Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

She has 68, has £100k in savings, she’s renting her home, her youngest DC is an adult who is about to move out and your DH is worried how she’ll cope without that child paying some of the rent. I know it’s not why you posted but I’d say now is a good time to look at future arrangements.

That 100k isn’t doing anything for her. It’s sitting there while she’s still paying out rent and even with your £600/month she may struggle if her DC moves out. It might be worth seeing a financial advisor with your DH and then having a talk with your MIL about her options.

With your latest updates about your financial situation, I feel £600 could substantially change your lifestyle.

If the money does come back to you via inheritance it will be taxed so that seems a bit pointless. Would it not be better to pay some bills for your MIL instead? I don’t know anything really about money matters. In your shoes I would want to go to a financial advisor to get advice about the best way to support MIL but in the most effective way.
For me I was thinking you were being unreasonable until your update that you don’t own a house. That would be a priority for me.

Maybe it's all the £600s she's been saving over the years. X

Gosh OP no wonder you're shocked and angry I would be too.

I would suggest to your husband that he ask for £90k back and use that to buy a home for her to rent from you, held jointly between you and your husband. If her income is low enough she will qualify for housing benefit, which will cover any maintenance you have on the home.

Really you'd suggest benefit fraud as a way forward? Because that's what giving away £90k and then claiming housing benefit would be

Yes a financial expert would be good because they’d let MIL know about pensioner benefits she could be entitled to

There might be some things which aren't means tested but she'll get nothing means tested with £100k in the savings

Wow what lovely son he is

Shame he's not such a great husband isn't it

When you marry/live together your partner and children become your main family who should come first, parents and siblings become second tier family. This man's wife works whilst raising their DC, while he gives money to his mum for years so she doesn't have to do the same. He and his wife rent because they can't afford to buy (or hire a cleaner), I'm sure their own £100k saved deposit plus £600 that currently goes to mummy would make a dent in a mortgage! That's some seriously messed up priorities.

As is this "first £100k in savings is to be kept as a lifetime nest egg until you die" mentality he's got going on. I'll bet you had that earmarked as a deposit on a house OP, but if he feels this way about things it probably doesn't just apply to his mum's savings but yours too. He's also lied by omission to manipulate you, because you agreed to the money going to his mum believing she needed it to live on, when that wasn't the case.

OP consider taking your own separate financial advise about where you'd stand if you divorced. Can you trust him to make the best financial decisions for your family after this? You don't deserve to be called greedy for wanting to own a home and hire a cleaner and pay into your pension as if you hadn't dropped 40% of your earnings. His decision is impacting your life. Insulting you is a way of trying to shut down conversation about it and twist things so you look like the bad guy.

Don't ask - just do it.

I understand your frustration, but at 70 years old (or very nearly) I also understand what she is doing. That money, when she is no longer able to help herself, can be used for her care, taking that burden off of you and your husband.

The sum she has in savings should be used for her day to day expenses.
By having this amount of money she will have to use it if she goes into care. You would also be subject to IHT if the estate goes over the rate threshold.
Surely you would be better off saving for your children and help your MIL with other life expenses when required.

young DB is very young and just started working, he is still at home but will leave i guess soon

So MiL is 68 but her youngest son is 'very young'? He's got to be mid 20's surely?

It's absolutely bonkers that you're renting/can't afford to buy yet you're giving MiL £600 a month (would have covered half of a decent mortgage, at least until last week).

How long exactly has this been going on for? Work out how much has been paid since you met your dh (or at very least since you married), and ask for that much back. That's your house deposit right there.

I don’t understand her logic in having money passed ‘up’ the family. If she was spending it then fine, but she is hoarding it and your DH will just end up paying inheritance tax on his own money! Madness and the opposite of what most people with sense are doing..

Apart from anything else it's extremely short sighted as it's preventing his DM from accessing benefits and support for care needs if she needs it in future.
DH would be much better advised to keep the money and help to fund his DM on a need basis rather than enabling her to have a £100K cushion.

On Dr Katie McDowell
The medic also accused the UK's 'very active gender critical movement' – those who maintain biological sex cannot be changed – of being 'very, very anti-trans and spearheading this horrendous attack on trans human rights'

And
Speaking generally about their medical work, Dr McDowell described preferring working in a post-natal ward treating newborn children to looking after adults, who could sometimes make 'bad decisions'.

And
After the story broke, Dr McDowell tweeted praise for a 'fab article', which described Mermaids advice on breast binding as a 'beacon of light'.

nothing to see here either...

Oops wrong thread.

😂

@Sunflowerseverywhere is your DH's mum African? Is she in this country or abroad?

And his mother is his family.

If you want to use the family money argument, it does not stand up to scrutiny.

Her parents and siblings are also family . . . why can she not take £600 and give them too?
Then they'd have nothing to live on - seems sensible.

Big concern is not that she’s hoarding it but that it will be inherited by her other kids who haven’t contributed.

She should if she wants to.

But your family money argument does not stand up.

The mum takes £600 from a family and yet has £100,000 in savings just sat there. What a selfish woman she is @Sunflowerseverywhere her son/your DP sounds a right drip.

Also, tell you dh that you now expect to be 'kept' in the same manner as he does for his mother - after all, that's his family values, so it must be good enough for you as well. So why is he not treating you equal to the other significant woman in his family?

You're giving up work to be a SAHP, and he needs to start transferring you £600 a month 'personal allowance' on top of covering all the household expenses.

I do believe in my faith if you giving to your mother. The money will come back or God will help you have smoother life. Basically whats goes around comes around.

my DH is high earner. I’m SAHM. My DH gives my MIL £500 a month. My MIL is rich. Got holiday house in spain. Got 2 houses in London. She still working and she got money from let one of her house aswell. But DH still give her money just because he wants to.

i dont mind at all. But then again we life comfortably and we already own a house. So £500 a month its okay.

if you are not struggling with life in general just leave it. Your husband wants to give his mum money. In my faith you will get something back greater to taking care of your mother or MIL

What is she planning to do with all that money? Why does she need £600 a month when she has over 100 K in the bank? Sounds like she is and he is saving for something quite big that you don’t know about? Just my opinion I guess he will inherit some of this money when she dies but this might not be for a very long time it does seem very odd that he is sending her £600 a month when she has so much money already? Have you asked him Why he is Sending £600 a month rather than say 100 or something else? Why is he even sending her that money? Why isn’t giving the money to you

I had a very similar situation with my FIL, except neither me or my husband (Or my MIL when she was alive) knew about the savings. Looking back the manipulation and the lies he told to get us to pay for things seem crazy when he had so much money in the bank. And when I think of what my MIL went without when she was alive I get angry. I can't stand him now, and I will never visit him again.

The existence of the savings makes a lie of the whole situation. We actually struggled to pay for things for my in-laws when we had a young family. I went without to pay for things for him. That still makes me seethe and it was more like £1-200 per month - not £600 every month!

He's tried to keep us in line with our "inheritance" after we found out. He can shove his savings where the sun don't shine. That's not what family is to me.

I don't have any advice, but I would struggle with this continuing, and I can understand your fury. Family isn't always what you need them to be.

"You shouldn't have to suffer yourself".

Not having a cleaner is not exactly suffering.