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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

438 replies

drelo2 · 09/10/2022 13:36

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

OP posts:
sandytooth · 09/10/2022 13:58

neverbeenskiing · 09/10/2022 13:56

Forgot to say, your DS and his mates also need to be advised that if any of them have sent the image onto anyone else (which I'm sure they'll deny but it happens all the time) then they would be guilty of distributing an indecent image of a child, which is a sexual offence. The fact that they are also underage does not make it legal.

Show quote history

This is probably a betyer idea

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 09/10/2022 13:59

Littlebluebird123 · 09/10/2022 13:46

IMO it's part of a larger more ongoing discussion about what is appropriate and how we can be influenced by others and influence others (both negatively and positively).

I would want him to understand that even if it was instigated and pursued by his friend, he was there and could have/should have stood up for the girl. If the friend wouldn't listen he could have chosen to leave. Staying in the group chat implies he was ok with it.

Explaining the permanency of photos and the knock on effect, the unwillingness to accept a 'no' and the danger of this is also important. It depends on your relationship with him and how willing he is to listen.

Recently a poster suggested teaching yes means yes as no means no implies consent unless told otherwise which isn't true.

Does he have a female relative you could compare the situation to? Sometimes it's easy to dismiss if the person isn't someone they are invested in as it were.

I think all of this is right.

Your DS needs to understand how awful he has been to this girl, whether he was the instigator or not. I think most people have one event in their teenage years which they remember decades later as being “the day they really screwed up”. We can learn from them and move on from them, and grow into wonderful people… but it’s important to not minimize them.

HollyJollyXmas57 · 09/10/2022 14:02

AloysiusBear · 09/10/2022 13:48

Id be fucking fuming.

No phone
No allowance
Grounded/forbidden to see ANY friend off the group chat outside school
Given a huge lecture about consent etc - make him go away, research it and write a 1000 word essay.

This ^ and I’d make him say sorry to the girl for being a vile sex pest.

Methodlem · 09/10/2022 14:04

I sit down with him and go through the details on the CPS website or similar on possessing naked photos of children. Also talk him through how friends aren't always really a friend to you. I thought recently about who was behind the camera egging on the girl who was arrested for vandalism on the captain Tom memorial.

I'd also probably take the phone away, massive talk about respect for women and how his behaviour was disrespectful.

neverbeenskiing · 09/10/2022 14:07

I respectfully disagree with those saying the boys should be made to "apologise". If I were sexually harassed and abused, in the workplace for example, I would not want to have to suffer the further indignity of an in person apology from my perpetrator who I knew for a fact was only apologising because he'd been caught and told to. I see no value in forcing children to apologise generally, but for a minor friendship fallout or something like that it can be helpful to draw a line under things. This is too serious for that and our approach in school would be to tell the boys they were to stay away from this girl and if she reported that they were bothering her again there would be consequences. I would have her Teachers adjust seating plans so she didn't have to sit near them in classes or do group work with them. To have them apologise, given how girls and women are sociall conditioned to be peace makers and not make a fuss would likely result in her feeling she had to accept their apology and could send the message to them that it's not such a big deal.

Rosebel · 09/10/2022 14:08

I'd be livid. Absolutely remove his phone and ground him. Talk to him about respect and (just in case it was his friend) about choosing friends wisely
Pray she doesn't involve the police. Tell the school what's happened from his point of view but don't allow him to victim blame.
Ensure he apologises to the girl but not because you have told him too. Ensure he apologies because he knows it was a disgusting thing to do

slowquickstep · 09/10/2022 14:09

The first thing you need to do is to stop minimising your sons involvement. You need to remove his phone and never give him it back. Go through ever device he has then both you and your Husband need to read him the riot act then explain to him why his actions are wrong and illegal and that he should be bloody petrified in case the girls parents report him.. He should be made to apologise to the girl if you wants to let him.

Original poster
drelo2 · 09/10/2022 14:10

I do check DS’s phone regularly and have today (before I told him what the girls mum told me) and nothing was on it, not even the group chat. DS has said he doesn't know if the friend has screenshotted anything. I did try and talk to him about boundaries and the dangers of sending and receiving nudes underage and he just kept saying it wasn't his idea as apparently the friend had asked DS if he's ever had sex and then seemed to have been showing off by asking the girl, obviously I don't know if he's telling the truth. The girl doesn't go to the same school as DS or his friend but I still might mention it to them.

OP posts:
W00p · 09/10/2022 14:11

Another vote for school and police.

Mumoblue · 09/10/2022 14:13

You need to make sure he understands that whether it was his idea or not, he made a choice. It doesn’t sound like he’s really internalised what he’s done.

