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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

397 replies

Sunflowerseverywhere · 07/10/2022 19:49

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/10/2022 09:46

I would be very upset.

You don't even own a house and have been paying this money unnecessarily for years.

That money would have been a nice chunk off a monthly morgage.

Your husband is a liar and has some cheek describing you as greedy.

I would be telling him how disappointed I am to learn that I am married to a liar who has been putting his mothers accumulation of savings ahead of his own children living in their own home.

I would feel absolutely betrayed by his duplicity.

As for the braces?

No words.

mandolinwind · 08/10/2022 10:01

Mil needs to see what state help is available and stop taking handouts from a young family .

With 100K savings in her bank account, I would imagine she's likely to be above the savings threshold for claiming any means tested benefits.

mandolinwind · 08/10/2022 10:04

MIL has substantial savings to pay for her care if it is needed.

100K would not last many years, these days, if she had to self fund her care.

Tomatodori · 08/10/2022 10:09

I think this is cultural. In certain cultures its absolutely normal to aid parents. If he is an only child savings will either circle back to him or spent in care anyway. The mom isn't living a lavish lifestyle and lying to you. So for me families help each other, so yes, yabu.

Panicwiththebisto · 08/10/2022 10:16

If she’s 68 she must be getting some state pension now. If the £600 is going straight her savings why does she still “need” it?

MacarenaMacarena · 08/10/2022 10:22

mandolinwind · 08/10/2022 10:04

MIL has substantial savings to pay for her care if it is needed.

100K would not last many years, these days, if she had to self fund her care.

If all of that £100,000 has been provided by OP and her Dh, MIL isn't actually self funding care, they are paying for it for her.
Perhaps DH liked to squirrel money away as a way of keeping it away from OP. His own private fxck-off fund.

mandolinwind · 08/10/2022 10:47

The mother in law isn't in care. She rents a property and has received regular gifts of money from her son for a number of years.

Discovereads · 08/10/2022 11:15

Sigh, I wouldn’t say the DH is necessarily a liar. He said to OP that he paid the same £600/mo no matter what was in his MILs account, 0, 1000, 10,000 etc. So I doubt very much he’s even been paying attention to what is in her savings, if he even has access! I transfer money and lo and behold the banking app doesn’t tell me the balance of the account my money is going to. There’s no mention of MIL having a power of attorney for him, or that this savings account is joint, so it’s not like he could check on her account balance himself if he even wanted to.

He may have known MIL got a few inheritances and she had that money squirrelled away, but not exactly how much was there. Or if she were spending the £600/mo and then topping up a bit or not. OP and he know she lived frugally and so that gives off an appearance to them both that MIL did need the £600/mo and it appears she has been living off it.

And peoples minds are funny things, MIL being pensioner age and renting may genuinely have felt skint and resolved to preserve her savings….say what if OPs DH dies in a car accident before she dies? It’s not nice to think such things, but hey shit happens and where will she have money from in that tragic event? that’s probably her oh shit the worst has happened fund.

It’s quite likely MIL mentioned oh there’s £100k in there to him one day and he then mentioned it to the OP. And then the shock happened. He just didn’t think anything of it, because he committed to his MIL to sending her the £600 regardless of how much she has in savings. But to OP it was understandably a shock.

So, this is something that can be addressed and got past in an otherwise happy marriage and family especially taking cultural factors into account where children are expected to help parents in their old age.

I hope her DH was amenable to the idea of getting a financial advisor to assist in planning her retirement, perhaps buying a retirement flat with the £100k as the last sibling is about to leave home.

mamabear715 · 08/10/2022 11:16

I'd be fuming, tbh..

chocolatemademefat · 08/10/2022 11:27

This strikes a chord with me. My mother has substantial savings and a decent income from pensions but won’t spend money on basics like food. I cook food for her and make sure she’s eating something decent - all at my expense. I’m on my own as well and suspect she has more money coming in each month than I do.

The problem is if I don’t take charge of her food she loses weight and other family members comment on it.

some people are just mean and my mother is one of them. My conscience won’t allow me to let her fall into ill health but she obviously has no conscience. I suspect your mother in law is the same - the payment has been so long standing that she sees it as part of her income.

Tell your husband to transfer the same amount to you each month to do whatever you want with.

Bloatstoat · 08/10/2022 11:43

It's very difficult but I agree OP and understand your anger.
We are helping FIL with increased costs of living - which I have agreed to but tbh resent, as he has close to £50k in savings, two cars and lives alone in a 4 bed house which he owns and could downsize from, freeing up cash and reducing bills. DH feels we should support him as requested, no questions asked, and part of me feels mean as he is in his 80s. But like OP's MiL, I don't see why his need for a big house and savings trumps ours.

