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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Babiesarenotrobots · 08/10/2022 19:12

You will know yourself what feels right but I accepted my boyfriends proposal knowing I'd never marry him. 🤷‍♀️ I just don't care for it and, if we divorced, I have way more to lose than him. The engagement was our way of showing commitment and I wear my ring to show I'm in a committed relationship. I don't really get what the big deal is tbh. Unless you though there is someone rise or a specific reason for now saying no

Discovereads · 08/10/2022 19:13

Gosh how heartbreaking. Don’t blame yourself. This isn’t on you. This is him using you and taking advantage of you.

As he’s changed his mind on marriage, he’s broken off the engagement. I’d take him saying wear the ring to mean keep the ring and I’d go and sell it and put that money in the bank. Decent thing would be to give it back to him, but he’s not been decent to you so I think it’s fair this way.

so sorry.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:14

Has something changed in his circumstances abroad? Could he have a second relationship?

Men who work away sadly often have double relationships, double families etc.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:15

@LemonDrop22 it does feel sudden and abrupt. I don't think I did anything wrong, but he usually talks to me if I have upset him, and vice versa. I think I know what I have to do. Maybe I was hoping I was overreacting. I do love him, and this has hurt me a lot, and I really wish with all my heart this wasn't happening!

OP posts:
RFPO77 · 08/10/2022 19:19

Why would you give the ring back, it was a gift. Sell it, move on. Sounds like he's already met someone else tbh💐

PinkiOcelot · 08/10/2022 19:20

I don’t think I would be there for him coming back tbh. I certainly wouldn’t still be wearing his ring.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:21

I'm so impatient I wouldn't be able to wait until he came back to the UK to ask his reasons. I'd write a message or email.

"Explain to me your reasons for your u turn. "No reason" is simply not true".

He knows he got you stuck, doesn't he; nowhere to go and live with your kids if you kick up too much of a fuss and he tells you to go.
Is there anywhere you could go while you look for something longer term?

Blocked · 08/10/2022 19:22

2bazookas · 08/10/2022 18:29

Don't give back the ring; you may need to sell it when you and the kids are homeless after he trades you in for a younger model .

Yeah cause being married stops men from doing that

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:22

@LemonDrop22
"Has something changed in his circumstances abroad? Could he have a second relationship?"

Men who work away sadly often have double relationships, double families etc.

I don't know - I hope not! I told him I wouldn't tolerate any affair - he is really aware I have no tolerance for that. Maybe that's why he won't tell me . . .

OP posts:
MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 08/10/2022 19:23

You should be really bloody angry!

I'd be gone before he gets back.

OldFan · 08/10/2022 19:23

YANBU @Davegrohlsnewwife , similar happened to me with an ex. He regretted not marrying me in the end, but by then it was too late. It probably wouldn'tve worked out for various reasons though.

Twice he said 'I'll marry you if...' or 'why should I marry you when...'

I even had to cancel the church once. 😮 My uncle said I should've got my 'fiance' to do it as it was he who backed out.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:23

I think maybe there's something on abroad and he no longer wants to get into a fixed, committed, legal arrangement with you, which will be hard/expensive/hassly to get out of.

This something probably didnt exist when he proposed.

AdoraBell · 08/10/2022 19:24

Either take the ring off, or wear it and when people ask if you’ve set the date say “no, he’s said he doesn’t want to get married, just wants me to wear the ring, you know, like some kind of tag”

monsteramunch · 08/10/2022 19:26

Babiesarenotrobots · 08/10/2022 19:12

You will know yourself what feels right but I accepted my boyfriends proposal knowing I'd never marry him. 🤷‍♀️ I just don't care for it and, if we divorced, I have way more to lose than him. The engagement was our way of showing commitment and I wear my ring to show I'm in a committed relationship. I don't really get what the big deal is tbh. Unless you though there is someone rise or a specific reason for now saying no

The onus isn't on her to change from a yes to a no.

