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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AgricClucky31 · 13/10/2022 18:58

Hilarymantelspencilsharpener · 08/10/2022 18:37

If he's regularly away for months at a time, are you sure he doesn't have another relationship elsewhere?

Sounds like he's already got married to some else, doesn't it?

Smoem · 14/10/2022 11:39

OP, how are you doing at the moment?

KarmaStar · 14/10/2022 12:30

What do YOU want op?quit trying to second guess him,he's made his decision and put his cards on the table.
Do you feel you want to stay in the relationship?remain in his house?
He's holding all the cards at the moment.You can move out and get yourself stable financially and still see him or buy a new home between you but if he is resisting to that as well then it's time to cut all ties with him on your time.
Concentrate on what's best for you and your dc and to me,that would be finding a secure home.good luck.

Aria999 · 14/10/2022 13:49

@KarmaStar read the thread or at least OP's posts. Things have moved on!

Tessabelle74 · 14/10/2022 18:44

Wishing you and your children all the Iove and luck in the world OP 💖

Missikat13 · 14/10/2022 19:09

Wishing you all the best. Your friends sounds great, and you sound like you're coping brilliantly, well done it must be really hard. Have you still not heard anything? If not then that definitely cements this is 100% the right decision (not that it wasn't anyway but he could have the decency to discuss it with you, him not being willing to speaks volumes). Good luck with your future xxx

Harls1969 · 15/10/2022 15:30

Really hoping for an update from OP. Hope everything is ok

3rdtimeisacharm · 15/10/2022 16:16

KarmaStar · 14/10/2022 12:30

What do YOU want op?quit trying to second guess him,he's made his decision and put his cards on the table.
Do you feel you want to stay in the relationship?remain in his house?
He's holding all the cards at the moment.You can move out and get yourself stable financially and still see him or buy a new home between you but if he is resisting to that as well then it's time to cut all ties with him on your time.
Concentrate on what's best for you and your dc and to me,that would be finding a secure home.good luck.

Lol RTFT much

T1Dmama · 16/10/2022 02:38

I’ve caught up on your posts. I hope you’re ok. Did you manage to move out before he came home? You said his friend said they
were due home on 11th… hope you managed to get packed and out before he returned home.
Good luck!
My husband has recently left … Got to admit to feeling free… not having to keep someone else happy has been liberating and even our daughter is happier.
we stay in relationships far longer than we should.. I really hope you find the same freedom and peace in being single.

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 17/10/2022 10:58

Hello All

I'm sorry I have been busy with the move - and also my friend confiscated my phone as I was checking it obsessively for messages from him - and she asked if she could hold on to it, she would check it and let me know. Still no word from him.

I have had friends of his calling to see how I am. I lied and said everything was fine, I think he's asked them to check up on me, but still hasn't had the balls to talk to me.

DCs are happier, looking forward to a new place just us three. They're already arguing over who should get the bigger room!

I feel relieved to an extent, but also feel like air has been knocked out of me. It felt good to take all the bits that were mine, kettle, toaster, all the food, all the cleaning stuff, even lampshades and curtains! I just need this horrible feeling in my stomach to go away. I think I may have a self pity couple of days to get it out of my system, then try and focus on next steps better.

Thanks again for everything 🙏 ❤️

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 17/10/2022 11:20

so he’s sending his flying monkeys to gather 1st hand info from you because he doesn’t have the balls to do it himself? What a sad sack this man is, his balls are peanut size. Next time try to find someone a little bit more grown because this one has the emotionally maturity of a toddler.

YilingMatriarch · 17/10/2022 11:29

Why lie. Tell the truth you don't owe him a cover story. No need to go into overt details. Simply, he no longer wished to marry, and you reassessed your relationship, and the DC's future. End of.

Aussiegirl88 · 17/10/2022 11:40

So he's not even cme home yet to find you're not there anymore?

