Poor MIL has a LOT of money in the bank account

[Sunflowerseverywhere]

When I met DH, he told me that he was sending 600 £ a month to his mum to help her financially survive. She is a widow with (at that time) a small kid, not working and struggling to make ends meet. Her lifestyle reflects this description. I said it was ok with me.
Many years later we are a family of 4 and DH is still sending 600/ month to his mum.
Today I found out that MIL has more than 100k in savings.
I was shocked.
I reacted badly to this news. I felt like a joke. I told him I felt absolutely disrespected and lied to. The amount we are giving her is not substantially changing our lifestyle, but, just to give an example, i would love to hire a cleaner since we had kids but we cannot afford it.

My husband told me that he was saddened and disappointed by my "greedy" reaction. That I said OK to the money transfer and he never lied regarding the money in the savings (true -he never mentioned savings). That the amount is always the same amount, with 0, 1000 or 100k in the bank account. That without this transfer she would lose money every month.

That MIL is amazing (true) lovely (true) and helps us a lot with random babysitting (also true).

AIBU to feel absolutely furious?

She needs to spend the savings otherwise she won't get any benefits and help when she needs care in later life. She xhould gift your husband the 100k, keep alive for another 7 years, and your dh continues to pay her 600pounds/months.

@wordler it's worse again, there are 3 sons!! So it could end up being split 3 ways or all of it given to the cat and dog home!

100k wont last long if a care home is needed....its nothing....4k a month will munch thro that very fast....stop paying the money...!!

If she goes into a care home, the lot will go on care home fees. I’d be furious.

To be honest i don't think DH is thinking the money will come back to us through inheritance.
I think he just considers it his duty, so to speak

Why? Do you think she isn't worthy of decent care in her last years (or are you perhaps under the illusion that her care will be just as good with no funds)? Or do you think the OP wants to move her in with them and care for her?

Obviously you already know that this is such an odd set up.

If she needs to go into a care home then all your money will end up being used for care home fees, whereas if she was honest and said she didn't have that much money 'of her own' she would get help paying fees.

If she dies, your DH's siblings will get a nice inheritance pay out, of your money!

My DH's parents have, over the past number of years, gifting money to him and his sibling, a couple of thousand once or twice a year, with the plan to avoid inheritance tax issues in the future. They do this knowing that if there was any reason that they needed help themselves in the future then we would of course contribute as needed. It's madness to be doing the opposite, you're the only ones losing out massively with this arrangement.

What will happen eventually, is that her savings week get split equally among her kids... but your DH is the one who has been topping it up.

Essentially, he's giving his brothers money.

*@Discovereads

Can’t renegotiate…gah! Typos! Wish we could edit!

Me too. It's so annoying.

My husband transferred £500 a month to his mum when we first met, he earns relatively well (£55k) but once we had kids that money stopped because he had his own family to support. I did always worry about how I'd approach it when I was pregnant but thankfully I didn't need to and he made that decision on his own. I would of been unhappy if our family unit had been disadvantaged by it especially if that money was going into her savings account. YANBU.

Wow what aovely son he is.

After your MIL receives some financial advice, if she still needs a top-up, your DH really should discuss this with his siblings too. There's three of them, surely the others could help out abit?

I worked for Bupa, there were people funding themselves and others receiving funding. No difference in the care they received.

If she wants to blow 4k odd a month in a care home it should be her own money. Not money that her sons giving her out of some ridiculous sense of duty

It doesn't make sense for him to effectively give her money for her to keep in her savings account. If she needs to be assessed for care needs then she will be expected to use the money for that. If she died, there could be an inheritance tax liability, depending on the value of any property.

Of course, MIL is only 68 so care needs and IHT may be many years away. But if she's adding £600 to her savings monthly, this could be a much bigger issue by the time it arises.

If your husband wants to save money so he has the option to deal with family needs as they arise - including helping his mother as and when she faces bills she can't manage, needs to go private for an operation or whatever - then he might well be better off keeping the money in his own name.

If she needs to go into a care home it would be better if she had less money and could claim benefits to help. Your DH could at that point top up the fees to pay for a better care home or use some money to pay for any extras she may need eg hairdresser, new clothes.
So maybe he could put 600 a month into an account in his own name with this aim in mind, in this situation if she were to die the money is his not part of her estate.
You could even use these saving to offset if you were to buy a house yourselves.

No, she's an old-fashioned miser and it sounds as if her younger child has suffered the consequences of her pathological meanness (not to mention yours).

My ex MIL is exactly the same - trawls the RTC counter at Tesco twice a day religiously, the nastiest cheapest food, gave me a pair of used slippers for Christmas once. She and FIL had £70,000 in savings back in 2008! They've since inherited another 30k but still as tight as the proverbial.

I think your MIL and husband might need a bit of therapy - it's a condition known as 'underspending' and usually results from severe hardship or insecurity round money earlier on in life.

Is he going to expect your kids to do the same for you?

Is your husband from SE Asia? It is a given and act of pride to do that in their culture. Mine has been sending £200 every month. She lives in a mansion out there, we had a decent life but now divorcing as we've been counting pennies here, grew apart (could never afford a babysitter to go out once, we are in UK, families abroad) and he found himself another woman, whilst i work my ass off to feed his family back home and give ourselves a good life. He will inherit his mum's mansion I helped pay and he will get half of my pension I paid for so that I can support his new woman too! Good luck!

You’re sending £600 per month to a woman who has £100k in the bank and you don’t even own your home? That’s insane

This probably explains it then. I know someone from a different cultural background where this is an expectation, but they told their spouse from the start.

Your husband seems to be from a culture where this is not only common, but expected.
In my experience, you will never win here, it doesn’t matter what MiL has, your DH will never stop giving her money.

If MIL has always lived a frugal lifestyle then most likely the savings will come back in inheritance providing she isn't renting for the next 25 years.

Reduce the payments going forward.

£300 on top of a pension would be enough for MIL to manage on.

That explains it. Someone from the same ethnicity/culture as him might not even bat sb eyelid at the arrangement, even with the savings.

I'm surprised the initial post didn't say if you kept that money you would've been closer to buying a property, but said you could have had a cleaner instead.
Are you hesitant about buying rather than renting?

But, yes. YANBU at all.

I imagine she will never agree to go in a care home anyway. So prob not keeping the money for that. Your hard-earned money is just losing value to inflation, and soon inheritance tax.

What kind of person takes £600 a month off a young family (or anyone really) when they are sitting with over 100k in the bank. Ridiculous. Ask if you can send the same to your family monthly.

wow. I don’t have £100 in savings!