To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

[drelo2]

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

Where is your son's father in all this?

Nope, we’ve read the OP correctly and understood that her DS was complicit in creating a group chat in which a girl was pressured to share indecent images of herself; we’ve understood that her DS did nothing to stop this happening, including reporting that it was happening; we’ve understood that the OP has since had a chat with her DS about ‘boundaries’ in a rather feeble way. I think we’ve understood plenty.

Hi OP, the first thing I would do is remove all tech and have a thorough search of it. I would also ask the girl's mother to forward to you the messages the boys sent. I'd want to know all the facts first.
Then punish and educate. I'd certainly remove his phone and laptop except for homework and all social privileges for at least 6 weeks. I'd also want him to spend some of his new free time reading about online harassment and its effects. And a written apology to the girl and her family explaining this.

i have teenage sons and daughters, and its sad how often the nudes things crops up. You absolutely have to read him the riot act. The fact that this girl hes asking is officially and legally a child, means that he could get done for being in possession of child porn (yes i know its not the correct term, but you have to say it in ways to get the message across) and tell him that the age of consent for taking nude pictures is actually 18, not 16 (and no, you dont make the rules) and also tell him very clearly, that him and his mate were sexually harrassing their friend, and no matter how much he wants to downplay it now, he didnt try and stop his friend, and he actually joined in, so him trying to put the blame on him now is no excuse. Ask him how the fuck he thinks his friend feels that her two friends have now been sexually harrassing her and trying to groom her, when she thought they were mates. Tell him what a bloody horrible wake up call that is for girls of this age to realise they can barely even be mates with boys without them turning rapey and gross. That if this ever happens again, then you will go to the police yourself. That you brought him up better than this and that he has brought shame and that he needs to apologise to the girl, and it needs to be a proper apology, and that his "mate" is not allowed round the house again because he clearly isnt a good influence or a good person.

OP with all due respect you sound delusional & an apologist for your sons Rapey behaviour. I really really hope the girl & her parents call the police, maybe your son being charged and being put on a sex predator register will clarify your mind a little.

For god sake wake up.

Or he's just hidden the group well.

I think he needs to be banned from football and school need to be notified that he's not to spend time socially with this friend. I know they can't enforce it really but he'll probably be mortified by being publicly called out on it.

Take his phone off him and ground him. Tell him there's a chance the speak will want to speak to him. Tell him exactly what his and his friends actions would be labelled as in a court of law.

I find this incredibly distressing as a mum of girls. I think the safeguarding lead’s suggestion is the right way. He isn’t acting like he cares or sees the problem. He will think you’re being awful and unreasonable for years but in the long run you will have done your bit to educate him and his peers. That poor girl.

Im approaching middle age and would find a group of men my own age doing this incredibly humiliating and degrading, let alone if I was 15 year old.

You need to put your foot down now. Take his phone off him. Explain to him in simple terms 'rape' 'indecent images' 'police' and 'prison'.

He's totally playing you.

Where is his Dad is all of this?

WHAT??? You absolute idiot, of course there is, what a stupid fucking comment!

I think that poster meant “child pornography” is not the appropriate term. They’re “Images of Child Sexual Abuse”.

terminology is important.

tbh though, it needs tackling from both sides. The girl needs support to understand she can leave these conversations and tell them to fuck off. Girls do need to learn skills to fend off advances. Its so important. I remember growing up and being more worried about hurting boys feelings by rejecting them than i did about my own right to say no. Its not victim blaming imo because noones actually got to the stage of being a victim. It doesnt always work of course and women and girls do end up doing things they dont want to do all the bloody time, but in the current culture with liberal feminism and sex positive bullshit, girls need to be empowered as much as ever.

I also after about girls being taught to not be coerced into this sort of thing...we have told DD to just tell people to fuck right off immediately if and when this crops up.

Agree with all of that. This is sensible advice. Just because your son was not the perpetrator (as far as you are aware) does not mean he was not complicit, nor that he should not be made to understand how unacceptable this is.

It is hard for young males - awash with hormones and no outlet for this. But they have to know that women have absolute autonomy over their bodies (as indeed they do) and any deviation from that principle in any degree is entirely unacceptable.

You must be feeling very disappointed in your son at the moment, which must be a challenge for you. No parent wants to know this about their child. But you have no choice about coming down hard on this. Peer pressure is very real and the opinion of their peers matters to them more than anything - a lot of bad things happen because of this. Some hard talking now, particularly about the legal side of things, will hopefully pay dividends for the future. I hope you can resolve all this as speedily as possible.

That is not what the poster said.

What crime would this be?

I’d remove the phone and not allow him to go to friends’ houses for 3 months. Plus apologise to the girl. Then I’d get a man he respects to talk about standing up to peer pressure and doing the right thing.

Stop the friendship. Your DS should have walked away when this started.

Yes it is what they meant. The words child pornography shouldn't be used. There is no such thing. As the pp said. Terminology is important. You misinterpreted what they meant.

I would be absolutely furious with my son and take him to apologise to the girl immediately.

Jesus Christ. You need to make a huge huge deal of this and scare the living daylight out of his.

Definitely go through tech

Right……. Overreacting is as problematic as underreacting in this situation.

Unfortunately this terminology is still used in court even, I have seen it on transcripts. It is used on news reports also so to be fair to the poster who said it I imagine they didn't know. Obviously it shouldn't be used in any capacity at all.

There's a lot of pussy footing around and wanting to phone the school.
If it has happened as described then there's no grey area. A sex crime has been commuted.
Why would you not take it to the police?

Maybe as a parent you should take responsibility for your sons behaviour.

@Queuesarasarah yup. Women excusing rapey male behaviour is exactly why we are where we are.
Yet another mother of sons I presume... say no more sweetie.
Literally no one on this thread except you thinks this is ok. Several pp have mentioned the police & safeguarding leads etc.

You are downplaying wicked complicity (at best) and sexual photographs of a minor being shared online by op son at worst.
This is horrific

You cannot know what they meant because you are not the poster who wrote it. You assume they did not mean that but you do not know for definite. And yes, there is such a thing as child pornography 🙄

UK law defines child pornography as indecent images of children – those aged under 18. Such images do not have to show the subject being sexually assaulted or molested – if a child is naked and the image is emphasising their genitals or involves provocative posing, this can be classified as indecent.

If someone ever did that the my daughter the first thing I would want would be someone to go through their phone / computer/ any tech they owned to make sure no images had been saved or shared.

I would also seriously consider involving the police in this though I know that's probably not what you want to hear