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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another woman wearing DH’s shirt

257 replies

hidadsoup · 09/10/2022 20:21

Old friend of DH and his partner have been staying with us. She has done some washing and included my DH shirt in it, then has worn it because she liked it. I think this crosses boundaries and it made me uncomfortable, but AIBU?

yabu - it’s not big deal
yanbu - it’s not on

OP posts:
LicoricePizza · 10/10/2022 02:21

Loving shag-adjacent as a new phrase (to me anyway!).

We need to know how she just so happened to wash his shirt? Or was it already drying & she “borrowed” it? More detail please!

Cayenneshiloh · 10/10/2022 03:06

Dear OP.
i hate to be the bearer of bad news but there are possibly 2 things happening here.
I apologize to say this but sounds like there is an affair and she is using it to taunt you. DH friend is a Smokey mirror to hide the relationship between DH and the woman and that’s why DH is quick to brush it off. Investigate those 2. Something is fishy.

OR and I prefer for this one to be the correct one but doubtful - she fancies DH and wants to mess up with your head.

Take a step back. Observe. Investigate discreet Lu. And my polite advise. Never have those 2 as guests again in your house no matter what.

lannistunut · 10/10/2022 03:09

custardbear · 09/10/2022 20:56

I'm assuming she fancies him

My first thought is she wants her own partner to notice this.

BeckyGoLightly · 10/10/2022 05:06

She's doing the classic 'look how small and sexy I look in your clothes. When I take it off I will leave it with my scent so you can wank into it later thinking of me'. I don't think central American culture includes wearing a taken man's shirt. A shirt sits against his back and chest it's intimate. It's not like she borrowed his socks (unhygienic) or a hat for a practical reason like a sunny day.

Original poster
hidadsoup · 10/10/2022 06:04

Sorry to have drip fed about them not being from UK. There is a wider context here but I wanted to see how this as a stand-alone act sat with others as it has kept returning to my mind and bothering me.

Shirt Stealer and her DP have been staying in an annexe/granny flat on our property since July, they are here to help DH with a project and are being paid although from my perspective they are basically getting paid for being on holiday.

the shirt was ‘just lying around’ according to DH so not like she was rifling through our laundry basket. However I am relieved that others agree her wearing it crosses a line as there have been a couple of other occasions where I have felt disrespected so I’m glad it’s not all in my head. We all went out for a day trip, DH paid for SS and her partners entry tickets and then once we got in SS and the DP offered to buy DH drinks but didn’t offer me. Several times I have come to see how the project is getting on, while I’m there SS or the DP offers DH a coffee and not me, to the point where I commented on this to DH and then the next time it happened he offered me one when they didn’t.

adding fuel to the fire is the fact that DH does fun stuff with them and doesn’t make time to do things with me and DS. He has just told me he wants to take them to see some castles, normally he Is too busy with work to do nice activities with us in the weekend so it feels hurtful he’s making time for them especially when they’ve been rude to me at times.

sorry for drip feeding/derailing the thread but it feels good to get that off my chest. Unfortunately DH hasn’t been very supportive with it all and they are meant to be staying until mid November

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 10/10/2022 06:38

YANBU

You don’t wear other peoples clothes without asking regardless of their sex or whether they’re in a relationship or not.

You need to go and wear some of her clothes now because she obviously has no problem sharing clothes.

DonnaDonna0 · 10/10/2022 06:39

OP sorry but you have a DH problem.
Everything you said says there is something there, your husband prefers time spent with them than his family.

MeridianB · 10/10/2022 06:44

So many questions! How much longer are they staying OP?

Did he pay to fly them over? Are they buying and cooking their own food? Is SS the one DH knew/employed or them as a couple.

Something feels off about SS.

Marmite17 · 10/10/2022 06:57

Used to wear partners comfy jumpers partly due to smell. Maybe tmi!
Does sound odd, especially when washed!

Marmite17 · 10/10/2022 07:04

The doing fun stuff with them but not me would p me off.

TakeTheLowRoad · 10/10/2022 07:10

Start making them feel unwelcome. Next time you see them start mentioning their leave date and start repeatedly commenting on them leaving soon.

TakeTheLowRoad · 10/10/2022 07:11

OMG Beckgolighjtly is soooooooooooo right.

