To ask parents of DDs how you'd want this to be handled

[drelo2]

DS has just turned 15, he went over his friends house last night which he's done multiple times before and he's always been well behaved etc.

I had a message off the friends gf’s mum this morning saying the friend was asking her DD for nudes when the gf said no they made a group chat and kept asking and when she said no asking why she wouldn't, basically pestering her, apparently this was mainly the friend though. The friend did face time her and she did show them something but she told her mum it was to shut them up.

I'm furious with DS, I have spoken to him and hes blamed the friend for it and he asked if they could do something else and he said no, I obviously don't know if this is true and I suspect the friend will say the same about DS.

How would you want this to be handled?

Overreacting is as problematic as underreacting in this situation.

I wouldn't have thought it was possible to overreact when your son has been part of a group bullying/pestering one girl online

No way would I let him keep his phone. I don't think you're taking this seriously enough to be honest. I'd be fucking disgusted if that was my son.

Neither can you. Right back at you.

I read it differently to you. And I can pretty much guarantee if the poster comes back they'll confirm it.

There is no such thing as child pornography. Thank you for the little paragraph proving my point

What was the group chat on? WhatsApp?

I reckon that chat has been deleted, and there may well be a screenshot. I take it the GF's mum has been in contact with the mate (the actual boyfriend) and his parents? If not, I would be, explaining why the sons aren't going to be in contact anymore...

And people who work in safeguarding are trying very hard to get the name changed to what it is. The sexual abuse of minors.
That is what pp means.

My DS is only 5 and I'm already dreading this when he gets older.

I remember being hassled for webcam images when I was a teen and it was horrible. I caved and I've no idea what happened to that still of my 14 year old breasts. It's awful and I cried so much when I realised that once the image was out there I had no control over who saw it or what happened to it.

It's so easy for people on here who don't know your DS or you to jump down your throat and want him on a register for life. Kids do stupid, and sometimes awful things. They need to be able and willing to learn and grow. If they can't or aren't willing to then it needs escalating.

I think it sounds like you've made a good start. Checking his phone, removing tech, check his cloud photo storage accounts (Google pics, apple etc) and any hard drives. Even check his emails or any means of photo sharing.
I'd also ban him from 'fun' activities such as football and keep him grounded for a long period of time.

I'd possibly also speak to his school about it. If DS and his friend are doing this, then (probably) so are his other friends and lads in his class. If the school are aware that this is happening, then they can also put measures in place (assemblies, reporting procedures for those affected, form classes focussing on consent and legalities of sexual harassment etc).

I know the words that are written there in black and white. No assumptions made on what the poster actually meant. That’s different entirely.

Confused what you mean by the quote proving your point 🤷‍♀️ The quote actually proves there is such a thing as child pornography 🤷‍♀️

Check all his tech immediately
Place the fear of God in him that this could land him in jail if she is underage
That coercion is also a crime
That he should be utterly ashamed of himself
Major apology to the mother and ask if he has the consent of the girl to deeply apologise
Tell him it is his role to be an advocate to women

I would go insane at my boys if they'd be a part of this.

No it doesn't. It says that when the words child pornography are said, the law sees them as the statement you provided. I am done arguing with you know. It sounds like you support the wording

I get what you’re saying, … but as it stands, the posters words are wrong. You can’t come onto a board and state there is no such thing as child pornography - when there clearly is 🤷‍♀️

If I were the parent of the girl, I would have reported it to the police.

A friend of my ds's found himself with a criminal record at 15 for bullying girls into sending pics.
Thankfully as the gay friend my ds was never involved.
Your ds needs it spelling out how much that boy is risking future career prospects at the very least.
Weirdly of all of ds's friends that one was the only one ddog never took to.

And hopefully she'd tell him to fuck off & stuff his apology where the sun doesn't shine!

I don’t support the wording. But as it stands, there is such a thing as child pornography - and to make a blatant statement denying this, is wrong.

Actually, it bears thinking about. Pornography- sexual images/films used for gratification. Nothing inherently bad, or illegal as long as both parties are consenting, right? Now add the word child. See?
Many of us on MN and elsewhere have been challenging the term for years. It exists as a term. It shouldn't, and needs to be changed.

As the mother of a DD, how would I want this handled? I would want the Police involved.

As the mother of DS's, I would like to think that all the work DH and I have done around consent with them would mean they would have more respect for others. I would fully expect him to be reported to the police.

No. There isn't such a thing. It's child abuse. Full stop. Like I said I am out.

As the parent of a DD, I would expect any of the boys who knew this happened and didn't do anything to stop it to be properly punished. I'd be telling the school as well.

If we are going to stop shit like this, boys and men have to stand up and say no and report it if that no is ignored. Not a weak "can we do something else". Your son should have told the other kid to stop. Left the group chat. Gone downstairs and told a grown up. Or texted you and asked for help.

I also have a DS and he will be told this. In that situation he'd have phone confiscated, grounded, the riot act read to him. And yes, I'd still tell the school.

Bingo. But apparently it's fine and dandy to keep saying 'child pornography ' is a 'thing'

Confiscate his phone, ban him from seeing his friend, explain to him that what he did was a criminal offence and find out why he thinks females were put on this earth for him to ogle and put all your energy into teaching him how to respect them.

I absolutely agree it needs to be changed, I don’t dispute that at all. It is horrific child sexual abuse.

My point is that a poster cannot simply state ‘there is no such thing as child pornography’. There is, it’s that simple. If the poster had made that statement, then added further words/info, it makes it a completely different post.

If this was my teenage DD I'd have called the police and asked for all of his tech, and friend's tech to be checked for photos of underage girls. I'd be pushing for a prosecution if there were photos, I'd be pushing for a harassment charge in any case.

I have zero tolerance for this shit. If these young men can't develop appropriate morals the easy way, they need to have it scared into them the hard way.

You take his smart phone from him and give him an old fashioned mobile that he can just sent texts and ring people on. You end his online membership on his Xbox/PS. At least temporarily as he is punished for being a perv. You get him to watch a video (I’m sure you can find one online) of how sexual harassment and abuse can ruin girls’ lives.

Ask the friend's girlfriend's mom to send you the chat thread or have her read your son's contributions to you. I would first want to know the facts of the situation.

Op I think that you need to prepare for the mother of the dd to go to the police.