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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t turn the heating on, but goes on a massive night out

244 replies

Willywonkamum · 08/10/2022 13:36

Cost of living crisis, soaring energy bills..you know the score. DH is very much of the “put on another jumper” type (ps I’m already wearing one, thick socks and slippers in the house, on occasion a jacket), all on the pretence that we need to be cautious with bills etc. but I feel like this is the only area of his life he is frugal with, meanwhile he pays for rounds of drinks after work, going out for lunch everyday when working in the office, whilst I suppose my work doesn’t have that culture. I suppose my argument is, well maybe if you didn’t spend all that money on beers/took a pack lunch to work every once in a while then we could put the heating on, so that I’m not sitting working from home with a hot water bottle. Please feel free to tell me I am being unreasonable but I just don’t feel we are aligned on the financial priorities….what do I do?

OP posts:
Kennykenkencat · 08/10/2022 20:04

What I don’t get when people say put more clothes on to warm up rather than put the heating on is your face is still cold. I have tried it when the heating packed up once for for a few days.
I couldn’t concentrate on anything apart from trying to keep warm and it didn’t matter how many layers I put on my gloved hands were cold as I had to keep putting on and taking off my gloves to do anything and my face was freezing. I felt awful.
I have a bad enough time in winter in this country with central heating. Without would mean I shut down.
I like heat. Without it I seize up. Literally

RosesAndHellebores · 08/10/2022 20:06

@Kennykenkencat I think if you start the day cold, it's hard to warm up again.

Kennykenkencat · 08/10/2022 20:10

RosesAndHellebores · 08/10/2022 20:06

@Kennykenkencat I think if you start the day cold, it's hard to warm up again.

So how do you start the day warm if you don’t put the heating on.

Years ago we were in Florida. The weatherman said it was something like 112degrees in the shade.
It goes down as the first time I felt like my bones were warm.

I went for a run. I loved it.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/10/2022 20:12

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 08/10/2022 19:48

My goodness what bizarre comments. I've always taken the attitude of put more clothes on, not put on the heating. Not sure why that offends so many of you or why you think the rude comments were justified.

Up to you of course, carry on not caring a fig about global warming and I hope you're looking forward to your sky high energy bills.

Well, I can afford more expensive energy bills so what's the issue with that?
I think you need to look up how much energy Industry uses before thinking you wearing fingerless gloves contributes anything to helping to planet. Oh maybe it will. One whole fig.

Suzi888 · 08/10/2022 20:14

Well I’m on his side- he’s not there, why put the heating on?
Just kidding - if you want it on, put it on. If he won’t “let you” you have bigger problems.

PrincessButtercupToo · 08/10/2022 20:16

Bywayofanupdate · 08/10/2022 13:47

Putting the heating on is basic, going out for drinks and buying lunch are luxuries. Does he realise this?

That depends. It’d be ludicrous for us to have the heating on yet in London, but going out is normal for us.

MrsMinted · 08/10/2022 20:18

Personally I think your budget should be the other way around so you both put all your income in the joint account then each get x amount as a direct debit back to your personal account.

PS my dh is a bit like yours… I play the game and keep the heating off until I can’t stand it, then it goes on!

Longleggedgiraffe · 08/10/2022 20:34

Don't ask. Just put the heating on if you want it on. End of.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 08/10/2022 20:50

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2022 17:16

Put the heating on. I’m having a bit of a stand off with dh and refusing to heat the bedrooms apart from dd’s (teen, who is in there a lot) as it isn’t necessary to have a warm bedroom to sleep and body heat plus a shower warmth enough in the morning. I am heating the room, where I spend all day when needed but it’s mostly warm enough from the sun streaming in. I am ill so cannot work and am trying to be as frugal as possible but being cold is not on.

Put the heating on. Zip round the house turning off all the radiators and just keep the room you’re in warm. Your husband is warm all day in the office, in the car (or other transport) and down the pub. You have equal rights to him and a right to be warm too.

Hang on a minute, you’re saying put the heating on even though the OPs husband doesn’t want it on, while also saying you won’t let your husband put the heating on in the bedroom because you don’t think it needs to be on. I’m struggling to see how you reconcile those two contradictory positions!!

I hate a cold bedroom when getting up, and would have been pretty vociferous if my husband had insisted on controlling the heating in the bedroom.

yerdaindicatesonbends · 08/10/2022 21:49

Grandeur · 08/10/2022 17:33

@yerdaindicatesonbends You don't have to pop in to tell me anything, darling. The temperature difference between where I live and where OP lives is 2 degrees, so clearly not that extreme of a difference. Everyones walking round in t-shirts round here! Thank heavens you don't live in the olden days when heating didn't exist, you wouldn't have survived!

Show quote history

@Grandeur I wasn’t aware OP gave her precise location other than country. And I’m genuinely chuffed that you guys are still rocking t-shirts whilst it has been gloves and scarf weather a few days this past week here. I’ve also seen frost on the inside of windows in my time, so what a strange assumption considering I am currently alive and well.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2022 22:51

Tryingtokeepgoing · 08/10/2022 20:50

Hang on a minute, you’re saying put the heating on even though the OPs husband doesn’t want it on, while also saying you won’t let your husband put the heating on in the bedroom because you don’t think it needs to be on. I’m struggling to see how you reconcile those two contradictory positions!!

