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Original poster

Why do women hate an OW?

1000 replies

Oatmealbiscuits · 08/10/2022 17:47

When a woman is seeing a married man, why do people say they wouldn't want her as a friend, in their lives anymore etc? Why are they judged solely on one thing when there may be so many other positives to their character.

I'm curious really, for the record I'm not an other woman, but my friend is. It's her business and I shall be there when the shit inevitably hits the fan.

If some posters on here had their way, she wouldn't have friends and would be isolated and lonely. I just don't think anyone deserves that when in reality it's the man who has taken vows.

OP posts:
roestbruin · 10/10/2022 23:27

💯 Everything @Amybelle88 says, @Skydaze

FarmhouseLiving22 · 10/10/2022 23:31

I see it as a huge red flag. Especially if the man they are the OW to has kids - that's alarm bells going off!! A friend of mine from years ago is always having flings with married men and brags about it all the time. That lack of morality seeps into other areas of her life making her a dreadful friend (we no longer speak!). She does it as she has a bit of a chip on her shoulder that she can "get one up on someone" (the wife) and it's completely disgusting. She's always chiselling away at bills too, like if she gets her hair done, even if she loves it, she'll complain and get some money off and then brag how she "got one up" on them. Awful.

ViolinPin · 11/10/2022 00:13

@Skydaze

Yes, an illuminating post.

So sorry for your loss Flowers

Skydaze · 11/10/2022 00:13

@Amybelle88 Thank you, that means a lot. It still gives me the rage and heartsickness when I think about it, tragic and cruel are very apt descriptions.

I had also never thought of affairs in terms of sexual consent and bodily autonomy before this. It's a massive issue that is buried deep and overlooked. But once you can't see it you can't unsee it.

Skydaze · 11/10/2022 00:14

@roestbruin @ViolinPin thank you, it means a lot.

Skydaze · 11/10/2022 00:15

Skydaze · 11/10/2022 00:13

@Amybelle88 Thank you, that means a lot. It still gives me the rage and heartsickness when I think about it, tragic and cruel are very apt descriptions.

I had also never thought of affairs in terms of sexual consent and bodily autonomy before this. It's a massive issue that is buried deep and overlooked. But once you can't see it you can't unsee it.

*Once you see it you can't unsee it.

WisherWood · 11/10/2022 08:26

For me, there are two issues. First, if a spouse cheats on their spouse, they are 100% responsible for their cheating. That is their action and their decision. They are the ones breaking vows. But the OP didn't really ask about that, which is why I didn't dwell on that side of things.

The OP was asking why people were so hard on the OW, even if they weren't the one cheated on. For me, this is the second issue. It is the taking part in cheating and for that decision, the OW or OM are responsible. And I think @Skydaze has articulated why I find that behaviour so problematic. Of course, this is different if you don't know you're the other person in this. But if you know, you are doing harm to the other spouse. You are complicit in something that is damaging to another person. And whilst I think the first transgression, of cheating on your spouse, is worse, the second transgression of being complicit is a shit thing to do as well.

Now, you can call me misogynistic if you like. Or thick, or whatever. But I still don't get why it's OK to have an affair because you haven't made any vows to the person being cheated on. Clearly you become connected to them when you start shagging the same person as them. And that is a problem. Yes, the married person is doing something far worse, but it does mean your decisions are, to me, distinctly questionable.

Amybelle88 · 11/10/2022 08:57

There are so many posts throwing mysoginist shouts around, I've been accused of it myself, even though I referred to the par-takers of an affair as humans or people, not by sex.

There's still no definitive answer from the mysoginist gang, here, is it mysoginist to still think the OW is foul if it's a same sex couple?!

It's faux feminism, it's baffling, it's not mysoginistic to say a person is vile for intentionally and knowingly hurting another person, regardless of gender.

Inserting a 'one size fits all' argument of "well if you don't see why it's mysoginistic then that says it all and you're completely missing the point" also doesn't quite cut it.

