Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

Some people believe it's a shitty thing to do, some people believe the person not in the marriage owes those within it nothing - fair enough, difference of opinion.
But to write one camp off as purely coming from a place of woman hatred and the other from a more enlightened and progressive outlook is just plain wrong, and stupid.

Amen to that.

Otherwise women are what, just passive receptacles??

Of course not, they're just not men's gatekeepers.

I can decide to shag your husband. So fucking what? Until he decides he wants to shag me too, it's irrelevant. My decision breaks no commitment and causes nothing to happen. I'm not a passive receptacle, I'm just a totally powerless irrelevance. The decision is your husband's.

Unless you're happy for him to keep propositioning me and as long as I just keep saying no, all good, right?

Of course not. Because it all hinges on his actions and will.

If you shagged an OM, is your infidelity partly his fault? You're not solely responsible?

If I cheat I am responsible for my actions.

If some of OM friends decide they no longer want to be friends with him, that’s entirely a result of his own actions.

I wouldn’t have lied to him. He knew what he was doing when he chose to sleep with me. Hissed his own choice.

For me, being suspicious of the OW/OM isn't about whether or not they've had sex with my partner. It's about the fact that they think it's OK to have sex with someone who is supposedly committed to someone else. It's not an attitude I share. So yes, I would blame my partner if he were unfaithful. I blamed my mother when she was unfaithful to my father. But I do think the man who had an affair with my mother was also wrong. Sure, her acts were her responsibility. But he didn't need to do what he did.

There are single people out there. Pursue one of them. If you're only after fun, have it with someone who's available. If you're after something serious, don't have it with someone you're about to prove will break a commitment.

If I cheat I am responsible for my actions.

Indeed you are. Accepting that it's also entirely up to an individual whom they choose as a friend, what more needs to be said?

Which exactly what I have said all along

Because it shows her values don't match with mine. She's ok with hurting others for her own gain. And I don't want her to hurt me for her own gain.

Obviously.

I’ve already explained many times that I have never been an ow and am
posting from the perspective of someone whose dad had an affair

My apologies @MsPincher

I will own that.

@MytummydontjigglejiggleItfolds

Good post

Yep

Oh we're back to the lowest common denominator now, predictable.

I hope someone said that to Beyonce, when J Z was caught with his trollop.

Boyonce, you're as boring as fuck and I'm the best fuck in town, that's why you got shat on.

Or could it have been something else 🤔

Or maybe in a long term marriage boundaries were being enforced, 20/30/40 years is hard going with negotiations sometimes, some times the power balance swings too much on one side, it has to be reigned in sometimes and re addressed. Like you say it's never black and white, in many cases the mm man is just using the ow as payback to the wife, they have no intention or desire to leave.

It may have fuck all to do with sex, but it's difficult trying to explain that to women who clearly arn't keen on monogamous relationships and how compromises can lead to resentment and stand offs in a marriage.

It's never what ow think the excuse for them not getting on with their wives, you are always given one sided information that is invariably wrong.

You have to trust us on this one, we know what we are talking about, we know men and we know how easily they can use ow and discard them like yesterday's trash.

If you want to avoid the dangers of being used as a receptical as a pp stated then do your research, be a bit more discerning and have more respect for yourself.

You are not regarded highly in society, and all your pontificating about it will NEVER change that.

I've always found that amusing.
Withdraw all sex, tell hubby to like it or lump it, then act surprised when he goes and fucks someone else.

This thread is unbelievable. It's gone from discussing the morality of ow, to defenders of ow suggesting they're an exempt category who don't have any responsibility not to hurt others and suggesting it's somehow anti-feminist to say ow are responsible for their actions. Now ending with full-on misogynistic women-bashing with the suggestion women betrayed by their partners are somehow to blame for being lied to because they weren't having frequent enough sex. Just wow!

This exploded. Think I can conclude most wouldn't be friends with an OW.
Just saddens me how many people would drop long term friends who have supported them though life for this. In reality if everyone thought this way the OW could end up so isolated, depressed even as clearly their self esteem is already low. Life is so many shades of grey.

I know my friend will get hurt, but she's my friend and I'll be there to help her back up.

Thanks for everyone's contributions, I may not agree but thanks to those who kept things civil. Maybe we should leave it here.

You deciding you fancy and want to shag a married man is pretty horrible frankly. Of course it matters. He’s off the books, by his and his wife’s commitment to each other.
If he strays that’s his problem because that marriage is in trouble and agreed that’s not your issue.

but you go out out with people already committed its also your problem morally.. Not to his wife particularity but to being a decent human. You can’t take someone’s dog or cat because just they turn up to your house. You don’t take a handbag that’s been left in a cloakroom. He orShe belongs to another relationship Just no. They can separate first.

‘This exploded. Think I can conclude most wouldn't be friends with an OW.

Just saddens me how many people would drop long term friends who have supported them though life for this.’

honestly OP, this thread is NOT a reflection of real life . Think of all the friends you have had and some of the crazy/ bad/ dubious choices they have made - we all have had - and have you binned them? No. Because real friendship goes deeper than that.

The problem with this thread is that people are basing their imagined actions on a common trope of an OW. It's the stereotype that based on misogyny and easy to fall back on when you are hurt.
There is undoubtedly a small minority of women that couldn't care less about anyone but themselves and their own needs, and they should rightly be condemned, but the majority of OW are vulnerable naive women that will have been fed a pack of lies by some lecherous MM.
MM are not truthful about their marriages when there's a leg over involved.

There's also the uncomfortable truth that a lot of men seem to like another woman lined up before they end a relationship, so when they are telling the ow that the marriage is over, they may well be speaking truth.
I had a friend a few years back telling me about a MM she was seeing, she was in her late 40's at the time, 'his marriage was over etc. and they were living separate lives'. I inwardly rolled my eyes, thinking she was old enough to know better. He left and they are now happily married. It makes me wonder if the wife was aware that the marriage was over, before he upped sticks and left. She might be on here venting about the cheating scumbag, or maybe it was all very amicable.

It' is incredibly painful to be cheated on, but it's not always a black and white situation.

Amen @kittenkerfuffle

@kittenkerfuffle

So you don't actually have any 1st hand experience.

If a MM lies about the state of his marriage that's irrelevant! All a woman needs to know is that he is married and if she has anything about her she won't go near him! Most women know that these men lie but OW choose to believe it because it helps her feel less scummy about behaving so badly.

Yes I do. In my situation the woman in question was undoubtedly vulnerable and being manipulated and lied to by my cheating ex. Have no feelings about her, my vitriol is aimed at my ex.
But the question is not about my experience of cheating, it is about whether I would end a friendship if they were seeing a MM. My response is I wouldn't unless the friend expressed zero fucks for the wife, but I would expect an attitude like that to spill out in other ways into the friendship, so can't imagine I would be friends with someone like that anyway.

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Anyone else disappointed int he

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