I hate a cold bedroom when getting up, and would have been pretty vociferous if my husband had insisted on controlling the heating in the bedroom.

Show quote history

Dh doesn’t want to adapt and wear clothes. He waltzes around in short sleeves and complains he’s cold. I’ve bought him a tech fleece but apparently that’s to go out in. I may need to resort to buying an oodie. When I say warm bedroom, he wants it at 20. It’s 17.6 in the bedroom, not 14. This is not too cold for the 2 mins it takes to get undressed and into bed. He just needs to sleep in a t-shirt.

Looneytune253 · 09/10/2022 13:45

Tell him you're happy to spend the money you don't spend going out out on heating

Oscarsdaddy · 09/10/2022 18:18

The trouble is that putting ‘another jumper’ on just doesn’t work, if you are cold then you are cold.

We have now got into the habit of closing all internal downstairs doors and having the heating on 6-7pm and that keeps the kitchen/diner and lounge areas warm all evening. The heating then goes on for half an hour upstairs 15 minutes either side of kids bedtime and then 15 minutes before we go to bed. Seems to to the trick at the moment.

YANBU so just put the heating on and if he says anything just remind him how he can save money on his lifestyle if he’s so worried.

Hmm1234 · 09/10/2022 18:28

Just the heating on! we already can’t afford it with being ‘careful’

vanilli78 · 09/10/2022 18:32

Turn the heating on. Wearing layers and a jacket indoors with a hot water bottle while he buys rounds of drinks and lunches out is not on!

Chooksnroses · 09/10/2022 19:12

First of all, find out how much he's spending and put a similar amount in a secret bank account. You'll need that money when you split up. And put the heating on

Daffi · 09/10/2022 19:38

It's not that cold yet. But he shouldn't piss it up the wall.

Montypi · 09/10/2022 19:42

I don’t know where you live but I’m in the North and work from home. I also have thick socks and slippers on, a big jumper and a hot water bottle while I’m sitting at my desk. I’m doing my best not to put the heating on but it’s cold. Especially when you’re not moving around. I have the opposite problem. My partner puts the heating on the second he comes home from work.

Solonge · 09/10/2022 19:57

Worrying that you say your husband wont put the heating on.....is he the boss? you wouldnt put the heating on without his say so? that isnt a partnership....it appears he is the parent and you do as you are told. If he was being careful in other areas absolutely....I would ask him a few questions...1. do you work in a heated office? 2. Do you pay for lunches when you could take a packed lunch? 3. Do you buy drinks afterwork for colleagues? 4. Do you enjoy big nights out when you spend? if he answer yes to all or most....then you have made your point...why the fuck should you be sitting in a cold house, eating home made sarnies...not going out when your husband is having a whale of a time?

slowquickstep · 09/10/2022 19:58

If you are all freezing even in your jumpers gloves etc you need to pit a hat on or just turn the bloody heating on

hamptonedge · 09/10/2022 20:14

Do you not know who to switch the heating on? I really don't understand people who say 'my husband won't turn the heating on.' Do it yourself then- what sort of partnership is that if he dictates weather you sit and shiver or not??

Grrrrdarling · 09/10/2022 20:17

Willywonkamum · 08/10/2022 13:36

Cost of living crisis, soaring energy bills..you know the score. DH is very much of the “put on another jumper” type (ps I’m already wearing one, thick socks and slippers in the house, on occasion a jacket), all on the pretence that we need to be cautious with bills etc. but I feel like this is the only area of his life he is frugal with, meanwhile he pays for rounds of drinks after work, going out for lunch everyday when working in the office, whilst I suppose my work doesn’t have that culture. I suppose my argument is, well maybe if you didn’t spend all that money on beers/took a pack lunch to work every once in a while then we could put the heating on, so that I’m not sitting working from home with a hot water bottle. Please feel free to tell me I am being unreasonable but I just don’t feel we are aligned on the financial priorities….what do I do?

Sounds like financial control to me & that is a red flag.
Put the heating on if you need to & see how he reacts. If he kicks off that is a 2nd red flag & you now know you need to make plans for your future!
If he is happy to waste money you don’t have in nights out & paying for lunches instead of taking them with him to work then yes his priorities are all wrong & you should not be made to suffer at home because of his choices!!

IsHeLyingAgain · 09/10/2022 20:24

Sorry op, I voted yabu because you let your partner make your decisions. I don't understand how he can forbid you from switching the heating on. He's away at work, your at home. So get up, switch that boiler on. It's not like he's the only one working, you are too, and you should be comfortable whilst doing so.
Are you afraid he could become violent/abusive if you switch on the heating?
Btw I'm in Scotland, so not exactly the equator, but I'm sitting comfortably in my living room in just a t-shirt

Maryminx · 09/10/2022 20:36

Put the heating on. He sounds a selfish and uncaring devil.
u work, so. Pay for the heating too.
u need to have a serious talk with him

Twopandemicpregnancies · 09/10/2022 20:37

We each pay money into the joint account in proportion to what we earn which covers bills, nursery fees etc

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