Amybelle88 · 11/10/2022 08:57

Skydaze · 11/10/2022 00:13

@Amybelle88 Thank you, that means a lot. It still gives me the rage and heartsickness when I think about it, tragic and cruel are very apt descriptions.

I had also never thought of affairs in terms of sexual consent and bodily autonomy before this. It's a massive issue that is buried deep and overlooked. But once you can't see it you can't unsee it.

I'll never, ever look at it any other way, now.

I can't believe I never saw it this way before, mind blowing!

bloodyplanes · 11/10/2022 09:28

WisherWood · 11/10/2022 08:26

For me, there are two issues. First, if a spouse cheats on their spouse, they are 100% responsible for their cheating. That is their action and their decision. They are the ones breaking vows. But the OP didn't really ask about that, which is why I didn't dwell on that side of things.

The OP was asking why people were so hard on the OW, even if they weren't the one cheated on. For me, this is the second issue. It is the taking part in cheating and for that decision, the OW or OM are responsible. And I think @Skydaze has articulated why I find that behaviour so problematic. Of course, this is different if you don't know you're the other person in this. But if you know, you are doing harm to the other spouse. You are complicit in something that is damaging to another person. And whilst I think the first transgression, of cheating on your spouse, is worse, the second transgression of being complicit is a shit thing to do as well.

Now, you can call me misogynistic if you like. Or thick, or whatever. But I still don't get why it's OK to have an affair because you haven't made any vows to the person being cheated on. Clearly you become connected to them when you start shagging the same person as them. And that is a problem. Yes, the married person is doing something far worse, but it does mean your decisions are, to me, distinctly questionable.

Spot on

bloodyplanes · 11/10/2022 09:33

Hearthnhome · 10/10/2022 18:42

So from this thread I have learned that some people think it’s misogynistic to say that women are responsible for their own choices.

Its misogynistic to talk about how affairs involve abuse and in no other situation would you absolve someone of supporting and taking part in that abuse.

But it’s ideal feminist behaviour to;

To say that is a married woman stays with her cheater of a husband, it’s because she must have worst taste in men than the OW. Completely ignoring the economical and emotional fallout for women and children over a split. The married woman must have chosen to do so because she thinks the man is a prize. It’s also ok to talk about her choice with slight contempt.

To play down the married woman’s reaction to being cheated on and the impact on her mental health because ‘well she must have been mentally ill before this to have such a reaction’

To refer to the men as potential suitors and feel it’s ridiculous for any woman to turn down a potential suitor based on the fact that his is married, as though women have a duty to find a man, any man and should never turn down a man who is interested.

To pretend that womens agency disappears when they approached by a Married man. They can’t be responsible for their own actions

That women have a get out clause of ‘well if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else’, I assume that pertains to any behaviour. Bullying a co-worker for example. It’s ok to do, because if they weren’t doing it, someone else would. Or maybe it’s only when married men are involved in the bullying as well it’s ok.

Women don’t have to ever think about the impact of their actions, unless they have entered a contract with someone.

To liken OW to prostitutes As long as you believe the mythical misogynistic trope of the ‘happy hooker’

That women are misogynistic for not wanting to be friends with someone who part takes in the abuse of another woman.

Pretend that OW that have no clue they are the OW are exactly the same as OW who do know and make a choice. Completely ignoring the lack of choice on the part of the first group. Ignoring that consent may have been with held, has the first group known.

Not be able to provide one other example where 2 people take part in abuse or any poor behaviour but only one is deemed to have any responsibility at all.

Odd thread.

Absolutely 👏👏

ihatesteve · 11/10/2022 09:59

Because its vile. So desperate and lacking in self respect they have to fuck someone elses husband. The husbands are shits too of course.

Its often financially motivated too. Scum.

MsPincher · 11/10/2022 11:25

Amybelle88 · 11/10/2022 08:57

There are so many posts throwing mysoginist shouts around, I've been accused of it myself, even though I referred to the par-takers of an affair as humans or people, not by sex.

There's still no definitive answer from the mysoginist gang, here, is it mysoginist to still think the OW is foul if it's a same sex couple?!

