To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

[drelo2]

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

Wipe the floor with the rapey bastard.
Basically.

He’d have his phone taken away for a while as a start and I’d probably make him apologise to the girl properly. It doesn’t matter if he the instigator or not, he was complicit in coercing the girl and sounds like he didn’t do much to prevent it.

For starters I’d want you to go through all his tech to see if he has saved images on there from this time or other occasions and if he’s been harassing other girls for nudes.

Take the phone away. He’s clearly not mature enough nor responsible enough to have one.

Then have a serious chat about consent and boundaries as clearly he has no respect for those or doesn’t understand them either.

Slap him round the head, remove his phone, remove any other privileges then sit him down and have a serious talk about respect, consent, the legalities of sharing nudes (especially when under 16).

At this age social pressure would end this sort of behaviour- I’m pretty sure your son is lying about asking to do something else.

Firstly make them aware this is a crime and then you should read all the messages yourself and no rely on someone else’s explanation of the situation.

Report this to the school, as a sex crime has been committed.

As other have said and also go speak with his friends parents with the friend and your son there and then straight round as a group of parents to the gf house to apologise in person and hope that the gf parents do not contact the Police.

Christ I'd be furious if this was one of mine, in my head I'd want to neuter the little bugger.

I fully agree with removing his phone and sitting him down - with his dad too if possible - and having a very firm, clear discussion about consent. I wouldn't be accepting fibs about his level of involvement either - if he was aware it was going on, he should've spoken up.

The talk around informed consent is widespread these days, he can't plead ignorance.

The gf could report him to the police.

I'd certainly be considering it

I only have a son, but you should definitely not accept him blaming his friend in this situation. He made the choice to engage in this predatory behaviour and you need to get on top of it now.

What a horrible thing to find out your child has done. He definitely shouldn’t have a phone.

IMO it's part of a larger more ongoing discussion about what is appropriate and how we can be influenced by others and influence others (both negatively and positively).

I would want him to understand that even if it was instigated and pursued by his friend, he was there and could have/should have stood up for the girl. If the friend wouldn't listen he could have chosen to leave. Staying in the group chat implies he was ok with it.

Explaining the permanency of photos and the knock on effect, the unwillingness to accept a 'no' and the danger of this is also important. It depends on your relationship with him and how willing he is to listen.

Recently a poster suggested teaching yes means yes as no means no implies consent unless told otherwise which isn't true.

Does he have a female relative you could compare the situation to? Sometimes it's easy to dismiss if the person isn't someone they are invested in as it were.

I have a DD & DSs.

I'd talk thru with DS why this was unpleasant & he needs to tell his friends as much.

If DD were in that convo I'd be asking her why the heck she didn't get off the convo & stop letting herself be hassled. That's not blaming her, it's trying to upskill her to terminate the interaction faster & stand up for herself. Don't engage with people behaving like numpties.

Parent of a DS and a DD. If it was DS I would go through his phone immediately to see what eelse he had been up to. Ask him how and why he thought that was acceptable and then give him the bollocking of his life. Remove privileges and then set about educating him. Maybe some documentaries and podcasts as I wouldn't want it not to be repeated because he was scared of punishment bit because he truly understood it was wrong. Then a heartfelt apology to the girl. I would probably also remove Snapchat or any other apps with disappearing messages and continue with random phone checks.

If he asked the friend if they could do something else the girl would be aware of this surely ? As she hasnt mentioned this important fact it seems to point to your DS being a liar as well as an abuser. Not a good prospect for future relationships.
I would go absolutely mad at him and he would be under illusion that he was an abusing bully . I would expect his Dad to be fully involved in deciding and carrying out the punishment.
He would lose the phone and any independent internet access and be expected to apologise in person to the girl and her mother at the very least.

Id be fucking fuming.

No phone
No allowance
Grounded/forbidden to see ANY friend off the group chat outside school
Given a huge lecture about consent etc - make him go away, research it and write a 1000 word essay.

You need to make it really clear to him how serious this is OP.

Why apologise to the mother?

Absolutely apologise to the girlfriend (potentially in front of her mum) but he was abusive and predatory towards the girl not the mum (unless I’ve missed something) and she deserves to be the full focus of any apology.

Firstly an apology to the girl. Then you check through his phone, make sure you have full access to everything on there. The phone gets confiscated, how long for depend on what you find. If there are saved inappropriate photos then it needs to be confiscated for a very very long time.
Then he needs a very serious conversation with both his parents about the dangers of what went on at his friends house, and how lives can be ruined.
Finally he should be informed that going to that particular “friend’s” house is now finished. And in fact that he won’t be going anywhere for a while.

They aren’t “nudes”. That makes them sound like legal, tasteful, arty pictures.

if she’s under 16 they’re indecent images of a child, and could get him into serious trouble. It’s also control and coercion.

I’d be down the school speaking to the safer schools officer and get them to arrange some sessions around sending illegal images, consent, and coercive control. I’d also be on the phone to the girls mum promising to remove your son’s smartphone and go through everything so you can remove any saved images, and report any shared to the police. It’s likely the police won’t take it further, but they may be able to request images are taken down if they’ve been posted anywhere.

School Safeguarding Lead here. I would definitely want to know about this. I would be able to signpost all parents involved to resources around consent and healthy relationships, support the victim and make sure she knew what to do if she was ever harassed for nudes again in future, I would also meet with the kids HOY and suggest doing something with the whole year group around sexting, consent and how being a 'bystander' makes you complicit and is not ok. We have previously gotten a local PCSO to come in and talk to groups of lads who have engaged in similar behaviours about why their behaviour is unacceptable and possibly criminal. I would be advising you to look through your DS's phone to see if there is anything more going on.

I’d go through his phone in detail and I’d explain I was doing it because this is criminal behaviour territory. I’d then sit him down with his Dad and go through the impact on the girl and the legal implications of getting involved in this behaviour in excruciating detail. I’d consider replacing phone with cheap Nokia.

If it was my DD on the receiving end then I’d want (if she did) an in person sincere apology.

How would you want the attempted sexual exploitation of your underage son to be handled?

Remove phone, no future access to phone with a camera. Look at ALL history, ensure there are no pictures of girls on there (is she their first victim springs to mind?)

Speak to the school and show them the evidence of what went on so all boys in the group get dealt with and the school knows the potential of each as a sexual predator and any further accusations that come forward against them will hopefully be taken more seriously.

Ask school to check with girls at school if similar things have happened to them.

Son no longer allowed to socialise with the boy he claims is ringleader - if your son is so easily led and was against this behaviour he should welcome that enforced separation.

Educate your son about sexual exploitation and the harm it does.

Forgot to say, your DS and his mates also need to be advised that if any of them have sent the image onto anyone else (which I'm sure they'll deny but it happens all the time) then they would be guilty of distributing an indecent image of a child, which is a sexual offence. The fact that they are also underage does not make it legal.

Take phone off your DSs and hand it to the police