Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
thenewduchessoflapland · 08/10/2022 20:30

He's told you he doesn't want to get married after proposing and putting a ring on your finger.He's broken off your engagement to each other.Usually that's the prelude to the end of a relationship.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 20:34

The confusing thing is, he said he doesn't want me to go. I said that I won't stay where I'm no longer wanted, and he said that's absolutely not what he wants. I'm not a vindictive violent person, and he is well aware, so I gave him the opportunity but he said he definitely still wants us to be together.

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 08/10/2022 20:38

I really am sorry this has happened, genuinely, but I'm cynical. If you leave, he'll have to pay his own food and bills.

The fact that he is difficult to contact is also weird. Look after yourself and your children. Good luck.

category12 · 08/10/2022 20:39

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 20:34

The confusing thing is, he said he doesn't want me to go. I said that I won't stay where I'm no longer wanted, and he said that's absolutely not what he wants. I'm not a vindictive violent person, and he is well aware, so I gave him the opportunity but he said he definitely still wants us to be together.

Of course he doesn't - you keep the homefires burning. It's a lot nicer coming back to a family home with food in, a welcome and a warm bed than it is coming back to an empty house and paying his own bills.

But don't you deserve a bit more than the rug pulled out from under?

LimeCheesecake · 08/10/2022 20:39

You are in no rush. You can mentally decide this relationship is not for you long term because he’s decided he doesn’t want to marry you, and you are under no obligation (moral or otherwise) to tell him immediately and move straight out of his house. He has taken advantage you, take your time to decide what you want, plan a move for you and your dcs that will be as free for upset as possible for them and then tell him.

Redruby2020 · 08/10/2022 20:41

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:21

He's not violent, I think he'd be sad if I gave the ring back. I do feel like I have been foolish to believe him, I blame myself.

He might be sad yes, but if he doesn't want to get married as you have said neither now, in another reply, then engagement is usually to then get married 🤷🏻‍♀️ so surely he should understand that.

ThistleSifter · 08/10/2022 20:42

I have to say op at lot of this is “what HE wants”, HIS “no reasons”, HIS incommunicado-ness, HiM being sad, HIM leading you down this path on the first place.

How do YOU feel that HE is treating you like this. YOU are surely likely more sad than he’ll be if/when you return the ring (personally I’d sell it), because it is HIS actions/decisions/no reasons causing this in every direction.

What kind of construction work is nights btw? 🧐 If he “can’t hear the phone over the tools” tell him to put it on vibrate up his arse. It just sounds like lies. Disrespectful bullshit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2022 20:45

Do please think carefully abut your future. I’m the wrong side of 50. Life does creep up on you quickly. It’s easier to start again when you have youth, energy and years of future earning potential on your side.

Redruby2020 · 08/10/2022 20:46

TooHotToTangoToo · 08/10/2022 18:56

If you're not getting married then you shouldn't be engaged, it's called 'engaged to be married' not engaged to be errrrr but sure ....

Just make sure you're financial independent and able to support yourself and dc without his help.

I know quite a few people like this lol, and I just don't understand it.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/10/2022 20:46

It’s not confusing at all that he wants to stay together. He gets huge benefits from that.

He really does not care about you and your feelings. Otherwise he would realise that proposing twice, then changing your mind without giving any reason but expecting the relationship to carry on as before is unacceptable behaviour. A decent man would understand that he has really messed you around and care enough about what you want to end it so that you can move on and be happy.

I would also move out now, making sure I took all my possessions and I would keep the ring. He has broken the engagement so it’s yours now

WillPowerLite · 08/10/2022 20:47

Op, I am so sorry. What a wanker, to pull the rug out from under you - on the phone! - and then refuse to discuss it.

The relationship is over - can you imagine all the major life decisions he might happily take without offering you any explanation? It's no way to lead your life, or your dc lives.

By the way, don't give the ring back. It was a gift, and you did not break the engagement. Once you have a new home, sell the ring and buy yourself or the dc something to remind yourselves of the bullet you dodged by leaving.

category12 · 08/10/2022 20:50

I do think the communication when he's away being all on his terms is a red flag as well. I mean, what's the excuse for not responding to emails? 🤔

Redruby2020 · 08/10/2022 20:51

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:10

@monsteramunch Yes I do most of the housework, and DIY as he's hardly here. But I do pack his suitcase and wash the mountains of clothes when he returns. I also have "welcome" tattooed on my forhead, it would seem.😖

So he's got the wife without the rest of the package and commitment involved, he's done well.
I lived with my ex partner for many years, who used to travel home and I never once packed or unpacked his case.