She said yes based on him proposing marriage, not engagement.

If he had said that he wanted to get engaged but never married, it sounds like OP would definitely have said no.

Everyone is allowed to change their mind, but be shouldn't expect and feel so entitled as to have it both ways by expecting her to continue wearing a ring that represents a 'yes' to an arrangement he's taken off the table.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:27

AdoraBell · 08/10/2022 19:24

Either take the ring off, or wear it and when people ask if you’ve set the date say “no, he’s said he doesn’t want to get married, just wants me to wear the ring, you know, like some kind of tag”

Alternatively op could start looking hard into the circumstances and motivations of this dodgy fucker.

Because this is a well dodgy, flaky way of behaving.

Also op should concentrate on alternative housing.

Are you paying him rent, bulls etc. Op.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/10/2022 19:27

I think he'd be sad if I gave the ring back

Does that matter? For whatever reason he's chamnged his mind - as anyone's entitled to do - and at least he's being clear rather than dragging it out and encouraging you to waste even more time on him

Of course it'll hurt for a while, but luckily you said you'd be financially okay without him, so the onlly thing you can really do is leave and rebuild in the hope of meeting someone else

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:29

I do have options of somewhere to go if needed. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend with a big enough house for me and kids until I can get settled.

Probably sounds weird, but because I was in an abusive marriage previously, I made sure I had an escape plan.

I haven't told anyone I know yet, because it would make them immediately dislike him, and I need to wrap my head around everything first.

I know he wouldn't chuck us out on the street, I think his mum and brother would kill him! I get on really well with them, I know they would be really upset, his mum already calls me her daughter in law. I just can't face hurting the family too - even though its not my choice.

OP posts:
plinkypots · 08/10/2022 19:30

He'd be sad is the least of your concerns. He's played you for a mug. He and you have put your children in a precarious position with no financial stability. But you did it based on his promises. Find your anger. But also, you need a new plan. This man doesn't love you. It's harsh but it's true. A man who loved you and your kids wouldn't do this.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:30

The oh other thing I can thinkmof is that a friend or family member has spoken to him about what he has to lose if he legalises his relationship with a single Mum who's moved into his property, and he's been influenced.

But I'd be surprised he hadn't thought of the implications himself, before proposing.

monsteramunch · 08/10/2022 19:32

Probably sounds weird, but because I was in an abusive marriage previously, I made sure I had an escape plan.

Doesn't sound weird at all OP, sounds sensible and very wise Flowers

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:32

I just can't face hurting the family too - even though its not my choice.

It's not you hurting them. You're the victim here. He's proposed marriage to you, started planning a wedding and reneged on it.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 08/10/2022 19:32

i would leave before he comes home. You don’t want the same things. You are worth more.

ArcaneWireless · 08/10/2022 19:33

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 08/10/2022 19:32

i would leave before he comes home. You don’t want the same things. You are worth more.

Aye. Me too.

Cruisebabe1 · 08/10/2022 19:34

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:29

I do have options of somewhere to go if needed. I'm fortunate enough to have a friend with a big enough house for me and kids until I can get settled.

Probably sounds weird, but because I was in an abusive marriage previously, I made sure I had an escape plan.

I haven't told anyone I know yet, because it would make them immediately dislike him, and I need to wrap my head around everything first.

I know he wouldn't chuck us out on the street, I think his mum and brother would kill him! I get on really well with them, I know they would be really upset, his mum already calls me her daughter in law. I just can't face hurting the family too - even though its not my choice.

Use those options this guy is taking the piss.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:34

I think his mum and brother would kill him! I get on really well with them, I know they would be really upset, his mum already calls me her daughter in law. I just can't face hurting the family too - even though its not my choice.

Also no offence but blood is thicker than water.

If he decides he doesn't want you anymore, I'm sure they'll feel bad and sorry etc but he's their son.& brother, and they'll replace you with another lovely partner in time. They don't be ostracising him for you. They know you'll both move on sooner or later.

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