W00p · 09/10/2022 14:14

And absolutely confiscate the phone and sleep with the WiFi router if you have to (turn the WiFi off between 10pm and 7am), he can't be trusted to have access to technology if he thinks it's ok to sexually harass a teenage girl. I thought we were past this, so disappointing.

Reallyreallyborednow · 09/10/2022 14:19

I did try and talk to him about boundaries and the dangers of sending and receiving nudes

I did try and talk to him about boundaries and the dangers of sending and receiving indecent images of a child.

fixed it for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2022 14:20

You're still making excuses for your son's behaviour. He could have easily left his friend's home but he chose to stay.

I hope the police get involved and I hope it scares the absolute shit out of your son.

Wombat27A · 09/10/2022 14:23

Check for another phone.

Find that "tea" video and make him watch it. Actually, found it, here it is.

15 is more than old enough to understand this shit properly.

longcovidquestions · 09/10/2022 14:23

I’d go ballistic. You’ve had lots of good advice here.

tootiredtoocare · 09/10/2022 14:24

As a mother with a DD, I'd want to talk to him myself, with you present, of course. I'd want to explain to him about how men accepting and joining in the bad behaviour of their peers are the ones making excuses for and silently supporting rape. I'd speak to him like an adult, I'd be blunt and I'd be truthful and I would expect you to back me up. (I would also, of course, be talking to my DD again about not being pressured into this behaviour.) As a mother of a DS who was exposed to porn aged 9 (I know, horrifying), I had to do pretty much the same thing with my DS (friends big brother thought it was funny to show it to 9 year olds, sadly I was not allowed access to him).

diddl · 09/10/2022 14:26

It wasn't his idea.

FFS could he not have come home, told you what was happening?

Goldbar · 09/10/2022 14:27

He needs to understand that his actions were probably criminal and he will be very lucky if this doesn't turn into a police matter. He should treat this as a second chance because if he engages in this sort of behaviour again, he might not be so lucky and it could easily screw up his life forever. If he keeps bleating on about how it was the other boy's idea/fault and refuses to take responsibility for what they did to this girl, you need to go nuclear and scare the living daylights out of him. He needs to be forced to take responsibility for his actions. It doesn't sound like he really understands the seriousness of what he has done. As for apologising, I would make him write a letter of apology to this girl and then forbid him to contact her in any way again.

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/10/2022 14:28

when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking

nothing was on it, not even the group chat

So he's been deleting stuff?

NCFT0922 · 09/10/2022 14:29

What @Needmorelego said. I would be furious and he needs a serious lesson on consent and NO MEANS NO!

Towcat15 · 09/10/2022 14:32

Sounds like he’s deleted all the evidence. You need to get tougher and stop ‘trying’ to explain things and letting him pin all the blame elsewhere.

Ihatethenewlook · 09/10/2022 14:32

neverbeenskiing · 09/10/2022 13:56

Forgot to say, your DS and his mates also need to be advised that if any of them have sent the image onto anyone else (which I'm sure they'll deny but it happens all the time) then they would be guilty of distributing an indecent image of a child, which is a sexual offence. The fact that they are also underage does not make it legal.

Show quote history

I wanted to point this out. It doesn’t matter if your son is under 16. If he has pictures of under 16’s on his phone then he’s in possession of child porn. The fact that he’s potentially bullied and coerced the child to make and send them is even more serious. And he’s at the age of culpability now. If he’s received and sent a picture to his mate then he’s guilty of the possession AND the distribution of child porn. What would you do if your son was the victim?

Ihatethenewlook · 09/10/2022 14:34

Planesmistakenforstars · 09/10/2022 14:28

when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking

nothing was on it, not even the group chat

So he's been deleting stuff?

This. The ops minimising and covering up for her rapey son

Original poster
drelo2 · 09/10/2022 14:36

I have said he can't see his friend but they will be seeing each other at school and football etc. I didn't mention anything at first so I didn't give him chance to delete anything but he had nothing in his photos or in his messages, so I assume he's probably left the group.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 09/10/2022 14:37

Ah yikes. I'd go through his computer phone etc to look for any images of girls. I think you need to have a really straight chat with him about the implications both for the girl involved and for him. If he had received images and if he distributed them or partook in the distribution of them then he's essentially contributed to the sharing of child pornography which is obviously very serious. I'd also drive home to him the importance of standing up for what's right, if his mate was wanting to do something he felt wasn't right then he should have pushed harder or left or contacted you for support. I'd be encouraging him to distance himself as much as possible from the friend, I'd want him to apologise to the girl and her family and id be doing some work with him around consent and healthy respectful relationships and friendships. If he has a youth worker I'd link them in and get them to do it with him 1-1 or in a group setting