It's faux feminism, it's baffling, it's not mysoginistic to say a person is vile for intentionally and knowingly hurting another person, regardless of gender.

Inserting a 'one size fits all' argument of "well if you don't see why it's mysoginistic then that says it all and you're completely missing the point" also doesn't quite cut it.

It’s misogynist to blame women for mens transgressions. As we often see - the evil ow, tempting the man away. He couldn’t cheat without her etc. it’s on this thread over and over.

it is the person who cheats fault that they cheated. No one else.

DeeCeeCherry · 11/10/2022 11:33

Women who dont respect themselves and let weak selfish men have their cake and eat it, dont nake very good friends I find. Having an affair is their choice of course but Ive more than once had to swerve friends who appear to have suddenly chosen me as their sounding board and want to talk about the man/their affair ALL the time. 1 subject. Its boring and tedious and I am not making time in my life for all that. Id rather cut the friendship

MsPincher · 11/10/2022 11:35

Hearthnhome · 10/10/2022 18:42

So from this thread I have learned that some people think it’s misogynistic to say that women are responsible for their own choices.

Its misogynistic to talk about how affairs involve abuse and in no other situation would you absolve someone of supporting and taking part in that abuse.

But it’s ideal feminist behaviour to;

To say that is a married woman stays with her cheater of a husband, it’s because she must have worst taste in men than the OW. Completely ignoring the economical and emotional fallout for women and children over a split. The married woman must have chosen to do so because she thinks the man is a prize. It’s also ok to talk about her choice with slight contempt.

To play down the married woman’s reaction to being cheated on and the impact on her mental health because ‘well she must have been mentally ill before this to have such a reaction’

To refer to the men as potential suitors and feel it’s ridiculous for any woman to turn down a potential suitor based on the fact that his is married, as though women have a duty to find a man, any man and should never turn down a man who is interested.

To pretend that womens agency disappears when they approached by a Married man. They can’t be responsible for their own actions

That women have a get out clause of ‘well if it wasn’t me, it would be someone else’, I assume that pertains to any behaviour. Bullying a co-worker for example. It’s ok to do, because if they weren’t doing it, someone else would. Or maybe it’s only when married men are involved in the bullying as well it’s ok.

Women don’t have to ever think about the impact of their actions, unless they have entered a contract with someone.

To liken OW to prostitutes As long as you believe the mythical misogynistic trope of the ‘happy hooker’

That women are misogynistic for not wanting to be friends with someone who part takes in the abuse of another woman.

Pretend that OW that have no clue they are the OW are exactly the same as OW who do know and make a choice. Completely ignoring the lack of choice on the part of the first group. Ignoring that consent may have been with held, has the first group known.

Not be able to provide one other example where 2 people take part in abuse or any poor behaviour but only one is deemed to have any responsibility at all.

Odd thread.

You made all of that up. No one said any of that. What is misogynist is blaming women for mens cheating. You cannot hold the entire female population of the world responsible for your dh keeping it in his pants. He needs to take sole responsibility for that.

Amybelle88 · 11/10/2022 11:36

@MsPincher what about same sex couples who cheat?!?!

MsPincher · 11/10/2022 11:38

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 10/10/2022 17:04

The comments upthread about cultural misogyny, the stigmatizing of female sexual behaviour whilst giving males a free (hall) pass for committing 3x the indiscretions committed by females whilst they are censured for as little as wearing low-cut tops, are bang on the money. So, too, are the concerns which to my mind are serious: that women's rights, autonomy, and even agency are currently going backward, fueled by the likes of the red pill/incel sites legitimizing views that would have been seen as antediluvian if spoken in public a mere two decades ago. That's without the current in-vogue assumption from some quarters that 'woman' is itself a dirty word. We've moved from certain significant milestones: legislation against marital rape, protections in the work space, back to women being stigmatized as taboo.

One double standard we've never moved past is that of women's sexual behaviour receiving far harsher censure than anything a man would do. For this, you need only to look at the taboo language surrounding promiscuous women as opposed to promiscuous men to see precisely how stark this divide is.