Aintnosupermum · 08/10/2022 13:31

@IndianSummer78 its not benefit fraud. The £100k is their money and they don’t own a home. Buying a home with that money and renting it to his mother makes a whole lot of sense. Read up on benefits because pensioners in certain circumstances qualify for housing benefit if they have a mortgage.

What is ridiculous is this family paying £600 a month when they don’t own their own home. My assumption was that this was taken care of. You don’t give to others until you have taken care of your own basic needs. There is also the issue of what happens if the son can’t pay the £600 a month because something happens?

1FootInTheRave · 08/10/2022 14:05

I'd be furious with him and her tbh.

At least you know where his priorities lie.

Yourhamsterisnonbinary · 08/10/2022 14:09

It should immediately be cut down to 300 because why should you pay half of that? In the long term it needs to stop completely. She should have taken responsibility for her own pension when she was younger. Her choices aren't your problem. Like fuck would I give a parent money every month. Help her to access benefits if she's eligible.

Booklover3 · 08/10/2022 14:30

I wouldn’t be too happy about this

VoiceOfCommonSense · 08/10/2022 14:52

It’s his money. He can do what he wants.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2022 14:55

VoiceOfCommonSense · 08/10/2022 14:52

It’s his money. He can do what he wants.

Nope, not since he chose to marry OP and have two children.

Curiosity101 · 08/10/2022 15:06

If she's only got the £100k and a basic pension + life insurance then she's not exactly flush. If she used £5k per year that'd be gone in 20 years (aged 88) then she'd be down to basic pension and life insurance. Plenty of people survive on basic pension - but I can understand why your husband might want to help her. Basic pension often leaves people in a situation where they need to choose between eating or heating etc. It doesn't take into account house repairs and such.

£100k sounds like a lot... But not when you're retired, have no earning potential and potential future care needs...

Clearly you both need to talk about this though and get on the same page.

altmember · 08/10/2022 15:41

Curiosity101 · 08/10/2022 15:06

If she's only got the £100k and a basic pension + life insurance then she's not exactly flush. If she used £5k per year that'd be gone in 20 years (aged 88) then she'd be down to basic pension and life insurance. Plenty of people survive on basic pension - but I can understand why your husband might want to help her. Basic pension often leaves people in a situation where they need to choose between eating or heating etc. It doesn't take into account house repairs and such.

£100k sounds like a lot... But not when you're retired, have no earning potential and potential future care needs...

Clearly you both need to talk about this though and get on the same page.

Wouldn't she receive pension credits/housing benefit on top? (Obviously wouldn't qualify with 100k in the bank).

I've never met anyone who expects their kids to keep them financially in old age. In most families it works the other way round - parents put savings away for their kids, to fund higher education, help with a house deposit etc.

Original poster
Sunflowerseverywhere · 08/10/2022 15:48

Hi All
Wow, a lot of posts to read 😆

Random answers:
No, my DH does not have access rights to MIL bank accounts

No, it was not a suprise to DH that she has 100k. he was the one telling me, i think he probably did not realize...we were talking about the fact that young DB will leave soon therefore MIL facing additional financial strain. I asked him if we could look into benefit options to help her and he said "naaah, not with 100k savings"

And i was 😳

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerseverywhere · 08/10/2022 15:53

Buying together is not an option.
While looking for houses (and with the assumptions MIL was with zero savings - we were always looking for houses in our price range - DH never mentioned MIL money) we were considering buying a house with a separate small area for her to help her save rent. (Basically the idea was to own the house and she would live with us )
Older DB was against it so she decided it was not an option.

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 08/10/2022 16:16

@altmember presumably she would yes. But if you've spoken to any pensioners recently it's clear that it's not exactly a comfortable existence.

I'm not really commenting on whether £600 per month is reasonable. Or whether children supporting parents is reasonable (or normal). More that lots of people are suggesting that £100k makes the MIL really well off compared to the OP their family. I think when you consider she had 0 earning potential and lots of potentially large bills in the future then that's not as much as it seems.

Let's say the OPs DH stops paying and MIL supplemented her income with the £100k of savings. She'd have used it in 13.8 years... So by the age of 82 she'd be on basic pension + the life insurance and would have no option but to rely on social care for any additional needs as she got older.

Cameleongirl · 08/10/2022 17:04

we were considering buying a house with a separate small area for her to help her save rent. (Basically the idea was to own the house and she would live with us )
Older DB was against it so she decided it was not an option.

Why was older DB against it? He doesn't financially support her in any way so why was his opinion so important?

Cameleongirl · 08/10/2022 17:05

Hang on, you don't think older DB is somehow benefitting from the money your DH gives his Mum, do you? Or encouraging her not to use any savings, because he wants to inherit them? 😦