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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Engaged, but he's refusing to marry me.

564 replies

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 18:11

I have been with my partner for over 5 years. I moved into his house with my DC's (from previous relationship) after a couple of years. He works away a lot, sometimes several months at a time.

Two years into the relationship he asked me to Marry him. He was tipsy so I laughed and told him to ask me when he was sober. I told him to seriously consider what he was asking for, but he remained certain. He then went away for work, so I didn't receive a ring until 7 months later.

We told the whole family, everyone was really chuffed for us - and my family particularly as my previous relationship was very abusive and nearly broke me.

He has been away for a few months again, but has done a complete u turn on marriage. He says he loves me, wants to be with me forever, but just doesn't want the wedding.

I am really miffed. Previously I never really wanted to get married again, but that was until I met my now partner. I was excited because we had planned to elope, then just have a party when we got back.

He still wants me to wear the ring, but to me it feels like a sign of ownership with no commitment. He's due home soon, and I am seriously considering giving the ring back.

I don't know if I Abu or if those feelings of being controlled previously are bubbling to the surface.

AIBU?

OP posts:
KangFang · 08/10/2022 18:56

He doesn't want to marry you.
I would leave him.

Treebranch · 08/10/2022 18:56

Hell no. You can't walk back on an engagement and continue a relationship! What a coward. It's over. 😡

TooHotToTangoToo · 08/10/2022 18:56

If you're not getting married then you shouldn't be engaged, it's called 'engaged to be married' not engaged to be errrrr but sure ....

Just make sure you're financial independent and able to support yourself and dc without his help.

MintJulia · 08/10/2022 18:58

I hate to say it OP, but you are very useful, you pay half the bills, I bet you do most of the housework, keep the fridge stocked and do a fair bit of the cooking. In other words live in housekeeper who also provides sex but involves no commitment beyond the price of a ring.. You're a bargain.

At the same time he can travel, have affairs and just keeping you as an option until someone better comes along. 😟

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:00

@1FootInTheRave no, no reason, just doesn't want to. If was a big lavish affair, I could understand, but we planned to elope with a friend couple, then have a party for family and friends when we got back. He was even planning his stag do!

Currently we are only talking over the phone, but he's back next week, and I was hoping we could have a proper discussion, but he says he's adamant.

OP posts:
ConsuelaHammock · 08/10/2022 19:01

Walk away and be happy with someone who is prepared to commit to you.
ps keep the ring

monsteramunch · 08/10/2022 19:02

Do you do most of the housework OP? And generally put more effort into the relationship than him?

Him wanting you to still wear an engagement ring is ridiculous when you are absolutely no longer engaged, as he doesn't want to ever get married.

Engagement is a precursor to marriage. Engaged 'to be married'.

He's backed out. He can't have it both ways and still want you to have the appearance of being engaged, presumably so he doesn't have to deal with the awkwardness / embarrassment of explaining to people he's changed his mind.

I would be ending the relationship and leaving with my kids.

expat101 · 08/10/2022 19:02

Did the engagement come about due to rules or personal beliefs? Do you know exactly where he is when he is away with work?

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:02

@MintJulia you hit the nail on the head!

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:03

/I do feel like I have been foolish to believe him, I blame myself.

You shouldn't.

What sort of fig person proposes to someone twice (you asked him to wait til sober), tells all their mutual family and friends...and the goes back on it. Lrsving them with the options of wearing an engagement ring indefinitely or ending the relationship. A co habiting relationship with kids involved at that.

What are the reasons he has given for his Uturn?

Treebranch · 08/10/2022 19:04

He broke up the engagement on the phone? You deserve better. I'm so angry for you.

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:05

@expat101 Neither of us are religious. I didn't even really think about marriage (been there, done that etc). I usually know where he is if in the UK, but not always when abroad to be honest.

Stupid isn't it? I trusted him. I should know better.

OP posts:
Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:07

@LemonDrop22 No reason, just doesn't want to. But still wants me to wear the ring.

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:07

he says he's adamant

He needs to explain his reasons.

Not just that he doesn't want to.

Why does he now not want to?

I have a feeling the truth would make you walk.

He's one flaky, disrespectful, arrogant fkr incidentally.

Adamant lol. Pretty sure you're not going to walk and willing to take the risk, isn't he?

Treebranch · 08/10/2022 19:07

Stupid isn't it? I trusted him. I should know better.

It's not stupid at all. ALL relationships require trust He's the stupid one.

LittleOwl153 · 08/10/2022 19:07

I would take the ring off, put it away and say no more to him.
Then I would find somewhere for myself and the kids to live - can you afford to buy somewhere without him? If you can I would go for it. He'll have a big surprise when his bed warmer isn't there when he next gets home...

ArcaneWireless · 08/10/2022 19:08

I think I agree with mintjulia

I am sorry.

I’d be on the look for a house to move to. I wouldn’t be subsidising him. You may stay with him as a partner but at least you and your kids would be secure.

He is entitled to change his mind and I commend him for being honest about it rather than stringing you along for more years.

Did he tell you this over the phone? I don’t commend him for that.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:08

No reason, just doesn't want to

I don't believe that.

He wants to before, why doesn't he want to now?

What changed?

He's not being honest.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:09

*wanted to before

Darbs76 · 08/10/2022 19:09

I’d give the ring back and let him know there’s zero point being engaged to be married if there’s to be no wedding.

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:10

@monsteramunch Yes I do most of the housework, and DIY as he's hardly here. But I do pack his suitcase and wash the mountains of clothes when he returns. I also have "welcome" tattooed on my forhead, it would seem.😖

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:10

He's the one who raised it, he's the one who proposed, twice.

He wasn't even "hassled" into it.

Why do that.abd why back out of it now.youre not getting the full picture from this guy.

HungryandIknowit · 08/10/2022 19:11

I don't think you should blame yourself. In your shoes I'd be furious. It sounds like he's become bored / uncertain of the relationship but wants to keep you as an option. You can do better and find someone who values you.

ArcaneWireless · 08/10/2022 19:11

Davegrohlsnewwife · 08/10/2022 19:10

@monsteramunch Yes I do most of the housework, and DIY as he's hardly here. But I do pack his suitcase and wash the mountains of clothes when he returns. I also have "welcome" tattooed on my forhead, it would seem.😖

Well nip to the tattoo parlour and get ‘closed until further notice’ on your lulu too.

LemonDrop22 · 08/10/2022 19:12

Do you think he's come to some realisation about finances ie you currently do not own any part of his property. If you marry and later split, you'll have a shot at 50 per cent. Unless it's a short marriage.

Will be be liable for CM of your kids, if you marry and later split (?)