Suzi69 · 10/10/2022 07:13

Why did your DH pay for their entry tickets on the day trip? I wouldn’t like that. Do they ever pay for him? Sounds like they’ve become friends for DH not just work colleagues and she would like more; wearing his clothes is intimate, what a cheek.
Do you think they’ll definitely leave in mid November? If so at least the end is in sight but how far away will they go? Hopefully the other end of the country or ideally another country? The whole scenario sounds very intrusive; you need to make it clear to DH that they’re not staying again.

purfectpuss · 10/10/2022 07:25

Yeah, it's a way of being flirty with your DH

MsDogLady · 10/10/2022 07:28

@hidadsoup, I’ve read your update and I don’t like this at all. You do have an H problem.

It sounds like these 3 have formed a validation triangle while sidelining you. You’ve been excluded and disrespected. Instead of aligning himself with their agenda and investing his ‘fun’ energy in them, he should be channeling that respect/time/attention into you and DS.

Re SS, she has had plenty of time to crush on your H, and the shirt stunt was an intimate and territorial move. She also wanted to goad you. Have they ever had any alone time?

The dynamic here is (understandably) making you uncomfortable in your own surroundings. Lines are being crossed and you’re being disrespected. I wouldn’t tolerate this any longer, and would be reading H the the riot act. SS and her H need to be sent on their way asap.

custardbear · 10/10/2022 07:29

TakeTheLowRoad · 10/10/2022 07:11

OMG Beckgolighjtly is soooooooooooo right.

Yep!
But your husband now sits in not such a glowing light either. He's either a bit gormless and has t noticed the clear dismissive attitude towards you, albeit I don't understand why your DH is paying for their tickets, but WTAF not buying you and your son drinks ... honestly I'd be furious but you've got to get your DH head into gear as he's either not seeing this or he's shagging her

TheRubyRedshoes · 10/10/2022 07:31

Extremely intrusive whatever the culture and definitely strange the whole set up.

I would have made a thing of it, nicely and stressed that in UK it's a sign of flitting and intimacy wearing a man clothes and it's often in films. Say in UK it's something no woman would dream of doing.

If they don't go in November I'd be kicking off

TheRubyRedshoes · 10/10/2022 07:34

And I would have said this Infront of her partner.

SleeplessInEngland · 10/10/2022 07:35

Interesting how many of you think affair or she fancies DH.

It’s mumsnet, where every woman is a potential Other Woman.

CuriousMama · 10/10/2022 07:41

Definitely a dh problem. They'd be getting the fuck away if it were me.
I wonder what your dh is saying to them about you? Is he from the same country? They obviously have absolutely no respect for you at all.
Is your dh your son's father?

All sounds very wrong.

Saracen · 10/10/2022 07:43

I'd be very bothered by her helping herself to something which belongs to her hosts without asking. I wouldn't be any more bothered about her stealing my husband's shirt than my shirt though. She's just rude.

Saracen · 10/10/2022 07:44

and especially rude of her after your DH told her that the shirt has sentimental value to him!!!

diddl · 10/10/2022 07:49

Bloody hell!

I'm wondering if she thinks that your husband fancies her!

Either way he treats you terribly.

Are they there to work, as friends?

Too much crossover!

ChristmasCwtch · 10/10/2022 07:55

Does she fancy your DH by any chance? It’s quite an intimate gesture and weird thing to do...

I discovered that one of my best friends (a married guy) was having an affair with one of our female colleagues when we were all at the gym together and she reached over and drank from his water bottle 🫣 Neither of them thought anything was wrong with that until he saw my face 😟

QS90 · 10/10/2022 07:58

The t-shirt thing is a bit odd, although to be honest wouldn't bother me as I'm always pinching other people's clothes that I live with / am visiting (usually my own partners a female friend, parents or brothers though). It comes from being disorganised :(

The other issues sound like a bigger deal to me though, like the drinks thing. It's extremely rude to buy a round of drinks / coffees for a group and pointedly exclude one person. I'd talk to DH about all the things that are bothering you (including but not limited to the t-shirt). He should understand and be supportive of you. If he takes this woman / couple's side I'd be very suspicious indeed. Might not be a sex thing (could he owe them money?) but sounds like you need to get to the bottom of whatever it is, especially if they're there for weeks more!

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