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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another woman wearing DH’s shirt

257 replies

hidadsoup · 09/10/2022 20:21

Old friend of DH and his partner have been staying with us. She has done some washing and included my DH shirt in it, then has worn it because she liked it. I think this crosses boundaries and it made me uncomfortable, but AIBU?

yabu - it’s not big deal
yanbu - it’s not on

OP posts:
Solonge · 10/10/2022 09:51

hidadsoup · 10/10/2022 06:04

Sorry to have drip fed about them not being from UK. There is a wider context here but I wanted to see how this as a stand-alone act sat with others as it has kept returning to my mind and bothering me.

Shirt Stealer and her DP have been staying in an annexe/granny flat on our property since July, they are here to help DH with a project and are being paid although from my perspective they are basically getting paid for being on holiday.

the shirt was ‘just lying around’ according to DH so not like she was rifling through our laundry basket. However I am relieved that others agree her wearing it crosses a line as there have been a couple of other occasions where I have felt disrespected so I’m glad it’s not all in my head. We all went out for a day trip, DH paid for SS and her partners entry tickets and then once we got in SS and the DP offered to buy DH drinks but didn’t offer me. Several times I have come to see how the project is getting on, while I’m there SS or the DP offers DH a coffee and not me, to the point where I commented on this to DH and then the next time it happened he offered me one when they didn’t.

adding fuel to the fire is the fact that DH does fun stuff with them and doesn’t make time to do things with me and DS. He has just told me he wants to take them to see some castles, normally he Is too busy with work to do nice activities with us in the weekend so it feels hurtful he’s making time for them especially when they’ve been rude to me at times.

sorry for drip feeding/derailing the thread but it feels good to get that off my chest. Unfortunately DH hasn’t been very supportive with it all and they are meant to be staying until mid November

Regarding them offering coffee to DH and not you....if it happens again act like you have been asked...if DH accepts a coffee....just say 'yes...thanks I will have one too'....dont take the slights.... act like they have 'forgotten' to ask you....but always say yes to a drink, coffee or when your husband tells you he is taking them somewhere say 'great....DS and I will come too....we never go out together as you are always too busy, what a treat you are free when SS and hubbie are staying here...should be a great day out'.....dont let them, including DH, get away with anything.

Drinkinggreentea · 10/10/2022 10:12

Can we have a bit more context? Did she bring enough clothes? Is she attractive? Does she appear to be in love with her own partner? If she's not attractive and seems happy in her relationship then I wouldn't be thinking affair but otherwise it's weird.

Johnnysgirl · 10/10/2022 13:39

hidadsoup · 10/10/2022 06:04

Sorry to have drip fed about them not being from UK. There is a wider context here but I wanted to see how this as a stand-alone act sat with others as it has kept returning to my mind and bothering me.

Shirt Stealer and her DP have been staying in an annexe/granny flat on our property since July, they are here to help DH with a project and are being paid although from my perspective they are basically getting paid for being on holiday.

the shirt was ‘just lying around’ according to DH so not like she was rifling through our laundry basket. However I am relieved that others agree her wearing it crosses a line as there have been a couple of other occasions where I have felt disrespected so I’m glad it’s not all in my head. We all went out for a day trip, DH paid for SS and her partners entry tickets and then once we got in SS and the DP offered to buy DH drinks but didn’t offer me. Several times I have come to see how the project is getting on, while I’m there SS or the DP offers DH a coffee and not me, to the point where I commented on this to DH and then the next time it happened he offered me one when they didn’t.

adding fuel to the fire is the fact that DH does fun stuff with them and doesn’t make time to do things with me and DS. He has just told me he wants to take them to see some castles, normally he Is too busy with work to do nice activities with us in the weekend so it feels hurtful he’s making time for them especially when they’ve been rude to me at times.

sorry for drip feeding/derailing the thread but it feels good to get that off my chest. Unfortunately DH hasn’t been very supportive with it all and they are meant to be staying until mid November

So it's not just about her behaviour with the shirt, your dh is happy to watch them regularly disrespecting you whilst spending more of his leisure time with them than you and your child? 🙄

Poppingmad123 · 10/10/2022 17:57

Definitely making a play for your husband, cheeky mare! Do they have history?

PlntLady · 10/10/2022 17:58

Logically it's just a shirt and makes no sense to feel that way.

However.... I had a friend stay with me for a bit and she did something very similar with my boyfriend's shirt. I asked her not to and she lost it telling me I'm ridiculous. A year or so later a mutual friend told me she had admitted to her is was deliberate and she had done it in a bid to make a play for my boyfriend.

