To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

[drelo2]

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

You don’t assume he’s left the group - you tell him to show you where the group was on his phone.
You also go through his history and deleted posts.
And you show him how mad you are and that this is a line he can’t go over again.
You then ask the mum what she wants to happen - if the girl wants an apology then he should apologise in front of you all.

I wouldn't be sending him to football then. He doesn't get to sexually harass a girl and then carry on as normal.

This is serious and could have far reaching consequences, stop making excuses for your ds. He needs to quit the excuses and see that this is serious, I’d speak with the school and they can probably arrange for the police to speak to him to hammer home just how serious this is.
Remove his phone and other privileges, it would be sometime before I trusted him with a smart phone.

As the mother of a daughter I wouldn't have contacted you. The police would.
As deputy safeguarding lead I agree with the comments by the poster above who is safeguarding lead.

Remove his phone, Xbox, computer, anything computer/screen. No tv in his bedroom. If he has to do schoolwork he does it in the kitchen with the screen facing you. I’d go absolutely ballistic.

Just to say that if the girl is under 18 (not 16) then it can and would possibly lead to charges of possessing images of underage child abuse.

i have had to report similar to the police through my role at work and if the girl was to mention it to someone in a position of authority eg camhs, school, nhs etc they would have to do the same.

basically it doesn’t matter how old he is if the girl is under 18 it is a criminal offence and as such I would ensure that he knew the implications of this (criminal record, sex offender register etc) and treat him appropriately.

www.victimsupport.org.uk/you-co/types-crime/online-crime/sexting/

This same scenario happened to a neighbours child (a DS) and the police were called and he and parents spoken to. Needs to have all the adults involved taking action to stamp it out.

You have to impress on DS the maxim "if you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem" - if he doesn't help, he's complicit

Parent of a DD and DS here

If this was DS I'd be fuming. He'd have all phone/ tech removed immediately and I'd be having a strong conversation with him about respect/ consent and how being a creepy little pervert won't end well for him.

I actually had a conversation with DD (13) about this kind of thing recently as she'd been reading a book in which a girl sends a topless photo of herself to someone so she opened the conversation up about it. She was perplexed as to why anyone would ever do it but we spoke about peer pressure etc. I did come away from the conversation feeling fairly sure she'd tell anyone who asked her for such a thing to fuck off!

The only way this culture will change is if they get called out on it. They need shaming and they need other boys/ men to speak up.

This, in spades.

He needs consequences, as well as the discussions and riot act reading others have indicated.

OP @drelo2 I think a lot of posters on here have misread your OP and think it was your DS who was sending the requests for nudes...

I would be more concerned with the fact my DD thought she had to had to show them something than inform me first and my priority would be how to help her to protect herself more.

I'd be talking to him about setting and keeping his own boundaries, and not being drawn into inappropriate behaviour by other people. I'd also be asking the mum of the young woman who was harassed to go to the police, to ensure that this is properly dealt with now.

You would be more concerned about the fact your daughter felt coerced into showing something than your rapey son bombarding a child for nudes consistently with his mates?

OK then.

They made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though

THEY made a group char to harrass her.

Your ds is clearly aware his phone will be checked and has deleted in advance. I have mixed feelings on these but you can get apps that record deleted info off phones. Might be worth consider at least temporarily until he proves himself trustworthy again.

If DD were in that convo I'd be asking her why the heck she didn't get off the convo & stop letting herself be hassled. That's not blaming her, it's trying to upskill her to terminate the interaction faster & stand up for herself. Don't engage with people behaving like numpties

She LET herself be hassled???? She is a fucking child. Victim blaming much? You would tell your son it was fucking "unpleasant" ????

Sweet Jesus.

No, the question was as the parent of the DD how would you want this handled. So it wouldn’t be my “rapey son”.

Unfortunately most young people don't see this stuff as a big deal. Girls expect to get requests for nudes, and to receive dick picks, it's disgusting but it is where we are now, with porn being so mainstream and people oversharing on social media. Calling them nudes makes it seem less harmful, I think as a society we need to be very clear about how damaging and intrusive all this shit is.

It sounds as though your ds is in the same year as my dd. My question would be is what is his currency. Whatever he likes best of all, that’s what you take away. The only caveat to that would be if he is autistic and uses that thing as a means to calm himself. So for example, you say he likes football, is this an obsession? He needs this taken away from him for a while in any case. But anything else? Grounded. Straight home from school. No phone in bedroom. No Xbox and so forth. Wifi cut at x time.

Half term is coming up. How are you going to handle that?

So you would be more concerned with the fact she felt coerced and showed something than with the 3 lads that bombarded her with messages asking her to??

Wow.

OP you must feel absolutely dreadful and well done on asking for advice.
my DS did something similar to so I do understand. I was so ashamed and upset.
Absolutely read the riot act, no phone and agree with someone else about explaining how he would feel if it were a sister / cousin etc. I lost trust in my son and he was heavily monitored and had no social media for a long time.
I do genuinely believe my DS has learnt a very valuable lesson and has matured a lot. He is remorseful especially as he looks at his younger sister who is growing up and equates it to her. I hope yours will to but please believe he most own his actions as until this he cannot learn.

I do not think so. He still needs punishment.

The op said her ds was part of a group chat with his friend and the girlfriend, and that it was mainly the friend that was sending the requests, so her ds was involved.