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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 08/10/2022 18:13

He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

Does he not want to get married or does he not want a wedding? Those are two completely separate things.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2022 18:14

You’re not engaged if you’re not going to get married. Take the ring off, it doesn’t mean anything.

Are you prepared to stay with him if you’re never getting married? Do you work and can you support yourself and your children? Living in his home unmarried leaves you vulnerable to him chucking you all out at any point. If you tell him you’re annoyed at him changing his mind are you afraid of what he’ll do?

Worthyornot · 08/10/2022 18:15

This reply has been deleted

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KangarooKenny · 08/10/2022 18:15

He’s entitled to change his mind, but I’d take the ring off.
You need to make sure you and the kids will be ok if you split, as in home and money.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:15

He wants neither now.

OP posts:
Eileen101 · 08/10/2022 18:16

Does not want to be married? Or does he not want a wedding?

Does he know you could get the ceremony over and done with just you, witness and registrar? No fuss or ceremony?

Not wanting the commitment of being married is different.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 08/10/2022 18:16

He’s keeping you hanging until something better comes along.

The ring was purely to keep you sweet.

Bin him off and do better OP.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:18

I will be okay financially if we do split, and I hope it doesn't come to that - but initially we were looking to buy a place together which would have provided some stability.

But the future feels really uncertain now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:21

He's not violent, I think he'd be sad if I gave the ring back. I do feel like I have been foolish to believe him, I blame myself.

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 08/10/2022 18:28

I would buy somewhere and move with your children.You can date when he is here.Take the ring off and give it back there is no point wearing it if there is no wedding.Hopefully you are financially stable.

2bazookas · 08/10/2022 18:29

Don't give back the ring; you may need to sell it when you and the kids are homeless after he trades you in for a younger model .

DillDanding · 08/10/2022 18:33

If being married again is important to you, you need to think about leaving.

I’d at least be giving back him the ring.

gamerchick · 08/10/2022 18:33

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:18

I will be okay financially if we do split, and I hope it doesn't come to that - but initially we were looking to buy a place together which would have provided some stability.

But the future feels really uncertain now.

Don't tie yourself financially in with this man. He's strung you along on this, he could pull the rug with that as well.

Give him the ring back, tell him no house buying for the foreseeable.

You need a plan, it sounds like he's detaching. You have to think of your bairns.

girlmom21 · 08/10/2022 18:34

Why doesn't he want to get married? What's changed?

AhNowTed · 08/10/2022 18:34

You were certainly silly to move into his house, especially with children. You're in a precarious situation with no security OP. Can you afford your own place?

caringcarer · 08/10/2022 18:37

He just gave you ring to keep you on board. He does not want to commit to you. I would move out before he arrives back and get children settled in. I'd leave ring in his house and block him. He is showing you no respect whatsoever. If he were to die unexpectedly what would happen to you and children? That happened to the Mum of one of my son's friends. He was killed in a car crash. She and child left absolutely nothing. They were not next of kin and could not even arrange funeral or have any input. His parents did that and did not even invite his partner of 6 years or her children.

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 08/10/2022 18:37

If he's regularly away for months at a time, are you sure he doesn't have another relationship elsewhere?

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:38

It's very hard to see logically when I am overly emotional. I do obviously consider the children, they are my main concern, so I don't want to make decisions lightly or recklessly. I trusted him when we moved in, everything felt right. We put house hunting on hiatus during covid, and at the time we didn't want to rush the process, there wasn't an urgent need to move at that time.

This feels very out of the blue, looking back I can't identify any red flags. But obviously feel stupid now.

OP posts:
Jedsnewstar · 08/10/2022 18:41

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 08/10/2022 18:16

He’s keeping you hanging until something better comes along.

The ring was purely to keep you sweet.

Bin him off and do better OP.

Yep this. He doesn’t want to commit to you. It’s not that he doesn’t believe it it be just doesn’t want to with you, no matter what he says.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:42

@Hilarymantelspencilsharpener I know that might seem like a possibility, but I've seen hotels he stays in and have been to visit when he's not too far. He works all over Europe.

OP posts:
Charlavail · 08/10/2022 18:47

No advice but I'm in the same situation. Only we've been together 10 years and have 2 kids together.
It's an impossible situation. 😪

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:50

@Charlavail I'm so sorry xx

OP posts:
Whadda · 08/10/2022 18:52

You need to get your children out of his house. This man doesn’t see a serious future with you, and you’re creating a precarious housing situation that will be harder to remedy the longer it goes on.

1FootInTheRave · 08/10/2022 18:54

Has he said why he's changed his mind?

EL8888 · 08/10/2022 18:55

He wants it both ways doesn’t he? You at the house keeping the home fires burning and wearing the ring. But he won’t marry you? I see what’s he’s getting out of it but l don’t see what you are.