered and wants to retreat to the sanctuary of his home for his one day off that's perfectly reasonable. When I've had busy weeks working out of the house, the idea that I have to be "out and about" on my day off makes me feel murderous. You can play board games, watch films, cook together, do gardening if you have one, listen to music with the kids, whatever your/their interests are. There's really no need to force knackered people out of the house.

I do absolutely agree with you here.

In our case it's about willingness and attitude though. I am a chilled person, with my own issues and don't want to drag him around constantly. I just would like him to be happier when he's with us. It's just all such a massive slog for him. He's got three weeks off at Christmas and we are making some plans, have some family visits etc and he's already moaning he won't get any break at all. I organise a babysitter to give us both a break and it's not right either.

He doesn't relax on his days off at home, because he tries to lie on the sofa watching TV while also helping with the kids a bit. The kids are young, it's really not relaxing or any kind of break he's actually having. One of them is always crying etc.. it's loud.. I do feel for him, but maybe hiring a baby sitter on the day he's off, wouldn't be such a bad idea? That way I can have a bit of an actual rest and so can he. I think that would help a lot actually !

OP has he tried agencies to cover sickness and holidays so he doesn't have to carry the burden every time?

To be honest, if you and your partner have vastly different outlooks on what you want your home life to be like, and you both cannot change/ compromise, then surely you need to look at whether this relationship has a future?

It's a common trap. I really feel for you both as this is a sign neither of you feel heard. Which itself is a sign that you're under pressure. Things can improve though, even if that improvement is you both become each others biggest advocate and supporter. Just that mental switch would help because of you both feel heard and understood even if his workload doesn't improve at least you know you have someone in your corner.
Start using the language of understanding, love and support. My dh and I have been in similar situation for different reasons and the only way to break that competition (which is toxic and will make things worse) was to create a culture of the opposite.
Validate him, his contribution, his exhaustion, his impossible position and it will make it easier for him to do the same for you.
Doesn't have to be a big long speech, just sprinkle your conversations with, little passing comments when relevant. It's uplifting to feel seen and heard by your partner. The opposite is true when you both are trying to emphasise how tough you've got it. Constantly hearing gripes drags you down.
It's not easy to break the cycle but try to start. We all know how kind it feels to get a hug after a tough day. It also then allows reciprocation.
Patience is needed though as if you've been wrung out like a dishcloth for too long it isn't simple to snap out of things.
@Kingoftheroad is right.

@Dancingintherain19 oh dear, what I said you really didn't like. I'm not smug, I have a very ordinary job, not lots of £.

But what I said I still think is true. Any accountant / financial advisor, in fact most people with any common sense, would always advise : a business owner to NOT place your family home in jepody, ideally. Or if you previously had, to at least work towards releasing it.

Or in any business, to recognise it's weakness, it's vulnerability, what stresses you out, (keeps you up at night worrying) and to work towards releasing /addressing that

Sorry you don't like that basic advice.

None of the posts on the thread have been nasty.

Many of us have seen this all before : 100's of threads on mn over the last 20 years: my stockbroker husband is married to the job/won't stop working/not interested in me or the kids.

If the solution was that easy, the threads wouldn't repeat, would they?

He doesn't relax on his days off at home, because he tries to lie on the sofa watching TV while also helping with the kids a bit. The kids are young, it's really not relaxing or any kind of break he's actually having. One of them is always crying etc.. it's loud

But this is true for all parents of young children. Whether you run a restaurant, sit in an office, stack shelves, whatever. You come home from work and it’s just more work, of a different kind. You don’t get to sit on your arse, that’s just life with young children. The good news is that it gets better as they get older.

He is a miserable, selfish, black cloud over the family. The worst thing is he doesn’t want to change, he won’t seek help, he just wants to continue being foul to be around and doing nothing towards his family’s life. You’re on mat leave, there’s a small baby in this somewhere. A small baby he has next to nothing to do with.

I know what I’d do and what I’d advise my friend or sister to do.

It sounds like he hasn't actually considered what having a family means.

Ask him what sort of bond he wants with his children, how does he want to be seen and the memories made by them.
Does he want them to remember him being a grump and having to go out with mum not forming much of a relationship or does he want to spend quality family time together doing things, making memories, having walks etc.

Also he needs to buck up this idea that he gets rest days......when you have young children nobody gets rest days! You might organise an hour or so of you time/hobbies etc or a rare night away but not every week full day "resting".
Ask him when he thinks you get a rest day......

These comments, including this one, are mental.

If I worked 6 days a week in hospitality, being a business owner, I'd be stressed and tired. Did you both know these circumstances before having kids?

What is your job OP and how are finances?

You both need equal downtime but beyond that it's hard to advise without understanding if there's financial pressure for him to work like this, why did you decide to have kids in a set up like this etc. Some posters are jumping to crazy conclusions already.

My moment of clarity came when he went away for a few days for a funeral. The kids and I had a whale of a time, picnics on the beach etc. was such a relief not to have him sucking the joy out of such simple pleasures and whining about HIS need for a lie-in/rest.

