Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

[Davegrohlsnewwife]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

Op, use the time that he is away to plan. I would recommend not telling him until you have a plan in place.

If he says "No reason" you know he is lying. There has to be a reason.

1. He has worked out the financial cost of marriage and he no longer feel commited to you.

1. He has found someone else and decided he will play the field.

1. He doesn't care for you anymore but is too cowardly to say so.

Take off the ring as he has broken the engagement. Ask him how he plans to tell his family and let him know you will tell your friends & family.

Be tough Op, it will be upsetting but it's better you know of his lack of commitment sooner than later.

It does feel like I've been left in limbo not knowing what I've done wrong - but as some have said - he's probably done something and doesn't want to tell me now, because it's obviously bad enough to make me go.

Maybe he thinks if he's here in person he can talk me round. Maybe he's going to ask me to leave (if I don't already go before he gets back), I won't know until he's back. And I can't call him, I have to wait for him to call me, and he never responds to email.

Well I guess the more I think about it, the more it all starts to make sense.

No he won’t have to pay maintenance for children that aren’t his even if they were married.

Why can't you call him??

And I can't call him, I have to wait for him to call me

Why?

This is sounding dodgier by the minute.

When someone shows you who they are believe them Make plans move on and stop doing ANYTHING for him

Why can’t you ring him OP?

I'm sorry, but I think its possible he wants out of the relationship but doesn't want to break it to you over the phone. So, either he's doing it in stages, breaking the wedding off first, or he's hoping you'll be so upset with him refusing the wedding you'll leave of your own accord and he doesn't have to be the bad guy asking you and your DC to leave. A man who wants to be with a woman doesn't do a u turn on marriage for no reason. Different if he never wanted it, its the change of mind thats the bad sign.
I would get alternative plans in place for when he returns.

So he has someone to be his housekeeper look after his house while he is away, pay the bills other than mortgage and council tax and to do his laundry when he comes home. He has messed you around about getting married, but still wants you to be together.

Honestly OP, I would be reconsidering this relationship.

So...He just wants a live in housekeeper and bed warmer i.e., a convenient bang-maid at the ready...?!

Is he a pilot?

im wondering if his mum told him to put a ring on it, it’s a bit of a slang comment but you mention up thread she and his brother really get on with you maybe she wants him to do the permanent thing with you. Any chance they suspect he has another relationship elsewhere?

can you talk to her about how you feel and what he said about not getting married?

I would spend the next week finding somewhere else to rent and get prepared to move out when he gets back and you can have the final conversation.

He's been cooking something up while he's away on his long business trips. No one suddenly changes their mind on such an important matter, so resolutely, without having something going on behind the scenes.

"I just don't want to" is the reason my toddler gives me when I ask him why he's refusing to do something.

Not something I expect a grown up to say to justify a major life decision 🤔

You're talking about a human being, whose heart is breaking, are you normally this callous and insulting.

Not being able to call (if at work) is one thing, not responding to emails is another. This does sound fishy.

He’s just not that into you.

Veeeery very fishy. This guy has a wife, gf maybe a kid wherever he’s working abroad.

I'm so sorry OP but he is taking the piss.

Something must have happened for him to change his mind like that. The fact that he works away so much and isn't willing to even discuss why he has suddenly reneged on a promise and future promise sounds very sus.

I also think it's very clever how he's the one who has been investing in an appreciating asset whilst you've been left to deal with all the bills....that too without any sign of marriage!

He works in construction, and when on site he either can't hear over the noise, or is somewhere that doesn't get a good signal. He uses "walkie talkies" to communicate with colleagues. He also works nights sometimes, so he switches his phone off when he's sleeping during the day - which is the current situation.

It sounded all so plausible when he was explaining it to me.

I've read all your updates OP and I'm so sorry he's doing this to you. I'm also sorry to say that I would bet good money there is someone else. If you can get out and it sounds like you can then I would.

An engagement is an agreement to marry. He's hedging his bets at the same time as having a comfy lifestyle. I'd think seriously about even staying with him, TBH.

Oh god, OP. Move out and stop paying this man's bills. Please don't let him string you along anymore.

I'd take the ring off before he's next home...or do so if he is already there without telling him and see how long it takes him to notice.
If he does it may start a discussion as to why you removed it.
If he doesn't even notice or just shrugs it off you have your answer that maybe it's time to move on.
Sad but don't hang around and let Mr Right slip you by.

@expat101 I spoke to her yesterday, I took her for a coffee as she doesn't get out much, she recently had a lot of (minor, nothing serious) health issues, and I don't want to cause her any further stress. It's hard because she gave me a big hug and kiss afterwards and said she loved me. I love her too.