Husband won’t turn the heating on, but goes on a massive night out

[Willywonkamum]

Cost of living crisis, soaring energy bills..you know the score. DH is very much of the “put on another jumper” type (ps I’m already wearing one, thick socks and slippers in the house, on occasion a jacket), all on the pretence that we need to be cautious with bills etc. but I feel like this is the only area of his life he is frugal with, meanwhile he pays for rounds of drinks after work, going out for lunch everyday when working in the office, whilst I suppose my work doesn’t have that culture. I suppose my argument is, well maybe if you didn’t spend all that money on beers/took a pack lunch to work every once in a while then we could put the heating on, so that I’m not sitting working from home with a hot water bottle. Please feel free to tell me I am being unreasonable but I just don’t feel we are aligned on the financial priorities….what do I do?

Because it’s a partnership.

They aren't "giving their money away" - they are investing in their marriage and showing their spouse that they love and respect them, and consider them an equal partner.

I meant living together in general as the comment didnt specify in marriages. If you havent lived together long and immediately expected to split your money with your partner its different, if ny partner moved in and expected half my salary you would call him a cocklodger

I couldn't live with a man whose permission I needed to ask for stuff like this. He needs dragging into this century.
YANBU at all

Put the heating on. Do you have kids as well?

I honestly despair that there are grown women allowing men to dictate whether they have the heating on or not!
It's not just you OP, I had a friend on the phone earlier saying the same thing. Her husband says it's too early for the heating, they live in a massive cold house and she had 7, yes 7 layers of clothes on the other night. Fucking ridiculous, just put your heating on!
(we're in Scotland and yes it has been cold, mine has been on daily for a few weeks, another benefit of not living with the male species)

He's preventing you from keeping warming while spending that money acting like a scatter the cash or blow the dough on his work mates. That to me is abuse. It's shocking how many people are generous to the wrong people.

Why wouldn't you just turn on the heating? You are an adult in your own home.

You are married, correct? All money earned is family money. You don't need joint accounts, but you do need transparency and discussion and fairness. You know your incomings and negotiate all non- essential outgoings. You being warm is an essential. Rounds at the pub are personal discretionary spending, and you should have that same amount to spend as you please.

We are not putting the heating on until we absolutely have to, and being much more frugal with food as we don't want to sacrifice having some money for drinks and outings etc. BUT that is a joint decision, if one of us felt differently we would think again.

Regarding money, we basically just share our money. I earn about 2/3 of what DH does, most bills come out of his account (he used to earn double what I did and also I got fed up with doing all of the utility bill admin, so got him to do the research and choosing when we moved), and a few bills and everything else comes out of mine. He isn't a spender and cant be arsed with thinking about what to buy half the time, so we are both happy with that arrangement. If either of us run short for whatever reason we just spend what the other one has left in their account.

Another one popping in to tell you that, shock horror, weather differs depending on where you are and that this past week has been particularly cold. You also have no idea how much heat an individuals house retains.

OP, put the heating on when it’s that cold.

I’d put the heating on if I was cold

Has he padlocked the thermostat?
Put the heating on.
You are cold. You are already layered up.
You don't need his permission. (Or if you do that's fucked up!)
When the heating bill comes in oh, looks like you'll have to take sandwiches to work this month dear.
You're sitting there cold while he's eating out and buying rounds.
Seriously, fuck that.

Sorry to ask but are you afraid to put the heating on without his permission?
If so then I apologise for my flippant padlock comment.

Turn it on yourself.

If he earns more than you, he should put in more for shared bills so you have the same amount of money left over at the end of the month. You're meant to be a team.

Who are him the boss? Turn on your heating.

Put the heating on, even for an hour to take the chill off.
DH is being unreasonable spending so much on socialising and lunches but then cutting back on heating.
Heating has greater priority imo.
Regarding joint finances, before DC we had separate accounts and transferred the same percentage of our earnings to cover all bills and groceries every month( so higher earner contributed more but proportionately it was the same)
After DC salaries paid into joint account and everything shared equally.

We haven't put our heating on yet however neither DH or I would tell each other that we couldn't. I'm disabled, and very immobile, but we're very lucky to have a well insulated house. We've both got heated throws which we have used a few times.

Wrt money. I don't work so DH's wages go into a joint account. As long as bills are covered, money goes into savings and we don't go overdrawn neither of us has a problem with what the other one does.

All bills paid from joint account, including shopping/kids clothing and clubs/savings etc.
Amounts put in calculated as a % of income, so whoever earns more, pays more. That means you both have your own 'for me' money.
(Some couples put everything earned into joint account and then give themselves the same amount of 'for me' cash)

Add up his usual monthly expenditures of beer money/ lunches/ coffees etc, then tell him that the heating will be going on, whenever you need it, unless he is willing to give up 100% of his 'extra' outgoings !

(Or you could not work from home, and spend as much as him working from the office !)

Exactly this.

He can't eat lunch out every day and be frivolously blowing money on rounds and evenings out with his mates while expecting you to literally shiver at home. What a twat.

Turn the heating on and tell him this.

Depends

When the kids were little I had a heated blanket when working at home and they were at school so didn’t need to heat the whole house.

Heating went on when they were home.

Can you compromise?

But I do agree he needs to cut back on his luxuries and team up for the next financial disaster that’s coming.

Just because you are not cold when working from home in your house it doesnt mean someone else isnt cold.

YABU for listening to him and not putting the heating on when you need to.

He is not your Father or your boss,you are equal partners so put the heating on.

What is it with these men who believe they’re in charge of the heating? Leave him, you’ll need less space meaning you can live in a toasty little house.