I left 6.5 years ago and the kids have very interest in visiting because all he does is work, sleep and moan.

school holidays now and we’re not out every day doing high-octane activities - but even a car-drive to explore somewhere new is possible without whining.

In terms of my husband, I feel like he just wishes he was left alone to grow his business etc. Confused his dad apparently didn't need to worry about home life etc. apparently everything was taken care of Bla Bla Bla

I think he's actually depressed because of me. Because I don't stand there with a cooked dinner in suspenders every night waiting for him. Because I ask him to change the odd nappy and get involved when he's home.

I actually think he’s a sexist prick. Not only does he want you at his service, keeping your trap shut when he wants and making no demands on him at all, he actually objects when you take steps to make it so you get a break too, for once.

Awful.

@Oblomov22 your posts come across as smug!
Fortunately when I said we’d lose our home and we would, we’d buy another one and still cover our expenses.
We have our own accountant and advisors so no need for yours. Please don’t derail the thread any further. I won’t respond to your comments again.

What is your husband like at work? He sounds so negative I wonder if he’s also negative at work. Understandably he pours a lot of himself into his business - his money, time, commitment and so on. The best advice someone I’ve gave me many years ago was that things can be ‘drainers’ as well as ‘gainers’ and you have to look at the investment in and commitment to things to see if overall they work out.

There are problems with staff shortages in hospitality at the moment, we understand that. But could his attitude also be permeating the atmosphere at work, and exacerbating the situation? Because it’s his business, is he critical of staff, for example? ‘It’s not a break for me doing things’ and minding the children = minding the staff who have their own thoughts and feelings just as you have.

Not sure if the issue is recruitment or retention or both, but if he’s a critical, moany or grumpy boss as well, then might that also be part of the problem? Places with a difficult boss get a rep for it. It sounds as if it’s become a vicious circle that’s difficult to get out of. He needs to evaluate the net satisfaction his work gives him as it doesn’t sound as if he actually enjoys it.

I’m also the daughter of a man who had a small business and was perma-tired as he worked all hours God sent - often even Sunday mornings. It was a solo business - no staff. But he ring-fenced his time with Mum and me, took us out and, painfully, sometimes (for he was a very shy man) socialised.

I'm sorry this may come across as harsh but I do think if you have children you have a responsibility not to spaff your free time up the wall by lying in bed every day and watching TV all the time. However busy you are. It's a bad signal to send your kids about what downtime is like.

Yes everyone deserves to chill, an occasional duvet day and a lie-in but you can't just unilaterally decide that you don't need to ever put in any quality time with your children and spouse.

I'm a single parent and I work 10 hours a day most of the time and sometimes I really don't want to socialise or arrange days out but you do it for your kids don't you? Not all weekend every weekend but you do it enough a) to show you care about them and b) that there's life beyond the TV and the sofa. You just get up, power through and get on with it. It's tough but its life.

I would have lost respect for him tbh.

Well, yeah, you have to wonder if he’d be like this whatever job he had. Perhaps the business isn’t the actual problem here.

If he won't consider counselling, then seriously consider it for just yourself. It will help clarify your thinking and identify potential strategies to improve life for you and your children.

Accepting that you simply don't get relaxing days in with small children however much you may want or need one is something that can take a while to accept. It does seem to take longer for a lot of men to really get this to be honest.

You need to speak to him also about what kind of father he wants to be and how he sees family life in the future.

currently it sounds like he’s not engaged at all and does not see himself in any active role other than earning money. Is this the life you want for your kids?

Whats going to happen when you go back to work? Will you be doing everything too?

Does he even realise he has kids and needs to step up? From what you’ve written his life hasn’t changed when he became a parent and he doesn’t want to.

And finally have the talk, then get on with your life with your children, make plans, see friends, book days out. Don’t waste their childhood and your life waiting for him to change.

Sounds depressed to me. Doesn’t your work have an employee assistance programme? Normally partners can access these via you free and get some support. I wonder if you’d consider him taking a proper break and doing a period of paternity leave himself. I understand if self employed he won’t necessarily get paid but if you are a high earner perhaps it’s an option. Give him some time to be a good dad and to consider what he wants to do next if he is also unhappy on the work front at the moment. It’s not failing, should he raise that, it’s making decisions for a better happier family life.

Totally this.

Mothers of small children never get to opt out of family life and live like students because they are tired.

Its pathetic tbh.

The phrase that stands out from one of your posts is 'mums are just mums'.

That sounds like he's never going to consider your needs as a Person!

Of course he could make a plan and change direction. People do that all the time.
But he sounds extremely set in his mindset. As pp have said time for a heavy discussion.. and ultimatum.

My friend has this exact problem. What she did was find a young girl who would help her in the home while she did chores, took a bath. Would go out with her to parks etc. Her self employed husband paid the girl through the business. It made life easier more organized cleaner in the home. You need an extra pair of eyes and hands just now.