CambsAlways · 10/10/2022 18:12

Massive red flag! She fancies him! Wearing his shirt is to me showing you she doesn’t think you are a threat! She is fucking weird and DH should be stepping in here and asking what the hell she’s playing at!

cherish123 · 10/10/2022 18:16

Very weird behaviour.
Sounds over confident and quite immature. Does she fancy your DH. Some women will happily through themselves at married men.

GUARDIAN1 · 10/10/2022 18:18

I wouldn't have that AT ALL. She's completely out of order.

pollymere · 10/10/2022 18:49

I don't even wear DH shirts without asking him and we've been together over twenty years. It's a weird, slightly possessive thing to do and CF at best. My DH wouldn't care who wore his clothes and probably wouldn't get the creepy undertones but has said it feels weird because it's an invasion of privacy. And that if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then actually that's the part that really matters. It doesn't matter why, more that it does...you don't need to justify your feelings about something.

Heliotroper · 10/10/2022 18:52

weird is being generous

my guess is that she wanted you and DH to have different reactions as she likes those sort of mind games

it is always hard to figure out the details of manipulative peoples minds but they want to sucker you into it.

best just refuse to put up with it

awomanofthecuntytype · 10/10/2022 18:53

JennyForeigner · 09/10/2022 20:30

That's just weird. Is she going to drive your car away because she likes the mileage?

I think she's planning to whisk the husband away because she likes something else. Granted, her being from a different (more open/relaxed) culture may be a mitigating factor, but I would be very displeased and would suspect her motives. Given that she and her DP can't even be bothered to offer you a coffee, I'd be inclined to find a way to send them packing.

HB8 · 10/10/2022 18:55

I would say she is definitely out of order what a tramp

AmyDudley · 10/10/2022 18:56

Mad behaviour she's obviously making some kind of point - God knows what.
Raid the granny annex, put on all her DPs clothing including his shoes and walk and act bemused if anyone mentions it, shrug and say 'I like them'.

Pedallleur · 10/10/2022 19:02

Bleach, shirt, terrible accident. Oh dear.

Lovely13 · 10/10/2022 19:02

I would regard this as akin to a dog marking its territory. Beware!

FormAnOrderlyQueue · 10/10/2022 19:10

KeepOutingMyselfAnotherNameChange · 09/10/2022 20:44

It screams affair and she's seeing how far she can push her luck.

Sorry OP, but this.

NannaKaren · 10/10/2022 19:16

She’s a cheeky Bint and needs to be out of your house asap !

OldFan · 10/10/2022 19:18

YANBU it's something a girlfriend would do.

Them not making/offering you drinks is weird.

If he has time to go on trips out, he should mainly do it with you and DC.

I suppose it's only about 5 weeks till they leave, so you could count down the days. x

ScarlettnotOHara · 10/10/2022 19:23

Sorry but I feel there is more than just a shirt being shared here! Really odd!

Everyflippingusernameistaken · 10/10/2022 19:28

definitely!

Agehdidbfkgjsgwgzbzk · 10/10/2022 19:30

You are being totally blind to this I think and I honestly believe she is after your husband walking around in his shirt so she can be noticed by him in it and so he can see how good she looks in it she has NO respect for you certainly not about your feelings I would get her gone asap before any real damage gets done.

Belle82 · 10/10/2022 19:57

ThanksMateThanksMate · 09/10/2022 21:02

She's engaging in some power play and sounds like an arsehole.

Definitely this!
I knew a girl like this once, she would flirt with all of her boyfriends friends (my husband being one of them). And once wore her underwear around the house, my best friend was staying and she asked her WTF are you doing and her response, I can wear what ever I want in front of him.
she got married since and that broke down because she was having an affair with another married man 🤦🏻‍♀️

She may otherwise come across very nice but I’m completely with on this one @ThanksMateThanksMate

DaughterofDawn · 10/10/2022 20:01

Belle82 · 10/10/2022 19:57

Definitely this!
I knew a girl like this once, she would flirt with all of her boyfriends friends (my husband being one of them). And once wore her underwear around the house, my best friend was staying and she asked her WTF are you doing and her response, I can wear what ever I want in front of him.
she got married since and that broke down because she was having an affair with another married man 🤦🏻‍♀️

She may otherwise come across very nice but I’m completely with on this one @ThanksMateThanksMate

Show quote history

Honestly that sounds a bit like bipolar disorder. She is sabotaging herself while being a high off the short term adrenaline rush. But she can’t be happy like this. Sad. But it’s hard to empathize when she is trying to destroy your happy family.

vanilli78 · 10/10/2022 20:11

Bit odd! I wouldn’t like it. Would be different if she’d asked to borrow a big t shirt to slob around in or something..but to take and wear without asking…overstepping the mark.

Felicity42 · 10/10/2022 20:24

They seem to treat your DH as their Dad and you are the pesky little sister who's around some of the time but largely ignored.
So yeah it's rude and dismissive of them.