ThereIbledit · 08/10/2022 20:51

Another who simply wouldn't be there when he returned. And neither love nor money could make me return.

He doesn't actually get to tell you to keep the ring on, nor does he get to dictate to you that you should stay with somebody who renegraded on their commitment to you. Only you get to make those decisions, and it's about time you owned that.

Fireflygal · 08/10/2022 20:53

@Davegrohlsnewwife, If he is in a first world country then the phone excuse doesn't wash. I'm sorry, the more you say suggests he is leading a double life.

What's his job?

mollymole999 · 08/10/2022 20:53

Ijuomh

JulesCobb · 08/10/2022 20:53

Yes agree with others. You're very convenient for him. Paying all his bills!

he has suddenly realised you would have legal rights as a wife, and that doesn't work for him. Or he has married someone else.

i cannot believe you do his packing / unpacking and washing. I dont even pack for my dh and he does far more of the housework than me. And all the cooking.

Redruby2020 · 08/10/2022 20:54

ThistleSifter · 08/10/2022 20:42

I have to say op at lot of this is “what HE wants”, HIS “no reasons”, HIS incommunicado-ness, HiM being sad, HIM leading you down this path on the first place.

How do YOU feel that HE is treating you like this. YOU are surely likely more sad than he’ll be if/when you return the ring (personally I’d sell it), because it is HIS actions/decisions/no reasons causing this in every direction.

What kind of construction work is nights btw? 🧐 If he “can’t hear the phone over the tools” tell him to put it on vibrate up his arse. It just sounds like lies. Disrespectful bullshit.

Omg 🤩🤩 Your last paragraph is the best thing I've heard in a long time and made me chuckle 🤣 very good!

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 20:57

I wanted what was promised, I wanted to be in a mutually loving relationship with someone I could be with for the rest of my life. I like looking after someone (flakey, I know) but I also would like for them to make me feel safe and secure. I've made it so that I am not a financial drain on him, and I miss him terribly when he's away.

I don't think I would bother with another relationship because I obviously don't seem to be able to put good enough boundaries in place. I know it's easy to say now, but honestly I don't want to keep going through this, and I don't seem to learn from my mistakes.

I know that sounds self pitying, but I think it's what I would have to do for all our sakes.

OP posts:
pepsirolla · 08/10/2022 20:57

Some people have suggested he is living a double life, especially the long trips abroad. Just had horrid thought because he suddenly said he doesn't want to get married it couldn't be because he recently got married to someone else and therefore would be a bigamist, and potentially prosecuted if he married you and it was discovered? I think it is possible to check marriage records, but not sure how. Sorry either way really feel for you and your children

PuzzledObserver · 08/10/2022 20:59

@SkyeSky

Says he loves me and wants to be a family always yet has no reason to marry

If he loves you and wants to be a family always, there is no reason NOT to marry. What does he lose by marrying you, if he’s going to be with you for ever anyway? Answer - nothing.

There are plenty of reasons TO marry someone he loves and wants to be with forever who is the mother of his children - legal and financial protection for you and the DC, NOK rights, inheritance - among others.

Maybe he doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on a big flash wedding because it could be used better - and I would agree with him there. But you can get married down the registry office on a wet Thursday afternoon for a couple of hundred quid and then have a meal at the pub with friends.

Conclusion:- although he says he wants to be a family for ever, part of him isn’t sure he means it.

StClare101 · 08/10/2022 21:00

I wouldn’t be there when he returned and I’d keep the ring (actually I’d quickly get it valued first, it might be fake). Take the power back and make your own decisions.

TitchGreen · 08/10/2022 21:00

I asked my boyfriend what he made of all this. He is on the side of this man is nuts.
He can't expect you stick around under these circumstances.

Sandra1984 · 08/10/2022 21:03

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 20:25

He works in construction, and when on site he either can't hear over the noise, or is somewhere that doesn't get a good signal. He uses "walkie talkies" to communicate with colleagues. He also works nights sometimes, so he switches his phone off when he's sleeping during the day - which is the current situation.

It sounded all so plausible when he was explaining it to me.

I smell BS. A guy with a family needs to be able to get hold of, what if there’s a family emergency or you need to tell him something important. He’s either lying or doesn’t care and both are not good. His actions at those of someone who can’t care less.

Crazykatie · 08/10/2022 21:03

You moved in with him because it gave you and the kids a roof over your head for less than renting.
Im in the same position I pay for food he pays for everything else, I reckon I’m saving around £10k a year, he looks after me very well a real gentleman, there is a lot of property involved so marriage is out. He is fun to be with, I get on with his friends and family, so no reason to change.
I work full time, I’ve got a good pension fund, he’s highly unlikely to look for another woman, life is good.