The risible observation that 'if women didn't make themselves available', man wouldn't cheat' is a case in point. This is infantalizing men, denying their agency for their own choices of behaviour, whilst putting the blame squarely on women. Plus sa change.

See also: 'we had a wonderful relationship with our son until he married HER!'

The married man is divested of any responsibility whatsoever whilst so easy a scapegoat exists. It's blatant misogyny, aside from which, it's actually insulting to men.

This. My dad cheated and didn’t bother to stay in touch with his own children. His responsibility not the ow/his new wife.

MsPincher · 11/10/2022 11:41

Amybelle88 · 11/10/2022 11:36

@MsPincher what about same sex couples who cheat?!?!

The fault is 100% with the cheater same as opposite sex couples. Why would it be different?

in same sex couples there isn’t usually the same misogynist tropes blaming the ow/om though. Which tells you a lot.

Amybelle88 · 11/10/2022 11:43

@MsPincher

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY on this thread is solely blaming the OW.

2 way street.

The OW is complicit. He's the cheater, but she's knowingly par taking in something that hurts another person. Same theory stands for same sex couples.

ViolinPin · 11/10/2022 11:53

Apparently, Tis a noble profession to be an ow. Their cause is selfless and pricipaled and only par taken for the good of the women's movement. It has nothing to do with having shag on the 3rd floor office cubby hole if that's what people think.

It's about the ideals and beliefs of a fairer society whereby women can be accused of being skanks in equal measures, to live a life without morals and be wholly avoidant of accountability, (just like their hero's, men).
To be lacking in feelings and emotions, to be spitefully inconsiderate and much much more.

Yes theirs is a noble ideal, so ladies remember

If you want to fight misogyny.....

Do it with your knickers down with a married man 👅

whumpthereitis · 11/10/2022 11:58

roestbruin · 10/10/2022 21:05

@whumpthereitis Well yes that's true, someone has to believe in an idea for it to have any power at all. Also true that someone who doesn't believe in this idea isn't beholden to it. 🙄But not true that they cannot be affected by it or benefit from it, wether they believe in it or not. No one is an island and all that.

Show quote history

Outside of the laws we are bound to, of course it does. Someone can believe I’m beholden to the teachings of Odin, means fuck all to me unless I also subscribe to that view. Same principle applies 🤷🏻‍♀️

Meili04 · 11/10/2022 11:58

Because wives//partners worry the OW will want to steal their man (subconsciously) so it's gatekeeping. Many women see their partners as possessions who can be stolen.

Gotskeaswr · 11/10/2022 11:59

‘mysoginist to still think the OW is foul if it's a same sex couple?!’

misogyny is an ingrained prejudice against or contempt for women, all women. They could be gay, bi, straight whatever.

but as I said before the same demonisation of the other woman as some kind of partner stealing, house-wrecking harlot who the partner is powerless to resist isn’t a thing in same-sex relationships.
The main anger, fury, disappointment or whatever is very much aimed against the cheating partner.
I had a GF cheat on me, I didn’t blame the OW at all TBH. She didn’t know me, or not very well anyway. If was my GF I was pissed off at, and got rid off ASAP.

MsPincher · 11/10/2022 12:00

Skydaze · 11/10/2022 00:13

@Amybelle88 Thank you, that means a lot. It still gives me the rage and heartsickness when I think about it, tragic and cruel are very apt descriptions.

I had also never thought of affairs in terms of sexual consent and bodily autonomy before this. It's a massive issue that is buried deep and overlooked. But once you can't see it you can't unsee it.

sorry for your loss. But again a cheater has to bear responsibility for his actions (which include passing on stds). An ow has no say or influence on what her tells his wife or if he has sex with her (I imagine often he tells her he isn’t).

Gotskeaswr · 11/10/2022 12:01

As a gay woman I’m lucky enough to avoid most of the double standards that apply to the behaviour of men versus straight women.
it’s one of the many pluses - almost makes up for homophobia…

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