Why do women hate an OW?

[Oatmealbiscuits]

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

I'd not want to be friends with someone who could engage in a relationship that would cause someone else untold pain, be it kids or the wife or husband in the case of OM.

Because she's enabling a cheater?
Because she's being a ( insert a derogatory word here.(
Because she is deliberately undermining a marriage and possibly a family.
Because she lacks empathy.

Yes the man is complicit but we need to send a message to these men saying 'here's your partner and family, respect them. If you want out then go, don't drag a floozy into the mix.'

Personally I think it's a deeply misogynistic ingrained response.

When people have an affair, IME the women always bears the brunt of the criticism.

Obviously in ideal world this wouldn't ever happen but we don't live in an ideal world.

FWIW I'm not an OW but a friend was. She was in a shit marriage (as was her affair partner) and frankly meeting each other was the catalyst to move forward to a much better life. Otherwise they'd have both probably soldiered on, unhappy and unfulfilled.

I reserve my scathing for the serial cheats. People who want their cake and eat it. Happy in marriage but enjoy the thrill of a bit extra.

In addition (and this won't be popular) I'm often by how many people are surprised when their partner has an affair after years of them not wanting sex/can't be arsed to make an effort etc (caveat here is health issues).

Someone in my social circle spent years treating her DH like a handyman/lodger/housemate/bank/doormat after spending all her energy on being "the best mother ever" and couldn't fathom why he left her for someone else, when everyone else was surprised he had not left sooner.

I used to be of the opinion that it is the married persons responsibility as you said, ie they are the ones that made the commitment etc etc but this is when I was actually an OW and was trying to justify my behaviour.

Actually though, even if you are not the one in a relationship, of course you have a moral obligation to not be doing something like that to another person, it’s just not right is it.

i would never again want to be the kind of Woman that does that to another woman, I would never again want to be the cause of another woman’s pain and anguish, it’s just a really shitty thing to do. And Of course it doesn’t define your whole character but it definitely means you need to take a look at why you would think it’s okay to do it.

I wouldn't want to be friends with anyone, male or female, who was involved in an affair whether they are the other woman/man, or the one in relationship.

It shows a willingness to lie, very different values to mine and a lack of empathy.

The one that always mystifies me
is the kids allow their dad back into their lives but the OW is vilified forever and treated like a pariah.

Fear.
It"s like sharia law on mumsnet sometimes.
I wouldn't recommend a friend to be an "ow".
I'd be concerned for her.

When it comes to talk about "morals" there are so many things that are worse than consensual sex

Because they knowingly wreak havoc on people's lives then turn around and say "I wasn't the one who left" etc. Therefore accepting no responsibility.
I prefer to trust my friends, hate drama queens and manipulative behavior.

What!!

erm because she is a home wrecker, obviously has no morals. No guilt for what she is doing. Totally selfish and putting her self-esteem, excitement and orgasms above a childhood growing up as a family.

No empathy for the wife - or she wouldn’t continue doing it.

Stupid to think, ‘he’s a nice guy, he’s unhappy at home etc’ - probably because she thinks she is so amazing she is the first.

I understand it but I also know a lovely woman who was the OW for many years. She loved him and I think he loved her but she didn't want to break up his marriage and really she wasted years of her life just seeing him when she could.

It was sad when he died suddenly and no one told her as really no one knew about her. She is alone and in her 80s.

100%

Not in this context, op is talking about OW in general.as friends not the wife blaming the other woman. It's not internalised misogyny to say I think someone who has an affair with a married man does.not share the same morals as me.and I wouldn't find them trustworthy

It's definitely a lack of morals.
But tbh I thought from your title you meant why does the wife blame the OW, and the answer to that is probably because it's such a huge betrayal by the husband who you thought loved you exclusively so it's easier to blame the OW.

Yes it’s the man who’s broken his vows but that doesn’t make it any less shitty to get involved with a married man.

Someone I love dearly was an OW.

I accept she did it for love, and the relationship has endured.

However I can never forget the hurt and misery that other people experienced because of the affair, and that continues years later. All of which was caused by the OW and her affair partner.

I'd never be friends with someone like that, I won't put why because none of the words (all descriptive are nice or polite)
Of course the man is to blame but if she knew he was married with/without kids that just makes her a complete tramp (politest word I can think of) and him a scumbag.

If I was ever friends with someone that gross, I'd never trust them near my man that's for sure!

@Oatmealbiscuits I’m friends with people for a variety of things but part of that is shared opinions and moral compass.

so your mate has an affair with a married man and that’s ok as it doesn’t impact you.

what if she’s racist. That’s ok as she’s not racist against you?

What if she’s a homophobic, bible bashing, vegan, racist who votes Tory and is happy about Brexit and wants all asylum seekers to drown on their way over here? Still friends?

where do you draw the line on how someone acts and what you think of them? To me - they aren’t the person I thought they were and I’m done.

whilst I have friends who have different political and religious beliefs etc… I have strong boundaries on what I can’t ignore in a person.

I hate people in groups where everyone knows Karen’s having an affair and knobbing Sandra’s husband…. But they still all socialise with the oblivious partners involved and ignore the whole situation as it isn’t their business. These OW and OMs behaviour has far reaching effects on marriages, families and friends. Sod ignoring it.

Why mystifies? We let our Dad back into our lives because he’s our Dad and at the heart of it we love him, but we’ve all struggled to forgive him for hurting our mum, and it’s taken a long time to get to the point we can see him and talk normally with him (it’s been 18 years!)

None of us owe it to the ow involved to build a relationship with her, she showed no empathy or thought for us, so we owe her nothing. If we didn’t love our dad, we’d owe him nothing either - the historic relationship we have with him means we’ve had to work hard to rebuild our relationship with him, we don’t have the time, inclination or desire to build anything with the ow.

I think the ‘they don’t owe me anything’ is bullshit.

Do you usually go round being an active participant in other peoples abuse and pain and it’s ok Cause you didn’t explicitly promise them that you wouldn’t?

Do you often happily help screw an individual over and think it’s fine because you don’t know them?

I consider an affair to be abusive and would not be friends with someone, who (knowingly) participated in abusing someone. It doesn’t make it ok that they don’t know the person on the receiving end of the abuse.

It’s not misogyny, I wouldn’t be friends with anyone of either sex who was having an affair, whether they were married themselves or their affair partner was.

Just a complete difference of moral standards to me. Yuk.

I don't judge men who cheat any differently to women who cheat.

It says a lot about the persons character, morals and boundaries.

They are a liar, a cheat and cannot be trusted to do the right thing. They are selfish and know they are putting their own desires above everything else.

If I can't trust someone and their judgement and their behaviour, why on earth would I want to be friends with them?

Condemning people for their mistakes isn't very moral either for those claiming their vitriolic response is a moral stance.

If an existing friend became the OW, I’d stay friends with her regardless.

It’s possible to like the person but not approve of their behaviour.

The husband of one of my best friends had an affair that all but destroyed her. A few years on, he remains a good friend of ours and we went to his wedding to the OW. His new wife is now a friend too. His ex remains one of our best friends.

It’s just too simplistic to automatically hate the OW.

Lack of moral fibre
Lack of judgement
And pretty scummy person

A mistake would be a one night stand with a married man. An affair is something else.