Ineke · 17/10/2022 12:17

Would love to see his face when he finally comes back to his house to see it so stripped bare. If I had paid for the carpets I would have taken those too! If there is any furniture, items that you did pay/for and you do not want, get a charity van to come in and collect everything, Necessary Furniture is one such Charity. He will realise sooner rather than later what a pathetic specimen of manhood he is. Well done to you, so happy for you that you have such a supportive friend.

TightPants · 17/10/2022 14:12

Loving your updates OP!
You sound amazing, stay strong 💪🏼

T1Dmama · 17/10/2022 15:03

I would contact him mum and simply say:

I wanted to let you know that I have left X.
I have to put my kids first and being that X no longer wants to make any long term commitment to me, I need to put down some solid foundations for them, I had hoped X and I would buy a house together and get married, however sadly it is clear neither was ever going to happen.
We are safe & well.

I would send something similar to his friends saying that you’ve left because he called off the engagement & has no intention of committing to you long term & wont even have a discussion about it!

T1Dmama · 17/10/2022 15:09

T1Dmama · 17/10/2022 15:03

I would contact him mum and simply say:

I wanted to let you know that I have left X.
I have to put my kids first and being that X no longer wants to make any long term commitment to me, I need to put down some solid foundations for them, I had hoped X and I would buy a house together and get married, however sadly it is clear neither was ever going to happen.
We are safe & well.

I would send something similar to his friends saying that you’ve left because he called off the engagement & has no intention of committing to you long term & wont even have a discussion about it!

His not him

dontputitthere · 17/10/2022 15:54

So good to hear your update and you're doing well. Friend is cementing her place as best friend ever by stopping you from checking your phone!

What a dick. Getting his mates to check up on you. Personally I think you're doing the right thing. Let you leaving be a surprise for him.

Just also wanted to say remember there's bound to be a crash. You're probably running on adrenaline. When that goes you're bound to feel empty and exhausted. It's really common with stress and trauma etc.

But sounds like you've got this covered. Have you moved in totally now? Always come back here. We're all rooting for you Flowers

crosstalk · 17/10/2022 16:30

Hope all well OP. I certainly wouldn't take the advice above and let his friends know. His mum needs a heads up and the reassurance you have nothing against her and will be in touch and you've alerted your parents, that's enough.

But never again pay for things while a man pays a mortgage without your name on it. Yes, he is giving you a room for you and DCs, but he has you paying the bills, decorating the house and making it a home, doing his housework and catering for him. And making you dependent on him.

serendipitea · 18/10/2022 18:14

I have the impression that one factor in him changing his mind might have been spending a lot of time in a closed environment with many other men living similar lives - far from family, while the wives likely spend all their time as a stay at home mom taking care of children and home, and when the strain leads to divorce the wife quite rightly stays with the house. This I think causes quite some resentful in the men living away months at a time to earn big bucks for the family... Put many such men together and I can see men re-considering sharing 'their' assets...

expat101 · 18/10/2022 19:30

On flip side of that is where the lives grow apart. Friend in the airline industry once spoke about the pilots retiring and finding things were not all pleasant back home because both parties had established different routines and lives.

my Aussie uncle’s neighbour has taken up with the man next door whilst her DH was stuck somewhere in the united emirates with the lock down, ironically in the construction industry. Not sure if they guy has managed to get back home yet, but geese how awful.

it’s certainly very challenging for all parties and following the big money to set up for a decent retirement has its draw backs.

MaggieMagpie357 · 27/10/2022 12:01

Hey @Davegrohlsnewwife I have been thinking about you a lot since you first posted on here. I really hope you are happy and well and looking forward to the next chapter of your life!

Sundaya · 02/11/2022 03:04

We’re you ever able to confront him? I want closure for you so badly!

Heygal · 18/11/2022 21:45

Is there an update? X

tkwal · 13/07/2023 22:59

Put the ring on your right hand, then when he eventually notices say its such a lovely ring that you didn't want to stop wearing it completely but that you would like to discuss what it symbolises to both of you

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