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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:35

*won't

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:35

@LemonDrop22

Our financial agreement is that I pay bills, food, everything for kids etc, my own car, he just pays mortgage and CT and stuff for himself, as its in his name and I didn't want to financially contribute to something that isn't mine.

Obviously when we bought a house together it would have been more 50/50.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 08/10/2022 19:35

The ring is just to make you and everyone else think this is a serious, committed relationship. It is a meaningless symbol. He doesn't want you as more than a girlfriend of convenience.

pigcon1 · 08/10/2022 19:36

You don’t need to give the ring back. Sell it and use the money to fund your next step.

SkyeSky · 08/10/2022 19:36

Hi. I have been on and off with my partner for many years. We share a three year old and I have a wonderful stepson who I also bring up. My partner and I planned to marry one day after having our child. He has now changed his mind. Says he loves me and wants to be a family always yet has no reason to marry. He recently purchased a home for us all but will not agree to put me on the house. I don’t not work as I am very much a stay at home mum. He feels if I am with him then I will be secure. However if something were to happen the children and I would not have security and this worries me greatly. I feel very hurt and do not feel I can stay in a relationship like this. I do not want to separate my family, which he will say I am doing if I don’t move in. How can someone put the woman he loves in such a position if he truly saw a future with her.
I don’t no what is for the best. I will struggle alone financially as I don’t not earn and have no savings.

category12 · 08/10/2022 19:37

I would consider ending an engagement (and that's what this is) as ending the relationship.

I'd suspect he's cheated or has had his head turned tbh, but whatever, he's broken off the engagement.

sandytooth · 08/10/2022 19:38

He can't insist you wear the engagement ring if you're not engaged to be married

sandytooth · 08/10/2022 19:39

category12 · 08/10/2022 19:37

I would consider ending an engagement (and that's what this is) as ending the relationship.

I'd suspect he's cheated or has had his head turned tbh, but whatever, he's broken off the engagement.

Same. No going back.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/10/2022 19:40

I'm sorry OP but he's telling you that his feelings have changed. The reasons don't really matter. If he was planning his own stag do and now he's not is the biggest flag you can have.

You do need to sit down and have a serious discussion about it all but be aware he might ask you to move out, so plan how you would do that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/10/2022 19:41

I think not wanting to get married is fine, then asking you, telling everyone and then changing his mind is awful but the 'no reason!' is absolutely unforgivable. Even if he had a good reason for changing his mind, he should have an appreciation of how upsetting and humiliating it all is. But the 'I just changed my mind and changed our entire future for no reason whatsoever' is disgusting and clearly untrue. No one makes major life decisions without thinking about it and being fairly sure. Either he just doesnt love you enough, he is worried about finances in the future, he doesnt think it will work in the long term, he has met someone else, he has had a few good friends who have divorced and lost everything and its freaked him out....but there is always something. And for him to expect you to be ok with him not divulging what this something is, is insane

Treebranch · 08/10/2022 19:44

SkyeSky · 08/10/2022 19:36

Hi. I have been on and off with my partner for many years. We share a three year old and I have a wonderful stepson who I also bring up. My partner and I planned to marry one day after having our child. He has now changed his mind. Says he loves me and wants to be a family always yet has no reason to marry. He recently purchased a home for us all but will not agree to put me on the house. I don’t not work as I am very much a stay at home mum. He feels if I am with him then I will be secure. However if something were to happen the children and I would not have security and this worries me greatly. I feel very hurt and do not feel I can stay in a relationship like this. I do not want to separate my family, which he will say I am doing if I don’t move in. How can someone put the woman he loves in such a position if he truly saw a future with her.
I don’t no what is for the best. I will struggle alone financially as I don’t not earn and have no savings.

Mate, you already know the answer, I'm sorry. You have to make a financial plan as if you're already a single mother. It's nice to be a SAHM, for sure, but it's a luxury. You need money for it, and if you don't have that, through marriage, savings or inheritance, then you are really vulnerable. You should probably stop being unpaid childcare for his children and get a job.

TurquoiseDragon · 08/10/2022 19:46

category12 · 08/10/2022 19:37

I would consider ending an engagement (and that's what this is) as ending the relationship.

I'd suspect he's cheated or has had his head turned tbh, but whatever, he's broken off the engagement.

I agree. I'd get myself and the DC out now, too, and not pay anything else into that broken relationship.

I suspect he's cheated already, he has plenty of opportunity.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:46

If he was planning his own stag do and now he's not is the biggest flag you can have.

"No reason" is bullshit.

He needs to stop bull shitting himself and you.

He seems very arrogant expecting you to accept that.

There's shit going on with this man that he's not disclosing.

Rapunzel22 · 08/10/2022 19:46

I think he is enjoying the bachelor life when away but he likes the comfort of having a " wife" when he is home. I think you know what you have to do.

