Husband won’t turn the heating on, but goes on a massive night out

[Willywonkamum]

Cost of living crisis, soaring energy bills..you know the score. DH is very much of the “put on another jumper” type (ps I’m already wearing one, thick socks and slippers in the house, on occasion a jacket), all on the pretence that we need to be cautious with bills etc. but I feel like this is the only area of his life he is frugal with, meanwhile he pays for rounds of drinks after work, going out for lunch everyday when working in the office, whilst I suppose my work doesn’t have that culture. I suppose my argument is, well maybe if you didn’t spend all that money on beers/took a pack lunch to work every once in a while then we could put the heating on, so that I’m not sitting working from home with a hot water bottle. Please feel free to tell me I am being unreasonable but I just don’t feel we are aligned on the financial priorities….what do I do?

Thats easy. Not all people are the same as you. They come from different backrounds, different upbringing and different habits.

you need to properly budget together. That includes him either having personal money he can spend on what he wants (and you have personal money too) or you have a budget for "socialising" or whatever you want to call it.

We have our heating off (and will have it off as long as possible even if it means layers, hot waters bottles, blankets) because we want to have some money for doing "nice stuff". It sounds at the moment as if your heating money is in the same bucket as your DH's going out money, so there is an unnecessary point of contention.

Why haven't you put the heating on yourself? You seem to be avoiding the question

We don’t - married 25 years, 3 kids and both work. Never had a single row or even a lengthy convo about money.

This.

Why a grown ass adult woman needs permission from a man to put the heating on is beyond me. Is this a Scottish thing?

We have Nest and we set it so that if the temperature in the house gets below a certain point the heating automatically kicks in.

Why can people not work out that everyone's house is not the same internal temperature?

I haven't put the heating on yet this year because my house hasn't gone below 19. That doesn't make me some kind of Spartan warrior bravely battling the elements. It makes me a person with good insulation.

Put the heating on. I’m having a bit of a stand off with dh and refusing to heat the bedrooms apart from dd’s (teen, who is in there a lot) as it isn’t necessary to have a warm bedroom to sleep and body heat plus a shower warmth enough in the morning. I am heating the room, where I spend all day when needed but it’s mostly warm enough from the sun streaming in. I am ill so cannot work and am trying to be as frugal as possible but being cold is not on.

Put the heating on. Zip round the house turning off all the radiators and just keep the room you’re in warm. Your husband is warm all day in the office, in the car (or other transport) and down the pub. You have equal rights to him and a right to be warm too.

I haven't RTFT but I say put the heating on! your husband is being extremely selfish and to refuse and be pedantic about this, especially when you live in Scotland where it's cold, it's bordering on financial abuse

Why would it be a Scottish thing?

I agree with others if you pay towards the heating bill then put it on if you need it on. Especially if you're wfh. I doubt dh asks 'permission' for his frivolous spending so you don't need to for putting the heating on.

Also, lunch out everyday? Unnecessary luxury in this current climate imo.

If it’s 37 degrees outside and I want the heating on I’ll be fucked if I need anyone’s permission especially when there’s no major financial issue.

Why is it his decision ?

I am out in a t.shirt and quite warm.

No one has bothered to put the heating on in our house

The wasting money on other things is abuse. But I think it's a separate issue.

But I am a bit surprised that everyone thinks the OP should just put the heating on. We need to conserve energy - if we have energy blackouts this winter nobody will be happy, but they will have a disproportionately worse effect on people in Scotland and the north of England. Everyone should be considering if they really really need it on or not (in Scotland you may well do, especially if you live in the damper western side).

Since we married DH and I have always - regardless of individual earnings - kept the same amount back for personal monthly 'spends' and put the rest into the joint account. It works well for us.

First - YANBU, although what would happen if you just - put the heating on?

second - don’t know if it’s useful but I WFH and we’ve also been trying to keep the heating off as much as poss. We’ve found that putting it on for an hour heats the whole house which then seems to stay warm for the rest of the day.

@yerdaindicatesonbends You don't have to pop in to tell me anything, darling. The temperature difference between where I live and where OP lives is 2 degrees, so clearly not that extreme of a difference. Everyones walking round in t-shirts round here! Thank heavens you don't live in the olden days when heating didn't exist, you wouldn't have survived!

Hi op what have you decided to do?

Please tell me this is a joke? What a selfish fucking twat

I would get a joint account that you both have any earnings paid into and all direct debits being taken out of.

You should have an idea about what your monthly bills are
Set a monthly budget for food and petrol and things like holidays, days out, presents etc which also can be left in the account
Again these should be very similar each month. You both need money to work. You can’t work in the freezing cold and he needs to cover his commute costs etc.

Then decide on how much equal amounts of spending money you have each month.
Then the rest if there is any goes into joint savings or investments
That way you both have the same. If he chooses to spend his monthly budget on buying mates rounds of drinks each night then that is up to him. It is a finite amount.

When I'm sat at home stationary at my desk for 8 hours working from home I'm freezing despite wearing jumpers, socks and a blanket on my knee. Hands are too cold to type after a while so I go for a quick walk to warm up. On the days I'm at home with my the kids and not working at my desk (i.e. walking around the house cleaning, hovering etc) I'm not cold at all. Surprising how cold it gets when you're stationary and nothing medically wrong with me!

I agree with him mostly with jumpers and blankets unless its so cold its cutting through them.

I also agree with you as my DH also waste too much money on things like alcohol.

The two things are not remotely linked though.

Bywayofanupdate we donr put the heating on as a couple.. agreed / discussed. For us wd rather have live musi in the pub instead of heat . So to some it is not a basic.

We chose a social life.

However, its something we agreed is our priority, as a cple , over heat .

Not everywhere in Scotland is the same temperature, and not every house is well insulated. Darling.