Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

But why is it okay for you as a couple (younger, working) to have 100k in savings - which you don't want to touch! - and not okay for his mother (older, not working, widowed) to have 100k in savings that she doesn't want to touch?

None of it makes financial sense to either party! That's the worst bit.

But why is it okay for you as a couple (younger, working) to have 100k in savings - which you don't want to touch! - and not okay for his mother (older, not working, widowed) to have 100k in savings that she doesn't want to touch?

Because MIL is excepting £600 a month of OPs hard earned cash - If OP was claiming £600 benefits with £100K in the bank you would all think she’s a scrounger

@nightfairy because it’s their money that they earned. The mil has been able to accumulate those savings by taking money from a young family. Who is going to help the family to buy a home, or pay for them if ill health or circumstances lead them to lose their earning power. Mil needs to see what state help is available and stop taking handouts from a young family .

Because they are working for the money. The mother can leave the money in her savings IMO but shouldn't expect handouts from her son who is now married and has a family to look after.

If they divorced the court would not take into account the £600 he pays his mother.

I understand that different cultures/. religions encourage sons and daughters to look after their parents financially in old age.

Why can't they buy a flat / bungalow for his mum which they will own. She can pay the deposit rather than them paying her £600 per month. Then they pay about 400 monthly mortgage / less. Mum can apply for benefits + pension which will be enough for her upkeep and bills. They can help her financially if needed. The younger brother's rent can pay for bills and food + any excess from the 400 if the mortgage is less than that.

That way MIL is not homeless, and you are paying into a property you and DH will own/ pass onto your kids - technically it's your money.
DH shouldn't then feel like he's abandoned his mother and you and the children will have a property as an investment. You'll also have 200 a month for a cleaner, once a week.

The arrangement has to end.

Those savings will hinder MIL and the outgoing payments are ridiculous while you are renting with a young family.

Is there anyone close to DH that has been through similar, they could advise him and reassure him that it doesn't make him a terrible son if he stopped the money.

Are you saying you don’t own a house?!

No, the MIL's savings are money that her husband earned, and that she has received via inheritances, the OP said. Sorry, it is her money that she inherited.

Well, for a start I’d hire a cleaner, and let him pay for it.
All kinds of what ifs are running through my head. Is he stashing it away in her name to avoid tax on interest for example. She obviously doesn’t need it to live on if it’s sitting in the bank.
£600 a month could be paid into a pension plan for both of you, it could be saved towards your children education. It could have been to the 100k you’re saving towards a house.
He has been short sighted,
If she has a basic pension and no savings she could qualify for Pension Credit, or Universal Credit . The 100k savings will knock that on the head. She couldn’t really return the money as it could be viewed as depravation of assets should she ever need care.

All this advice about avoiding care home fees gives me the willies, who pays for it if not yourself, reminds me of a good friend in the Phillipines ‘ if you have no money you die in the gutter’. Believe me self funding is a whole different ball game!

Sorry just read it’s from Inheritance. My views still stand though, she doesn’t need this contribution from your DH.

I voted you were being unreasonable because it is good to help out the stay at home mum who has only a basic pension but that was before you dropped in the information that you don't own a house. At that point, I changed my opinion.

You said it doesn't affect your life. Of course it affects your life and looking ahead, your children's lives. It's insane that you focus on her lump sum saved instead of on getting yourself a house. That you haven't prioritised buying a house is astounding to me. You should get working on that, in my opinion.

How old are your children - another fact it would be useful to know. Nursery costs will reduce by the time they are three so you will be paying out less and as time goes on, gradually have more freedom to earn more yourself. Your husband should stop the payments for now - but remain always ready to help should she need anything - and you should go all out for the house and persuade him to that.

His mother will be all right - she has a good comfortable sum in the bank so no immediate risk and when in due course the son leaves she can get a lodger, so again she will be able to live on what she has without you. You could still help - buy her some groceries or now and then money as an appreciation for baby sitting. Nothing regular and nothing like 600 a month.

My DF has nothing like that amount in the bank, yet he gives me money sometimes and treats me to meals out etc. He would be appalled if I suggested I give him a monthly payment! YANBU, she doesn't need the money and I would be furious if I was in your situation.

But why is it okay for you as a couple (younger, working) to have 100k in savings - which you don't want to touch! - and not okay for his mother (older, not working, widowed) to have 100k in savings that she doesn't want to touch?

Because MIL is not providing them with money, nor are they expecting her to. Surely MIL is getting some source of money, and if she has to dip into her savings so be it. OP also has children who need providing for, and would like to buy a house at some stage - which that money they are giving MIL could go towards. I really don't understand how selfish some people are.

This is actually very clever. And an offset mortgage right now a great idea. Win win win all round. Bravo 🙌

YABU. He can afford it, it is coming out of his pocket and not the family pot, what's the issue? She is his mom and he wants to take care of her.

If you and your husband are able to provide for your family so you're not going without (not having a cleaner does not mean you're going without- having a cleaner is a luxury) then it doesn't matter how much she has in savings thanks to your DH. Would you rather she squandered the money away on hangers on or drugs, drink, shopping sprees? Once the money leaves your husband's account (money which you were happy to authorise when he first brought it up), it's no one else's business what she does with that money.

Your husband sounds amazing. I'm a titled professional and hope and pray that I don't have to rely on anyone else to sustain me in old age but if my children looked out for me (re: anything that made me vulnerable) in old age then I'd be a very proud mum. You'd want your children to do the same.

What I can't understand is why she accepts so much knowing her son has a family with growing children. Wouldn't you think she'd tell him to put that money into a savings account for his children.

Their situation had changed alot though since the OP agreed to this outgoing, @dottypencilcase. They were a couple then now they have two children. Their expenses will have increased massively ( ours certainly did with two kids) and they probably do wan to buy a house at some point.

I suppose I can’t understand why the MIL isn’t prepared to dip into her savings now she’s older. As I said upthread, I can understand needing financial help earlier, but she’s reached the time in life when most people do use their savings to some extent.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

And yet you resent her not breaking into her nest egg, whilst not breaking into your own even to fund buying a home for your children.

It will be so interesting when some posters are older - or perhaps even properly old - themselves. It will also be interesting when some posters find themselves to be the dreaded MIL in some woman's life.

Not sure if it's been mentioned but are you white British because in a lot of countries this is very normal that you treat the matriarch like this ..

Ok this country it's much more of a free for all..

To me it's madness for her to have this money because my Mum had a stroke in June and her care is £7k a month so any money she has will all be gone !

I don't begrudge that as it's her money but I might if it was Mine that I gave her when she didn't need it !

Exactly. The arrangement they have at the moment they are just throwing money down the drain. It’s like they thought of the least financially sensible thing to do and ran with it

I'm afraid it's not that easy.

The MIL is at an age where she wouldn't be able to get a mortgage in her name. If the brothers buy a home for her in their names, it would affect their own mortgage affordability when it comes to buying their own homes. Given that OP has said they are not home owners yet but hope to buy, I don't think her husband taking on a mortgage for his mother's home is a good idea at this point as it would significantly affect how much he is allowed to borrow.

What baffles me is why haven't they bought a home for themselves when they want one and they have 100k available for the down payment?

MIL has substantial savings to pay for her care if it is needed. The OP doesn’t own her own home and could do so if her husband wasn’t adding to a massive savings pot the MIL already has.

I'd be more annoyed at DH not giving you the full story and suggesting you are greedy.

Seems like a total lack of respect and blatant lying. Would make me rethink the relationship.