ThistleSifter · 08/10/2022 19:46

I think that if he’s reneged on his proposal and expects you to stay with him, you need and deserve comprehensive reasoning and honesty from him so you can then make up your mind if said reason[s] are a position you agree with or concerns that you can at least understand.

If there’s no reason then he either didn’t mean it (twice) when asking, or he’s got something else going on, even if that’s being a boorish arsehole who doesn’t care about messing you around with proposals and ring for no reason either way.

I broke off an engagement but stayed with my ex, because I meant yes when asked, but then a few months later started to get cold feet and also a few major arguments happened but loved him so stayed together another couple of years before breaking up (I was also very young (unlike him)).

There were good reasons that we discussed when I was saying to him that I wanted to be sure after everything that happened and which is why we both moved forward together (for a while at least!).

This seems very different… not least it was his idea and seemingly nothing has happened to warrant his change of mind to the point he is now “adamant” 🧐

Something has changed his mind unless he’s a staunch empty vessel with no fibre.

I am not sure I’d have stayed in my ex’s position tbh, and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t stay in yours. It’s just cruel to mess you around like that for ‘no reason’; how can you now trust him or anything he professes to you? 🍷

Suzi888 · 08/10/2022 19:47

If he won’t consider a registry office wedding ( basic) he’s not for you.

I didn’t want a fancy wedding, I wanted a quiet wedding. It went from a registry office and us two going off to have a drink and meal, to just our parents, to a full blown wedding. I did it for DH. Personally I thought it was a terrible waste of money and I felt so embarrassed - but there we go.

The things we do for love.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/10/2022 19:49

Probably sounds weird, but because I was in an abusive marriage previously, I made sure I had an escape plan

Far from being "weird" I think this was very sensible - as was not paying towards the house costs for a place that wasn't yours and now never will be

I doubt you'll ever know the "why" of this and whether he's met someone else, doesn't now want to raise sopmeone else's DCs or something else, but there's better out there for you andd I hope you find it Flowers

ArcaneWireless · 08/10/2022 19:49

Oh lass.

You have been paying everything while he has been cannily protecting his interest? At a lesser cost as well I’ll bet.

And I posted before I read the ‘no reason’. There will be a reason. Many good examples are noted above.

I would posit the notion if you moved out to your friend’s house he wouldn’t even come looking for you.

There is a reason. And it’ll be nowt to do with you.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 08/10/2022 19:50

The only appropriate response to when a (supposed) loved one treats you with no respect, is to show yourself the respect they are lacking. A dignified response is to pack your things and leave before he returns. What he has done is downright dirty, asking you to marry, then changing his mind, telling you on a telephone call when he cant see you, and refusing to explain why. Refuse to be treated like that, you have to, otherwise its signing up for a lifetime of being treated like that. A dignified and quiet walking away, there is nothing to say.

Catty28 · 08/10/2022 19:50

I have been engaged for 12 years and have two children with him

Original poster
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:51

@DrinkFeckArseBrick You're absolutely right x

OP posts:
Orangesare · 08/10/2022 19:51

I would not push the issue with him or rush to move out. It’s clear things have changed but think about what you need and where you can move to before you pull the plug on the relationship.

gretr · 08/10/2022 19:51

What do you want? We wanted to be married. So we did it just the two of us. If he doesn’t want to be married and you do then there is a fundamental difference of your future plans. Either you need to break up, or if marriage doesn’t bother you, then stay together. He’s been clear, (personal opinion he sounds like someone I wouldn’t want to be with). So listen to what he’s saying and act accordingly.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:53

Maybe it's outlandish but id suspect he's knocked someone up abroad. He perhaps is under pressure to marry them. He could still have you in the UK if he keeps them there (and lies by omission to you of course), but he can't marry you without taking the risk of being done for bigamy, which has high penalties.

Or maybe he doesn't an in marrying someone else but still thinks things would be legally complicated if he's got a child by one woman and is married to another.

Maybe he's worried she/her family could search a registry and discover he's got a wife in the UK etc.

I haven't heard of many men working abroad for months at a time being completely celibate tbh. Regardless of their relationship status back home. Ex pat's are notorious for this.

feministqueen · 08/10/2022 19:56

Op - in the nicest possible way you need to first get upset. And then get mad about this. He needs to understand what this means to you.

If he doesn't give a shit then you know how he feels. I think too many women are guilty of not spelling out what it is they want and then moaning when they don't get what they desire.

I was clear to my husband when we first got together that I wanted children and to get married. We had the kids and no engagement /marriage came. I filtered between upset and angry and in the end made it very clear that I wasn't hanging around for someone who didn't want to commit. Either ship up or ship out. We got engaged. The wedding was booked soon after.

Some men are just happy to go along in life without making any decisions because it's easier. They need to be shown or told what the consequence of non action is and you need to mean it.

Please - put your big girl pants on and sit him down when he gets back and tell him that inaction is not on your agenda. He either commits or he doesn't. No commitment = no you.